5 comments Bill Simmons Tackles Whether Tim Duncan Should Retire in a Retro-Diary, Except Not Really

As you have heard unless you were living under a rock (not that there is anything wrong with that), Bill Simmons is out at ESPN. He may be out NOW or he may be out in September when his contract runs out. So another one bites the dust. Gregg Easterbrook is out at ESPN and I have no clue if TMQ will show up anywhere else. It was saved a few years ago after ESPN discarded Gregg for the first time, but who knows if another site will pick it up? I know Bill Simmons is going to land somewhere else, and though I don't think he enjoys writing as much as he used to, I'm sure he'll be writing for whatever site he joins or creates. For the time being, he's not writing for Grantland. So it seems Bill won't keep his mailbag promise during the playoffs. One of his last columns for Grantland is about Tim Duncan. As I explained in the last playoff mailbag Bill did, he loves writing about Duncan. I can only imagine how much he would write about Duncan if the Celtics had actually drafted him.

I was remiss a few weeks ago when I listed the contrivances Bill uses in his columns in place of actually writing a column. There has to be a contrivance. I forgot to mention the contrivance of a retro-diary. It's the lazier version of a running diary. Sort of a "Watch this game a few days later and describe what happened" sort of thing. So rather than simply write a column about "The Tim Duncan Question," Bill has to use a retro-diary as a contrivance for this discussion. It's such a (temporary) loss for this blog if Bill is done writing for Grantland. The list of those I can mock on a consistent basis is being pared down of late.

When my father retired as a school superintendent in 2009, only a few months before his 62nd birthday, I remember friends and family members being surprised that he didn’t stay longer. “You always want to get out a year early, not one or two years too late,” my dad always explained.

While I understand that Bill Simmons doesn't believe anything has occurred prior to his noticing it occurred, this quote has been said in different ways by multiple people through the years. Bill's father did not say it, though I understand that Bill believes because his father said it once then he obviously invented this line.

And if that’s true … what do we do about Tim Duncan?

I don't think there is anything "we" can do about Tim Duncan. He will either to decide to continue playing basketball or retire. "We" have no say in the decision.

Maybe Saturday’s Clippers defeat wasn’t as gut-wrenching as San Antonio’s improbable 2013 Finals collapse, but Duncan’s murky future gave Game 7 a different kind of desperation. He scored 27 points, grabbed 11 rebounds, drained two game-tying, über-clutch free throws with eight seconds to play … and missed blocking Chris Paul’s last-second, double-clutch, series-winning banker by the length of maybe two knuckles.

Otherwise known by most normal human beings as "two inches."

Ten years ago, he absolutely would have blocked that shot.
 
Five years ago, he probably would have blocked it.

Three years ago, he could have blocked it, but maybe not.

Four years ago, he probably would have blocked it, but ask again later.

Thirty years ago, he would not have blocked it.

Fifty years ago, Tim Duncan did not exist as a living, breathing human.

Was that the last play of his career? Duncan isn’t saying yet. Of the 14 greatest NBA players ever — Jordan, then Russell, then Kareem, then Bird and Magic and Duncan and LeBron, then Wilt and Kobe, then West and Oscar, then Hakeem and Shaq and Moses — 10 of the 14 retired at least one or two years too late.

The lesson here is that uber-competitive athletes tend to not understand when they are supposed to retire, because they are uber-competitive athletes who have based their lives on being better than everyone else at their chosen profession.

So only the great Bill Russell definitely got out early — he dropped the mic after winning back-to-back titles and beating Wilt, West AND Elgin.

BILL RUSSELL KNOWS WHEN TO RETIRE BETTER THAN YOUR FAVORITE ATHLETE KNOWS WHEN TO RETIRE! NO ONE DENIES THIS!

So those are the stakes for Tim Duncan. Leave right now. Leave everyone wanting more. Leave people saying, “Keep playing! You’re still good at this!” Leave with your legs still working. (Fine, one of your legs.) Leave knowing that, by any calculation, you were one of the best two-way players ever and one of the most beloved teammates ever. Leave with five titles, two MVPs and an astonishing 15 All-NBA team nods.

Leave after your normally gruff coach said this about you …

“I continue to be amazed by Tim Duncan. He was our most consistent player in the playoffs, at 39. He needed a little more help and I feel badly he didn’t get it. It wasn’t for lack of trying. Even our players shake their heads at his performance at both ends of the floor. He wants it badly and does it the right way. It’s not about bells and whistles and grunting and dancing and doing commercials and all of that stuff. He just does it quietly and that’s why we feel badly when we don’t get it done for him.”

That’s why we feel badly when we don’t get it done for him. Eighteen years and they’re still saying this about Timmaaay???

18 years? Something similar was said about David Robinson during the beginning of Duncan's career and I don't ever recall "Let's get this done for Tim Duncan" being a rallying cry during the first decade of Duncan's career either. But hey, Bill's memory is better than mine I'm sure.

What if he’s leaving two years early? What if he has one more vintage beauty in him?

What if Duncan retires and gets eaten by a grizzly bear while camping in the woods with his family because he couldn't outrun the bear due to no longer being in basketball shape? What if he comes back and has just an "okay" year and then retires at the perfect time for him? (Bill Simmons checks word count to see if he needs to kill more space)

Before he decides, I really hope he watches the last 12 minutes and 10 seconds of Game 7 again. Maybe it will get his juices flowing. Here’s a retro diary to help fill in the blanks.

Yes, Bill is here to help Tim Duncan by providing the contrivance of a retro-diary that Duncan is sure to never actually read. The idea that every NBA player doesn't read his mailbag columns probably would come as a shock to Bill. But hey, here's a retro-diary for old time's sake.

0:10 remaining, third quarter (Clips 76, Spurs 76) With Chris Paul resting on the bench, the Clips just “blew” a four-point lead (three missed 3s, one turnover) and have a foul to give … Manu Ginobili knows it … only Austin Rivers doesn’t realize that Manu knows it … leading to the rarely seen “fouled in the act of shooting a 3 from 65 feet away” call … leading to the incredible sight of Rivers and his son executing matching disbelief/sprint/stomp skids.

So why would Tim Duncan watch these 10 seconds again? This play has nothing to do with him at all and is just an attempt for Bill to mention he was at the game (in case you missed his previous column where he gnashed his teeth over his fate when trying to choose between attending this Game 7 or the Mayweather-Pacquiao fight) while being clever. This play had nothing to do with Duncan.

0:00 remaining, third quarter (Clips 79, Spurs 78) Paul comes back, dribbles over midcourt, takes three steps (no travel call — a pseudo-makeup), banks in a 37-footer and immediately stares down referee Monty McCutchen for the NBA’s first-ever one-legged, double-clutch, 37-foot F.U. banker.

And if bad NBA officiating which entails one bad call resulting in the officials doubling down and making another bad call as a "make up" doesn't bring Tim Duncan back from the brink of retirement then I don't know what will.

Yet another reason why Duncan should retire: Tony Parker might not be Tony Parker anymore. Check out these playoff numbers …

2013: 36.4 mpg, 20.6 ppg, 7.0 apg, 45.8% FG, 5.3 FTA, 21.5 PER
2014: 31.3 mpg, 17.4 ppg, 4.8 apg, 48.6% FG, 3.0 FTA, 15.8 PER
2015: 30.0 mpg, 10.9 ppg, 3.6 apg, 36.3% FG, 2.4 FTA, 6.3 PER

But if the Spurs have Patty Mills ready to fill the point guard role for Parker and they draft Tyus Jones then all will be right in the world.

Even if an Achilles strain hampered Parker, isn’t that the problem with aging point guards? It’s always something, right? 

Great point based off an astute observation. With aging point guards (athletes) it's always something (as these athletes get older their bodies are more prone to breaking down). Maybe Tony Parker is the one who should realize it's time to retire.

11:04 (Clips 82-81) Three-pointer, Chris Paul. Quick tangent …

Yes, quick tangent away from the quick tangent about Tony Parker's regression away from the supposed column topic on why Tim Duncan should not retire quite yet. At some point, the reason Duncan should not/should retire (other than "Your point guard is getting old") will be given, right?

In 1976, I was there when a thoroughly banged-up John Havlicek made his famous off-one-leg running banker in the triple-OT game against Phoenix. I watched Kevin McHale play on a broken foot for four straight rounds in ’87. I watched Larry Legend submit multiple Hardwood Classics moments in ’91 and ’92 while wearing a disturbingly bulky back brace. I watched a gimpy Wade throw on his Batman costume and help out Superman LeBron in those last two 2013 Finals games. But watching Chris Paul’s trial-and-error routine with that faulty hamstring, once he returned to Game 7 Saturday, ranks right up there. He just wouldn’t let that thing derail him.

Bill WAS THERE to experience these things. I thought I remember McHale playing on the broken foot and Larry Bird trying to play with a balky back, but I don't remember because I WASN'T THERE like Bill was. His being there, means he has a perspective that no one else can manage to have on these events. He's more special than you and don't question it because it's true because Bill's parents told him that all the time when he was growing up about how special he was.

These guys happen to be otherworldly athletes; that’s why we watch. They make our dreams come true. 

I really wish Bill would stop constantly referring to "we" and "our" in his columns, as if he speaks for all sports fans. For a guy who is known for a writing style that features a lot of first person accounts where he is JUST LIKE US, Bill seems to write in the third person quite a lot. His writing style has gone from "He's just like us!" to "He's just like how he wants to perceive us as being in order to make a point he wants to prove!" 

