9 comments Bill Simmons Does a Retro-Photo Diary In a Desperate Attempt to Avoid Jumping the Shark by Just Letting the Shark Eat Him

It's bad you know. I have suggested in the past that Bill Simmons either has writer's block or has completely run out of column ideas. I have said this because I believe it is true. I don't even know how to really cover this "column" by Bill. It's bad. Sometimes a writer or artist puts out something you know he will look back on in a few years and probably regret. I think this may be one of those times for Bill. It's sad to see a once-talented writer now resorting to a retro-photo diary of a regular season NBA game. That's where Bill Simmons is at and what he has done though. This isn't even a "photo" diary, it is screencaps of a Celtics-Knicks game taken from Bill's television with clever comments below them. This is probably going to be less of a takedown of Bill than it is a public mourning of what has become of him and what talent he once had.

I firmly believe Bill Simmons is out of column ideas. He's bone-dry at this point. He is forced to run mailbags and conversations he has with other Grantland writers in order to fulfill his one column per week allotment. If I didn't know better, I would feel bad for him. So this week Bill took an idea that probably sounded good on paper, a retro-photo diary of an NBA game, and does the absolute best he can with this idea. I read it and looked at the pretty pictures and I kept hearing this column screaming at me, "THIS IS ALL I'VE GOT RIGHT NOW! YEAH, THIS IS IT! IF YOU HAVE ANY BETTER IDEAS FOR A COLUMN, PLEASE PRESENT THEM IMMEDIATELY!" The execution isn't bad necessarily. It's not worse than the mailbags Bill has done over the past year, but it is a shining example of how Bill Simmons simply (a) doesn't have time to think of column ideas or (b) simply can't think of any new column ideas. He's tapped out. At this point, Bill is coasting on his previous columns and his reader's unwavering support that he is the funniest, most clever writer in the world.

I have very few rules in life, but here's one of them: Anytime a Knicks-Celtics grudge match causes Carmelo Anthony to hire a bodyguard, Boston fans to wave Honey Nut Cheerios boxes, the NBA to assign Dick Bavetta AND Joey Crawford, and my dad to say the words, "I feel like the entire season is on the line tonight," I have to create a totally new gimmick for a column.

Bigger lies have rarely been told. Bill doesn't have "very few" rules in life. He has a shitload of rules in life. Nearly every column or mailbag he is creating new rules for some sort of new list that he has created. It's never-ending. And Bill's acknowledgement this is a "gimmick" only serves to highlight it is a gimmick and doesn't come off as self-effacing.

Introducing the Retro-Photo Diary! Let's get it on.

Actually, can we get it off? Like get this Retro-photo diary off the Grantland site?

Bill (obviously, since it is a photo-diary) has a lot of pictures that I don't care to link here. Mostly I want to focus on Bill's bad jokes and the idea he is taking pictures of his television and presenting them in his column with jokes below them and this is his column idea for the week. I almost feel bad for him. I really do. Almost.

Right when KG and Carmelo approached each other last night for their inevitably awkward fist-bump, TNT's director inexplicably switched to a close-up of KG and blew the fist-bump. (You can only see Carmelo's hand right there.) I can't wait to see where this ranks in Bleacher Report's "The 25 Biggest Blown Fist-Pump Shots" feature this weekend.

Now that's a pretty good joke. Actually, it isn't even a joke because this sounds like something Bleacher Report would do. Well, it is a joke, but a joke so far grounded in reality I actually did a search for "Bleacher Report Fist Bumps."

You know within about five minutes which Rajon Rondo showed up: Either it's Local Cable Rondo (the guy who settles for jump shots, refuses to drive to the basket and only cares about padding his assist count), or National TV Rondo (the guy who attacks the basket, plays aggressively, flirts with a triple-double and generally makes you feel like he gives a shit).

OUR ELITE POINT GUARD IS INCONSISTENT! HOW WE MAKE IT THROUGH WITH SUCH AN INCONSISTENT POINT GUARD IS A MIRACLE!

Notice how "Local Cable" Rondo only cares about padding his assist count. Don't you just hate it when your team's point guard only cares about padding his assist count? These are the things Bill Simmons bitches about. He bitches Rondo gets too many assists sometimes, meanwhile the Lakers have been trotting out Chris Duhon at point guard for part of the season.

It's one of my favorite winter traditions, right up there with Christmas and the NFL playoffs … that's right, it's Danny Ainge's annual "I swear, we're not trying to blow this team up!" denial. It always seems to come right as he's juggling about 244 possible deals with 17 different teams. Playing for the Celtics in January and February is like being on The Bachelor — it's just a good idea to pack your suitcase before every Rose Ceremony no matter how safe you're feeling.

Check out Danny Ainge's transaction history. He's made five in-season trades since the 07-08 season. Three of those were on one day, February 24, 2010 and only two of those trades could in any way be deemed consequential in that they had an impact on the Celtics rotation. Sooooooooooooooooooo, basically Bill is full of shit. Danny Ainge doesn't make a lot of trades in January and February. Kendrick Perkins is the most consequential player that has gotten traded in six seasons by Danny Ainge. As usual, reality doesn't match up with what Bill believes to be true.

Spike Lee needs to make a movie about two die-hard Knicks fans who get so tired of Spike Lee that they kidnap him during the 2013 playoffs. That would be the best Spike Lee Joint since Inside Man.

This is where Bill Simmons is at in the year 2013. If we don't hold a funeral for his writing career very soon then we should never do it.

Wait, is Bullet to the Head Sly Stallone's new movie or the upcoming 30 for 30 about the 2012-13 Lakers? I can't remember.

"What are we, Vikings?"

I know Bill doesn't like Jay Leno because he considers himself a part of the "Jimmy Kimmel against Leno" gang, but this Stallone-Lakers joke is tailor-made for a Jay Leno monologue.

Then Bill shows us a picture he took of his television where the sideline reporter is interviewing Mike Woodson:

"Coach, I know Bernie Mac isn't with us anymore, but do you still keep in touch with Cedric the Entertainer and D.L. Hughley?"

Steve Harvey and Mike Woodson look alike to Bill because they are both black, have facial hair, and have bald heads.

Serious question: Why didn't Honey Nut Cheerios offer $3 million apiece to KG and Melo to film a surprise commercial that could have debuted during this game? How great would that have been? There's still time, Honey Nut Cheerios! Do it for All-Star Weekend!

They probably didn't do this because they didn't want to spend $6 million to advertise for a brand that people already know and like. If this is a "serious question" I would hate to read a non-serious question Bill has.

Check out Dick Bavetta making a traveling call in front of a totally horrified Doc Rivers. For the record, Dick Bavetta is three years older than David Stern, five years younger than Bud Selig and 101 years younger than John Wilkes Booth.

The best part about this picture that Bill showed is that you can see where he stopped the television at 5:52pm PST because the DirectTV progress bar is at the bottom of the screen. I can imagine Bill rewinding the Celtics game to get to the perfect part of the game and then trying to pause it at the exact moment so he can take a picture of his television with his smartphone. So I wasn't joking when I said Bill was taking pictures with his smartphone and then uploading them into this column and writing jokes about the pictures. He's really doing this and isn't embarrassed at all about it.

Boston's crowd was surprisingly cordial to Carmelo. I thought they'd be chanting "Honey Nut" and prancing around dressed in giant Cheerios boxes. Nope. It's hard to overstate how bummed out everyone is about last Sunday's Ravens game, as well as the real possibility that Bernard Karmell Pollard is the Boston Sports Antichrist.

So Celtics fans can't cheer loudly for their team because they are so bummed about the Patriots losing to the Ravens? The lack of noise has nothing to do with the Celtics just being an average team at this point in the season? Not at all. Celtics fans would make more noise but they are so tortured and saddened by the Patriots loss in the AFC Championship Game they just can't make noise. The lack of enthusiasm is purely a side effect of the Patriots torturing Celtics fans with being one of the best teams in the NFL and having the audacity to lose in the playoffs that they just can't be overly mean to Carmelo Anthony. Bill can't state enough how the fact the Celtics aren't a great team has nothing to do with the enthusiasm level of Celtics fans.

Check it out — if Carmelo goes two for his next eight, he's going to win tonight's MVP award.

It's a 6-24 joke! These types of jokes were old the very minute Bill Simmons made the first one. Let's review Bill's hypocrisy once again. Paul Pierce won the 2008 NBA Finals MVP, though an Oscar for Best Actor in an Injury Situation probably would have been more suitable. Regardless, Pierce shot 4-13 in Game 6 of that series. That's a 30.8% shooting night for those of you counting at home. Kobe shot 6-24 which is a 25% shooting night. So maybe Lakers fans should start hitting Bill back with terrible "4-13" jokes.

Did Rondo stupidly pass the ball here over just taking the easy layup and/or getting fouled and going to the line? Of course he did. Did it lead to a turnover and a basket on the other end? Of course it did.

OUR ELITE POINT GUARD IS SO FRUSTRATING! EVERYONE RELATE TO ME AS I COMPLAIN ABOUT A PLAYER 25 OTHER TEAMS WISH THEY HAD!

