Tuesday, April 29, 2008

1 comments King Peter King Speaks...

Being too lazy to write anything down yesterday, I decided to convert Peter King's crap-fest MMQB and TMQB into one craptastic post. He talks about Brett Favre a lot, which makes sense since he is not even playing this year.


Sometimes we try to turn things into Favreisms. Too many things. The best thing we all can do -- and this comes from someone who has majored in Favre-ology -- is just sit back and see what happens.

What is this "we" shit? No one gives a fuck what Brett Favre does but you Peter. NO ONE! The Packers now have 3 QB's under 30 on the roster. You should have minored in Packer-ology because that means, "we don't give a royal shit what Brett Favre does, we are moving on." I swear to God if I have to read his weekly updates on Brett Favre's mindset I am going to drive to Red Sox Nation and break Peter's computer.

1. I think you did the right thing by staying put, Jerry Jones, and not selling the farm for Darren McFadden.

Jerry Jones can now sleep tight down in Dallas and hug his blankie knowing that Peter King agrees with his draft decisions.

b. Why is the lead item on the ESPN scroll during the first hour of the predraft show about Brett Favre appearing on the cover of the Madden video game?

The same reason you have mentioned him three times in this article already. Obsession...

c. ESPN did not have a team of people covering the draft. It had an armada.

So ESPN had, "A large army or fleet of military vessels" covering the draft? I thought I would have noticed.

6. I think, if you gave him sodium pentathol, Chris Long would tell you he wishes he had gone to the Patriots, even if it would have cost him a lot of money to do so.

Oh yeah? I think, if you gave him $5, Darren McFadden would tell you he wishes he had gone to the Colts. So what? Why would a player not want to go to a team that is one of the best in the league? This does not make him more noble for understanding the difference in $15 million and $28 million or even being a nice guy, it means he wants to win football games, which is why you play the fucking sport. I swear to God if Peter King develops a man crush on Chris Long I am going to go to Red Sox Nation and break Peter's computer, and I am not kidding this time.

b. The Red Sox won the world championship because of their bullpen last year. This season they could lose it because of their bullpen.

No one cares. What is your fascination with the Red Sox other than the fact you love them and won't shut up? Is this article over yet? Why did I do another one?


One of my very good friends, Corey Bowdre, is also one of the biggest Falcons fans I know. He knew I was in Atlanta for the draft and sent me this text message Monday: "Not very impressed.''

Now Peter King is talking about his friends like the ESPN guy who does not have a name so I don't have to put a label up using his name.

I called Corey, the senior manager of premium sales for the Red Sox, and heard him out. "

Here is my problem with this sentence. No one cares what the fuck Corey does Peter, and I literally mean no one, I texted Corey earlier today and he said his wife doesn't give a shit what he does. Why would you put his job title in the article if it did not add anything to the article? He doesn't work in the NFL, so his opinion somehow manages to impress me less than yours. Why does Peter insist on giving shout outs and reminding readers just how many people he knows in the business? Is Corey the reason you ass lick the Red Sox? Do you follow him around like you do Brett Favre and call his wife to "interview" her about her husband? You are truly pathetic and egotistical. I dislike you and hope Corey never texts you back again.

"How did the Patriots losing their first-round pick change this draft? Doubt they would've kept both, but would they have tried to move up to get Chris Long?'' Drew Leimkuhler, of Acton, Mass

Has anyone else noticed there is a certain fascination with Chris Long in the New England area? Peter wishes Chris Long would play for the Patriots and the other Pats "fans" are envisioning scenarios were they could have landed him. What is wrong with Glen Dorsey or Vernon Gholston, or even (gasp) the guy they picked? Could it be because Chris Long is white and all New Englanders hate minorities? Probably.

Ok, I am done with this craptastic post. Simmons has a chat today, I can't wait!

Friday, April 25, 2008

2 comments The Perfect Storm

Simmonsolgoists can all agree the perfect storm would be an article that combines Bill Simmons, the mention of his children, the Celtics, and pop culture references. Grab some bread and water and head to the attic with me, it has arrived. All I feel is sympathy for this man, usually anger, but this time just pure sympathy.


"Rajon couldn't do anything right. He couldn't speak. He couldn't draw. He couldn't write. ... And then one day, Rajon could speak! He could draw! He could write!"Sorry for bastardizing "Leo the Late Bloomer," one of my daughter's favorite bedtime stories and a true classic. But I couldn't help it. Not only has Rajon Rondo's belated emergence been the most fascinating subplot of a storybook Celtics season, but he's just like the character in that book.

Bill is trying to capture the glamorous "comparing athletes to children's tales" niche. He is also failing. "See, the Spurs are like the tortoise and the hare, son." I think a more accurate comparison would have been The Little Engine That Could, but what do I know? I feel nothing but sympathy for Mr. Simmons. I no longer see him as the columnist who annoys me with his constant pop culture references and Boston area sports columns. I now see him as a talentless hack who has to speak about pop culture and Boston teams to complete a column because he literally has no journalistic skill. This is fucking horrible, I mean just bad. This is "Garth Brooks taking on a new identity and releasing an album" bad. Remember when he swore he would never talk about his personal life? Now he is beginning columns with parallels to children's books. Sadly, it only gets worse from here.

It's the little things that made the trades for Garnett and Allen (and to a lesser extent, the pick-ups of Sam Cassell, James Posey and P.J. Brown) so successful and altered the careers of Rondo, Leon Powe, "Big Baby" Davis and Kendrick Perkins, everyday moments that go beyond KG crouching over Powe after a dunk and happily punching him in the chest.

I predict at age 55 Bill will get over his "the team is so close and bffs forever outlook at a team," but that time has not come yet. So how the hell has Big Baby Davis, Leon Powe and Rondo's career been altered so greatly by the presence of these veterans? They all pretty much had no career before this year, them being so new to the NBA and all. Oh and Bill, happily punching people in the chest is not always a good thing. Here's my proof: If I ever meet you, I will happily punch you in the chest. Do you feel like we are friends now?

Rondo is further ahead of the '03 Parker, which gives you an indication of his potential and where he's sitting already. Whether Sam Cassell has to pull a Speedy to save a few games remains to be seen.

Simmons offers no proof of this. I promise right now that if Rondo is better than Tony Parker in two years, I will jump off a building wearing a Tom Brady jersey and a David Ortiz jersey cape. By the way, Claxton was 25 at the time he won a championship with the Spurs and had been in the league three years. So, Sam Cassell he was not. Bad comparison.

(Bright Red Ego Alert!!!)

Did I see any of this coming? Actually, yes. Rondo played so well in the 2006-07 preseason that I stupidly picked him for "Rookie of the Year," bought a seat in the front row of the bandwagon, then broke three ribs when it careened off the Mass Pike on Opening Night.

I am sorry Bill, even though you will probably make up a rule saying you are right, you were wrong. I thought the New York Yankees would win the World Series in 1997 but that does not make me right when they won it in 1998. Here in "the real world" that is called being wrong. When he didn't win the award you predicted, that is being wrong. PLEASE just admit it fuckhead.

Simmons throws some patented hyperbole and stories that can not be proven in here, finally culminating with Garnett saving Lois Lane and curing cancer in all adults but not children, because guess what? Fuck them, they can't survive because Bill has to steal their books for later columns.

...other than Al Horford (a tough cookie who's going to be great)...

This is annoying because this classfies in his book as a "prediction," despite the fact he was picked #3 in the draft and very well could be Rookie of the Year. This is a "no fucking shit asshole" prediction. Wait until we get to hear more about this in a few years about how he was on the Horford bandwagon for years. God, he is obnoxious, and yes, I am no longer feeling sorry for him.