It’s incredible to watch. I have been going to Clippers games for four years; that was easily the best game I’ve ever seen Chris Paul play. It was like watching someone win a NASCAR race with three tires. He had no margin for error. None.

Bill will have to tell us what being at the game was like, because obviously on television it was impossible to see that Chris Paul was even hurt. I'm glad Bill was there to relay stories such as this, and I'm glad he has such little respect for his readers' ability to see Chris Paul was hurt, because that means "we" get to experience the game through the eyes of Bill Simmons. It's like viewing sports through the eyes of God.

And if anyone thought Bill wasn't going to write about this Game 7 as if it were the greatest game in the history of sports, then these people were wrong. Granted, it was a great game, but even if it wasn't then Bill would have pretended it was so he can justify his decision to not attend the Manny-Floyd (I like using first names better because it sounds like two really old men fighting) fight.

He’s the best point guard of his generation. Game 7 ended up being his submission to the “Best Point Guards Ever” club — his version of Isiah’s slightly-more-incredible Game 6 of the 1988 Finals. A game that I absolutely revere even though a Bad Boy Piston was involved.

It was just a few short years ago that Bill called Rajon Rondo the best point guard in the NBA. I tried to find where he stated this, but I could not. So believe me or don't. Bill did state this in a column during the season when Chris Paul was injured, so obviously Bill was making an observation based entirely on immediacy. I wish I could find it, because I stated that Chris Paul is still the best point guard in the NBA. Anyway, Bill wants people to forget he ever wrote that.

By the way, is this column about Tim Duncan or Chris Paul?

Last point: After seeing how badly CP3 wanted Saturday’s game, it was fascinating to watch how badly Floyd and Manny didn’t want their fight. They made an exceptionally lucrative arrangement to stage a friendly 12-round boxing exhibition, our first-ever Happy To Be There fight of the century.

Bill streeeeeeeeeeeeeetches to talk about the Floyd-Manny fight in some capacity.

This was the good-natured, hate-free, low-stakes battle that Drago and Creed were supposed to have had.

Isn't it interesting how Bill spent a portion of his last mailbag talking about what a huge fan of boxing he is, yet the only parallel to the Floyd-Manny fight is to a fictional boxing match? I feel like if Bill really was a huge boxing fan (instead of just suddenly becoming one a few weeks ago) then he could think of a real-life parallel and not a parallel based on a fictional fight.

When Manny fell behind heading into the last four rounds, you never felt his urgency — because he didn’t have any. That dude had both arms raised from the moment they told him how much money he was making. Game 7 wasn’t the best undercard for Floyd and Manny, that’s for sure.

Of course, Manny was hurt, but since Bill isn't a boxing fan anymore then he probably doesn't care.

10:06 (Clips 84-84) Missed Kawhi 3, Diaw rebound, Manu 3 (good!), Griffin turnover, Spurs fast break … and Kawhi blows a twisting reverse layup that leads to a Matt Barnes dunk. I didn’t love Kawhi’s last two games — no-showed Game 6, never went full Sharktopus in Game 7. Does he trust his own talent yet?

Or perhaps he is just a really good player that can't carry the Spurs team long-term when other players on the team are struggling? By the way, still no mention of Duncan. So is this column just a cheap excuse to talk about the exciting Game 7 that Bill attended? Probably.

8:27 (Clips 88-87) More back-and-forth action crests with CP3 hitting a jumper, Duncan abusing DeAndre on the low post (he’s officially in Game 6 2013 Finals Jedi mode), then Blake pulling off a reverse layup for a three-point play (“hrrrrrrr-HAHHHHHHHH”).

Son of a bitch, Bill is just giving the play-by-play of the game right now. It's nearly impossible to stay awake. And what the fuck is "hrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr-HAHHHHHHHHHHHHH"? What the fuck is that? If this were Bill's last column for Grantland then it would be fitting because this is one of his more obvious mail-in jobs.

That happened in the best two Game 7s I ever caught in person: 1981 Boston-Philly and 1987 Boston-Detroit. Everyone just kept climbing the ladder as the fans glanced around in disbelief. 

I have watched Game 7 of the 1987 Eastern Conference Finals probably 100+ times in my life (easily), so I didn't need to catch the game in person to know how exciting it was.

This was the exact point in Saturday’s game when it started happening — right here. (You’re gonna miss those moments, Timmay.)

Yes, Tim Duncan. You will miss these moments, because this column is about you. Except, it's not.

Then Jamal Crawford throws the ball away and fouls Parker. Let the record show that Crawford scored nine crucial points during the game’s darkest stretch for Clips fans,

So yeah, Jamal might have stunk in Round 1 — 11.7 points, 38 percent shooting, 20 percent from 3 and a ghastly 8.86 PER. But those nine no-CP3 points were nine of the biggest points of his career. The Clips don’t win Game 7 without them.

The Clippers don't win Game 7 without them, mostly because if Crawford didn't score 9 points then the Spurs would have won due to having lost in reality by only two points.

5:58 (Spurs 95-92) Good God, it’s Hack-A-DJ!!!!!! He makes only one of two. Can you really give DeAndre Jordan a $120 million, five-year extension when he’s become such a free throw liability that he’s headed for a Game 7 crunch-time benching?

I probably wouldn't give DeAndre Jordan $120 million regardless, but yes, an NBA team will do this.

5:26 (Spurs 97-94) Duncan scores and CP3 bricks an 18-footer, leading to the game’s second Coulda Woulda Shoulda momentum swing play--Parker grabbed the rebound, only he forgot that Chris Paul loves sneak-picking pockets after missed Clippers shots. Whoops. Pop flipped out after this one. Not protecting a big defensive rebound against Chris Paul — that’s like not moving the leftover pork chops far enough away from the counter if you have a dog.

Great analogy Bill. Not protecting the basketball from Chris Paul is EXACTLY like leaving pork chops close to the edge of the counter where a dog can get them.

5:26 (Spurs 97-94) Barnes comes in for DeAndre. Hold this thought.

It's your thought, Bill. You can do whatever you want with it. "Hold that thought" usually goes for when another person is having a thought, no?

4:00 (Spurs 101-100) Diaw to Duncan inside for a layup, Redick’s second straight 3 (off a nice pick from Blake), Parker with an off-balance banker. Boom, boom, boom. Dizzying. Such a high level of hoops. And the subtweet conversation of this epic run … no DeAndre!

I'm still confused as to what Tim Duncan has to do with this play-by-play that Bill is giving. If Duncan is supposed to miss playing in an extremely exciting Game 7, and that's why he should come back for another year, well these exciting games don't come along every year. Again, in reality Bill is only trying to frame his lazy play-by-play around Tim Duncan's potential retirement. Bill had made the decision to do a retro-diary and needed to frame it around something or else the laziness of it might become clearer.

Doc willingly sacrificed rim protection and defensive rebounding to spread the floor and avoid the Seventh Circle of Hell (a.k.a. Game 7 Crunch-Time Hack-A-DJ). Say what you want about Doc, but this decision took a set of watermelon-size balls. I loved it.

Bill just asked if an NBA team can give Jordan $120 million when he can't be on the court in crunch-time, then he says it takes balls for Rivers to pull Jordan in crunch-time. Was it a gutsy decision or a decision to take advantage of the Clippers outside shooting and move a liability off the court? So Rivers' move makes sense and didn't take a huge set of balls, right?

3:34 (Clips 102-101) Danny Green fouls a driving/careering/fearless Blake and Griffin drains both...How many times was Blake gasping for air on the bench like he’d just finished a triathlon? Nobody played harder. He finally figured it out.

Great power forwards aren’t that complicated — once they hit their playoff peaks, they start going for 24 and 12 every night and that’s just how it goes.

(Bengoodfella chokes to death on hyperbole)

Look up Malone, Barkley, Pettit, Duncan, C-Webb, Garnett, Elgin … it doesn’t matter. Those guys were getting 24 and 12 at their peaks. Blake took it up a notch: For the series, he sent in his 42 Club application by averaging 24, 13 and 7, with a 26.0 PER, which has never been done for an entire NBA postseason.

Ah yes, no Bill Simmons column would be complete without Bill referencing something else he has written or referencing a contrivance he had previously created. By the way, is this column about Tim Duncan or is it about DeAndre Jordan's foul shooting, Blake Griffin, or Chris Paul? I'm becoming confused.

Maybe it IS time for Duncan to get out. Like winter in Game of Thrones, Blake Griffin is coming.

Except winter is never fucking coming in "Game of Thrones," so according to this parallel, the discussion will mostly revolve around Blake Griffin coming but it never actually happens.

2:50 (Spurs 103-102) Diaw misses a 5-footer, Barnes blocks two Green putbacks (TWO!), then Duncan makes a layup AND gets fouled by Griffin, followed by the textbook Duncan/Undertaker dead-eyed shuffle/stomp-away/eye-bulge routine toward the sideline as his bench erupts. Just a stupefyingly competitive sequence that doubles as DeAndre’s best case for a $120 million extension, even before Duncan misses the free throw, Diaw grabs the rebound (PAY DEANDRE!!!!!),

So DeAndre Jordan should get $120 million because the Clippers don't have any other good defensive rebounders? That type of logic is how two years from now the Clippers will be looking to rid themselves of Jordan's contract. It's terrible logic. Simply because the Clippers don't currently have good defensive rebounders means they should go pay Jordan $120 million any more than it means they should find (through free agency) better defensive rebounders to come off the bench.

2:12 (Spurs 105, Clips 105) In the words of Mike Breen, “Bang!!!!!!!!!!” 

In the words of me, "Why the hell are you writing an entire column that consists of play-by-play of that game that provides no further insight into what happened on the court?"