By the way, Bill stated "National TV" Rondo showed up for this game, but Bill said "Local Cable" Rondo is described as:

(the guy who settles for jump shots, refuses to drive to the basket and only cares about padding his assist count)

"National TV" Rondo is:

(the guy who attacks the basket, plays aggressively, flirts with a triple-double and generally makes you feel like he gives a shit)

Doesn't passing the ball rather than attacking the basket sound like "Local Cable" Rondo, yet Bill has already stated "National TV" Rondo showed up for this game. So either Rondo had a sudden inspiration to be "Local Cable" Rondo or Bill makes shit up as he goes along and hopes no one catches it. What does it really matter if Bill makes things up anyway? It's not like anyone could point it out in the non-existent comments.

Uh-oh … Melo is heating up. Just made four of his last six. There are seven "Uh-oh, he's heating up" scorers in the NBA right now: Durant, LeBron, Kobe, Melo, Harden, Kyrie Irving and Jamal Crawford.

There are only seven of these kind of scorers. You may have thought there were six, eight or nine, but you are wrong because Bill Simmons says there are seven and only seven.

This was a sneaky-big play — Smith bricked this 3, but Prigioni grabbed the rebound and found Carmelo for a 3, followed by every Boston fan saying, "Who the hell is Pablo Prigioni? Wasn't he one of the bad guys in Man on Fire?"

I find it hard to believe the most knowledgeable fan base in the history of sports doesn't know who Pablo Prigioni is. This reminds me...don't forget we are two months away from Bill Simmons watching the NCAA Tournament and then acting like he is an expert on college basketball. Forget Christmas, this is my favorite time of the year. Bill is an NBA expert who watches three weeks of college basketball and then figures he is an expert on college basketball as well, except he isn't at all.

Then Bill includes a picture of Doc Rivers talking to Ty Lue and writes a fake conversation that goes this way:

"I mean, Danny spends just over $35 million combined on Bass and Terry, then he spends another $36 million on Jeff Green. How can you splurge on three untradable guys in the same summer? Even Prokhorov won't take those guys in a trade! We couldn't be more screwed. I told Danny, 'I don't care how badly my son is playing in New Orleans — if you don't trade for him within the next six weeks, I'm quitting after the season and doing TV.' 

This kind of clever, but still doesn't take away the fact this is a column that is based on screenshots of a television screen. Also, why would even Doc Rivers want a combo guard who shoots 33% from the field, scores 6 points per game, shoots 31% from three point range and averages two free throws per game? Even if it is his son, I'm not sure Doc wants that kind of player on his team. There was commentary by the Big Lead that the Duke offense was holding Rivers back (you know, much like it didn't hold Irving back in the few games he played for Duke when he was consistently the best player on the floor...The Big Lead argues the Duke offense held Irving back, which is ridiculous, but I better move on now), but maybe the Duke offense made Rivers look better than he actually is. I say this because Rivers has been terrible so far in the NBA.

Carmelo's best talent other than challenging opponents to fights near the team bus as long as 10 people are standing between them:

Says the guy who cheers for Kevin Garnett, who only picks fights with small children and the occasional foreign-born center. This is a rich statement coming from Bill.

I don't think the Knicks can make the Finals (it's just too easy for good defensive teams to lock them down, and they're not good enough on the other end), but could they make some 3s for two weeks and ride a red-hot Carmelo past anyone in the NBA except for Oklahoma City? Absolutely.

So Bill doesn't think the Knicks can make the NBA Finals, but they can beat every team except for Oklahoma City, which is a Western Conference team. Doesn't this mean Bill believes the Knicks can make the NBA Finals or is this an example of Bill talking out of both sides of his mouth in an effort to later claim that he was right? If the Knicks can get past any NBA team except for Oklahoma City, this means they could make the NBA Finals. I think Bill is simply hedging here so he can eventually say he was right about the Knicks either way.

Rondo! I've written this before, but having Rondo on your favorite team is like having a cat: He's moody, he's unfriendly, he disappears, you can't count on him, you can't figure him out … and then, out of nowhere, he'll jump on your lap or start playing with a ball of string. And you're like, "I love having a cat! This is great!" That's the Rondo Experience.

All of Bill's bitching about having Rondo as the Celtics point guard certainly isn't getting old fast at all. Only Bill could bitch about a Top 5 point guard and expect to garner any sympathy.

This fourth quarter was really the 2013 Celtics in a nutshell: no second-chance points, no easy baskets, missed 3s, mediocre defense, crucial offensive rebounds allowed at the worst possible times, and if Pierce isn't making shots, then it's up to Rondo to create every single basket or we're screwed. There's a reason this team fell under .500, with a first-round massacre against Miami looming. I'm depressed. I might pour myself a stiff cocktail before we finish this column.

Apparently Bill lives in the world of the 1960's as depicted on "Mad Men." 

By the way, we are getting shakier and less focused pictures of Bill's television at this point in the column. He has one photo of the Celtics huddle at the end of the game where it looks like an accidental picture that ends up slightly double exposed. It also looks like Paul Pierce has suffered nuclear radiation and his face is slowing melting. It appears Bill is starting to mail in the retro-diary by not taking good pictures of the game on his television. So this is a mailed in column based on an idea that shows me he is out of column ideas.

That face is telling me, "Hey, Simmons, you should go on draftexpress.com and start familiarizing yourself with the 2013 lottery picks."

There's no need for that! Bill is going to watch the NCAA Tournament for three weeks and he will be smarter than everyone else when it comes to the talent of certain college basketball players. I can't wait for comments like:

"Patric Young is a slightly smaller version of Dwight Howard with most post moves." Then Bill will insert a pop culture reference in there.

"Mason Plumlee is a slightly more athletic Spencer Hawes." Then Bill will follow it with a low hanging fruit joke about Duke basketball.

"Shabazz Muhammad is going to be great in the NBA. Did you see the players surrounding him at UCLA? He reminds me of Kevin Durant at Texas." Because it's not like UCLA was ranked earlier in the year, had a great recruiting class or Muhammad came into the season looking 10 pounds overweight.

I am sure Bill will have a few comments about Ben McLemore as well. You just never know how much of an expert he will become after watching three weeks of college basketball and getting debriefed by Mark Titus, who because he warmed the bench for Ohio State is now a college basketball expert.

Don't worry, we can still turn this season around.

Bill ends this column with a screenshot of his computer (not just the television now, but his computer...taking pictures of technology is Bill's forte apparently, so I can't wait for pictures of his recent vacation that are pictures of pictures taken on his camera) showing the Celtics trading for Russell Westbrook, Kevin Durant, and Serge Ibaka.

I know there were some who enjoyed this column, so I imagine his SimmonsClones love for him will make Bill think this column was a successful idea. For me, this is the result of Bill having absolutely no clue what to talk about when his Celtics are struggling, the Red Sox aren't playing, and the Patriots are not in the Super Bowl. His voice as "the fan" seems to becoming more of the voice of "the guy who can read email and then copy and paste this email into a column."

3 comments Bill Simmons Breaks Out the "Real" Mailbag to Break Down the Dwight Howard Trade

I have created a College Football Yahoo Pick 'Em league if anyone cares to join that league. The league ID is 5656 and the password is "asu." Though large numbers aren't as necessary in that league, we only have two people and that's depressing.

Bill Simmons had a great time over at the Olympics. Don't take my word for it. He'll prove to be the annoying braggart we all know he can be when he tells you himself in a minute or so. Bill also has a great time in Los Angeles because of the great weather and will mention this no less than three times in this "mailbag." Bill did not have a great time hearing about the Dwight Howard trade. He is a very sad right now. Not sad enough to not do a two-question mailbag on the topic though! Not sad enough to make further excuses for Daryl Morey thought! Not sad enough to not put together words in sentences that give thousands a headache.

Man, life just couldn't be better out here in how-the-hell-is-it-still-sunny London.

Well great, just be sure to tell us all about in an effort to prove your insufferability is off the charts. God knows there isn't anything people enjoy reading more than how good of a time someone had on vacation. Only if Bill sat us down and showed us pictures for 30 minutes could it get worse then getting to read about all of the awesome things Bill did in London because he works for Grantland which is affiliated with ESPN, though Bill could afford to go to the Olympics even if he didn't start Grantland with his own two hands because he gets paid a lot of money and used to work for Jimmy Kimmel.

I knocked Wimbledon and Wembley off my sports bucket list. I caught a do-or-die quadruple-header of men's hoops. I watched the USA women's gymnastics and soccer teams capture gold medals under especially tense conditions.

Again, good for you. We are all bitter and don't care to hear about your good fortune. Well, that is except for the SimmonsClones. They live vicariously through Bill Simmons so his good fortune is their good fortune.

You know what? I say we immortalize this experience with a mega-mailbag for old time's sake. As always, these are actual e-mails from actual readers.

This is actually a mailbag that answers two questions, followed by two other mailbags about the London Olympics. Will I get to at least one of the other mailbags? As Joe Morgan used to say, it's too early to tell, but Ryan Howard is underpaid if you compare him to Matt Holliday.

Q. The Lakers got Howard without having to give up Gasol??? Seriously NBA GM's, what the hell? I'm very drunk and I have to work hardcore tomorrow. Is there a bright side or silver lining to this?
— Jay, Chicago

Just a tip to you sports fans out there. If you are drunk and have to work tomorrow, hardcore work nonetheless, and you decide while you are drunk the one thing you need to do is email Bill Simmons...then you need to sober up and take a good hard look at yourself in the mirror. There's a chance you may led a sad life and need to find new role models. There is no excuse for someone's judgment to be so impaired while drinking they think emailing Bill Simmons, and stating they are drunk as if this gives them "cool points" in the mind of a 40 year old man with two children, is what they should be doing with their time.