In Rondo's case, there are two great "What ifs?" -- Basketball careers might hinge on talent and desire, but circumstance plays a much bigger role than anyone realizes. Would James Worthy have become "Big Game James" if the Lakers had drafted Dominique Wilkins over him in 1982? What would have happened to Wilkins if he had played with Magic Johnson for his entire career? Would Robert Parish have made the NBA's "50 at 50" list if the Celtics hadn't rescued him from the Warriors? What would have happened to Parker if the Spurs signed Kidd that summer? And so on and so on.

Exactly Bill, and so it goes on and on to the point I am ready to hang myself. If this is his new schtick, it sucks. I am going to go ahead and throw out the biggest "what if" that everyone is wondering right now. What if Bill's parents had decided they were not ready for children and took the steps to ensure little Billy would never read the Leo book? Would someone else have annoyed me with such vigor? WHAT IF?

Let's speed round the rest of this shit:

The Andrea Zuckerman Award for "Least Compelling Subplot" I love hoops as much as anyone and still can't bring myself to watch the Magic-Raptors series. It's like the NIT of the NBA Playoffs. Does the winner even matter? They should call it "The NBA-TV Invitational" and give the winner a trophy that's sculpted into the shape of Rick Kamla's face.

90210 references are old, the NIT of the playoffs not funny, I will laugh if the Magic beat the Celtics, and who the fuck is Rick Kamla?

The Brian Fantana Memorial "Hey, Champ, Maybe You Should Stop Talking For Awhile" Award To Charles Barkley for declaring last weekend that Rasheed Wallace is the most talented player in the league and could have been the greatest player ever if he wanted it.

I think Ron Burgundy said that, but close Bill and thanks for being semi-relevant.

Rasheed couldn't handle the responsibility of being great every night, true, but part of being great is that you've made a conscious choice to accept that everyday responsibility and live up to a different standard of pressure and expectations. It's like a chicken/egg thing. If Vince Carter was wired like Michael Jordan, he would have been Michael Jordan. If Derrick Coleman was wired like Kevin Garnett, he would have been the greatest power forward ever. If Sam Jones was wired like Jerry West, he would have been the NBA logo instead of what he was -- a top-50 player and one of the NBA's memorably clutch shooters. Rasheed was much closer to the Sam Jones camp than the DC/Vince camp, but all of them had one thing in common: They didn't totally want it. And that's part of being great.

If you sludged through this whole passage you are thinking the same thing I am. Bill mocks Charles Barkley's What If thought, but does not even think that most of his What Ifs could be refuted with the same argument. Bill Simmons sucks, but if he did not write I would not know the levels of suckage that could exist.

The His-Father-Was-The-District-Attorney Award for "Most Relentless Ad Campaign."I think Tyler Perry has broken my personal record for the ratio of "most commercials I've seen about someone over the years" to "fewest amount of minutes I've spent watching their TV show or movie." Right now it's like 11,000 hours to zero.

Because he is black and you hate all minorities Bill?

The Neil Diamond in "The Jazz Singer" Award for "Best Test of Someone's Jewish Faith"

What the fuck. Not asking, I am being imperative. I have no idea what The Jazz Singer is but I wish you had comments after your columns.

The C.T. Memorial "I Will Work You! WORK! YOU!" Award To David West for his in-your-face manhandling of Dirk Nowitzki in Round 1, capped off by the same derisive cheek tap that Robert Conrad used to perfection after his concession speech to Gabe Kaplan in the first "Battle of the Network Stars."

Battle of the Network Stars? The best you can do? You reference the Gauntlet and then arrive at Battle of the Network Stars? This is symbolic of the Simmons era. So much potential but he got lost along the way.

The Clay Buchholz Award for the "Player Most Desperately In Need of a Fu Manchu or a Goatee."

(Bill's mind) "How do I get a Red Sox reference in here?"

(Bill's soul) "You just started liking the Red Sox in the early 90's, what is your deal with them?"

(Bill's mind) "I know, I know, but I have no idea what to write right now."

(Bill's soul) "Just mention the Sox then, but a little bit of me is leaving every time you do."

The Arthur Fonzarelli Putting-On-Waterskis Award for "Most Dangerous Sign That Someone Might Be Washed Up"This goes to me for writing an entire magazine column about "Best possible NBA playoff matchups" and forgetting to include not just the Suns-Lakers series, but a Jazz-Celtics series that could have spawned an easy joke about "Celtic Pride" (the stinker movie, not the phrase). People sitting in dentists' offices and tire shops around the country are going to pick up that magazine, skim that column and think I'm an idiot. Whereas, you guys already know I'm an idiot. Just remember, I'm an idiot.

We never forgot you were an idiot. I just wished you believed this yourself.

(By the way, that would be a funny "SNL" skit -- TCIKG intensely shopping at a Whole Foods, grabbing the last box of Fruit Loops from the shelf and pounding his chest, woofing orders at the deli guy and chest-bumping him after a particular good cut of American cheese, then getting in a customer's face who made the mistake of bringing 14 items into the "13 items or less" aisle. I continue to believe cameras should be following Garnett at all times.)

Simmons does know Garnett is a minority right? He is from Boston, he hates all minorities, so how could this be? What are the odds the same people who watch SNL are also big NBA fans, and more specifically Celtic fans? This is why Kimmell fired him, because he only suggested Boston jokes the entire time he worked for him. Actually this would be a perfect skit on SNL because it has the three perfect components that causes that show to consistently suck.

1. One joke in the entire skit.

2. The joke would an inside joke for one group of fans.

3. It is not funny.

Much like Bill's columns actually.

Thursday, April 24, 2008

0 comments I Can't Handle the Truth!

Before I begin critiquing, I learned two things today. First, I learned that KSK does a variation of Peter King's "Ten Things..." and I had no idea, so if anyone reads this then I want you to know I did not rip them off. Second, I learned that Christmas Ape of KSK was a writer for the Washington Post, prior to being fired for his using his freedom of speech. That and learning Ken Tremendous of FJMorgan writes for "The Office" have bothered me slightly. It for some reason changes the way I view their articles. It may be because I read their articles and think, "these guys are pretty good, they could do more than a blog," and then learning they do, I feel let down. I have no idea why. Enough of the Full House moments.

I love Jason Whitlock and his "truths," but he can irritate me also in a special sort of way.

10. I'm glad Pacman may get another shot at playing professional football, pending Goodell's approval. Pacman needs the structure. He needs an organization to take an interest in his personal development. If he screws up again, Goodell will permanently banish Pacman and Jerry Jones will only have egg on his face.

Let's see...he needs structure and someone to take an interest in his personal development...sounds to me like the Army is the perfect place for this kid, where is the nearest recruitment center? That's not the solution though according to Jason. See, he needs an opportunity to continue to play the sport that millions of children wish they could play, you know because he has earned it and all, not because of his talent. How the hell is giving him a new contract, I don't care there is less guaranteed money, and another opportunity, aiding his personal development? If there are so many odd and disturbing characters on the Cowboy's team, as Jason adds at the beginning, how the hell are they going to help his professional development? It makes no sense.

(Pacman) "I called this team meeting because I want to know how do I make myself a better person?"

(T.O.) "Take your shirt off, do pushups and then try to kill yourself."

(Tony Romo in his Forrest Gump voice) "I would go to Mexico with your girlfriend the week before a playoff game. Then choke in that playoff game, but it had nothing to do with it, so just leave us alone as we pose for photo-op after photo-op at events."

(Tank Johnson) "Here's a gun. Do you need a dog also?"

(Marion Barber) "You could bitch about your contract though you have never had a full time role in the offense."

(Leonard Davis) "Personally, I would eat a lot of food and become a lard ass."

(Jason Witten) "I would also go to Mexico with my girlfriend the week before a playoff game, just to ensure our team has still not won a playoff game in 12 years."

(Roy Williams---yanks Pacman Jones down by his hair from behind in an obvious horse collar tackle and tears both ACL's and an MCL on Jones) "That's how you tackle motherfucker!"