Not since Robert Horry’s heyday has such a statistically shaky, up-and-down, pseudo-journeyman doubled as such a valuable you-can-go-to-war-with-him playoff guy. He made six or seven huge fourth-quarter plays and vindicated Doc’s decision to bench DeAndre. Of anyone who’s ever been married to a real-life reality show character, Barnes is the one you’d want in a do-or-die basketball game — narrowly edging Mauricio from Real Housewives of Beverly Hills.

I’ve seen Mauricio in action during multiple catfights and near altercations — the dude never loses his composure. Cool as a cucumber.

Yes, anyone who has ever seen that show has seen him during the catfights and near altercations. Bill Simmons does realize other humans have television sets doesn't he? Like, other people were able to view Game 7 of the Spurs-Clippers series and can watch Bravo television shows as well. He isn't the only one who can view and experience these types of things.

The only Spurs who played as well in the 2015 playoffs as they did in the 2014 playoffs: Duncan and Mills. Who woulda thunk? Maybe that’s one more reason for Duncan to come back — new blood! Free agents!

Because the Spurs are well-known for having a lot of roster turnover between seasons. I'm sure it will be attractive for Duncan to come back knowing he'll get to play next to guys he hasn't played with for his entire career and there is a small chance he'll play in an exciting Game 7. Where can he sign up?

0:55 (Spurs 107, Clips 107) Kawhi makes a sweet hesitation move, finds the right shot (an open 12-footer) and totally short-arms it. Rebound, Griffin. (No DeAndre — still!) In the last three second halves of this series, Kawhi shot 3-for-23 and made only one shot that wasn’t a layup. That’s why, in Monday’s end-of-season press conference, Pop broke down Kawhi’s development as a future franchise guy by saying, “It’s a matter of understanding that it will be expected night after night after night.”

Bill Simmons has been pushing Kawhi Leonard as one of the next great superstars in the NBA and even comparing him to Scottie Pippen. But now when he sees evidence this isn't true he is all, "Well Coach Pop said that Leonard has to prove he can do great things on a nightly basis," which is something anyone who had not already compared Leonard to a Hall of Famer knew. I'm sure Bill thinks that he is informing his audience of something new and revelatory by stating Leonard can't consistently be the MVP of the NBA Finals, when in fact it's Bill who needed to be informed of this.

Even if that next-level leap will eventually come, much like it just came for Blake (three years older), Duncan can’t wait around forever. I blame myself for throwing the Apex Scottie comparisons around.

Yes Bill, it's your fault. You made Kawhi Leonard not take "the leap" because you compared him to Scottie Pippen and when Leonard read your column/mailbag (as every professional athlete does, naturally) he thought too much of himself. Perhaps you can simply blame yourself for throwing the comparison to Pippen around and admitting that at this point it was a dumb comparison.

Kawhi isn’t all the way there yet. By the time he gets there, Duncan will be gone. Alas.

Again, it's laughable this column is titled "The Tim Duncan Question" when it seems this retro-diary is about everybody else in the Spurs-Clippers series except Duncan.

Monty McCutcheon belatedly calls Duncan for a body foul about 1.3 seconds after CP3 releases his missed jumper. Ludicrous whistle. When they no-called Barnes’s body block on Parker at 1:23, for me, that was our under-the-radar sign that the players would decide this game. Nope. Pop waves in disgust and turns back to his bench, like he was watching a meter maid writing him a ticket, said “Screw it,” and left the ticket on his car to get coffee. Go figure — Team Whine & Cheese got the shakiest big call of Round 1. Had the roles been reversed, they would have had to airlift a purple Doc out of Staples Center.

(Yes, this was Coulda Woulda Shoulda Play No. 6. And yes, Chris made both free throws — giving him an astonishing 26 straight for the postseason. Timeout, Spurs.)

Throughout this retro-diary, Bill talks about Coulda Woulda Should Plays, which is just a way to restate that certain plays could go either way and change the complexion of the game. Bill is taking an old idea about 50/50 calls or plays and re-naming them in order to make it seem like it's an original thought of his own.

0:08 (Clips 109, Spurs 109) The Spurs run a beauty of a play, getting Duncan rolling to the basket off a switch and forcing Redick to foul him. That means Duncan, hovering at 50 percent for the series, now has to save San Antonio’s season from the free throw line. In the moment, I found myself rooting for him like he was a Boston guy. You can’t go out this way. You have to make these.

This retro-diary is just absolutely riveting. If the sign of quality writing isn't play-by-play of a sporting event with the writer's own personal thoughts inserted into the narrative, then I don't know what is the sign of quality sportswriting. That's the beauty of Bill's writing. You have to give a shit about Bill and what he thinks or else it's wasted time reading what he writes. Everything he writes is framed around his point of view where he imposes his views as being the view of others as well.

Additional Point No. 2: I don’t see how the same guy who made THOSE free throws can retire...But I went to four of those seven games and didn’t see any laboring.

I watched from television and didn't see any laboring. Of course, I'm only watching on television, while Bill WAS THERE, so because Bill lives in a world where those people who watch sports on television aren't actually watching the sporting event then he knows more than anyone else does.

NBA big men and wrestlers age the same way — they get stiff and lose their balance. Happens to everyone. When I went to WrestleMania 31 and watched the actual Undertaker wrestling, guess what?

You tried to subtly brag about attending a sporting event without your audience knowing that you were trying to brag?
  
They played 341 minutes in this series; the Clippers took the lead for good at the 340:59 mark. The Spurs knew what play was coming, and so did the fans, only it didn’t matter. What’s amazing is that Paul always seemed to think it was going in. Everyone went bonkers, obviously. I have been in the building for some ear-splitting, everyone-loses-their-shit NBA reactions, ranging from Havlicek’s aforementioned banker (the triple-OT game) to Bird Steals the Ball to Ray Allen’s 3 to a slew of others. Really, there’s no “loudest” sound. Once you reach Everyone Loses Their Shit level, that’s it. You can’t get higher.

Cue to three years from now when Bill talks about he attended a Celtics game where the crowd was the loudest he's ever heard while at a sporting event and this loudness can never be topped.

CP3 played brilliantly all series, injured himself at the worst possible time, rallied back and ended up making history. And that seven-game series/battle/war/life experience brought that whole team closer together. Don’t sleep on the Clippers.

They were one of eight teams left in the NBA Playoffs, so it's hard to sleep on them.

Our final score: Clippers 111, Spurs 109. A.k.a. the Chris Paul game.

And I don’t care if it was Round 1. That’s one of the 12 best seven-game series since 1976’s ABA-NBA merger if you’re ranking for star power, general story lines, legacy-related story lines, closeness of the games, atmosphere, and iconic games/plays/moments …

So has the Tim Duncan question been answered yet or no? Or was the whole "Here's why Tim Duncan shouldn't retire" just a way for Bill to do a retro-diary play-by-play of Game 7 in the Spurs-Clippers series without seeming like he's just writing a play-by-play of a sporting event?

Honorable Mention: 1978 Bullets-Sonics, 1980 Sonics-Bucks, 1981 Sixers-Bucks, 1988 Mavs-Lakers, 1990 Blazers-Spurs, 1992 Bulls-Knicks, 1993 Suns-Sonics, 1994 Suns-Rockets, 1995 Magic-Pacers, 2000 Knicks-Heat, 2000 Lakers-Blazers, 2004 Kings-Wolves, 2009 Celts-Bulls (lost its “Best Round 1 Series Ever” belt), 2010 Celts-Lakers, 2012 Celts-Heat.

Only three of these series involved the Celtics! That's it!

The Top 12: 1979 Bullets-Spurs (Ice blows a 3-1 lead), 1981 Sixers-Celtics (the championship belt holder), 1984 Celts-Lakers (four iconic games!), 1987 Bucks-Celtics (best second-rounder ever),

You'll never guess this, but Bill knows the 1987 Bucks-Celtics series was the best second-rounder ever because he WAS THERE.

Our lost great 1980s series — they averaged 242.5 points per game, played an OT game and a double-OT game, and Milwaukee led by eight in Game 7 with six minutes to go. Oh, and Jack Sikma’s hair, Paul Mokeski’s mustache, Larry Bird’s hair, Randy Breuer’s body and Kevin McHale’s body were involved! I went to Game 7 and it’s one of my 10 favorite games I have ever attended. So there.

See?

1987 Celts-Pistons (insane), 1988 Lakers-Pistons (doubly insane), 1995 Pacers-Knicks (Reggie vs. Ewing), 1998 Pacers-Bulls (MJ taken to the brink), 2002 Lakers-Kings (the NBA goes WWE), 2006 Mavs-Spurs (the lost great 21st-century series), 2013 Heat-Spurs (a life experience) and 2015 Spurs-Clips.

Only 4 of these 12 series involved the Celtics. That's it!

That’s an unassailable list.

Don't even bother assailing this list. It's unassailable. Questioning Bill Simmons about this list of great series is like questioning the Pope about his commitment to God. I love how Bill states his own list is "unassailable." He's a guy who truly believes the bullshit he writes is the gospel on sports. The ego he has...

The Spurs blew Game 6 at home, couldn’t put Game 7 away and lost when a great player made an even greater shot. Either that was the best possible way for Duncan to go out (with a bang, still playing well) or the worst possible way (because it was, to borrow a poker term, something of an unlucky beat). Only he knows.

So … should Duncan retire?

Oh, so the supposed topic of discussion for this retro-diary is going to be discussed at some point?...but not right now of course.