Q: You went on record saying that the Lopez/Humphries/multiple first round picks deal for Howard was "unacceptable." If that deal was 30 cents on the dollar, this deal has to be 2 cents on the dollar, right? The Magic got family sized pupu platter deluxe in Afflalo, Harrington, Vukevic, Harkless and 3 protected picks in the 20s.
— Matt Whitaker, Columbus, OH

Allow me to go on record. I like Moe Harkless a lot. Not as much as I like Brad Beal, but I like Moe Harkless a lot lot. I like him as a rookie who needs a year or two to learn to play in the NBA. He is not worth Dwight Howard. Not that Harkless was traded straight up for Howard, but this was not a good trade for the Magic overall. Though the good news is the Magic fans got rid of the Dwight Howard stories that were dominating the coverage of the team...so that's something, right?

I'm just going to start typing. Here are my gut reactions …

Right because I am sure this mailbag was typed straight from his gut and contains absolutely no editing. Bill is just going to start typing his gut instincts, then review what he typed 2-3 times, add in a few jokes, and finally submit the column. It's all just so off-the-cuff.

WINNER: The Lakers Couldn't have played it any more perfectly these past six months: never biting on Orlando's "No, we need Gasol AND Bynum" power play,

Yes, the Lakers played this perfectly, but it also helped the Magic ended up having very little leverage when it came to Howard. Dwight Howard only wanted to play in certain cities and the leading offer on the table was a package built around Kris Humphries-Kardashian and Brook Lopez. So the Lakers didn't really need to start throwing Gasol and Bynum on the table in the trade talks until it was clear there were other serious offers out there which could top an offer of Bynum and Gasol. Bynum or Gasol individually topped the centerpiece of what any other team seemed to offer, so the Lakers didn't need to play anything perfectly. They just saw how desperate the Magic were and figured the price for Howard would decrease.

And as always with the Lakers, it worked out:

I've covered this before. It isn't just the Lakers that have things work out for them. Bill's very own Celtics often have trades work out for them, as do other NBA teams. Bill's bitterness towards the Lakers has caused him to be unable to distinguish between the truth and what he believes to be the truth.

If scientists could create basketball-playing robots from scratch and were asked to create someone to play with Pau Gasol, Kobe Bryant and Nash, basically, they would create Dwight Howard: a ridiculously strong shot blocker/rebounder who can run the floor and doesn't need the ball to be happy. In the span of 3.5 seconds, the Lakers went from "old, slow, can't defend anybody" to "who's stopping us?"

This brings me back to the other point I want to make. Bill has stated over, and over, and over, and over again the 2012 NBA Finals is the template upon which all NBA teams will now be built. He's said it repeatedly. He's stated the athleticism on display in that NBA Finals will be the standard upon which teams will have to meet in order to win an NBA Title. Apparently Bill was under the impression every NBA team needs their very own Durant, LeBron and Wade, because there are so many of those types of guys out there and all.

I said "was under the impression" because Bill changes his mind in this very column, without actually saying, "I'm an idiot who pretends to know more about the NBA then I probably do and stated the NBA was moving in a direction it certainly wasn't moving all because I overreacted to the makeup of the two teams in the 2012 NBA Finals." In fact, Bill claims his readers are the ones who thought the small-ball era was here, which is clearly false.

This brings me to my point. If the 2012 NBA Finals is the template on how teams can win an NBA Title then how can an NBA team with no athletic wing players and a natural center win the NBA Title and be unstoppable? The Lakers aren't athletic enough under Bill's "premature theory that every team needs to be super athletic because one time there was an NBA Finals with super athletic players," yet Bill seems them as an unstoppable team. Funny how that works.

LOSER: Brooklyn If Howard's inexplicable February flip-flop never happened, the Nets would have launched their new stadium with a Howard/Williams duo. Instead, they're headed for a series of second-round playoff exits with one of the least charismatic playoff contenders ever assembled. Will anyone care? Not really.

And apparently no charisma means no wins. I'm fairly certain if you told Bill Simmons that skill is what wins games for an NBA team, he would smack you in the face and call you wrong. Bill believes teams win games if they show attributes in the following order:

1. Give each other a lot of high-fives.
2. Ubuntu. Use it.
3. Appear to like each other.
4. Have charisma.
5. Look like they are having fun on the court.
6. Have a white guy on the bench who waves a towel.
...
192. Have players with a strong set of skills which causes those players to have talent at playing basketball.

I don't remember anyone complaining about LeBron stacking his Miami team, or choosing to play with his biggest rival over trying to beat him, when we were watching him lay waste to Oklahoma City. We only care about what's happening in the moment.

Really? Really? Really? There was no one saying LeBron stacked his Miami team or criticizing LeBron for choosing the Heat as he made his way to winning his first NBA Title? Bill should check ESPN sometime and find a guy named "Skip Bayless" on the television. Or read an article posted on this thing called "the Internet." There were plenty of people criticizing LeBron as he made his way to winning his first title. Perhaps Bill should read articles that are posted on the Internet sometime and he would find out his assumption is very much incorrect.

That's professional sports in the 21st century — once you reach a certain level of quality, you can walk all over whomever you want without any real repercussions. Remember the Bridesmaids scene when they were trying on wedding dresses and everyone came down with violent diarrhea? Howard was all five bridesmaids and Orlando's fans were the wedding dresses.

Then he shoehorns a pop culture reference in to remind everyone he is incapable of simply stating what he means, rather he has to compare Item X to Item Y in order to show his audience what Item X means. If Bill were a painter, he would paint a picture and then paint another picture in order to show what the first painting was supposed to show or mean.

In April, after the Lakers win 65 games and everyone is getting psyched for a Heat-Lakers Finals, nobody will care that Howard acted like such a big baby. We'll be busy with crap like ranking him against the other great Lakers centers of all time. That's just how sports works.

Don't do this "we" shit. I'll always remember Howard acted like a baby. Of all people, Bill Simmons won't EVER forget how Howard ended up with Lakers. He'll be talking about it in his columns for the next decade at a very minimum. Bill makes "6 for 24" jokes in his columns about Kobe Bryant and the Celtics lost that NBA Finals over two years ago. So for Bill to say "we" will forget about Howards pre-Lakers antics is not only wrong, but Bill is probably the person who will be the one doing the reminding.

I hate it when Bill uses this "we" shit. He acts like he's the Sports Guy, when we all know he isn't the Sports Guy. He isn't my buddy who talks about sports like me and is just like me. He's a wealthy, pop-culture spewing, self-involved fan of Boston sports who managed to get a job with ESPN and has done very well for himself. He isn't like me and my friends. He's like me and my friends if I hated my friends and their professional success caused them to become know-it-all jerks who name-drop anyone slightly famous they know.

WINNER: Steve Nash Went from playing with 11 bench guys on a lottery team to playing with Dwight Howard, Pau Gasol and Kobe Bryant on a title favorite. Remember SNL's "Orgasm Guy" sketches with Rob Schneider? I think that was Steve Nash this morning when he woke up and found out about this trade.

Remember that SNL skit about Debbie Downer? It's not at all related to what I am saying, but let's pretend it is for the sake of my pop culture reference.

Important note: Most human beings move to Los Angeles for what they assume will be a short period of time, feel like they're on vacation for a few months … and eventually, they come to grips with the fact that they're probably never leaving because it's 75 degrees every day and there are 10,000 things to do in Los Angeles.

It is an "important note" for Bill to remind us he loves where he lives. This is absolutely crucial to this trade. Because Dwight Howard can't afford a house in pretty much any city in the entire United States he wants to live in. So if he hated Los Angeles he would forced to live there and build a house, and only one house, in that city and in no other city. It's very important we know that everything Bill sees and does is great.

I am one of those people. Apparently, so is Dwight Howard.

The conclusion I immediately drew upon hearing this trade occurred was that Los Angeles must be a great place to live. I didn't think that Howard wanted to play with Nash and Kobe. Nor did I think Howard accepted the trade because the Lakers weren't giving up Gasol in the trade. No, I just thought of how great Los Angeles is and that must be why Howard agreed to play for the Lakers.

We'll never know this for sure, but I don't think he would have pushed for a Los Angeles trade if he hadn't lived there this summer. There has to be a connection.

No, there doesn't have to be a connection. These two events can be completely unrelated. The Lakers are one of 30 NBA teams and they have Kobe Bryant, Steve Nash and Pau Gasol on that team. Maybe Howard wanted to play there because he liked the Lakers team and the idea of playing for the Lakers franchise. I'm sure it was the city of Los Angeles which is the only reason Howard agreed to the trade. Howard hated the idea of playing with three All-Star players until he saw how awesome Rodeo Drive truly was.

Had I been running the Magic, there would have been a zero percent chance — repeat: zero percent chance — that I was trading Howard unless I was getting Bynum back AND dumping Turkoglu's contract.

Bill Simmons not-so-covertly applies for the job as Orlando Magic GM. If Bill was running the Magic no other NBA owner or GM would talk to him because he would constantly talk up trades and say shit like, "Who says 'no' to that offer?"