See? Nothing good can come of it in that locker room.

9. The Dolphins cut a deal with the wrong Long. I'd rather give a pass-rusher $30 million in guarantees than an offensive tackle who might be too stiff to play on the left side. If Jake Long ends up being a Pro Bowl right tackle, then Parcells made a mistake.

I am bored with just rebutting, let's role play. (angry lawyer voice) Objection, your honor. That is pure speculation. I would also like to object to the massive amounts of drool on the floor over Chris Long, someone could slip on it and fall. I would also like to object to the fact there is nothing wrong with a Pro Bowl right tackle. What if your QB is left handed? Has Mr. Whitlock thought of this possibility? I move to strike this entire bullet point out of the article. There is nothing wrong with a Pro Bowl right tackle.

7. The Chiefs do, however, deserve credit for securing a fair trade for Allen, especially considering Allen was a fire sale.

This always confounds me, when a columnist credits a team for getting fair value for a player in a "fire sale." Just because MC Hammer went bankrupt did not mean his 37 Porsches were not worth a whole hell of a lot of money. It is a free market, the Vikings could not say, "let's offer them Kleinsasser and a 7th rounder, because they want to trade Allen really super duper bad," and then expect it to work. Instead they say, "holy horse balls, Allen is available and the Chiefs are willing to trade him, let's make a credible offer before someone else gets him. Allen has 2 DUI's so you know Jerry Jones will make an offer soon." Why do you think teams announce when they are trading a player? To drum up a market for that player, that is why. How the world works according to Jason:

(It's late 2007, A Rod and Scott Boras are planning his free agency visits)

(Boras) "Well Alex, my dear man, you can choose any team you want!"

(A Rod) "Shop me around my little Devil! Announce it to the world!"

(An hour later Brian Cashman is calling George Steinbrenner) "A Rod made himself a free agent and is offering himself to every team in the league, he is so desperate!"

(Steinbrenner takes off his bifocals, stares at the picture of himself on the ceiling and turns toward Cashman slowly) "Offer him 5 years at minimum wage, we totally have him right where we want him. How desperate is he? To shop around for the best deal among a free market, especially since he doesn't have to do anything at all to stay in his current situation! Oh...and tell him after five years, he is free to choose another team. He will take this offer so quickly, his blue lipstick will smear with the drool to sign the papers."

(Steinbrenner thinks to himself) "Like he would want to go through the headache of choosing any team he wants."

6. Don't be surprised if Larry Johnson is the new Shaun Alexander next offseason. And don't be surprised when Darren McFadden falls in this weekend's draft because __________.

Let's play a game. Which of these comments should have filled in the blank?

1. of Johnson and Alexander. Given the size and speed of modern players and the super-fast surfaces the game is now played on, the running back position is too physical and too high-risk for injuries for teams to invest large sums of money.

I think you could say that about a lot of positions in football. Maybe more the running back position, but if you get a great running back, that sure does a hell of a lot in the short term for a team. I would probably rather have Adrian Peterson for five good years, rather than Kevin Jones over a ten year span, but that may just be me. I can think of three quick items where a great RB has taken a team over the hump to the playoffs or near to the playoffs, so I would think a team like the Jets would want McFadden. (Peterson- 2007, Drew- 2006, Addai- 2006) Now granted there are other weapons around these players, but you get my point. At what position can a rookie come in and make such a great impact? Even if there are injury concerns my good men/women, even if there are injury concerns.

2. McFadden has a ton of questions about his character.

Granted, many of these concerns are bullshit, but there are actual cases in the draft where this has caused players to drop (Moss, Sapp) or make the team that drafted them wished they had never drafted them (Pacman Jones, Tank Johnson). A bad character in the locker room can ruin an entire team, and to make matters worse, usually the player hangs around like a virus, while an injury requires another player to step up and the player is not in the locker room causing a ruckus. Adrian Peterson is the only RB I can think of who fell because of injury concerns and I think the entire league has learned its lesson. (On a side note, I think he will be lucky to play 50 games in the NFL for his career.)

Which argument makes logical sense? I would say #2 but I am wrong, it was #1.

4. I do not like Ohio State defensive end Vernon Gholston. He looks like a bodybuilder rather than a football player. You have to use athleticism and nimbleness to thump and quickly disengage.

Nothing wrong with this, I am not 300 pounds nor played on the defensive line like Whitlock. I can just see Dwight Freeney running around thumping his teammates on the back of the head and then running around the locker room attempting to evade the thumpee. Or Jason Taylor learning to dance so he can be nimble enough to get around the most nimble of all creatures, the 320 pound white left tackle. Wait, he did this?

3. My money is still on Matt Walsh having nothing of substance to say to Roger Goodell about Spygate. He reminds me of the guy who has an angry breakup with a girl and then spreads around the naked pictures she let him take during a drunken weekend. The pics are fun to look at, but I always lose more respect for the guy than the girl.

Fuck this. Remember a few months ago when Whitlock exchanged emails with a certain ESPN columnist about the Wire? I am not saying his name because I am tired of putting his name in the labels, but let's just say, this gentleman likes the Patriots and writes very similar to this. Just put on your ESPN gentleman nasally voice for a second and read these sentences. I swear if Whitlock starts referring to his girlfriend and talks about conversations he had with his father or his buddy "Mobile Home," I am never blogging again. Then driving to Kansas City, which is in Montreal if I am not wrong, and asking Whitlock to never write again.

2. Can someone explain to me why the Bengals didn't pull the trigger on a Chad Johnson-to-the-Redskins trade?

I agree, they are stupid.

(Bengals owner) "So I have cancer doc?"

(Doctor) "If it is not removed, then you are going to die within 6 months, unfortunately your hair will fall out and you may get sick from the chemo if you do get treatment."

(Bengals owner) "I don't really want anyone to think any differently of me or think that I am weak in any way, so I'm good thanks." (takes jacket and top hat, leaves office)

1. If Kobe "Brett Favre" Bryant doesn't win the NBA's MVP award, the trophy will lose all of its credibility.

That's assuming it ever had credibility. I hate it when people say shit like this. End of year awards are overrated and mean little to nothing in the grand scheme of things in a given year. How's that MVP award working out for you Tom Brady? This is like when the Oscars or Grammys are put on during the year. They have awards to honor themselves and it is completely retarded. Bengoodfella out.

Wednesday, April 23, 2008

0 comments Simmons!

Ready for more Boston area loving, 80's movies jokes and overall stupidity? Me too!


Celtics vs. Lakers would be a dream for Bill Simmons, and most of the non-Riverwalk-loving world.

Even the caption pissed me off. I don't know what the Riverwalk is, but I am guessing it is in Texas, and this is a reference to San Antonio. I am also guesstimating that the other teams and their fans in the NBA are not looking forward to a Celtics v. Lakers Final.

Text messages I sent to friends during Game 1 of the Spurs-Suns series:
This is otherworldly — Holy [bleep]!!!!! — ESPN Classic! — Best G-1 ever? — I'm gonna pass out — DUNCAN!?!?!? — Best Rd. 1 game ever? — Looks like I picked the wrong week to stop sniffing glue — WHOAAAAA!—There are no words.

Just remember this text after his next, "the world is bigger than sports" article.

(ESPN executive) "We have Simmons who wants to be Rick Reilly but he really has no perspective in his articles, so they are more assholish than schlocky, how can we get him to quit and not look like assholes?"

(Man in the next stall) "You could hire Rick Reilly."

(ESPN executive) "Jackpot."