If it feels like a sports movie moment, that’s because it’s basically the plot in For Love of the Game,

Except it's not the plot of that movie at all, because Kevin Costner threw a perfect game and his team won, while Tim Duncan's team lost. But anyway, I'm sure this is an unassailable comparison so I'm not sure why I bother assailing it.

everyone’s favorite baseball movie that’s locked in the basement of a reprehensible romance drama.

EVERYONE'S favorite! It's Bill's favorite, so of course that means he speaks for everyone else in the world also. The world revolves around Bill and his beliefs.

Like everyone else,

EVERYONE ELSE! NO EXCEPTIONS! THIS IS UNASSAILABLE!

I love Vin Scully. I love Costner’s buddy on the other team who sold out and joined the Yankees. I love watching John C. Reilly pretending to be a catcher. I love the moment when Costner realizes he has a perfect game going. I love Vern Schillinger Whiplash Simmons as Costner’s manager. I love “Clear the mechanism.”

And again, this column is supposedly about Tim Duncan and whether he should retire. Right now, Bill is talking about a baseball movie though. Of course.

And I really love one particular moment, right near the end, when Chapel realizes that everything hurts too much. That he doesn’t want to pitch for anyone else. That he’s too expensive to keep but too stubborn to switch teams. Everything just falls into place for him during that game. He doesn’t want to pitch anymore. He wants to leave on a high. 

This is what is wrong with Bill's writing. He writes, "So...should Duncan retire?" and then immediately does not answer the question, instead going through a long tangent about a movie that he----sorry, I mean everyone---likes in order to answer the question in the most convoluted way possible.

Always gets me. Well, couldn’t you see Duncan leaving that way next month? No press conference, no fanfare, no farewell tour, no exit interviews. Just tell ’em I’m done.

Yes Duncan will not make a big deal out of retiring, not because "For the Love of the Game" is a parallel to Tim Duncan's situation, but because Duncan has done everything without fanfare through his entire NBA career.

When you know it’s time to go, it’s not about the games, the locker rooms, the camaraderie, the charter planes and the salaries anymore. All of that stuff makes you want to keep playing, actually.

But preparing to play — that’s the culprit.

It’s the mental burden that saps you. You start missing your freedom. You have to eat a certain way, sleep a certain way, prepare a certain way. You learn to dread those mornings after back-to-backs. You hate those early wakeup calls, hate being at the gym for hours by yourself, hate working on things that you already learned a million years ago. You already peaked, and you know it, so it’s all about killing yourself so you can be 70 percent as good as you once were.

Bill knows this from his vast experience of never having played professional sports. It's funny how Bill states "we" know things when he cares to speak for everyone else, but when Bill wants to be the expert on the topic he is discussing all of a sudden "we" don't know something and Bill is the only one who has the experience enough to know. "We" thought Kawhi Leonard would be a superstar or "we" love a certain movie, but only Bill knows how good the crowd at the Staples Center was for Game 7 because he WAS THERE.

You have young dudes coming at you left and right, always looking to prove themselves, doing anything possible to put themselves on the map against you. Shit, you could see it with Blake Griffin in Round 1. He didn’t just want to win, he wanted to take it to Duncan. Again and again and again.

So it’s not about one more year. It’s about 18 of them, and how they add up and start subtracting from the current product.

Bill's writing is always very weak when he tries to be serious and insightful about sports. He tends to over-rely on hyperbole and unanswerable questions. These are the things that happen when Bill has 10% of a column idea and has to dream up the other 90% of the content.

Could the Spurs have beaten the Clips with a healthier Parker? Will free agency help? Will Kawhi make The Leap? Could Duncan have blocked that CP3 shot? Did he get there in time? Was he a split second late? Did his brain see it coming, completely and totally, only his body couldn’t quite get there?

As I said, he over-relies on unanswerable questions and hyperbole when he tries to be serious talking about sports.


He will disappear this summer, like he always does, and he will remain in shape by swimming and eating plants and doing whatever else aliens do. Some time before July 1, he will share his plan with the Spurs. Only Duncan knows if it will be one year too early. I just know that he’s one of the best basketball players I have ever seen.

This is the "insightful" ending of the column. I feel insighted.

I hope he comes back. And I hope he doesn’t come back.

Bill ends the column (and perhaps his last column with Grantland) with a reach for a thought-provoking comment. So, Bill doesn't give a shit what Tim Duncan does? That's my conclusion at least. It's funny, because if this is Bill Simmons' last column/mailbag/retro-diary for Grantland, then this last sentence is how I feel about him as well. 

13 comments Bill Simmons and The Inhumane Choice of Having to Choose Between Attending a Game 7 or a Boxing Match

Bill Simmons made his early writing career a success by being just like you and me. He talked with his friends about sports, girls, and pop culture like you talked about those topics with your friends. That was the supposed hook of his columns. Those days where Bill can relate to his readers are long over, not that you would know it from reading how his SimmonsClones readers worship his every move. Bill is more likely to end up on a "Power 100" list from "Sports Illustrated" then he is to end up at a sports bar where he talks to normal people. He's a multi-millionaire who has desperately (and semi-successfully in the eyes of some) hung on to his "everyman" quality. Just as long as you ignore most of what he writes, everyone he hangs out with, his Instagram account, and pretty much everything else about him, then you would think he's JUST LIKE YOU AND ME! In this column/mailbag, Bill talks about ultimate dilemma that the upper 1% entitled of sports fans can face. Should he attend Game 7 of the Spurs-Clippers or go to the Mayweather-Pacquiao fight? Hey SimmonsClones, he's not like you and this should prove it. Drop your idolatry and please realize he's playing you for fools. 

That won't ever happen of course. It's also nice how Bill writes a column about this major, major dilemma like he is rubbing it in his readers' faces that he even has this choice. He's essentially bragging about how he can do either and his readers won't give a shit because they live to serve him and live their lives vicariously through him. Complaining about having to choose between these two options is just a douchebag move. Just try to be humble and not brag. That's not something Bill can do, because he lives to tell everyone how special he is. He should be making this decision without trying to write about the decision in his article. Bill had made the decision to attend Game 7, but he couldn't resist allowing his readers the opportunity to know he made this choice. Bill also takes the time to explain to his readers, who apparently he feels are all mouth-breathing morons because they aren't him, the special bond between a dad and a daughter.

During Eddie Murphy’s first SNL season, Joe Piscopo started appearing on “Weekend Update” as a goofy sports anchor who shouted the big stories in exclamation points. Saturday would have been perfect for him. NHL playoffs! Kentucky Derby! Game 7! The big fight!!! SATURDAY!!!!!!

I mean, this is typical of Bill Simmons' writing. There's no need for this pop culture reference other than for Bill to say he made the reference and cover up for the fact Bill lacks the ability to simply write an introductory paragraph.

In my first playoffs mailbag column two weeks ago, you might remember me seeing the NBA’s schedule for Round 1 and fretting about one of the all-time sports fan conundrums. If the Clips-Spurs battle miraculously produced a Game 7, that would undoubtedly happen on Saturday night. I already had my ticket for that hypothetical game. But I also had a chance to attend Floyd-Manny, which meant witnessing a once-in-a-generation fight in Vegas with my L.A. buddies. Can’t lose either way, right?

Right, which is why this isn't a difficult choice. Which is also why this isn't something you build your weekly mailbag around unless you just simply want to swing your dick around a little bit and point out that you have the choice of attending a fight or going to a Game 7. Honestly, maybe Bill's readers do care and that's pathetic. Otherwise, nobody else cares and this "Saturday decision" column is just a way for Bill to brag about all the cool shit he gets to do. He's very proud of everything he has accomplished and can't wait to tell everyone about it.

You never want to make a tough decision until you HAVE to make a tough decision … and now we’re here.

My definition of a "tough decision" probably is a little bit different from Bill's idea of a "tough decision." This decision is only tough in that Bill will miss out on an opportunity, but either way he's winning.

Game 7, Spurs at Clippers: 5 p.m. PT, Los Angeles.
 
Or …

Mayweather-Pacquiao, 8:30 p.m. PT (approximately), Las Vegas.
 
Pick one.
 
(Yikes.)

Most people would just say, "I'll figure it out" and go from there. But not Bill, not at all. Bill sees a chance to brag about these two opportunities he gets AND he can get half of a column out of fully breaking this decision down? Yes, thank you more please. Bill can kill column space when he's out of ideas AND the world can know that he's wealthy and connected? The least tough choice Bill had to make was whether to do a full breakdown of this decision.

Here are the for-and-against cases for Game 7 and The Fight.

Because nothing screams "excitement" like getting to go through someone else's pros and cons list.

The Case For Game 7: Even before it officially became “One of Best Round 1 Series Ever,” we knew it had a chance to broach “Feels Like The Finals If They Happened In Round 1” (which is exactly what happened) …

IT'S A SERIES THAT IS TOO OVER-QUALIFIED TO JUST BE A ROUND 1 SERIES!

thanks to those quietly dramatic Hack-a-DJ moments, these contests balloon to nearly three hours and feel a little like those Yankees–Red Sox nail-biter marathons from 2003 and 2004 (without 86 years of baggage and eight decades of hammer-versus-nail story lines, but still) …

GREATEST RIVALRY EVER! NO ONE DENIES THIS!

can Clippers fans affect the game without coming off like a bunch of whining maniacs who inadvertently work their boys into a whining froth (and vice versa?) … 

Yes, those Clippers fans are just whining maniacs aren't they? This coming from the guy who built his early career on whining about his favorite sports teams, while inventing new and different ways his teams were cursed for dramatic effect.