What Bill also fails to see, and I'm not defending the Magic here, is they didn't have a ton of options. Howard was unhappy and eventually he was going to have all the leverage. He could leave and the Magic would get nothing for him after the 12-13 season or he would be a distraction the entire year until he finally got traded during the season. I do think the Magic could have gotten more for him than they did, but once the summer ends and the Magic lose more leverage when Howard's free agency gets closer, I don't know if they could have gotten Bynum and dumped Turkoglu's contract.

Without those two things, I'm just keeping Howard, letting the soap opera drag on and on for a few more months, then hoping I could do better in February.

Yeah, "hoping" you could do better. There's a plan that screams "I am incredibly competent at my job."

And guess what? I'm pretty sure that, six months from now, Philly, Denver and the Lakers would all still want to do a four-team trade in which all of them made out great and the Magic made out like crap.

Would they? Bill has no way of knowing this. He is making assumptions only to help prove the point he wants to make. Maybe the Lakers don't want to trade Bynum in February. Maybe Bynum gets hurt this season and the Magic don't want to trade for him. Quite a few of Bill's brilliant ideas rely on assumptions, which he will only hope come true.

WINNER: Kendrick Perkins Remember when everyone was saying, "A year from now, OKC will just amnesty Perkins so they can pay Ibaka and Harden?" Not so fast! Getting rid of Howard's Personal Kryptonite when Howard is suddenly playing for your biggest conference rival isn't the best career move. (And you thought Miami's shift to small ball had rendered the Perkins Era obsolete … )

No! You thought the shift to small ball had rendered the Perkins Era obsolete. Your readers don't automatically believe every fucking thing you type. They don't believe the Ewing Theory is true, they don't believe you are qualified to be an NBA GM, they don't believe your daughter is truly magical and they don't believe there was a shift to small-ball in the NBA. Those are things that Bill Simmons believes, not his readers. I have been saying Bill's insistence that the NBA was moving to small-ball is bullshit and I am sure plenty of other people have thought the same thing. Bill Simmons thought the Perkins Era was obsolete, his readers just laughed at him.

(Except for the SimmonsClones though. Bill can do no wrong in their eyes. They are probably throwing their arms back and saying, "I certainly did think the Perkins Era was over. Boy, I'm stupid. I'm glad Bill is around to correct my own misconceptions.")

LOSER: The Rockets After getting demolished by The Veto, they spent the last nine months gathering enough assets to land Howard or Bynum and hoping for a situation exactly like the one that played out this week: you know, Orlando finally panicking and needing a third team for their mega-trade. What happened? Philly and Denver snuck in there, leaving Houston GM Daryl Morey with the permanent McKayla's Not Impressed Face.

So let's kill Daryl Morey for believing that Howard is going to go to Houston over Los Angeles or New York. Let's do it. Because quite frankly if the Suns sold all of their assets to get Bynum or Howard, Bill would be pointing out no one wants to play in Phoenix when they can play in a sexier NBA city. So Bill will kill Morey for thinking Howard wanted to play in Houston, right? I mean, Houston wasn't even Howard's first choice in the state of Texas. That was Dallas. Bill has to kill Daryl Morey for believing Howard wanted to play for the Rockets.

So, can you kill Morey for how it played out? Not for going all-in for a chance at Bynum or Howard, that's for sure.

We can't forget that Daryl Morey is Bill Simmons' friend. Friends of Bill get a pass and receive no criticism from Bill. Of course when the Indiana Pacers clear cap room in seven years to get a shot at signing Anthony Davis, Bill is going to be mocking them for actually believing Davis will play in Indiana over another sexier city. So yes, you can kill Daryl Morey. It is somewhat justified.

He wanted to be on the board if those two chess pieces ever moved … and by the way, they moved. He just didn't get them. But if you wanted to kill the Rockets for (a) turning Goran Dragic into Jeremy Lin, (b) recklessly amnestying Luis Scola when they didn't have to do so, and (c) caring so much about cap space that they amnestied Scola during the same month that they shelled out $25 million to Omer Asik … I mean … (let's just move on).

Even when Bill knocks the Rockets for their offseason moves, he does so passive-aggressively. Howard wasn't coming to the Rockets, and mostly Howard wasn't re-signing with the Rockets, as long as the Nets or Lakers were in play. Bill needs to be real about this. Andrew Bynum? Maybe, but I don't know if Andrew Bynum is the type of player a team should clear all cap space in order to acquire. He's talented, but there are a lot of "buts" that go along with him.

Fear No. 2: They're building around two of the league's moodiest and most enigmatic players (Bynum and Turner). That one worries me. You can get away with one enigma (see: Rondo, Rajon), but if you have two, suddenly there's a risk that they'll be hanging out and enabling each other's moodiness OR trying to out-enigma each other.

So does this mean the Lakers could be in trouble because they are building around Howard and Kobe, with a little side of Ron Artest thrown in? Of course not! Bill's theories only apply when he wants or needs them to apply.

The Laker fans love their team, but they also live near the Pacific Ocean in a place that's 75 degrees every day. Tends to keep everything in perspective.

Again, Bill wants to emphasize that Los Angeles is a great place to live. He can not overstate or talk about this enough.

The two craziest, most overreactionary, life-or-death sports cities in America are probably Philly and Boston — because of their cold weather, because of their provincialism, because of their respective tortured histories,

I'd love to hear about this tortured history of Boston teams again. Five Super Bowls since 2001 for the Patriots, 17 championships for the Celtics, two World Series wins in the last decade for the Red Sox...just based solely on the Bruins and the Celtics alone Boston fans haven't ever been tortured, no matter how much Bill continues to further this false narrative. The Bruins were successful for a good period of time and the Celtics have more championships than any other NBA team. How can Bill say Boston is tortured with a straight face?

LOSERS: Miami, Oklahoma City So much for the small-ball era. This is going to be verrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrry interesting.

There never was a small-ball era. Bill Simmons made this era up and now he is pretending like there was an era where small ball was played, rather than there being one NBA Finals where small-ball was played one time between two NBA teams.

TO BE DETERMINED: Kobe Bryant Guess who has a chance to pass MJ's six rings now?

Guess who suddenly has a legitimate chance to go down as the best Laker ever?

Guess who basically won the lottery by ending up with Shaq and Howard in the same career?

You are supposed to not give the answer until after you ask the questions, not tell the answer and then ask the questions after you have identified who the answer to the questions are.

The Lakers nailed six franchise-altering moves over the past eight years, and that's not including last month's Nash trade, when they somehow convinced a Pacific Division rival that absolutely hates them to hand over their most iconic player for some meaningless picks and cap space.

Here are the franchise-altering moves. Really it can be summed up in four moves, but Bill makes the last move not to trade Bynum or Gasol into it's very own moves in order to convince us he has a really, really good point.

Picking Kobe over Shaq in 2004.

Kobe was the best player in the NBA at the time. This wasn't the most difficult of decisions, even at the time. Kobe was younger too.

Keeping Kobe in 2007 when just about everyone else would have panic-traded him.

Again, you don't just trade one of the best players in the NBA simply because he doesn't like the makeup of the team.

Stealing Gasol from Memphis in 2008.

As opposed to the fair deal the Sonics got for Ray Allen of course.

Making a 2011 deal for Chris Paul that, in retrospect, would have been a hijacking if it hadn't been vetoed. Not panicking after the CP3 trade fell through and keeping Bynum and Gasol over blowing things up. And now, waiting out this Howard saga until they got exactly the trade they wanted.

This should all be one move. The deal got vetoed so the Lakers didn't panic and got the trade they wanted.

(By the way, I think I'm just going to stay in London. I don't want to come home.

Feel free to stay there.

3 comments Why Chat If You Won't Answer the Questions?

Dick Vitale, who as I have mentioned 100 times before seems like a really nice guy, is still chatting every Thursday at 11am with ESPN.com readers. I feel like Vitale is a lot of what I find wrong with modern sports announcing. The game tends to become more about him and the off-topic stories he tells during the telecast than it is up about the actual game he is supposed to be working. In regard to his ESPN.com chats, I expect more than the answers he gives to some of the questions in his chat. What good is experience calling basketball games if you don't use that experience to provide insight and instead choose to go off-topic about yourself or on to another topic? It's frustrating sometimes.

Concerning another person that frustrates me...Jon Gruden was just voted the NFL players favorite announcer. Well naturally, because he rarely has anything negative to say about a player and seems to avoid offending any player or team that may want to hire him in the future. It frustrates me. Gruden has shown himself to be a fairly competent analyst, I wish Gruden would be a little more critical of players or teams.

On to Dick Vitale not answering the questions he is asked...which I thought was the entire point of hosting a chat.

Dick Vitale: I'm happy to be back with you this morning for this chat...Happy holidays to everyone out there...Just got back from the City of Palms annual HS tournament. Spoke to the crowd before the game and that was a thrill.

This answers the pressing question I had about who spoke to the crowd before the City of Palms annual high school tournament.

Mike (Idianapolis)

Are you surprised with the Indiana Hoosiers start this season and how far do you see this team going?

Mike should know better than to ask two questions. It's hard enough for Vitale to answer one question, much less two.

DV: I am not surprised at all.

Vitale is not surprised at all that the Hoosiers have started off the season 12-0 (at the time of this chat). Except Vitale is a little surprised we will find out. But other than being a little surprised, he isn't surprised at all.

Great win over Kentucky...other than that, they beat everyone they should, with maybe NC State being the lone exception.