I like to think this is what his friends texted back:

U know what is otherworldly? U still watch the NBA. No 1 cares bill--I have threatened you b4 if you text me w/ this bullshit I will kill u. Is that an Airplane reference? Geez, at least join the 90's n ur quotes. U r not as good as you think u r. I have 2 get back 2 my normal life where i work all day & don't make simple sporting events seem like enormous events. I hate u.
I love Airplane, it is still a great movie, but the most played out joke in the movie is the "stop sniffing glue" joke. Played. the. fuck. out. Surely he can think of a better one in the movie. And stop calling me Shirley.

Here's what made it, in reverse order from "thrilling" to "I won't be able to sleep the night before Game 1":

Honestly, this is like some fucking guy not being able to sleep the night before the release of Windows 98. There is maybe 1% of the audience that cares. This sentence shows just how stupid you truly are Bill. It is a sporting event in the 4th most popular postseason tournament and you can't sleep the night before? I wish to hell he had a real job for one day, I would love to watch his ass get fired. I would pay $49.99 on pay per view to see this.

(Company executive to Bill) "You're fired."

(Me) "Fuck yes."

9. Magic-Suns (Finals) Forget about the quality of play — this would break the record for "most sunburned media members using a playoff series as an excuse to play golf for two straight weeks." I can just see Jay Mariotti and Woody Paige arguing on Around the Horn, all maroon faces and blisters as dried skin flies everywhere.

Oh no he didn't! How sassy of Bill! Just wait til he pulls this shit on Reilly and he punches Bill in the face and writes an article about it, then gets millions of positive letters from readers all around the country.

Bill, that is hilarious when you take shots at journalists who get to cover the NBA Finals. This comment breaks your record for "most times making fun of a person/event because you did not get the opportunity to go there or see that person but then if he got to go to that event or see that person then you would act like it was the absolute awesomest thing in the world and brag about it in your shit driven columns." You went to North Dakota, they go to Florida. You lose, they win, Jacoby Ellsbury is overrated.

8. Hornets-Jazz (West Finals) This one appeals only to roundball dorks like myself, but I'm not gonna apologize. The thought of Chris Paul and Deron Williams pulling a Corrales-Castillo on each other for the Point Guard Championship of the World makes me giddy. Along with a Finals berth, the NBA could put the team name Jazz on the line. If New Orleans wins, they get to take back the name. Who's with me?

Out-of-touch-Bill references Corrales-Castillo. I have no idea what this is but am going to assume it is a boxing matchup. Remember the Windows 98 talk we had earlier Bill? (back to redecorating the attic) Holy shit! I just read the joke about the Jazz team name. I am giddy with hilariousness! I am with you Bill. We could also take all the white people in Utah and have them meet the black people in New Orleans. Or maybe have the voodoo believers meet the Mormons! You should suggest that to one of your "friends who works in the Programming Department at a Major Network" as a television show and then tell us about it in a column!

7. Celtics-Pistons (East Finals)

I did not have the energy to read this. Let me guess, Bill Laimbeer, Larry Bird, teams don't like each other despite the fact most players were wearing Huskeroos the last time they played in the Eastern Conference Finals. I am Bill Simmons.

6. Hornets-Lakers (West Finals) By the time this took place, we'd know if the 2008 MVP was the enigmatic Laker who bashed his teammates and wanted to flee before "coming around" or the unselfish point who saved basketball in Katrina-scarred New Orleans, redefined the ceiling of his position and took a lottery team to a No. 2 seed. It's always fun when lingering MVP debates can be resolved in seven games or fewer. Unless you're Karl Malone.

I guess others could see it as the best player in the NBA who was tired of his team putting young players who only have potential, various malcontents, and useless jump shooters on his team versus the point guard who punched people in the nuts in college and played most of his first couple of years in the league in Oklahoma City, most likely helping the city get over the bombing of 1995. It's always fun to look at it from a non-biased point of view. Unless you're Bill Simmons.

4. Spurs-Lakers (West Finals) Wait until this "joke" scenario makes me a legend when it actually comes true: The Spurs are derailed in Game 7 by WWE-worthy officiating along the lines of that in the 2002 Kings-Lakers series, followed by everyone's being cool with it because we all were hoping for a Celtics-Lakers Finals anyway. Screw you, San Antonio! The NBA — it's FANNNNNN-tastic!

I rewrote the sentence to more accurately look at this from another point of view that Bill has not thought of.

Wait until this "joke" scenario causes me to have my ego inflate so much I become a legend in my own mind and make up some useless theory about it: The Pistons are derailed in Game 7 by WWE-worthy officiating along the lines of the Patriots-Colts AFC Championship in 2004, followed by the NBA changing the rules so that type of interference is no longer allowed downfield. Boston fans are cool with it and think the rest of the world is as well because they have no idea that Boston teams are not liked anywhere else in the world and the idea of a Lakers-Celtics championship appeals to only networks and those fans. Screw you Detroit!

2. Cavs-Lakers (Finals) "Kobe! LeBron! It's the NBA Finals on ABC!" Yeah, that works. By the way, we've had a bunch of Finals with two transcendent players, but rarely have they actually guarded each other. In my Scenarios 2 and 3, they would. Sgfdggdg fjgjgjijgrkj fhejfrefjrkj fjekfjrkjfk fkoek.

[Ed.'s note: The previous sentence was "written" when Bill's head hit his keyboard after he briefly blacked out. We were able to revive him to finish the column.]

I have no idea why guarding each other is a requirement for a great series. I don't recall Bird guarding Magic or anything like that. He just makes shit up. What the hell is the last sentence about the editor's note doing in there? It makes no sense to me.

1. Celtics-Lakers (Finals) Just the mere possibility of this one has me so energized, I wish Kurt Rambis were in my office right now so I could clothesline him into my desk. Imagine seeing those uniforms on the same court in June again. We'd have Kobe and KG fighting for a career-altering ring, Phil Jackson going for Red Auerbach's record for coaching titles, Allen and Kobe renewing their bizarre feud. I live for the emotional revival of those "Beat LA" chants that meant something once and the tons of Magic-Bird highlights that would offset the startling impact of seeing the two icons show up for Game 1 weighing in at a combined 620 pounds. LA's celebrity fans vs. Boston's ("Hey, that's Tom Brady sitting next to the Wahlbergs!"). The chance to boo Kareem one more time. ABC's making a gazillion bucks if the series goes seven, then using the cash to bankroll my sitcom, Everybody Loves William. I could go on and on.

So God, man up: Give us a Celtics-Lakers Finals. That's right, I'm calling You out. Show us what You got. Rttghfnf ljmbkkk nmhgjk wqptrs ghdscv.

Here is why I do not want this to happen. Bill Simmons would talk about it with such great hyperbole as this. This is the Simpocalypse. I could not handle it.

(By the way, I am coming out right now. I am a Celtics fan who is about to never like the Celtics again because of the Boston hysteria and bandwagonism that goes on. I barely cheer for them and try to avoid their games if I can. Danny Ainge was my idol and I got upset when Reggie Lewis died. I am not from Boston and never have been from there. For some reason I confuse people and they think I am from Massachusetts, though I don't speak with the accent at all. Growing up, my area did not have an NBA team within 300 miles of me until 1988, at which point I had dual teams. I know it is horrific but that is what an 8 year old did, until 1995 at which point the owner of said team put his penis in anything that had breasts and a pulse, and later decided a huge basketball fan base and an arena sellout for an NBA record amount of years was not enough and they just had to go to New Orleans. Fucking adieu George Shinn. So I quit the dual role in 1995 and decided to go back to the Celtics only. Anyway, I am a reluctant fan, have all Laker-Celtics game on VHS and I still don't want this to happen.)

I do love how he mentions ABC making a ton of money and then mentions a sitcom he wants to do. This is just a reminder for those of you who are not Simmonstologists that he works for a big company and has pull in the Hollywood industry because he blew Jimmy Kimmel for a couple of years. Also he put Tom Brady in there because he wants to remind everyone that the Patriots still exist and were not contracted in the offseason. This whole passage was dumb and the God thing was not funny.