I could keep going and going, but one thing I’ve learned in life is that there’s really never a good excuse to miss a Game 7 … in fact, you can use that for your high school yearbook quote if you’re under 18.
  
“One thing I’ve learned in life: There’s really never a good excuse to miss a Game 7.” —Bill Simmons

Bill is trying to get quoted in people's yearbooks now. So by the way, if there is never a good excuse to miss a Game 7 then why is Bill gnashing his teeth so hard trying to make a decision here? If he feels so strongly that Game 7 is a "can't miss" game then the decision is made, right? Of course not! Bill makes up rules, doesn't stick to them and eventually contradicts these rules over time. So he wants to use "never miss a Game 7" as a yearbook quote, but doesn't mind missing a Game 7 himself.

Most likely, Bill realizes he has half of a column idea for a change and he wants to work it out like he really thought of attending the Mayweather-Pacquaio fight.

The Case For The Fight: We’ve been waiting for Floyd-versus-Manny for six to seven solid years …

I really haven't been looking forward to it. Mayweather does not have a very exciting boxing style, which is why he has to be more exciting out of the ring, because his fighting style in the ring is slow and defensive. It's not exactly Mike Tyson in his prime out there.

I’ve been to a couple of Big Fights in my life, and, from a buzz/electricity/eye candy/celebrity/fashion/comedy standpoint, there’s simply nothing like them …

Bill hasn't bragged in a few paragraphs, so he figured he would just go ahead and do it. Bill has many expensive bottles of wine that he keeps in a separate room next to his leather-bounds books.

But a relentless (and deserved) assault by the media and on social media, too, has rendered him so completely unlikable that the unthinkable happened. Within the past two weeks, a groundswell of media members have been imploring everyone to boycott the fight … and they didn’t seem crazy. 

I will not be boycotting the fight for two reasons. 

1. As seen by the constant references in his "Book of Basketball" of women as whores or pornstars, as well as Bill's insistence throughout the history of his columns for ESPN.com where he positions women as nags who can singlehandedly bring down a great man's performance in a sporting event with their nagging, Bill hates women. Just in general. Not any specific women and there are women he likes, but mostly, women are bitches and who hasn't wanted to punch one or two at a certain time? I mean, who says "no" to that?

2. No really, why should Bill care about something like a dude hit a woman a few times?

First, I have been a boxing fan since I fell in love with Ali during the mid-1970s, back when Ali’s Wide World of Sports appearances resonated in ways that you couldn’t possibly understand 40 years later. 

Ah yes, it's another episode of "I was there so I experienced first hand what no one else can ever experience ever again" from Bill. These are all episodes where Bill attends a sporting event or witnesses something that thousands of others witness, but he acts like he has a special, different perspective from everyone else.

Of the top 200 moments in my life when I said to myself, purely as a sports fan, “I don’t know if I feel good about this,” I think boxing was involved in 185 of them.

Oh, well at least Bill feels bad about liking boxing. As long as he continuously apologizes while displaying the same lack of interest in changing his behavior then all should just fine. We'll call it "The Peter King Rule" where a sportswriter does/says dumb shit and never seems to learn.

Remember, the goal of boxing is to repeatedly punch your opponent, either to accumulate points or to knock him unconscious; it’s one of the most primitive sports we have, and if you’re thinking about attaching humanity and morality to it, you’re fooling yourself.

I'm not the one talking about how much I like boxing despite all of the faults the sport and it's participants have. So save the lecture. It sounds like only Bill is the one fooling himself, yet because he likes boxing then obviously "we" are fooling ourselves as well.

Watching Saturday’s fight doesn’t mean that you condone Floyd’s vile behavior. It’s apples and oranges. This isn’t a sport where you can just pick and choose your viewing based on some arbitrary (but well-intentioned) moral compass. It doesn’t exist. Not in boxing.

So basically Bill's reason for not boycotting the fight was that boxing is a terrible sport so there's no way for him to like the sport and take the moral high ground. That's fine, but could very well be a reason to stop watching the sport. Rather than waste space in this column and the reader's time with rambling, Bill should just write, "I like watching boxing and refuse to stop watching it just because there are some reprehensible characters." Instead, Bill rambles around and makes it seem like he's saying more than he truly is saying.

Second and more important, what’s going to be more entertaining than rooting against Floyd Mayweather? He’s the greatest boxing villain we’ve had since George Foreman 40 years ago! How can anyone not dislike this guy? We get to root for someone to punch Floyd in the face for 12 rounds? I’m supposed to BOYCOTT this? Stop it.

This is probably a good point.

The Case Against Game 7: I mean, shit. It’s Game 7. Even Johnnie Cochran in his prime couldn’t make a good case against a Game 7.

And yet, Bill is wasting space pretending like this is a difficult decision. Like I wrote earlier, he'll do anything to find a topic to write about in his columns. Even if Bill has to create a rule like, "There's no excuse for missing a Game 7" in the very same column/mailbag where he is trying to think of an excuse to miss Game 7. Obviously the concept of this column will come off as a contrived since Bill strongly believes there is no reason to miss a Game 7.

The only “case” I can make against it: Add up Hack-a-DJ plus commercials plus prime-time TV timeouts and this baby could swell past 8 p.m. PT; throw in an unexpected overtime and suddenly you’re looking at 8:30 (yeeeesh), and that’s without factoring in the Staples Center exit (never easy) and traffic (always there). So, yeah, attend Game 7 and there’s a real chance of missing a chunk of the fight (which, based on the history of these fights, probably won’t start until 8:45 p.m. PT).

Whatever time this game ends, I’ll be the guy weaving through the postgame crowd like Barry Sanders and driving home like Dom Toretto. Ride or die.

What is Bill's sudden fascination with "Fast and the Furious"? It's like he has attached himself to these films as an example of modern day pop culture that he will use as a reference and wants to keep beating this reference into the ground.

My biggest problem with the timing of this bout: In December 2012, a cartoonishly enhanced Juan Manuel Marquez — 

What kind of 10th grade juvenile fuckery is this to put enhanced in italics? It sounds like you are having a seizure if this sentence is spoken out loud with "enhanced" emphasized.

as Marquez briefly unplugged Manny’s brain for nearly two minutes as everyone frantically Googled “Marquez” and “HGH.” He didn’t just knock Manny out; we thought Manny was dead.

"WE" thought Manny was dead. All of "us."

Now, there are two schools of thought after something like that happens. Either …

There are two schools of thought and only two schools of thought. Any other thought is not a part of either of these schools and should not be considered. There are only two options, at least until Bill thinks of a third option.

1. That knockout (and all the ensuing adversity and doubt) actually made Manny stronger. And it wasn’t just the knockout; it was the devastating feeling of knowing that you had let your entire country down. I mean, Manny IS the Philippines.

That's a link to a Grantland column of course. Because Bill's columns are also a clearinghouse for links to other Grantland columns.

2. You’re never the same after you get knocked the F out like that. You’re never the same. You’re NEVER the same.

Okay, I get it. I'm NEVER the same after I get knocked the fuck out like that. I don't know why Bill insists on using "you" in this situation since 99.9% of his readers aren't boxers and it would be just as easy to write "boxers" as opposed to saying "you," but that's the type of writing that Bill provides to his readers.

Here’s where I would love to be wrong: I believe in the second school of thought (not the first, which feels a little too media-created for me).

(Bengoodfella's head explodes)

Bill Simmons, a member of the media, says "there are two schools of thought after something like that happens..." and then lists these two schools of thought. Bill then dismisses one school of thought, yes he dismissed one of his own ideas, by stating it was a "media creation" which is obviously true because Bill Simmons is a member of the media and just thought of it. I'm not sure how far down the rabbit hole Bill is here, but at this point I think he just created an idea, dismissed the idea and then blamed the media for it's creation.

I don’t see how having your brain get demolished to the point that it says “I’m shutting down for two solid minutes to regroup” is ever a good thing.

(Bengoodfella types sadly) But you just thought of it yourself. With your brain.

By the time that first bell rings, Floyd will have worked himself into a defiant, me-against-the-world frenzy. Only it won’t be a frenzy, because that’s not how Floyd works. He uses outside forces to drive himself to a deeper performance level — improved concentration, deeper resolve, almost like he took Bradley Cooper’s special pill in Limitless.

Cram that pop culture reference in there, Bill. If it won't go at first, just keep pushing. You can get it crammed into the discussion if you just try hard enough.

He’s one of the best ever at hitting people while rarely, if ever, getting hit. And when he’s locked in, when he’s truly locked in, he cannot be beaten. It’s just about impossible.

Hey, remember when this column was about Bill's big decision that had to be made for last Saturday night? Yeah, I barely do too.

Will the fight end up being as special as everyone hopes? Probably not. I hope I’m wrong. I hope Manny pulls off a semi-miracle. Yes, I will watch. No, I’m not going. I made my choice. Game 7.

Great, I'm glad it took hundreds and hundreds of words to get to the point where Bill makes a decision on which sporting event he will choose to attend. His readers definitely needed to be taken through the process on how decided which event to attend, all while feeling like Bill is waving his success in their face and being a douchebag overall, only to come to the conclusion that Bill came to in the beginning based on a rule he created. That rule is there is no excuse to miss a Game 7, yet Bill was going to ignore that rule. Of course.

And by the way? I didn’t have a choice. My daughter turns 10 tomorrow. She’s already a master guilt-tripper and consistently ropes me into doing whatever she wants. It’s a dad-daughter thing and it’s impossible to explain;

Unless you are one of the hundreds of million of people alive on the planet Earth who also have a daughter. In that case, this exclusive club of being whipped by your daughter is easy to explain because it's something hundreds of millions of fathers experience. But go on, tell me about this special bond you and your daughter have that is too difficult to explain. Please tell me more, it's fascinating to hear you experience things no one else has experienced.