I'm confused now. So Vitale isn't surprised the Hoosiers are undefeated, but he says they possibly should not have beaten an unranked NC State team. So maybe he is a little bit surprised at Indiana's start.

I was a little surprised with the win over Kentucky.

So the whole "not surprised at all" thing was pretty much a lie then.

(Dan Shulman) "Dickie V, it appears Russian terrorists have taken 20,000 hostages at the Missouri-Texas basketball game and are demanding the immediate destruction of France by the United States military or they will detonate a nuclear weapon in a major US city. Does this surprise you?"

(Dick Vitale) "Not really Dan. Russian terrorists are pretty unforgiving people. The execution of the plan, the fact they have taken hostages and have the capability to destroy a major US city does surprise me a little."

(Dan Shulman) "So, you are not surprised this has happened then? You anticipated this could happen?"

(Dick Vitale) "I'm not surprised at all. Let me tell you about a 5 minute story about this specific event I attended two days ago that has nothing to do with our present discussion."

They have to sustain it by finishing in the upper echelon of the Big Ten and earn that NCAA tourney bid.

So Vitale thinks Indiana will have to continue to play the rest of their games to make the NCAA Tournament. Alas, we are left to guess how far he sees them going in the NCAA Tournament.

Scott (San Antonio)

You got some SUPER-SOPHS this season, Perry Jones III, Jared Sullinger, Harrison Barnes, and Jeremy Lamb. Who means the most to their team? And who's cutting down the nets in March?

DV: They all do.

This is an impossibility. When given a list of players and asked to name which one means the most to their team, it is impossible for them all to mean the most to their team. Pick one. There is no point in chatting if you don't answer the questions asked.

If you took away any of them, it would hurt the goal of winning the national championship, which is the goal of all four teams.

If you took away the best player on any NCAA team it would hurt that team's goal of winning the national championship. This doesn't mean much, so Vitale needs to make a choice. I wonder if Dick Vitale does this type thing in other areas of his life...

(Dick Vitale's wife) "Honey, what do you want for dinner tonight? I can cook spaghetti, chicken, leftover turkey, order a pizza, or we can just have sandwiches."

(Dick Vitale) "Let me tell you about this guy I spoke with at the store today. He told me---"

(Vitale's wife) "Focus, please. Which of those foods would you like the most for dinner tonight?"

(Vitale) "All of them."

(Vitale's wife) "You want me to cook spaghetti, make chicken, heat up leftover turkey, order a pizza and then make us sandwiches for dinner?"

(Vitale) "If you made any of those options for dinner, I would like them. So it is impossible for me to choose and I refuse to. Let me tell you about the guy I met at the store (25 minutes later)...but he was just a great guy, and let me tell you, he has to be one of the nicest guys I've ever met."

(Vitale's wife) "Dinner. What among those choices do you want?"

(Vitale) "All of them. They all sound good."

(Vitale's wife orders out Chinese food)

Owen (Milwaukee)

Dick:What is your take on Marquette's loss to LSU? Is this a bad loss or an expected hick-up in a long season? Will this affect them in March seeding?

DV: Obviously it is tought o sustain the unblemished record. Turner was hot and LSU needed as win badly. This may help ge Marquette to refocus. Johnson-Odom was suspended the game before and it may have affected chemistry.

Great. It appears Vitale had a seizure on the keyboard, but he still managed to not answer the question. So how will this affect Marquette in March seeding?

That said, I want to add that the court down at LSU should be named after Dale Brown.

That's just great. I like how Vitale not only doesn't answer questions he is asked, but he manages to go off on topics no one asks or cares about. Brilliant.

Alex (Louisville)

Hey Dick! My cards sure did struggle against C of Cha, in your mind, are they a top 5 team?

DV: Right now they have earned that right. We will see whent hey face Georgetown and Kentucky. That is the type of game that will show if they are top 5. I disagree with you on the Charleston game, that is not cupcake city as Bobby Cremins has a very talented team.

No, College of Charleston isn't a cupcake team, but a Top 5 team should not struggle with College of Charleston at home.

Injuries to Blackshear and Marra have hurt too.

Let's add them to the "most important player" list with Barnes, Jones, Sullinger, and Lamb then.

Terry (Nashville)

Could it be the best team in the state of Tennessee is not Memphis, Vanderbilt or Tennessee but maybe Middle Tennessee State, baby! How about some love for the Blue Raiders!

DV: You can make that claim.

You could also make the claim humans are really the descendants of Xenu but that doesn't make it true nor a valid, fact-based claim.

Right now you could say Middle Tennessee State is up there and Kermit Davis' team just beat Mississippi. They beat UCLA out west too. In the end, I think it will be Memphis.

Memphis was the right answer. I'm glad we finally got there.

Jason (Ellicott City, MD)

Buy or sell Georgetown? Do they beat Memphis again tonight?

Again, two questions. Good luck getting one answered. Two questions? You are just pressing your luck. No whammies!

DV: The next few games will tell us more about the Hoyas.

Do you know what will tell us the most about the Hoyas? If Vitale could answer this question after the season is over. But, the question was asked as of right now, so why not answer it as of now rather than defer the answer? If you get paid to analyze and know college basketball, this should be an easy, opinion-based answer.

The rematch with Memphis and then the game against Louisville will tell us a lot.

How about you tell Jason from Maryland a lot right now, like if you think Georgetown can beat Memphis again? It defeats the purpose of a chat if you defer the answer to a question until after the game referred to in the question is played.

Dre Michigan [via mobile]

Is this the best Syracuse team since 03? An can they cut down the nets I'm march?

DV: This team should be number one right now but there are a lot of challenges ahead in the Big East.

Does ESPN tell their employees to not directly answer questions in a chat? This is the same kind of answer Joe Morgan would give in his chats (R.I.P. Joe Morgan ESPN.com chats).

This is a very good team and I had them in the top five in the preseason, so I am not surprised with the good start.

Unfortunately this response doesn't make sense when knowing the question asked. I can't help but wonder if Vitale is finally getting around to answering the question about whether he is surprised with Indiana's start. Actually, I shouldn't wonder this. The odds of Vitale actually paying attention to what he is doing during this chat is not very high. He is probably telling the moderator a 15 minute story about a dinner he had with Jamie Dixon two years ago and has no idea what question he was asked. He just saw Syracuse in the question and just started rambling out an answer.

Ryan (Albuquerque)

What do you think of the Ohio Bobcats win on Tuesday? they are 10-1 with only dropping a tight game to Louisville, is this team for real?

DV: John Groce has done a really good job there. Ohio almost beat Louisville in that game as it was a real defensive dogfight. The MAC has some quality teams and the Bobcats should be up there.

Yes, Ryan from Albuquerque mentioned in the question that the game against Louisville was a tight game. He probably would like an answer as to whether Ohio is for real or not.

joe (new jersey)

hey dickie v....Is seton hall for real this year? can they actually make the dance?

DV: I salute my alma mater. I was really thrilled earlier this season when I was honored won in Patterson, New Jersey and coach Kevin Willard presented me with a chair from the Pirates bench.

"Me, me, me. Let me tell you about me before I answer the question with a general, non-specific answer that will provide the questioner with zero information, while also offending no one. Me, me, me."

Herb Pope is experienced and a factor up front. The win over Dayton was a good one. I think the Hall could surprise some people in the Big East and finish above their preseason ranking in the conference.

Who cares whether Seton Hall can make the NCAA Tournament or not. They gave Dick Vitale a chair from the bench! That's all he cares about.

Jon (Victor, NY)

Any under-the-radar teams we should watch going into conference play? KSU strikes my eye, as does UVA and LSU.

DV: We will find out which teams are contenders and which are pretenders.

But Jon from Victor, New York wants to know NOW which teams are contenders and pretenders. Considering you get paid to be a college basketball analyst, I don't think this is a request that should be a terrible hardship upon your brain. There's no point in chatting or even getting paid to be an expert if the answers to questions only end up being, "We will find out later the answer to your question." Of course we'll find out later. We'll find out all the answers we want to know about college basketball after the season is over. Unfortunately, Vitale gets paid to be a college basketball analyst who should be able to provide answers right now to questions such as this.

Naturally, in grand ESPN fashion, their top college basketball analyst refuses to answer the question of which college basketball teams are contenders and pretenders.

Happy holidays to all of the fans out there. Ireally enjoy spending time with you doing these chats. I hope that Santa brings you all of the gifts you want.

What if the gift I want is for you to tell me who the college teams that are contenders and pretenders? So I guess I'm just screwed.

3 comments I'll Take "Initial Overreactions by Ian O' Connor" for $500, Alex

One of the things that irritates me the most about the preseason are the overreactions by many to what happens in the preseason. Sure, there are things that happen in the preseason that mean something, but then other things that happen don't mean anything at all. Ian O' Connor thinks the New York Giants may have made a mistake in not re-signing Plaxico Burress and allowing him to go to their Division riva---I mean confere---umm...New York city rival, the New York Jets. In the process of overreacting, Ian is also able to effectively pinpoint exactly whose fault it is that Burress didn't come back to the Giants. Clearly it is Eli Manning who is at fault. O' Connor decides, based on Burress' 3 catch 66 yard performance against the powerhouse team of the Cincinnati Bengals, the Giants made a colossal free agent mistake.