[Ed.'s note: We did everything we could. He's gone.]

Now THAT is something I could get behind a prayer to God about. And I mean forever, like not ever come back. This would mean the end of my career in blogging but I would fall on the sword to save the world from drivel such as what we just read through together, holding hands for fear of our eyes. Yup, that's our Simmons.

Does anyone read this blog? I feel like Tom Hanks in Cast Away here.

Monday, April 21, 2008

0 comments Ten Things I Think I Think Peter King Has Not Thought Of (Peter King Edition)

I have a problem and it is no one has pissed me off lately. Bill Simmons sticks to podcasts to talk with his buddy "House," and I refuse to hear his nasally, headache inducing voice so I don't listen to that. No one reads this, so I can't pick a fight with anyone. I get bored and just start giving my opinion, which is why you always get these countdowns of things I think. I was reading articles with the intention of being ultra picky and finding something to bitch about. Then I found Peter King's MMQB and it contained my least favorite thing in the whole wide world and do you know what that is? It's Boston fans who love to talk about their team, here represented by Peter King. My critique of his shit fest MMQB is brought to you by the irony of all ironies, using the Ten Things I Think I Think Peter King has not thought of. Brilliant!

1. My buddy Don "Donnie Brasco'' Banks is always telling me how gullible I am. Brasco likes baseball, and I called him a couple of years ago after seeing Juan Acevedo pitch in a spring-training game and told him, "Juan Acevedo's gonna win 15 games this year.'' He didn't come close. I admit to getting sucked in a bit by players I like. So write this down, you who keep records of how badly I screw up predictions: Matt Ryan is going to be a star in the NFL.

STOP THE PRESSES! Peter King gets sucked in a bit by players he likes? No way and I believe Brett and Deanna Favre would argue differently. When I first read this part of his article I wished on the brightest star in the sky it had said "I admit to getting sucked by players I like," and that would explain a few things for me. Alas, I lose but not as much as Peter King who thought Juan Acevedo would be a 15 game winner. http://www.baseball-reference.com/a/aceveju01.shtml

Check those stats out. He only started games twice in his career. So not only did P.K. get it wrong that he would win 15 games, but also he was wrong in the exact role Acevedo would play for the team. Doesn't do much for his credibility, which is why he should say Matt Ryan is going to be a star and leave it at that. Not compare him to Peyton Manning or even a character from Peyton's Place. Don't even try to have people write it down, then people are going to remember it and he will lose more credibility. Maybe he should just stop making predictions and stick to stalking football players. There is even a good chance he may not know what position Matt Ryan plays, probably because Ryan has not sucked him...........in............yet.

2. Remember how weak the Patriot rush was in the Super Bowl -- and fairly consistently weak at points late in the season? Richard Seymour's postseason: 12 quarters, zero quarterback pressures or sacks. New England has to address that.

No one but you and the 9 million other Red Sox/Celtics/Pats fans remember this Peter. See, as a journalist this is a really good stat that would generally help me to think you are smart, but I know you are a huuuuge New England fan, so I am calling you out. I think New England fans should have one of those highway billboards that count down tax dollars at work. Except the sign would say, "Your New England bandwagon fans at work" and have a count of how many bandwagon fans have switched over. Or anyone born in the New England area could be taken to a camp and fitted with a bracelet and constantly monitored for bandwagon tendencies. By the way, from how this is written, it sounds like P.K. wants to replace Seymour, who is a Pro Bowler by the way.

3. 16. Arizona. CB Leodis McKelvin, Troy. Odd. From what I read, I thought there was already a jersey in the New England Patriots Pro Shop in Foxboro with "MCKELVIN'' stitched on the back.

That's it. The analysis of this pick. Nothing to see here. From what I read, I thought there was supposed to be a mention of why the team would pick a player in a mock draft.

4. 22. Dallas. RB Rashard Mendenhall, Illinois. Jerry Jones is dancing in the draft room -- he didn't have to trade into the top of the draft for a back, and he ends up with a guy some in our business think is better and a lower risk than Darren McFadden. One question, though: Why couldn't Mendenhall beat out Pierre Thomas at Illinois two years ago?

Brilliant logic by P.K. Why can't freshman beat out seniors every year if the freshman is going to be a first round pick down the road? Can't the coaching staff use the Super Duper Predictor 2100 that shows the potential of every player and can put that player in the correct position on the depth chart? Here's a question for you P.K. Why could your BFF and always, Tom Brady, not beat out Drew Henson at Michigan? Why is Todd Boeckman going to start for OSU next year and not Terrelle Pryor? I don't want him to think so hard he bursts and spills spaghetti everywhere, but it would be nice if he thought just for a minute.

Tomorrow we are going to introduce the idea of "player improvement" and "coaching staff stupidity" to Peter. Bring notebooks and pencils, it will be a doozy.

5. 25. Seattle. DE Kentwan Balmer, North Carolina. I love what Don Banks wrote about this guy. He said he hoped the Ravens picked him, so he could be Balmer of the Bal'mer Ravens.

I hope you become King of the Boston Red Sox Nation so you can be King Peter King. What, not funny? Completely pointless and you lose respect for me? Exactly, P.K.

6. 26. Carolina (in trade from Jacksonville). QB Brian Brohm, Louisville. The one thing about draft analysis is two or three guys a year invariably get hosed with all the time teams have to play with in February, March and April. This year's prime victim: Brohm, who likely would have been a top-five pick last year had he come out as a junior. Instead, he stayed in school and completed 65 percent of his passes for 30 touchdowns on a college team with a poor defense and a .500 record. So now, he's got the plague all of a sudden. Someone's going to get a great bargain with this kid. I picked Carolina because John Fox and Marty Hurney are smart.

No. Not happening. God, I hope not. I hate you P.K. for even mentioning this, though calling my personal bff's John Fox and Marty Hurney smart is a good way to kiss ass, but they are not smart. OMFG. The Panthers and Louisville do not make good fun together. The three players from Louisville the Panthers have chosen have been 2nd and two 3rd rounders, and all in the last four years. They have none of them on the roster currently. Fox and Hurney need to be banned from the state of Kentucky. Plus, Carolina is not taking a QB.

7. 8. I think I love the perspective of Chris Long. Asked him the other day when he was on Sirius whether it would bother him if he sank like a stone in the first round of the draft and got a contract with, say, $10 million less in guarantees than he'd have gotten in one of the very top slots. "Twelve million, $25 million ... I can't spend that kind of money, whatever it is, in three lifetimes, never mind one," he said. "I just want to play football.''

He also said, "My father is also a millionaire so that kind of helps and I am pretty much guaranteed to be in the Top 5 because of all the media drooling over me." I am glad he loves the perspective of a millionaire's son. I personally love the perspective of hundreds of other prospects in the NFL Draft who would like to have the money Chris Long "can't spend" to help their families. You know these prospects, those who aren't lucky enough to have fathers that do commercials, have been in a couple bad action movies, played in the NFL, and are now featured on a national pregame show. But hey Chris, you do seem modest-ish.

8. 9. I think you might enjoy some of the stories in a piece I did for SI coming to your mailboxes and newsstands this week on the 10-year anniversary of the 1998 draft, which was held exactly 10 years ago last Friday. I won't spoil it, but you'll love the story of what Peyton Manning said to Bill Polian three weeks before the draft, and you'll love how Matt Hasselbeck and Ryan Leaf are inextricably linked in history -- at the beginning of their pro careers and at the end of Leaf's.

I now regret I subscribe to SI. If this article is as boring as his "preview" of it, then I am going to be forced to burn it. Much like I did in early October when Boston teams were on the cover four straight weeks. Honestly, I could give two shits what Peyton Manning said to Bill Polian, do you not realize this?