I’m spending the entire day with her, then going to Game 7 … and only because she allowed me to do so. Yes, I’m daughter-whipped.

Wow, you are spending the whole day with your daughter? That's amazing and almost like something a parent would do. Fucking bizarre, man. I'm glad she allowed you to go to the basketball game. 

I bring this up for a crucial reason: Every May, my daughter’s birthday party falls on an unbelievable sports day. 

Oh yeah, that does sound crucial. I don't know how Bill managed to make this incredibly hard decision of deciding which sporting event to attend during the same week he had to give up watching sports during the afternoon to spend time with his daughter on her birthday. If choosing between the boxing match and Game 7 was a Sophie's Choice, having to spend time at home prior to making Sophie's Choice with your kids is clearly the equivalent of being locked in a room with Bill Simmons for an entire day.

I still enjoy how Bill goes through his whole thought process. He doesn't mean to, but he comes off pretty douchey. Actually, he probably means to.

And I could have avoided this, year after year, had my wife and I done the math pre-pregnancy and aimed (no pun intended)

I don't get why this would be a pun, because unless Bill's wife has the world's most bizarre vagina that resembles an elaborate hole on a miniature golf course, he shouldn't have to do too much aiming while attempting to conceive a baby.

Here’s the point: If you’re pulling the goalie and you’re a psycho about sports (and there are more of us out there than you’d think),

Oh okay, there are more of "us" out there than I think? Thanks for telling me because I'm currently reading a column about sports, so the odds are decent that I'm pretty psycho about sports. Bill Simmons telling his readers there are more people out there who are psycho about sports is pretty rich. Why must he lecture his readers on obvious matters such as this?

don’t be afraid to get a little Gladwell/Outliers/Canadian Hockey Parent Weird and aim for a certain birthday range. You can get a little sports-fan selfish about it. It might work, it might not.

Bill Simmons probably believes that he is pushing a new idea here. The idea of planning when a child is born. Families plan when they are going to have their children all the time and will avoid certain months or times of the year. It's called "family planning" and it is done all the time, even if Bill wants to try and throw a sports-bent to it in order to pretend this is a new idea.

But that’s how I came to pick Game 7 (and my daughter, kind of) over The Big Fight.

Thanks and feel free to never explain something like this again. Of course, Bill WILL do something like this again because he wants his readers to know he even had the option of attending two exciting sporting events. Bill is never afraid to tell all his readers the cool shit he gets to do. Anything to soothe his ego.

Time to rip through some NBA emails. As always, these are actual emails from actual readers.

Hey Bill, how about you aim to write an entire column without a mailbag of some sort?

(And as I write this, Bill posts a full column about Tim Duncan. He did it once AND he wrote about Tim Duncan yet again when he wrote a two-part column on Duncan just a few years ago. I'll tell you when I'm impressed.)

Q: During G-State/New Orleans, my son said to me, “You know who Curry is? Gretzky.” And we realized that Warriors/Oilers parallels worked all the way down the roster. Draymond Green? Mark Messier. Klay Thompson? Jari Kurri. Andrew Bogut? Grant Fuhr. You can even make a case for Andre Iguodala and Craig MacTavish.  I just can’t think of anyone Curry reminds me of more than the Great One. Skinny. Not a great athlete. And a genius.
 
—Eric S., Provo

I'm just going to stare in silence at the computer screen knowing this reader just compared Draymond Green to Mark Messier and Andrew Bogut as Grant Fuhr. I mean, no. Don't. Let's allow the Warriors to be the Warriors without comparing Draymond Green to Mark Messier. It's like saying Luc Longley is Grant Fuhr just because they both protected the goal on championship teams. Sometimes the similarities begin and end at the same place.

Bill shoots this idea down saying:

Do we have to bring the best hockey forward ever into this? By the time Gretzky turned 27 (Curry’s age now), he’d already won three Cups and eight straight Hart Trophies (EIGHT!!!) and broken every conceivable NHL scoring record...Do we have to bring the best hockey forward ever into this? By the time Gretzky turned 27 (Curry’s age now), he’d already won three Cups and eight straight Hart Trophies (EIGHT!!!) and broken every conceivable NHL scoring record.

Sometimes (okay, oftentimes) Bill's readers are a little too eager to get his attention and resort to just writing stupid shit.

Let’s just say “He’s a little Gretzky-ish at times” and be done with it.

Yes, "let's" say that. I bet since Bill is a huge LA Kings fan now, he wanted to be the one who made the comparison to Wayne Gretzky but his readers beat him to it. So of course, he had to crap on the idea since they got to the idea before he did.

Q: Regarding your mailbag question on the most appropriate name for the Ben Simmons tanking process over here, a great guy is known to be a ‘top bloke.” Why not call the Ben Simmons tanking process “Choke for the Top Bloke?”

—Jono Adelaide, Australia

BS: Not bad. Last Friday, I asked the readers to see if they could top “Lossie for the Aussie” or “Skimmin’ for Simmons.” My favorite runner-up suggestions: Blunder for Down Under, Poo for a Kangaroo, Bend Down for Ben, DeRailin’ for the Australian and Pulled Asunder for Down Under.

I'm pretty sure everyone remembers, Bill. It was a week ago, not a decade ago. Stop trying to run mailbag contests and just get to the part where you top your readers' ideas with a more clever idea of your own.

Q: Wouldn’t the obvious candidate be “B.S. for B.S.?”
—Alex, Manhattan, KS

BS: “B.S. for B.S.!”

That’s right … B.S. for “B.S. for B.S.”!

That's right! That's right! Why is Bill so excited?

That's fine though. Bill can pay attention to college basketball for a month every year, but I'm going to go on record as saying I think Skal Labissiere is going to give Simmons a great run for his money as the #1 overall pick. That is, unless the NBA doesn't want 6'11" power forward/center combo guys who can run the floor, block shots, are good shooters, excellent rebounders, and have great intangibles. In that case, yes, Ben Simmons will probably easily be the #1 overall pick. Don't sleep on Skal. He's going to Kentucky, while Ben Simmons is going to LSU. It should be fun to watch, but I am not even close to giving the #1 overall pick to Simmons right now. I wouldn't expect Bill to know who Skal Labissiere is though. He only knows about Ben Simmons because they have the same "B.S." initials and last name of "Simmons."

After all, we are talking about a franchise forward with the exact same name as my only son and who just so happens to be entering the same draft lottery in which my favorite team has its own pick, Brooklyn’s pick (UNPROTECTED!) and Dallas’s pick (top-seven protected — and yeah, that team is Year 18 Dirk, Knee Surgery Parsons and Just About Nobody Else right now). This is too important. I need more time.

Oh God, I'm not going to be able to handle it if the Celtics landed Ben Simmons in the draft. I mean, I could handle it, but I couldn't handle Bill's bullshit if Simmons was drafted by the Celtics. Fortunately, the Celtics probably won't be in a position to draft Simmons, even with all of those first round picks.

Also in last week’s mailbag, I gave everyone one week to top “James Dolan, disaster expert” in a new game called “Find someone who has the exact same name as a celebrity, but also has a ridiculous job that somehow ties into how ridiculous the celebrity is.”

Now, some might say I cheated by not including the other Bill Simmons — a.k.a. “El Wingador,” the renowned chicken wing eating champion who went to jail for cocaine trafficking. But I’ve been in the same room with cocaine only once in my life — during Game 7, 2004 ALCS, the bathroom of an undisclosed Boston bar, when I had gone in there to pee and inadvertently walked in on two guys snorting lines off the bathroom sink. 

I find it hard to believe that Bill Simmons attended a prep school and Holy Cross, but only managed to be in the same room as cocaine once...and that wasn't even in college.

It’s true: Lenny Bias blew three to four Celtics titles, but he also ruined any chance of me ever trying cocaine.

Well that makes sense. Bill otherwise would have used cocaine, but because Len (not Lenny, it's not Lenny...you aren't Tommy Heinsohn) Bias died after using cocaine Bill decided that it wasn't worth it. Nice to hear that he makes personal life decisions like this not based on what he does or does not choose to want to do, but because it didn't work out well for an NBA player.

"I was going to start using heroin, but the fact Kurt Cobain had a drug problem that helped contribute to his death really turned me off to it. If Kurt Cobain had not used heroin and then died an early death, the urge to stick in a needle in my arm and chase the dragon would have been too much for me to resist! I mean, I really want to use heroin a lot."

That raises a separate mailbag question (I’ll save you the energy): Would I rather have those three to four titles and maybe four to five extra Bird-McHale years (since Bias would have extended their careers) even if it meant there would have been a good chance I’d have at least tried cocaine in college (and then who knows?) … or would I rather keep things the way they were? And the answer, obviously, is OF COURSE I WOULD HAVE WANTED THE EXTRA TITLES AND THE EXTRA BIRD-MCHALE YEARS!!! ARE YOU CRAZY???????

I always have loved the idea that Len Bias would have extended the Bird-McHale years. Bill furthers this idea simply because there is no way anyone can prove him incorrect (there's no way of knowing what Bias would have done for the Celtics), but would having Len Bias around really have caused Bird's minutes to be cut and solved the back problems that plagued him throughout his late career? Bird would have been like, "Oh sure fine, I'll cut my minutes and hand the reins of the team off to this young guy, because I'm concerned about my physical well-being."