Somewhere Eli Manning was watching and wondering if he should have hit the recruiting trail after all. The star he refused to court, Plaxico Burress, was playing in the New Meadowlands Stadium like he played in the Old Meadowlands Stadium,

No one will say Plaxico Burress doesn't have a good chance of coming back and having a strong season, but what does it tell Manning's current group of young receivers if Manning wants Burress back on the team and publicly says he thinks the Giants should top the $3 million guaranteed the Jets offered Burress? That's a fairly strong vote of non-confidence. Regardless, I also doubt Manning was watching this game. He probably had better things to do than watch a preseason game between two AFC teams.

and suggesting for the first time that Eli and friends made a colossal free-agent mistake.

Dammit Eli! As the General Manager of the Giants you should worked harder to sign Plaxico Burress. Didn't you see his diving catch in an exhibition game a couple nights ago? It was a similar route that Burress ran in the Super Bowl three years ago, which immediately caused ESPN's New York-based writers to start foaming at the mouth and putting their ballot in for Burress on the All-Pro team.

"I've never had a target like him," Mark Sanchez said.

To be fair, Burress is replacing Braylon Edwards. So Sanchez hasn't ever had a tall receiver who has managed to catch a pass thrown his way 60% of the time. This shouldn't be a huge threshold to top.

Burress was good for three receptions and 66 yards in a steady rain Sunday night, notarizing his return to the NFL with a 26-yard touchdown catch on a Sanchez lob ripped straight from the Eli Manning playbook.

This was a great catch but O’ Connor needs some perspective. This was a great catch in a preseason game against (potentially) the second-worst team in the NFL, while being defended by Fred Bennett, who is either 3^rd or 4^th on the Bengals depth chart right now. It’s not like he burned Nnamdi Asomugha or anything like that. Perspective. That’s all we need before talking about how the Giants will rue the day they did not sign Plaxico Burress to a contract after he went free from prison.

Burress shared all of three practices with Sanchez after injuring his ankle, and yet he picked up his quarterback's signal at the line.

I think it was even more simple than this…

(Mark Sanchez hand signals there is an attractive 17 year old girl in the stands he plans to sleep with after the game)

(Plaxico Burress hand signals Sanchez better be careful about that. He doesn’t want to end up in jail. Plaxico knows this from experience.)

(Mark Sanchez hand signals he’s probably right. Then Sanchez hand signals he sees Plaxico being guarded by what looks like a high school kid…then sees it is Fred Bennett. Hand signals Plaxico to go deep)

(Plaxico Burress misreads the hand signal and throws a gang sign back at Sanchez, reminding himself to show off the new shanking technique on Sanchez that he learned in prison. Then tired of hand signaling, he hand signals he will just run in a straight line and Sanchez should throw the ball to him because he is being defended by Fred Bennett)

(Mark Sanchez tries to throw the ball straight and deep. His throw is off and he ends up throwing a fade. After the touchdown he and Plaxico agree to say they had this planned all along. Plaxico is so excited he forgets about shanking Sanchez. Ian O’ Connor wets himself)

Burress used his long arms to push Bennett and create the space he needed to summon the memory of his Super Bowl-winning catch.

He summoned the memory of his Super Bowl catch if the Super Bowl catch was made against a 4^th string cornerback in an exhibition game in the rain against the second-worst team in the NFL.

It required a crash-landing in a steady rain, with Burress forced to throw his head straight back over his shoulders to track the descent of the pass.

It was a great catch. It was a great catch in an exhibition game against many of the Bengals backups…and the Bengals backups are another team’s backups to the backups. It was a good catch, but in the long run it doesn’t mean a heck of a lot.

The greatest catch I have ever seen during an NFL game was made by Walter Young. Who? Exactly. It was made in the back of the end zone in an exhibition game. Walter Young went on to do……………………something I am sure.

On a side note: I would normally say the greatest catch I have ever seen in person was Steve Smith catching a touchdown pass against Dallas in the 2003 NFC Divisional Round because I was at that game, but I didn’t actually see that catch because I was buying beer for all of my friends because “halftime is like 30 minutes long in a playoff game.” Quick note to those who believe this: It’s not true. I’m still not over this.

We know why he's not still there, playing with the lead tenants of this building. On a November night on the town in 2008, Burress made the mistake of packing an unlicensed and loaded gun, rather than a licensed and unloaded gun. He accidentally shot himself in the leg, ultimately costing himself his freedom and costing the Giants a chance to win a second consecutive title.

I guess this injury cost the Giants a chance to win a second consecutive title. They were a pretty good team up until Plaxico left. This is a somewhat presumptive statement though.

The franchise and franchise quarterback haven't been the same since.

Manning had the best year of his career in 2009 without Burress on the roster. So this isn’t entirely true that Manning hasn't been the same since Burress left.

The Giants went 10-6 in 2010, which is the same record they had in 2007 with Burress when they won the Super Bowl. They just happened to not make the playoffs in 2010 while they did in 2007. So it is not like they have fallen off the map.

And yet Manning refused to campaign for Plax The Sequel the way Ben Roethlisberger did in Pittsburgh. Eli said he didn't want to deliver a vote of no confidence to his current receivers, and didn't want to call for Burress' hiring when other Giants free agents remained unsigned,

Which is actually somewhat logical for Manning to believe. It is simply a matter of preference. Burress may have improved the Giants receivers, but Manning didn’t want to advocate for Burress because he wanted his young receivers to know he trusted them to get the job done. I’m not sure three catches in an exhibition game will prove this is a bad idea. Giving confidence to the young receivers could very well help the Giants more in the long run than having Burress signed to a one-year deal.

but surely there was more to it than that.

Even if it would help Ian O’ Connor get a good story out of this, there’s probably not a whole lot more to it than that.

Manning has his pride; he showed it when he didn't aw-shucks his way through those questions about elite quarterbacks and Tom Brady's rarefied air. Eli wouldn't mind winning big without Burress, if only to dispel the notion that he can't.

I find it difficult to believe there are people who think Eli Manning is driven to win a Super Bowl title without Plaxico Burress. Really? You think that drives him? Why isn’t he motivated to win one without Michael Strahan or Derrick Ward? I bet Manning just wants to win a Super Bowl to shove it in David Tyree's face he can do it without him.

This is silly to think Eli Manning doesn't want Plaxico on the Giants team in order to show he can win a Super Bowl without him. Eli Manning wants to win a Super Bowl again. To indicate he wants to win one without Plaxico Burress, and that’s why he didn’t campaign for him to join the team, is just not true.

After playing so fast and loose with Tom Coughlin's rules, Burress called it a "privilege" to be employed in the NFL and promised to run routes with a smile on his face. Prison will do that to you.

Playing under Tom Couglin probably better prepared Burress for prison.

After his first winning performance as a Jet, the receiver promised, "It's just the tip of the iceberg."

On the first play of the Jets' first series, Sanchez decided to break the ice.

These two sentences just made baby Jesus cry. Good job Ian O’ Connor! You’ve written so poorly you are making children cry now.

He ran a play-action fake and looked downfield to his right, where Burress was finishing a curl route. Sanchez fired it into Burress' breadbasket for a 20-yard gain, and then the receiver rose from the field to do a slow strut in celebration of himself.

I don’t know why the Giants didn’t want a receiver who would catch one touchdown pass in an exhibition game and then immediately do a celebration of himself.

But nothing could touch the touchdown, which Burress punctuated with a couple of bows to the crowd.

Think there is a little bit of an overreaction to the touchdown in an exhibition game. We all love a comeback story and Burress made a great catch. Let’s not throw egg on the Giants' face quite yet and see how the rest of the year plays out.

(How about the other teams that didn’t sign Burress? It isn’t like these teams didn’t know what kind of player Burress used to be. Why do they get off easy? Because they aren’t teams from New York and that is O’ Connor’s coverage area for ESPN? If Burress plays well it isn't only the Giants who possibly made a mistake by not signing Burress)

"There's not animosity toward them," Burress maintained. "They haven't done anything to me."

Except give Plax a chance to make them regret saving three million bucks.

Which is really what three catches, one of them spectacular, can do in a preseason game apparently. Isn't this overreacting just a little?

Based on one preseason game it looks like he would have been a nice addition. The Giants, and I think someone needs to tell Ian O’ Connor that Eli Manning is not the General Manager of the Giants, wanted to let guys like Victor Cruz and Ramses Barden get significant playing time this year rather than sign Burress to a one-year deal. It may be a bad move, but one preseason game doesn’t give the answer one way or another. No matter how much O’ Connor wants it to so he can turn the Burress comeback story into a larger story than it has already become.

2 comments Joe Morgan Wonders Why Everyone Loves Pennant Races So Much

I looked at Joe Morgan's weekly chat this week and laughed at the fact it is pretty much just JoeBait questions and very few real answers. Joe gives the same non-answers this week to the questions posed and tells us it is too early to really know anything, though there is less than a month left in the season. I know some of the questions that seem like JoeBait probably aren't, but those questions make it hard sometimes for Joe to say something new that is not well thought out and potentially wrong. He ends up answering our favorite questions over and over again. Such is the life of a Joe Morgan ESPN chat. I blame Fire Joe Morgan for being too good at covering his chats.