9. d. For Boston to be 13-7 with David Ortiz hitting .160 (and it took a mini-streak to get to .160) is ... well, it's a sign of a pretty good team.

You know what else is the sign of a good team? A team that is 13-5 without their second highest paid player. Which team is that? I am not telling look it up. That's right, you don't follow other baseball teams. Sorry, and no, I am not suggesting you actually should follow other teams, just suggesting you are a diehard Red Sox fan and that makes me hate you.

e. The best lineup, Terry Francona, is Jacoby Ellsbury leading off, Dustin Pedroia second and Jed Lowrie ninth. At shortstop. I know Julio Lugo's making $9 million a year, but Lowrie's lightning in a bottle.

What's my favorite team's best lineup? Ok, I am bored with taunting him for not watching other teams that are not in the New England area. You love the Red Sox, we understand, we just don't need a shrine in your column to them and constant tips to the team to make them better. Remember you thought Acevedo was going to win 15 games? Remember how you said you were stupid for saying that and you are always wrong about players because they suck you....in? Lowrie is lightning in a bottle and replace Lugo with him! King Peter King has decreed it so! Ah, the joy large market teams must feel when they can spend $9 million on a player and then bench him.

10. g. Every Red Sox fan on the planet is happy to see you leave Toronto in a huff, Frank Thomas. Now how about signing in Taiwan -- or at least somewhere in the National League?

Of course Boston area fans are not racist! They just want to deport any minority hitter to Taiwan. (cue redneck voice) Or stay on his side of the world and let me stay on mine. I can't believe that feller there wanted to play more, he has to be upwards of 45 years old now. Some people just don't know when to quit, especially uppitys like that Frank Thomas. He's had a good career cut for him, you need to know when to step aside and let the youngn's like Matt Stairs take over.

Ok, I feel better now. Seriously though, what does Toronto do to the hitters there to piss them off? Also Simmons jumped back on the Bruins bandwagon. I may care about hockey for five minutes to read the piss filled article he wrote. Or I may publish a book that has all my previous posts in it about my favorite team and add some thoughts I have now, just in time for my favorite team to win a championship.

Thursday, April 17, 2008

0 comments I'm Back!

Sorry I have taken so long to post something else. If anyone reads this at all, I just wanted to announce that I have gotten back from a conference on how to mold proof your attic and put parent proof locks on the pull down door. Mom is always trying to get me to see the sun and experience the "outside." Also, the computer was confiscated from me for a few days so someone else could use it. Pathetic, but true. Oh, and I don't actually have Internet at my residence, I steal wireless from like 3-4 people. Basically I am a blog survivor out here and there should be a movie about me. So in summation, I don't have a computer that is mine and the computer does not have Internet, and I don't have readers. I am the loser of Blogsville.

1. I have so many things I would like to say and comment on, but I am too tired right now. I always wake up at 3:30am and think of something to write about but then I have to scramble back up in the attic before I can write it down.

2. It is hard to write a blog all by yourself. I don't know how someone can do it and keep fresh ideas in their head about what to write about. It has given me a new lack of respect for certain Internet columnists who only write articles 2-3 times per week. If I could have all the time off I spend working in the attic on my new Astrophysics book to write an article, I think I would be kickass. Anyway, if anyone reads this and wants to write an article or two a week, then contact me. Especially if you think my blog is shit and hate what I say, sometimes I work better when I have a foil. I am not sure anyone reads this anyway, but if you have something to say then please just contact me.

Wednesday, April 9, 2008

0 comments We Want to Vent! But Not Make Sense

I love to vent and mostly I love to hear others vent. I don't know why I have been picking on anonymous bloggers and others on the Internet lately, but it still feels good. I thought I would do a variation of the Deadspin.com idea and post some vents from the Atlanta Braves "Braves Vent" on the ajc.com. I realize these people are not professional writers like I am, but they could take a class or two. You can't get anywhere without a little grit and hard work and you certainly can't learn to write with complete coherency like I do without any classes. So in summation, these people need classes to be as good as me or learn to complain while making sense.


i can think of least .103 reasons that i’m glad andruw is gone!!!

Really? Can't even think of one reason? This is one of the .503 reasons I have learned to love blogging.

Sure hope Teixeira won’t have the Boras free agent curse. We only gave up the farm for him.

Yeah, Boras free agent curse! Quit fucking with us like you did to A Rod last year...and in 2000.

If Tex would stop adjusting his cup every 30 seconds he might could concentrate better!

I think the Boras free agent curse causes that also.

Guys - remember…it’s the Braves. Cox has always taken April as extended grapefruit league to figure out players and lineup. Let’s get out of April at .500 and we are good to go. PS - Glavine looks like my dad with that gut.

I do remember "it's the Braves." I did not think I was on a Birmingham Barons message board. Outside of injury replacements, Cox has not changed the lineup once this year. So what is he figuring out again? PS- You remind me of the village idiot.

Dump Schafer now. The Braves DO NOT need this situation. Send a clear message to ALL BRAVES.

Yes, dump the #1 prospect in the system now. The Braves DO NOT need any good players. I think the 50 game suspension was a clear message to ALL PLAYERS. When did my elementary school principal start ranting about the Braves?

Middle relief is anything but…the Brave’s bullpen should be named middle heartburn.

Jay Mariotti, is that you? I would say rather than a broke ladder, we actually need a batter. What's that BELLY ITCHER doing out there, WE NEED a pitcher. The Braves need to make sure we have no middle relievers who have Scott Boras as an agent, wouldn't want that curse to hurt any worse than it already does.

How did Chipper ever graduate from college? But he sure is a helluva ball player.

Straight from Wikipedia: "Jones was selected by the Atlanta Braves with the 1st pick overall in the 1990 amateur draft. Jones then played three years in the Braves Minor League system before making his major league debut." What does college have to do with anything again?

bobby walk nl mvp w/open bag u moron

Reader comment braves vent iq of 76 u moron

Boy you Braves fans really are a tough luck case. Now your #1 prospect tested positive for HGH. You guys just plain suck. Go Marlins!!!!

I hope this fine gentlemen is going deep sea fishing this weekend and that is why he is cheering for the Marlins.

If Brian McCann was in a foot race with a pregnant woman, he would finish third.

I want to set this up.

What happened to Julio?

I think he is down in the schoolyard.

Who’s Hampton’s trainer? JD Drew?

Oh shit, he didn't go there. Who is your joke writer? Carlos Mencia?

I enjoyed this way too much...

Tuesday, April 8, 2008

0 comments I Want a Sticker!

Roy Williams wore a Kansas sticker 10 rows behind the Kansas bench at last night's National Championship game, 48 hours after his current team the UNC Tar Heels lost to that same Kansas team. I spoke with the 10,000 UNC fans I know and they all feel pretty much feel this way:


If you are illiterate or don't want to read it, basically it says, "don't worry about it, no big deal." Remarkably, that is the same reaction I get from most UNC fans along with, "We beat ourselves, we could not rebound or get any shots inside, Kansas did not beat us," and "Next year, we have blah blah blah..."

First off, if you speak with a Tar Heel fan, they have never lost a ball game to another team, they always just beat themselves. It is a case of denial, I think. I am astounded at this reaction from this blogger though. How the hell can a fan not be angry when Roy is behind the bench with a Kansas Jayhawk sticker on? How would they feel if Tyler Hansbrough had a UCLA hat on? Not too good. Tar Heel fans are blindly loyal, and I don't mean that in a good way necessarily, but I am sure they would be angry with Psycho T.

Frankly, it doesn't bother me that much. I just looked as if someone threw the sticker on his shirt. It wasn't as if he came in decked out with KU gear and shaking pom-poms for them. And, really, without a dog in the fight ... why shouldn't he root for the school he coached for all that time? Why wouldn't he want to see the team eliminate his Heels win the whole thing?