That doesn't sound like anything the Larry Bird I knew would do. The same Larry Bird who emotionally abused opponents and teammates. He would have stepped back even just a little bit and shown concern for his physical well-being? Not sure I see that.

Q: Have you noticed that every time CP gets called for a personal, he looks like a toddler who just lost his favorite toy? It’s unbelievable.
 
—Tyler, Fremont, Nebraska

BS: The Clippers can’t beat San Antonio when they’re worried about the refs for three straight hours. Just play basketball, for God’s sake. As a Los Angeles reader named Ryan points out, it’s not a coincidence that they ended up with someone nicknamed “Big Baby” on this team.

It's no coincidence this "Big Baby" character was drafted by the Boston Celtics, which just so happens to be Bill's favorite NBA team. It's also no coincidence this "Big Baby" guy attended the same college that Ben Simmons, Bill Simmons' new favorite college basketball player, will be attending next year.

Q: Kia commercial idea: Doc Rivers forces Blake Griffin to drive his new Kia 220,000 miles. Car predictably breaks down on the highway, leading Doc to complain loudly about the quality of the California roads.
 
—Alex H, Baltimore

BS: Come on, come on. They’re trying. Game 6 was a big step forward.

The fact Bill is noting that current Clippers players and the Clippers' head coach complain all the time, when there are ex-Celtics players on the Clippers team and the Clippers' head coach won an NBA Title in Boston with the Celtics is too much for me. I have died of an irony overdose.

Q: You always talk about Rondo being a 90-10 guy, is he now a 10-90 guy?
 
—Elie, Los Angeles

BS: It’s not that bad. He’s a 50/50 guy now — you love 50 percent of the stuff he does and you hate the other 50 percent. How ’bout the Mavs stiffing Rondo on his 2015 playoff share? Is there a better way to show your contempt for a teammate than stiffing him on his playoff share? I love sports sometimes. I wish ESPN voted on playoff shares every year. I would totall— AHHHHHHHHHHHHH! I’M GETTING ELECTROSHOCKED!!! AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!

Bill still loves to play the "ESPN rebel" angle in his columns and when he is throwing his annual hissy-fit over something ESPN has done. Yet, he loved ESPN enough to stay with them for the past 15 years and is perfectly fine setting up Grantland knowing he had the full financial backing support of the ESPN web of influence. If Bill does leave ESPN, rest assured he will go to another larger sports organization. He wants to be the rebel and outsider, but he's always taking the money and the influence like an insider, because that's what he is.

Bill is like a politician who states that the power should be taken away from the PAC's and other powerful organizations and put into the hands of the people. Bill the politician would state there needs to be campaign finance reform, all while PAC's "not affiliated" with him that just happen to be affiliated with him in some way are collecting millions of dollars to fund his campaign. He puts on a good show about being the outsider, but he loves that ESPN money and exposure he gets.

Then Bill makes a comparison of The Undertaker to Tim Duncan, which is probably the comparison that inspired him to write (another) column about Tim Duncan. Take inspiration where you can get it, I guess.

Q: Does no one care that Lamarcus Aldridge shot 33% against Memphis in Round One? I know Z-Bo and Big Spain are tough, but that’s not exactly the performance you want going into free agency.
 
—Kevin Linger, Arlington, VA

BS: No because Aldridge wasn’t leaving Portland unless Round 1 went badly. Yes because that series proved something we already knew: Aldridge is a star, but he’s not a superstar. (You’re not a title contender just because he showed up. But in a 2008 Celtics-type scenario, where he’s one of three All-Stars, that’s different. So you’re one-third of the way there with him.)

Oh really? From last week's mailbag:

You could make a strong case for Aldridge being in play this summer.

He’s from Dallas and attended the University of Texas, which opens up going-back-home possibilities in San Antonio (Duncan’s replacement?), Dallas (the Mavs’ new franchise guy?) AND Houston (his best chance for a quickie Finals trip).

So with two of those teams Aldridge would be part of a three-headed All-Star, but Dallas? As the franchise guy? Is Bill referring to Aldridge as a franchise guy here, because if so, he contradicts his own opinion a week later. Then Bill listed the three NBA teams that Aldridge would seriously consider joining.

Which makes me think Orlando (assets + talent + youth + Florida), Boston (assets + youth + role players + President Stevens + great owner/front office) and New York (biggest market, Carmelo, top-three pick, cap space) could be legitimate LaMarcus players here.

Now a bigger contradiction! So where are the three-headed All-Stars on these teams? The Knicks have Carmelo, while the Magic and Celtics don't really have any perennial All-Stars at this point. At no point when providing the formula each team has that would draw Aldridge does Bill write "another All-Star" as being part of the draw. So either Bill thinks another All-Star isn't a draw for Aldridge (which would make sense because he mentions Aldridge doesn't like sharing face time with Lillard for commercial opportunities) or he made up the whole "Aldridge needs two other All-Stars around him to succeed" idea in this very mailbag and has no concern if it contradicts his idea of where Aldridge would end up this summer as a free agent.

In the mailbag a week or two ago, Bill never mentioned that Aldridge would need two other All-Stars around him to win a title. This leads me to believe he, as usual, is making things up on the spot. One would think when discussing Aldridge's free agency and the teams he might choose as a free agent that "Hey, he won't win a title with any of these teams because they don't have two other All-Stars" would come up at some point. It seems like something Bill would mention this since he seems to believe this statement is true.

Q: Save this email, because I’m calling it right now: Myles Turner is going to be an NBA superstar. In three years, when he’s first-team All-NBA and carrying the Cs with Smart and Thomas to the Finals, you can run this email and say “Man, that guy nailed it.”
 
—Tito Crafts, Northampton, MA

BS: I’ll do you one better: I will run that email and say, “Man, Tito Crafts nailed it.” I’ll throw in italics and everything.

HAHA! Maybe it's the stink of Rick Barnes, but I don't think Myles Turner will make one All-Star team. He's a center who doesn't run the floor like a young person should (seriously, he doesn't move like a 19 year old) and loves to shoot three-point shots when allowed to. He could be a star, but the fact he chose to play for Rick Barnes concerns me greatly. That's bad decision-making right there. I don't think Myles Turner will be an NBA superstar. Ever. Never. Not happening. Of course, I thought Andre Drummond wasn't motivated enough to be an NBA star, so I've been wrong before. I feel pretty confident about this one. Turner couldn't steal minutes from Grimace (that's Cameron Ridley) at Texas, so I don't feel good about him stealing minutes from actually good basketball players in the NBA.

Q: In your 2007 MVP Column you wrote this about Tim Duncan:

This is simply a reminder that Bill Simmons has written about Tim Duncan A LOT over the years. Imagine if the Celtics had landed Duncan in the draft instead of not having a shot at him. There is a chance Bill would have written 2-3 columns per year about Duncan. And yes, it seems at this point writing about Duncan is the only thing that gets Bill motivated enough to write a full column without gimmicks other than YouTube videos.

Now regarding Kelly Olynyk ripping Kevin Love's arm out of socket: 

By the way, I’ve been watching Father Kelly for two years; he’s a clumsy, uncoordinated, way-too-nice, laid-back Canadian who sucks at boxing out and had just heard his coach scream at his entire team about not giving up offensive rebounds. I believe it was a fluke. Then again, I’m the same guy who still believes Bernard Karmell Pollard should serve prison time, so I’m probably not an unbiased observer here.

Which is why Bill should be ignored when it comes to almost anything he writes. He tends to come to a conclusion and then finds a way to defend that conclusion. Olynyk meant to do it and it wasn't a fluke. Maybe I'm biased because I never wanted the Celtics to draft Olynyk.

Q: Did the Celtics just lose whatever (admittedly small) chance they had of signing Kevin Love this summer when Olynyk dislocated Love’s shoulder?

—Josh, Boston

BS: Are you kidding? If Love holds any real bitterness, we’ll waive Father Kelly tomorrow! We’ll strip his clothes, force him to walk from Charlestown to the South End wearing an “I’m sorry, Kevin” sign.

Yes, "we" will do this. Also, why shame Olynyk in this way if the injury was a fluke? If it was a fluke then Olynyk should have nothing to be sorry for.

The reason he didn’t intentionally hurt Love doubles as the reason he’s expendable: Again, he’s a clumsy, uncoordinated, way-too-nice, laid-back Canadian who sucks at boxing out (and can’t protect the rim).

Keep repeating the same shit over and over. At some point, maybe you can find someone to believe you. And yes, all of those reasons are why a Gonzaga team built around Olynyk couldn't make the Sweet Sixteen and I didn't want the Celtics to draft him.

Q: It’s not like we need any more proof that God hates Cleveland, but doesn’t Olynyk bear a striking resemblance to Jesus? God isn’t even trying to hide it at this point.
 
—Mike, Chicago

Sure Mike, if you are one of the idiotic people who thought Jesus looked more like a Canadian and less like a dude of Middle Eastern descent and want to white-wash Jesus into looking like something he probably didn't look like, Olynyk and Jesus are pretty much twins.

BS: I’m starting to feel bad. Can I cheer the Cleveland fans up for a second?

When Wade knocked Rondo out of the playoffs in 2011 I'm sure Bill thought it was just "a fluke" and he has no hard feelings. Sure, I believe that. There's always a reason why Bill's favorite team isn't dirty or didn't intentionally hurt a player. In this case, Olynyk is just uncoordinated so he mistook a player's arm for something else. Maybe Olynyk was frustrated because Stevens was on the team's ass about offensive rebounding and took his anger out on Love? Of course not. He's a nice guy.