This week Joe gives non-answers to all important queries and informs us all he still doesn't know which teams will win each division. There's no way of knowing dammit! The world's greatest scientists can't figure it out, so please stop asking him to make predictions about what may happen in the future...but he does know Manny will do great in Chicago, young players can't help teams in a pennant race, and Aroldis Chapman is the real deal. He feels very confident about predicting these things. It's a shorter chat this week, an entire 23 minutes worth.

JM: How about them Reds? They lost three straight games to the Cardinals to fall out of first place about three weeks ago and now they're up by 7 games.

This is how we know we are getting Imposter Joe Morgan this week. The real Joe Morgan forces the Buzzmaster to drag his ass in from somewhere to get the chat started. The Buzzmaster usually starts off by saying something like,

"We are getting Joe. He's stuck on a swamp wrestling alligators to pay back a debt he owes a local fisherman."

This chat was started at 11:07am on Tuesday, so there is a good chance we are getting someone who does a great impression of Joe Morgan. That impression includes not answering the question posed and saying it is too early to tell when asked anything that requires a long answer.

Also, it's interesting because the Reds lost four straight games to the Phillies just before the all-star break but they've bounced back to get into first place.

That is not interesting because I am pretty sure there have been teams who have been swept in a series and still bounced back. I know there are no great teams anymore and all of the great teams in the past never got swept and then won their division by 35 games while simultaneously winning the Japanese World Series as well, but things are different now. Great teams still have to play other good teams in modern times.

Tito (Brooklyn)

Do you think CC Sabathia is the frontrunner for the AL CY Young award right now?

JM: I've always said that but everyone seems to think that his numbers don't matter because he pitches for the Yankees.

Joe has ALWAYS said that CC Sabathia is the frontrunner for the 2010 AL Cy Young award. In early 1980, he and Pete Rose were talking about the future of baseball and Joe Morgan said,

"You know what Pete-y Boy? I think CC Sabathia is the front runner for the 2010 AL Cy Young Award. It's his to lose."

Pete Rose then went to the track and lost $50,000 betting on donkey races and only had $5,000 leftover so he placed a bet that CC Sabathia would be the winner of the 2010 Cy Young Award. Joe Morgan wants Sabathia to win so he can see Pete Rose succeed.

All CC has done is continue to win, while others were talking about Cliff Lee being the best pitcher in the AL.

If I were an English teacher, I would write in big red ink, "please cite sources" for this statement.

Right now we have many different ways to look at how a pitcher is performing, but the name of the game is to win.

A pitcher who has pitched 8 innings and given up 1 run has done his job well regardless of whether his team scored 1 or 10 runs for him. The name of the team game is to win. The name of the game when it comes to pitching is to pitch well enough as to allow as few runs as possible.

But there's something about the Yankees that people don't want to give him credit for. I'm amazed that Mark Teixiera and Jeter did not get a first place vote for MVP last year.

So Joe is amazed that Mark Teixiera AND Derek Jeter weren't both the most valuable player of the Yankees team? It's okay to name one Yankee, but I am not sure if it makes sense to be think two players on one team deserve a first place vote. Joe thinks both players were the MVP of the Yankees last year.

I can see how Joe would have the opinion one of these players were the MVP of the Yankees, but how is he of the opinion two of the same players on the same team should have gotten first place votes? Can't he just pick between Jeter and Tex that he thought was the MVP of the 2009 Yankees?

Connor (Philadelphia)

What is your opinion on the batting woes of the Phillies. Is this something you feel they can come out of any time soon, and can they make the playoffs if it continues?

JM: They are definitely an offensive led team. They do not have four great starters nor a great bullpen.

Because most teams have four great starters and a great bullpen. If you don't have that, you are just an offensive team to Joe. Offensive teams normally are terrible...unless they have Ryan Howard of course. The man who has singlehandedly carried the Phillies to the World Series every year, with no help, all by himself.

If their offense continues to struggle, then no they won't make the playoffs. But I expect Ryan Howard to do what they've done and lead the team in September to another championship.

(Joe stares longingly at the signed framed picture he has of Ryan Howard and him)

We heard it hear first! Joe Morgan just said he expects the Phillies to win the World Series if the offense doesn't struggle (who knows what that means). This counts as a prediction in my book.

Pete (NC)

Starlin Castro has been amazing. Any chance he edges Posey for NL ROY?

JM: He came late on the scene, I think that puts him at a slight disadvantage.

I think Joe is talking about Buster Posey, though he could also be talking about Starlin Castro as well when Joe says "he."

I'm not going to give the award to Posey.

At least Joe is looking at this from an objective standpoint. Obviously a rookie who doesn't play the full year in the majors, yet still is the best rookie in the league that year, can't EVER be the Rookie of the Year because...(can't find a reason this statement would be true)

I'm still a Jason Heyward fan. He got the Braves off to a great start and kept them in the pennant race.

I'm a Jason Heyward fan too! He's not the NL Rookie of the Year though, simply because I like to watch him play.

It's close, but I think Buster Posey has to be that guy because he gave the Giants a lift as well. If the season ended today, I would probably vote for Posey over Heyward, though I know this is very arguable. Actually, I would probably throw Jaime Garcia in the discussion as well, but if Joe said Garcia deserved to win the NL Rookie of the Year then he would be saying Garcia is better than Mike Leake and Leake plays for the Reds so Joe can't say that.

If I were voting right now, it would be Heyward, Posey and then Castro. But I have no problem with people thinking Posey would be No. 1.

People can think Posey would be No. 1, but Joe isn't giving the award to him. If Posey wins the NL Rookie of the Year, Joe will storm the stage and not allow Posey to be handed the award. Buster Posey will not win the award on Joe Morgan's watch, but people can still think he is the best rookie in the National League...just don't vote that way.

Jason (ATL)

It's September 1st. The Braves hold a 3 game lead in the NL East. Do they keep it?

It is 11:14am in Joe's chat and we have had four questions answered.

JM: I think they can keep it, if the Phillies' bats don't come alive.

BUT IF THE PHILLIES BATS COME ALIVE, THE WORLD SERIES IS THEIRS FOR THE TAKING!

If they do, I think they can win because the Braves bats aren't as consistent.

The Braves' bats aren't consistent unlike the Phillies bats which haven't been consistent either. That's a good point Joe. Didn't Joe just say the Phillies bats have been struggling, so wouldn't that make them inconsistent (in terms of Joe's use of the word, which is completely different from the actual meaning of the word "consistent.")?

So neither team has had consistent bats. The NL East race all relies on consistency and which team hits the ball better down the stretch. Well, that and whether Chipper Jones, Jose Reyes or Jimmy Rollins gets healthier first (references old JoeChat no one remembers).

But they've held on this long, so there's nothing that says they can't hold on another month.

There is something that says the Braves can't hold on another month. Ryan Howard and hotness of the Phillies bats. That's exactly what Joe Morgan has said...twice...in this chat.

ish (NYC)

Joe, ready to pronounce the Red Sox done? Eight games and two teams in a month? Can't be done, right?

JM: First, the Red Sox have the best rotation of the teams, if they pitch to their potential.

Which Joe doesn't think the Red Sox rotation has done, so therefore they don't have the best rotation of "the teams."

They have to have Beckett pitch as he did in the past and Lackey as he did when he was the Angels' aces. If that happens, it's not over yet.

(Entire Red Sox team jumps into a DeLorean and attempts to use the dials to jump back in the past. They quickly realize this isn't possible and then go take batting practice to prepare for tonight's game)

Their chances are slim, but it's not over. The Yankees' starting rotation, other than Sabathia and Hughes, is struggling.

The Yankees don't have four great pitchers and a great bullpen. Their chances for winning are now fucked! They are an offensive team now!

Plus they've said they're going to cut down on Hughes' pitch count.

Joe loves to use "they," "he," and other pronouns so you don't know exactly who he is talking about. Are the Red Sox cutting down on Hughes' pitch count?

(Terry Francona calling Joe Girardi) "We are holding Hughes to 65 pitches tonight."

(Joe Girardi) "He's my pitcher, you can't do that. He is pitching as long as I say he is pitching tonight."

(Terry Francona) "Watch me. Just watch me."

(Later that night while the Yankees and Orioles are playing Terry Francona walks on the field and approaches the pitching mound and removes Hughes from the game in the fourth inning)

(Joe Morgan broadcasting the game) "Well Jon, they said they would have Hughes on a pitch count and it looks like they meant it."

(Jon Miller) "When you said 'they' I thought you meant the Yankees had Hughes on a pitch count, not another team. Why is Terry Francona removing Hughes from the game?"

(Joe Morgan) "It's too early to tell."

You can't count on young players coming up from the minor leagues to stand up in a tough pennant race.

This was an added-on statement that Joe Morgan just threw out there after the question about the Red Sox's chances to make the playoffs. This statement has nothing to do with Hughes since he isn't coming up from the minors and was a big part of the Yankees World Series team last year. I don't know where this statement came from at all.

I think Jacoby Ellsbury, Joba Chamberlain and a shit-ton of other minor leaguers who have impacted the pennant race and the playoffs would disagree with this statement. I was going to make a list of players coming up from the minors over the last ten years that affected a pennant race, but it would have been a pretty long list and I am lazy.

Conshy Matt (Philly)

Joe, is there still a lot of season left, or can we start to make pretty good guesses about who the division winners will be? Your picks?

Matt fully knows Joe can't answer this question and basically questions his manhood for not answering...so Joe responds by not answering the question.