How the hell can you tell someone threw it on his shirt? Why the hell did he not take it off then? I hate it when people just start throwing shit on me, like that time Billy Porter threw a snake on my back during gym class. I was almost eaten by that snake, but really, he just put it on me and there was nothing I could do. The whole point is that Roy really did have a dog in the fight, his second favorite team in the whole wide universe, the Kansas Jayhawks. That is what should make you nervous or wonder if he is really dedicated to his team. One reason he would not want to see Kansas win the whole thing is because, maybe, just maybe, he should be sulking for the shitty coaching job he did and watching Kansas play would only give him a headache thinking if he had done things differently his team could have been out there playing for the National Championship. Not to go Simmons on you, but it is like watching the girl you broke up with win homecoming queen. You can't really be happy to see it, you have to have some regret.

Really, that is point though, Tar Heel fans are not bothered,

It also seems more like an olive branch being extended to Jayhawk Nation to stop booing him.

Tar Heel fans should wonder why the hell he cares if they boo him. If it were my favorite team, I would be wondering if Roy really cares as much as I do about the Tar Heels. Roy is a nice guy and will survive this but how can he really look at his players in the eye and say he cares 100%? How would Tar Heel Nation (cringe at that fucking name) react if the players started showing up at their second favorite college team's games?

This is how I would feel if I were a Tar Heel fan,


Again for those who don't like to read, it is bashing Roy Williams. Probably a bit too much but I think personally this is the appropriate reaction. I don't like it when my favorite college basketball team's coach coaches a certain National USA team or does commercials. Sports are not life and death but to see your coach reveling in the victory of a team that beat you should feel like a stab in the back in some ways. I wonder why it does not to Tar Heel fans.

Friday, April 4, 2008

0 comments Five Things I Think I Think Peter King Has Not Thought Of

1. Roy Williams wants it both ways and he can't. That makes him sad but Kansas is really hurt about him leaving. Here's how you mediate this bitch fight Dr. Phil style:

Roy- you went to UNC because that is where you are from and love the school a lot...just say it and quit fucking whining and bitching because you had to make a tough decision. Most decisions are tough and you did what you wanted to do when you wanted to do it, quit pretending it was heart wrenching. You wanted to go back to UNC and you did. Good, done.

Kansas- you are still hurt because Roy left you for a superior school. Seriously, nobody gives a shit or understands your whining because Kansas never won a title with Roy as the coach and it has always been obvious Roy was going to leave when UNC called. You should be happy Roy left so that you could try to get rid of the stigma that your school underachieves. If you spent less time on "I Hate Roy" shirts and more time thinking of ways to double team Tyler Hansbrough and not let the outside players of UNC beat you, maybe you would actually have a chance to win a championship. No one likes a cry baby. By the way, you are going to lose this weekend, start thinking of excuses now.

2. Brett Favre may unretire? So he retired because he did not want to play for a team that could win the championship and he is coming back to play for a shitty team? Why? Let's do this Jim Rome style.

Brett- you had one last good year in the league. Go home to your Mississippi mansion, mow some grass, and watch your kids grow up. Because the one thing that is more pathetic than watching a legend in a different uniform play, is watching a legend in a different uniform play poorly and destroy his legacy. You are a great quarterback and will always be considered one, stick with that and we will see you in Canton in 2013. Up next our new correspondent...(sorry, I put the Jim Rome voice in my head and it had a hard time leaving).

3. Bill Simmons has another mailbag up. I am not dissecting it but I will say, mailbags are great and all for the fans, but at some point you will have to write another column. Also, you are a sissy for not having comments available in your columns. Take some criticism, man.

4. http://www.insidesocal.com/tomhoffarth/archives/2008/04/strap_on_your_l.html

Rick Reilly at his best AND you get a sneak peek at what he is going to be like working for ESPN. Not everyone can write sappy, people oriented columns people!

My favorite part:

"It’s all over the map," Reilly says about sports journalism on the dot.com world. "There's some good journalism, and some really horrible crap on there from guys holding down the couch springs in their mother's basement that have never been in a lockerroom but are pining on this and that.

"On the other hand, you see the solid writers they have on ESPN.com, who check their facts, go places, see people ... People who are classically trained in journalism are harder to get used to (on the Internet). It's like, for some of these, the faster you type, the better you're supposed to be? It's like the old days of sending a Western Union telegram.

Yeah, checking facts, going places and seeing people...that is the classical training? So if I go to Boise, Idaho on a train (fuck airplanes, they are too fast and don't let you enjoy the ride) to cover the rodeo, research the bull and rider's history and interview Billy Bob Johnson about who his bull is going to mate with (Blue Manchu, of course), then I am a journalist who was trained in the classical ways. ESPN writers always check their facts, which is why Les Miles is at Michigan and Bill Parcells is the GM in Atlanta. Also, "the solid writers" at ESPN routinely steal their scoops from Internet sites such as Profootballtalk.com. I am talking to you Len Pastabelli. I am eager to hear more about the Rick Reilly Revolution at ESPN.

Did you know he chisels his articles out of stone and is not planning on posting his internet articles after that, but mailing them by Pony Express to ESPN headquarters?

5. It is funny because the common criticism of bloggers is that they are jealous of the mainstream media and just want the position to write for a major newspaper or network themselves so they criticize the mainstream media out of jealousy. I think the mainstream media is a little nervous because the Internet allows others to have a point of view that can not be controlled. They are for freedom of speech, but only on their terms. So to say the bloggers are jealous is fair only if you consider the possibility the mainstream media is jealous there may be more talented writers out there who chose not to become full time writers.

I am not among those talented non full time writers, but the attacks from people like Rick Reilly are hilarious for how much ignorance and fear you can sense in their voice about the changing medium of sportswriting.

Thursday, April 3, 2008

0 comments Good analysis Steve!

I realize it is only four days into the new baseball season but ESPN decided to bust out with the "What's wrong with the Tigers offense?" question. I think it is a little too early to say there is something wrong with the Tigers but this is Steve's analysis...

"Well, as much as you have to ask what is wrong with the Tigers hitting, you also have to credit Brian Bannister and Gil Meche with good pitching performances. I think the Tigers will be fine, they need to be more patient and they happened to run into two really good pitchers."

Gil Meche and Brian Bannister are good pitchers. This is really shitty analysis though because before Steve informs the viewer that Meche and Bannister are really good pitchers and makes excuses for the Tigers, he should think, "if Meche and Bannister are nearly shutting the Tigers out, what could really, really good pitchers do?" It is too early to worry about the Tigers offense quite yet, but if you are getting shut out by the Royals and then the next day Zach Greinke goes 7 innings while giving up 1 run, then you may want to think a bit harder about what is wrong with the Tigers. Maybe Miguel Cabrera should put on more weight, that works for Daisuke right?

Tuesday, April 1, 2008

0 comments Strike A Match...

Bill Simmons has a mailbag up. Unfortunately his mailbags are the equivalent of finding dog poo in a paper bag on your door step. What initially drew me to the "article" was his comparison between the Celtics '08 team and the '86 team. I was foaming at the mouth to tear this apart, but alas, it was only an April Fool's joke. Now he is mocking his own stupid columns. So we get a mailbag instead involving actual readers writing in to ask the Sports Guy questions. I am weary and just plain tired of this shit, can we not call him the Sports Guy anymore? How about the Boston Sports and 80's Movies Guy? That sounds a lot more accurate.

Q:Your stubborn insistence on writing basketball nonsense for months on end reminds me of when Pearl Jam made albums like "Binaural" to purposely drive fans away.I'd even read a Red Sox column or a Tom Brady column just because it's not a basketball column. You do realize the baseball season started right?-- Danny G., Kansas City, Mo.

SG: Fine, we'll make it an April Fools' mailbag with no basketball questions. (Frankly, any comparison of my hoops columns to "Binaural" is a wake-up call. I might never write about the NBA again.)