Then one of Bill's readers gives a convoluted analogy to why the Cavs fans are not loud enough at games, and of course, it ends with a reference to masturbating. Shouldn't it disturb Bill (because it disturbs the shit out of me) that so many of his readers write into his mailbag by talking about masturbating?

So Cavs fans have the breakup reunion hangover where you can’t quite put 100% of your emotion into it yet because your brain won’t let you! After all, you still keep the lotion and tissues in your bedside drawer just in case.
 
—Craig, Columbia, MD

BS: Yup … these are my readers.

Yes, they write into your mailbag to discuss jerking themselves off. It reflects on you that these are your fans. But hey, let's ignore that and hear more about how you had to make the difficult choice between buying a fully loaded BMW convertible or a fully loaded Lexus that has more room for the family. I'm sure your readers would love to read about you swinging your dick around a little bit more. 

3 comments Shut Down the Presses, Mark Kiszla Has the Hottest Sports Take the Interwebs Can Handle

I'm not sure if you heard or not, but LeBron James is going back to Cleveland to play for the Cavaliers. This news may have slipped through the cracks. Either way, prior to LeBron announcement he was going back home to Akron to play in Cleveland for the Cavaliers, Mark Kiszla had a hot sports take about LeBron. Wear your flame retardant suit, please, because this retardant take is extremely hot. See, LeBron may think he is the King, but Tim Duncan has the rings. It rhymes AND it's a play on "King James." It probably took 5-7 seconds to think of this brilliant column idea.

The NBA has a problem. His name is LeBron James.

The NBA's problem is that LeBron James is too good at playing basketball and brings too much interest to the NBA. He stays out of too much trouble and is too much of a role model for kids. He must be stopped immediately. Where's Tim Tebow when you need him? How dare LeBron inadvertently create interest in the NBA.

The league has sold its soul to the cult of King James. 

When the NBA sold its soul to Michael Jordan, that worked out terribly. I mean, there was all this interest in the NBA and one of the NBA's greatest players was winning titles. (Shudders) What a dark period that was. 

Remember when what happened on the court actually mattered in the NBA?  

Yes, I do remember late June. Do you remember when LeBron James played basketball (right now) and he became a free agent (this just happened) and he was able to choose a new team to play basketball for (this just happened)? This resulted in LeBron James joining the Cleveland Cavaliers (he's coming home) and improved the product that they will put on the court (coming this 14/15 NBA season) and that's why his free agency mattered, because he is going to make the team he chose matter on the court this upcoming season. 

These days, the only thing that really counts in the NBA is the courtship of the King. The wooing of James got so ridiculous, so fast, it even made 69-year-old Pat Riley look as desperate as a nerd begging for a date to the middle school dance.  

Pat Riley planned for two years to wait for LeBron James, Dwayne Wade, and Chris Bosh to be free agents so he could sign them. This resulted in four NBA Finals appearances and two NBA titles. But yeah, the fact Riley wanted to spend a day convincing LeBron to win more NBA titles, that was so pathetic. What a loser that Pat Riley is to court the best basketball player on the planet and try to convince him to come back and re-join the Heat. He should have played it cool like Dan Gilbert is known for doing and acted like an adult.  

James is either going back to Cleveland. Or he isn't. Next on "SportsCenter"!

Why is it LeBron James' fault that everyone (myself included) were speculating where he might end up signing? He has the right to take his time and choose the right team for him. 

Well, the San Antonio Spurs won their fifth championship of the Tim Duncan era with some of the most beautiful basketball ever seen. But that's trivial stuff. 

Because Tim Duncan has everything to do with where LeBron James plays during the 14/15 season.

So LeBron James is to blame for the speculation, and as Kiszla points out, Tim Duncan has won five NBA titles and plays beautiful basketball. That's totally relevant to the subject of LeBron James' free agency. 

While the world of social media spins out of control 24/7, one truth regarding sports remains the same, forever and always: It's all about the scoreboard, baby.

Okay, so while Tim Duncan is the king then that means Bill Russell has the rings, right? Or is it while Tim Duncan has the rings, Michael Jordan is the king and has the rings? Scoreboard, baby!

When that ceases to be the case, we might as well be watching Miley Cyrus twerk.

I don't really understand this reference. It seems like a forced pop culture reference to me. 

King James has no clothes.

I'm sure he can afford some now that he will be making $20+ million per year. Besides, it's the emperor who has no clothes, not the king.

And the NBA has been exposed as little more than his prop.

No, the NBA has been exposed as a league whose best player was a free agent and there was a lot of interest in where the NBA's best player would end up in free agency. Funny how this Denver-based writer didn't think the NFL wasn't Tim Tebow's prop during his time playing with the professionals. The interest in where LeBron ended up doesn't make the NBA a prop, it increased interest in the NBA.

To be sure, the two NBA championships won by James are nothing to sniff at.

Well, I'm glad he has your approval. I am sure it means a lot to LeBron to know a hack writer validates his championships as nothing to sniff at. 

That gives the King one more ring than Dirk Nowitzki. And one ring fewer than Brian Shaw earned as a player.

And still fewer rings than Robert Horry. ROBERT HORRY IS A BETTER PLAYER THAN LEBRON JAMES BECAUSE HE MORE CHAMPIONSHIP RINGS! SCOREBOARD, BABY!

Everybody in the league puts life on hold for LeBron.

The best basketball player on the planet is a free agent for the second time. This never happens. It never happens that the best basketball player on the planet is a free agent once, but to happen twice, and for him to go back to the team that originally drafted him? It's an interesting story. Dismiss it as uninteresting or an example of the NBA as a prop, but it's a unique situation. Also, what the hell happened to the Tim Duncan strawman argument? I was looking forward to criticizing that line of thought for it's randomness.

The King builds teams as he sees fit.

He had the right as a free agent to choose his next team and he took his time, smartly I might add, choosing his next team. Criticizing James for wanting to play for a winning team surrounded by other quality players is hypocrisy when talking about Tim Duncan playing a beautiful game of basketball. Tim Duncan wants to play for a winning team and he helped build the Spurs team as he saw fit by giving the team cap room to add other players on the roster. 

Hey, Houston Rockets, do you mind if free agent forward Chris Bosh puts you and your piddling $88 million offer on hold until James tells him it's OK what to do?

LeBron James didn't tell Chris Bosh to wait for him to make a decision. That was Bosh's decision to not sign with the Rockets until James chose a team. You can't blame everything on LeBron James. 

Wait until you check out the unbearable case of inferiority complex the Timberwolves would acquire if Kevin Love forsakes them for Cleveland, all because James snapped his fingers.

I'm pretty sure Minnesota already has that inferiority complex due to Kevin Love essentially saying he would never re-sign with the Timberwolves and Kevin Garnett leaving for Boston a few years ago because Danny Ainge promised him a dream team with the Celtics. 

Now, like some jealous little kid, Melo is afraid to announce whether he's staying in New York or joining the Lakers in the same news cycle as Decision 2.0 by James.

Carmelo's decision didn't have anything to do with LeBron. It had to do with him not being sure he didn't want to play in Chicago. Carmelo isn't sure where he wants to play. What a shock though. A Denver-based writer bashes Carmelo Anthony. 

James broke the hearts of Cleveland when he took his talents to South Beach in 2010. What he's doing now is making a mockery of the games, all the flyover franchises and NBA stars groveling to be LeBron's wingman.

No, he's choosing his next team. All of this other ancillary stuff wasn't his fault or his doing. He has a right to choose his next team in free agency and shouldn't be on Mark Kiszla's time table simply because Kiszla doesn't like the impact around the NBA LeBron's choice had. 

I don't begrudge James his power.

Mark Kiszla doesn't begrudge James his power, yet this entire column is Kiszla begruding LeBron James his power and criticizing James for taking time to make a decision in free agency. But no, he doesn't begrudge LeBron...just as long as you ignore this article as a great example this statement is a lie.

More power to him. James didn't write the rules of the collective bargaining agreement; he merely exploited them.

But you are acting like LeBron wrote the rules, forced NBA writers to speculate on his destination and intentionally isn't making a decision so that the entire NBA will revolve around him more than it already does. You also randomly bring up Tim Duncan in the conversation to show how LeBron doesn't have the rings worthy of being discussed at such length. 

But any league where the whim of one man is more important than the final score is dribbling down the wrong path.

The whim of James isn't more important than the final score. The season is over. There are no more games. There is no final score. There is no reason James' decision had anything to do with the final score of anything. You have no point. Stop writing crap like this. 

Anybody, however, who tells you James is as great as Michael Jordan, Magic Johnson, Larry Bird, Bill Russell, Oscar Robertson or Hall of Famers who relished competition instead of moving on to whatever's convenient fails to realize how hard a meaningful legacy is earned in sports.

It does help that Bill Russell, Larry Bird, and Magic Johnson didn't have to leave their teams to find great Hall of Fame teammates. Check out the teams that LeBron carried on his back in Cleveland prior to 2010. Heck, compare the Heat teams from 2011-2014. The Celtics and Lakers teams with Russell, Bird and Magic had as many Hall of Fame players (and other quality NBA players) on the roster during the years they won titles as the Heat had during their four year run with LeBron. Whatever though, make up your own narrative through revisionist history. 

James wins Twitter.

Duncan wins rings.

Tim Duncan is also 37 years old. He had three NBA title at the age of 29 and LeBron James has two NBA titles at that same age. Randomly comparing Duncan at the end of his career, in terms of championship rings, to LeBron James in the prime of his career is a misleading comparison. 

You tell me who the real king is.
 
Um, Bill Russell or any other NBA player with more than five NBA titles on his resume?