JM: There is a long way to go.

This statement is the first cousin to "It's too early to tell."

I've seen the Phillies catch the Mets down the stretch. I've seen the Phillies lose big leads at time. There is still a lot of time left. And you don't have to be playing head to head, just look at the Cardinals and Reds. The Reds have picked up 8 games since the Cardinals sweep. It can definitely happen. Things can go wrong. Injuries to key players. A lot of things can go wrong between now and Oct. 3.

You know what, let's ask Joe on October 2nd who will win each division and maybe, just maybe, he will be able to make a pretty good guess at that point. Joe is absolutely right about all these things that can go wrong, but he was asked to make guesses, not put his opinion in stone and then seal it in a vault only to be opened on October 4th so he can publicly ridiculed.

Abe Frohman (Chicago (sausage king))

What kind of impact do see Manny providing to the South Side ...

JM: I see him providing a big impact. Manny, when motivated, is still a great run producer. He can get hot and carry a teamm for stretches at a time, as he did with the Dodgers a few years ago.

Joe thinks Manny Ramirez is still a great run producer and he can still carry a team JUST LIKE HE DID A FEW YEARS AGO. See a slight problem with this statement? Joe is saying Manny can still carry a team, then shows as proof what Manny did two years ago. That is not evidence that Manny can still carry a team. It is evidence he could carry a team at one point.

Matt (IN) [via mobile]

Well Joe, what's your verdict on the 1 inning by Chapman? He's got some heat, that's for sure.

JM: I saw more than one inning when I saw him in spring training. I saw him pitch in Columbus. I've always been impressed with him.

As long as someone asks Joe about how good a player in the Reds organization is I think he can answer the question well. It's when you ask him about a player on any of the other MLB teams that he starts spouting off nonsense about not having seen the player, so he can't speak to the question needing to be answered.

With the guys that come from Cuba, they've always pitched in big games and big series and so has Chapman.

Every single player from Cuba has pitched in big games and big series. Every. Single. One.

They're a little ahead of guys coming out of high school and college, so I expected him to be OK with the pressure. I was impressed that he came out and pitched strikes. He's the real deal.

My person opinion is I wonder how long he can pitch 102 mph and not have his arm fall off. I know it isn't that much faster than other pitchers pitch, but it just seems like he is bound to have arm problems at some point.

Steve (Middletown, CT)

Hey Joe the Reds in '75 and '76 didn't have a single player hit 30 home runs or a pitcher win 20 games. How were you guys so successful without much power and even fewer good pitchers?

Steve, don't fuck with the Reds. They are the greatest team ever to have played baseball. They are one of the last great teams. Don't try to bring up your newfangled "numbers" that show the Reds weren't one of the greatest teams. It's all witchcraft and sorcery to Joe.

Also, remember that Joe Morgan judges pitchers on how many wins they get. So a team that doesn't have a 20 game winner he would normally claim isn't a great team and doesn't have any great pitchers. At the very least he would say this is an "offensive team." Just keep this in mind that Joe thinks good pitchers have more wins and that's how he likes to judge players at that position. Also, keep in mind that Joe thinks pitchers today are on tighter pitch counts than they used to be.

First of all, it doesn't matter if you have 5 pitchers win 20 games or 10 pitchers win 10 games, either way it's 100 wins.

Yeah, so while Joe can judge a modern team for having a pitching staff that doesn't have four great starters and a great bullpen, back when there were great teams (when Joe played) this really didn't matter. The Reds were a great team without pitchers who had a bunch of wins, but now a team can't be great if they don't have great starting pitchers with a bunch of wins. Every starter for the Reds had double digit wins in 1976 and 1975. All six of them. Yes, six pitchers were starters for those Reds teams it appears.

But it's all about producing runs, moving runners along. We were a good offensive team. We had speed.

No, they literally had speed. Pete Rose would bring it in the clubhouse and they would take it before every game. If they couldn't get their hands on some speed, they would find a way to get some "greenies." Baseball was so much more pure back then when there were great teams.

I love how Joe's team full of Hall of Famers were just moving runners along and producing runs. It sounds like they were a bunch of do-gooders when they were very good baseball players.

We also were a great defensive team. We had four Gold Glove winners up the middle of the diamond.

This is true. I looked it up and tried to disprove this even using modern fielding statistics and failed.

And our pitching staff actually had a lower ERA than some of the Yankee teams that won the World Series, as well as our bullpen. But we were a great team and you don't measure a great team just by statistics.

Oh well, I didn't realize the Reds pitching was so great as compared to one other specific team that won the World Series in the 1970's. That changes my mind completely about anything negative I would say about the Reds' pitching staff. One interesting fact I found was that only two of the Reds pitchers during each of the 1975 and 1976 seasons pitched over 200 innings and it appears they used something close to a 6-man rotation.

There were six pitchers that made over 20 starts in 1976 and 5 pitchers that made over 20 starts in 1975. So, I do find it a bit interesting that Joe sometimes talks about how pitchers are on pitch counts now and things like that now, as if it is a bad thing. It seems like the pitchers on Joe's Reds teams got a little bit more rest or didn't have to pitch as often. I could be off on this, but that's the way it looks and I find this interesting.

Tito (Brooklyn)

Do you think Dusty Baker should win manager of the year?

Tito, the master of JoeBaiting.

JM: I think it's between Dusty Baker and Bud Black. I'm closer to Dusty, obviously, but I think Bud in San Diego has done a fabulous job as well.

I love it when Joe uses the word fabulous in his chats. I can picture him on the couch in a swank uptown condo wearing a blue scarf around his neck with white khakis and a pink knit shirt holding a martini with his legs crossed as he discusses this issue of manager of the year.

I think the edge should probably go to Bud Black. Besides, Dusty's already won a couple.

Which manager has won the least amount of Manager of the Year awards in the past should be the one to get the Manager of the Year...that sounds like the worst way to decide which manager deserves the award.

Why is it that Joe thinks Albert Pujols deserves the NL MVP every year because of how good he has been in the past, but Dusty Baker doesn't deserve the Manager of the Year award because he has won a few in the past? Isn't this contradictory?

Tito (Brooklyn)

Were you disappointed to hear about Strasburg's injury?

JM: Yes. I'm always disappointed to hear about any players injury. I know how hard it is to get to the big leagues and how hard it is to stay there. I know how difficult it is to watch your team play and you can't. Like everyone else, I saw Strasburg becoming a super, super star.

No one saw him become a super, super star. He made 12 starts in the majors this year and pitched well. He is not a super, super star...nor is he a superstar or a super-duper star. He was a great pitcher, but falls short of superstar status.

I find it interesting that everybody was wanting him to be on the Strasburg team

The Strasburg team? Is this like the A-Team, except led by Stephen Strasburg? I think personally if there is a team called the Strasburg team, naturally Stephen Strasburg should be on it. Here is how I see the Strasburg team breaking down:

Stephen Strasburg: He is the leader of team. He lays out the team's tactics and likes to dress in disguises to fool his opponents. He likes to chew tobacco and loves getting in bases loaded situations.

Buster Posey: He is the ladies man of the team. He likes to help lay out the groundwork for the team's plan. He plays catcher so he has plenty of time to look at the women in the crowd and when Strasburg has been pulled from the game, he is second-in-charge.

Jason Heyward: He seems like he is easily angered and is much bigger than anyone else, so he is able to intimidate others with his mere presence. Really, he is a nice person but others don't believe this. He doesn't like to fly, so he takes a bus to each game.

Mike Leake: He is a bit of a crazy person. He gets put in the bullpen frequently at the beginning of games, but always finds his way into the dugout to play tricks on his teammates. He talks to an imaginary enemy named "Dusty" who has done some harm to Leake's arm in the past.

and pushing him for rookie of the year, without giving him a chance to develop as a player.

Joe Morgan thinks that Stephen Strasburg turned into a super superstar, but doesn't deserve to be in the All-Star game. If he was a super, super star he deserved to be in the All-Star game.

Drew (Franklin Lakes, NJ)

How do you see Mike Rizzo handling the Nats, now that his star phenomen's arm is basically shot for his career?

JM: It's obvious they were making progress.

"Were" making progress? The Nationals ARE making progress. Jordan Zimmermann is coming back from Tommy John surgery and looks like he will be a quality starter with Strasburg when he makes it back. The Nationals have those two at the top of their rotation, they stole Wilson Ramos from Minnesota and of course if Bryce Harper in any way lives up to the hype he is going to be a good player.

I think that some people are getting too caught up in who's ahead in the pennant race at this moment.

Who cares about the pennant races right now in September? That's so boring to follow, especially considering it is the home stretch in a long summer race, so why would anyone care about the pennant races? I hate it when people get all caught up with which teams will make the playoffs. I wonder what else Joe thinks "people" should focus on?

Most of the races are still being contested where they're a shift daily. As far as the Reds in the Central, I don't think that's over either. There's still a long way to go. The teams that are trailing still have a shot.

That's the exciting part and why people get caught up in the pennant races...because they are so close. It's fun to try and predict who will win each division because they are close races. If they weren't close, no one would give a shit really, but interest is increased when the races are close and therefore people get caught up in them.

It will be interesting down the stretch as it has been the last few years.

So why get caught up in them then?

Buzzmaster: Thanks for chatting Joe!

It was 23 minutes of pure joy.