Alas, even not on April Fools Day, the joke is always on the reader. They have to read this shit, while Simmons rakes in the dough and re-writes the same article over and over. This question is proof Simmons makes up the questions. No reader in his right mind would want more Red Sox or Tom Brady columns. I also like how the questioner asked for no basketball columns and Simmons responded saying he may never write about the NBA again. Sorry Bill, NCAA is included. Actually making it specifically the NCAA Tournament and anything involving college athletics would be better for me personally. Here is a quote after answering a Brett Favre question that proves how dumb he is:

Speaking of Favre, he already has been replaced by Tyler Hansborough as the token "White Athlete That The Media Openly and Embarrassingly Fawns Over Because of His Work Ethic and Love For the Game." (Note: Steve Nash was the overwhelming favorite here until Hansborough too over during the tournament.)

(Bengoodfella groans in agony) I agree with the statement about Hansbrough, but I think Hansbrough too(k?) over two years ago when he came into college basketball. See Bill, just because you have only watched the NCAA Tournament this year does not mean it did not happen before you watched. I hate we have to go over this again. The media has always fawned over Hansbrough, you were just not paying attention and now you are. Shut the hell up and go to the next question please.

Then Simmons admits he does not watch the National League.

Speaking of baseball, allow me one extended thought about the American League heading into the season. Why the American League and not both leagues? Because that's the league in which I watch 162 Red Sox games a year and throw myself into my AL-only fantasy keeper league.

Don't worry though, this will not stop never ending, "the National League is AAAA ball" jokes and a prediction of an AL team beating an NL team in the World Series.

Boston, Cleveland, Seattle and New York (wild card) in the playoffs and Cleveland over Boston in the ALCS, with the Indians trouncing the D-Backs in another World Series sweep.

See? Not only does he not predict the National League results, he has them being swept in the World Series. This, my friends, is why I hate Simmons' writing. He admits to not following something, but feels knowledgeable enough to make predictions about it. Irritating. This is like me saying, "I have never read a single article by Jemele Hill but I know that Scoop Jackson is more racist."

From here we got emails from Boston, Pennslyvania, Rhode Island, and Connecticut. The emails were also boring. As this whole mailbag was actually. Making fun of this was like writing a review of a Britney Spears concert. The whole premise in itself is comedic, so there is not too much I can add to sum it up efficiently or even comment on it. I think Simmons has finally beat me. He has bored me to death.

Can I get some "uppity, I am rich, so I have lost all perspective" comments Bill? This was about an MTV Gauntlet question, which honestly, who the hell watches that show. I watch the Hills, and I don't watch the Gauntlet. You are 37, Bill, give it up, your prime has past you by. And yeah, I watch the Hills, so screw you all for snickering to yourself.

When I was in Arizona for the Super Bowl, I met a guy named Kyle Brandt, who was one of the "Real World: Chicago" castmates and currently works for Jim Rome. Kyle said MTV has tried to get him to appear on those Gauntlet/Challenge shows and he always turns them down, but when we were talking about it, he said MTV only pays five grand to everyone who comes on those shows (plus prize money). That's like slave labor, isn't it?

No fuckhead, that is not slave labor. Let's sum up the differences since you seem to be too rich to know what real slave labor is.

Real Slave Labor: Getting paid zero dollars an hour for doing a job, having to live in a house with 30 other people and being violently assaulted if you slack off your job, potentially in the anus if they need to prove their point.

Real Modern Day Slave Labor: Getting paid minimum wage for doing a shit job. This comes to about $12K per year.

Bill's idea of Slave Labor: Being paid $5,000 for a month of work on a game with other contestants that are your age on a major network. That comes to 60K per year.

Most people don't earn 60K per year in this country, but Bill thinks you should be paid more for going on a game show and dicking around for a whole fucking month with other people your age. This is the same person who wants Obama to be president. This is the same person who just wrote a eulogy for an athlete who died at a young age and tried to come off as caring. He wants MTV to pay these losers more money. He thinks 5k per month is a slave wage for a game show, constantly talks about his friends who are involved in Hollywood, and "knows people" in the office of Western Conference teams. He has not changed one bit from his Boston Sports Guy days though, don't worry. Let his fans eat bread! Eat bread shitheads! He also probably does not like It's Always Sunny In Philadelphia either, which means he really sucks.

Q: In the past couple years, you've said the Bruins have been dead to you. Now that the Bruins are semi-resurgent (in sixth place in the East as I write this), do you see them making a return to your life at all?-- Andrew M., Pittsburgh

SG: Not until Jeremy Jacobs sells the Bruins and Gary Bettman is replaced. I am an NHL widow until those two things happen. Sorry.

Bill, I think he just called you a fair weather fan. Not sure, but I would like to think so...and you did not catch on at all.

Q: On the "B.S. Report," you mentioned having Phil Hughes on your fantasy squad. As a "die-hard" Red Sox fan, how can you have a player from your sworn enemy? How can you secretly want to see Phil Hughes do well?-- Colin, San Francisco

SG: ...And most importantly ... the Yankees aren't the Yankees anymore. They haven't won a World Series in eight years; they don't have the Steinbrenner Mystique anymore; they're being run by Tommy Boy; they're tearing down The House That Ruth Built; the Mets are replacing them as New York's Most Relevant Baseball Team; they're four years removed from being the first team in the history of the NBA or MLB to blow a 3-0 lead in a series; and as long as Mr. April (A-Rod) is the face of the Yankees, they're a non-threat in the playoffs. To be honest, I'm more concerned with the Indians and Tigers at this stage of my life. So there.

Remember five years ago when Bill Simmons railed against Yankees fans and how pompous they were? Read the above paragraph again and tell me he is not the exact same way now. I dare you. The Yankees are a non-threat in the playoffs? How cocky. I have never heard A Rod called Mr. April before either, that is so new to me! If I were Bill Simmons doing a commentary ten years from now on my articles I would say, "this is the part where I reached the Rocky III part of my life, prior to being caught in a men's room with Kevin Love." What a cocky asshole.

Q: Just watched "Bad News Bears in Breaking Training." Is it me or does William Devane enjoy rubbing Tanner Boyle's leg a little too much after Tanner got taken out by that slide into second base? In about two or three seconds, Devane goes from the genuinely concerned stage to the genuinely creepy stage. Am I nuts?-- Rich, Linden, N.J.

SG: Put it this way: When I bought the DVD, I was looking for a deleted scene where Devane was working on Tanner's leg, the umpires tried to intervene and Devane kept rubbing Tanner's leg and fighting them off, followed by the fans chanting, "Let them be gay! Let them be gay! Let them be gay! Let them be gay!"

Fuck you Rich from New Jersey. Simmons thought of that joke first and even had a chant based on it. There is nothing you can ask him he has not thought of first. He thinks of every joke before you do and can even make it funnier. You can't bring anything up to him that he has not thought of first.

How does anyone like this guy? He is that kid you knew when you were younger who always said he had cooler shit than everyone else but you couldn't see it because his mom did not want anyone in the house while she was at work.

Simmons thought of global warming way before anyone else did. In fact, the reason he hates Dane Cook is that Cook ripped off Simmons' entire stand up act he used to do on the East Coast in the early 90's. I bet Simmons really thought of the idea for Good Luck Chuck way before the screenwriters. Schindler's List was his idea as well.

I will end it this with the reason why Simmons was asked to write for Kimmel originally those many years ago...and that reason is this joke.

Q: Some of my guy friends and I have noticed that when we go on road trips or just general vacations where we spend a lot of time together, we all get on the same pooping "cycle." After a few days together, we always end up having to poop at the same time -- sort of the male equivalent of women and the menstrual cycle. Our question: is there a name for this phenomenon?-- Jakob, San Francisco

SG: The menstool cycle?

Fucking hilarious.