Saturday, June 13, 2009

5 comments Tim Kurkjian Has A Raging Boner For Short People

While I was going to take the weekend off and do some striper fishing in Newport tonight, I came across http://http//sports.espn.go.com/mlb/columns/story?columnist=kurkjian_tim&id=4251819 this article from Kurkjian (how do you make the link a word? For instance I was going to put the link as "This") I dont know what it is, but why cant people accept that short people can play sports, too? Is it really that amazing that someone a little shorter can play baseball? On a side note: Its been a while but, I swear to god if I ever hear another person compare Dustin Pedroia to David Eckstein they are going to get mushroom stamped by me personally. Alright, now that I got that out of my system, lets dig into this shiznit.

I am 5-foot-5. This is relevant for one reason: On Wednesday, I stood next to Danny Herrera. He is 1 inch taller than I. And he is a good relief pitcher for the Cincinnati Reds.

How is this relevant? Is Timmy K a good relief pitcher for another organization? Oh, its because hes short. WHO THE FUCK CARES? If you havent noticed already, I'm going to give FJM'ing this bitch a crack. I'm doing this off the top of my head because its almost dark and the stripers are about to come out to feed, so this might be a little half assed. Its saturday, though, at least I'm trying, am I right?

Herrera is the shortest major league pitcher -- according to listings, which aren't always accurate -- since 5-6 Bobby Shantz, who retired after the 1964 season with 119 victories and an American League Most Valuable Player award in 1952. Herrera, 24, is no Shantz, but as a left-handed specialist, he has a 1.96 ERA with 18 strikeouts in 23 innings


So.........hes a LOOGY. Timmy K is devoting an entire column to a LOOGY. For reals? Is it really that serious? So why doesnt he devote colums to Javy Lopez, Mike Meyers, Jimmy Gobble, and all the other LOOGY's out there? Oh yeah, because they're not short. Anyways, moving on.

"The first time I saw him was last year during the week of the Kentucky Derby, and we figured he would have to leave the team that Saturday to go ride one of the horses," said Nationals outfielder Adam Dunn, who was Herrera's teammate last season in Cincinnati. "I've never faced him. But I haven't faced anyone his size since I was 11 or 12 years old."

Let it be known that I have an unhealthy mancrush on Adam Dunn. No homo but, I could watch videos of that dude hit 500 ft. blasts all day. But cmon adam. Really? Horse Jockey and Little League jokes? Raise your hand if you saw that Kentucky derby wisecrack coming from a mile away (raising hand) Stick to hitting bombs and playing shitty defense, Adam.

One of the great beauties of baseball is that the players come in all shapes and sizes more than in any other major sport. Even pitchers. Longtime player and manager Sparky Anderson once said, "There's nothing better than a big pitcher," but the game has had its share of short or small pitchers, including, among others, Clark Griffith, Shantz, Whitey Ford, Ron Guidry, John Franco, Billy Wagner, Mike Hampton, Tim Hudson, Tim Lincecum and Pedro Martinez. In his first year of pro ball, Martinez weighed 138 pounds and threw 93 mph. Legend has it that Steve Dalkowski, who never played in the major leagues, was the hardest thrower ever. He was 5-9.

Okay, now Timmeh is confusing short with skinny. Now look at the first fucking name he links to on the list he throws out. Billy. Wagner*. Upon clicking on the link, you are taken to Billys player page. When you view it, you will see that he is 5-11 203lbs. That is neither short, nor skinny. What is the cutoff point for short? 6ft? I'm 5-10 and I dont feel that short. Mike Hampton is 5-9 195lbs. That seems like a normal sized dude to me. Time Hudson is 6-1 170lbs. That might be a little skinny, but he sure as fuck isnt short.

*Interesting Wagner tidbit. Billy is a natural righty, but for some strange reason he decided to throw lefty and found out he could throw it fast as fuck. Could you imagine if one day you decided to give throwing lefty a go and you threw a 100mph bullet that looked like it came straight out of "Rookie of the Year"? How fucking awesome would that be?

"It's genetics; you are born to throw a baseball. You are born with how hard you can throw," said Tom House, a former major league pitcher and pitching coach who knows more about the throwing of a baseball than anyone alive.

I just threw this in there because for those of you who dont know, Tom House was a major league pitcher who admitted to using steroids as far back as the 60's. I just thought it was an interesting person to quote about "genetics" and pitching naturally.

Wagner, who is maybe 5-10 and throws 100 mph

5-10 IS NOT FUCKING SHORT!!!!!!! I AM NOT A DWARF!!!!!! STOP MAKING ME SOUND LIKE I AM!!!!!!! Why are people so shocked? I'm more impressed that hes a righty that throws lefty as fast as he does, more than I am about him being 5-10.

Look, if height was all that mattered you would be sending Manute Bol out there to sling baseballs and Mark Hendrickson would not be a shitty soft tossing lefty. This shit drives me crazy. When I was in HS, I was 5-10 and 155lbs, but I could throw a baseball 85mph (I had no idea where it was going, mind you) and nobody said "OMFG, how can such a skinny person throw it so fast?"

You know what, theres more, a lot more. I recommend clicking on the link and reading the rest of it because it just keeps repeating itself, and I dont feel like going through the whole thing. Oh yeah. before I forget, this is how this prize winning article ends.

Shorty.


HAHAHAHAHAHAH do you see what he did there? Very clever, Timmy my boy!

Alright, I'm going fishing. Then I'm going to take a detour down to Bristol, CT, to hand out a mushroom stamp to Timmy K. Peace!

5 comments:

Chris W said...

Fred--highlight the text you want to make a link, then click on the little globe-shaped icon and paste your link into the pop up window that opens.

Martin said...

6 foot 3 inches! I'm a towering madman over you itsy bitsy tiny girly men

and travelling in coach sucks ass, let me tell ya.

Martin said...

Hey, this Google chrome is pretty shiznitty. For some reason I kept getting lag on this page, and everywhere else like my browser was trying to access something...so I loaded up Chrome...and Frank Viola'! it's fixed.

Fred Trigger said...

Traveling in coach sucks if your a midget, much less someone who is 6-3.

Thank you Chris, I'm new to the blogging thing and would've never figured that out on my own.

Bengoodfella said...

It took me a while to figure out how to link as well. I guess I would be a short hard tossing pitcher too. I was never offered any scholarships in basketball and I am Mike Hampton's height. I played outfield in intramural softball because I had a good arm and was fairly accurate. Hence, I am not considered a physical marvel according to this article.