15 comments Bill Simmons Was Right, Yet Insists On Being Wrong

I have laid off Bill Simmons lately because he hasn't annoyed me as much as he used to. His columns have not been overly terrible and when he talks about the NBA, (which is what he is doing lately) generally he knows what he is talking about. In fact, I would call him an expert on the NBA and I am sure he would as well (which isn't saying much since Bill believes himself to be an expert on nearly anything he gives an opinion on).

Let's get this out of the way...Bill Simmons was right about the Greg Oden v. Kevin Durant "battle" in the 2007 Draft. He chose the right side. Durant was the right pick, there's no doubt at this point. Bill just can't be satisfied with only being right, he has to include a new chapter in his "Book of Basketball" paperback edition as one of his useless "what if" discussions about the Durant v. Oden pick.

So while acknowledging Bill was right about the Durant v. Oden argument, he gets off track a little bit in this posted excerpt on ESPN.com from his paperback version concerning the Durant v. Oden chapter of the book and this annoys me.

What if Portland had taken Kevin Durant over Greg Oden?

Would Barack Obama had been elected President? Would the polar ice caps stop melting? How would this affect the war on terror? More importantly than any of these issues, Bill has updated his Hall of Fame pyramid, so please shell out more money to find out what kind of backhanded compliments he gives Kobe Bryant in this version of his book.

Here's what we knew about Oden heading into the 2007 Draft: owned Ewing-like potential as a rebounder and shotblocker

Here's what I know about Greg Oden going into the 2007 Draft: Bill Simmons watched maybe 2-3 of the games he played in. I just feel like this is true and I will show it is true based on statements about Oden's performance at Ohio State.

… struggled with a broken wrist during his freshman year at Ohio State

This is especially relevant given his history of knee problems in the NBA...wait, no it isn't. What it is relevant in discussing is whether Oden is just injury-prone or not, which he obviously is, but I wouldn't say a broken wrist necessary should be a concern to NBA GM's as far as future injuries are concerned.

… only played one "Wow!" game (the '07 NCAA Championship: 25 points, 12 rebounds, 4 blocks in defeat against Florida's Joakim Noah and Al Horford)

First off, this isn't true at all. I will show you that in just a minute. Second, assuming this is true isn't it a sign of a good player that in the biggest game of his entire career to that point he played the absolute best? Shouldn't this be an omen of positive things if Oden can go up against two lottery picks and solid NBA players and more than hold his own? I would think normally if a player played his absolute best on the biggest stage of his career, Bill Simmons would see this only as a positive. If Oden became a great NBA player, then this great game in the National Championship would show his potential in the NBA. Basically, some of Bill's analysis depends on the outcome. He wants us to believe Oden NEVER showed the ability to be the #1 overall pick, which is untrue.

Regardless, it isn't true this was the only "Wow" game of Oden's college career.

Here are some other "Wow" games that eluded Bill's apparent inability to do a search for Oden's Ohio State 2006-2007 season statistics:

December 30 against Coppin State: 18 points, 16 rebounds, 2 blocks.

January 13 against Tennessee: 24 points, 15 rebounds, 3 blocks.

January 20 against Iowa: 29 points, 10 points, and 2 blocks.

January 24 against Northwestern: 17 points, 17 rebounds, 1 block.

February 3 against Michigan State: 16 points, 11 rebounds, 4 blocks.

March 9 against Michigan: 22 points, 8 rebounds, 4 blocks.

March 10 against Purdue: 17 points, 19 rebounds, 4 blocks.

There were other good games during the season where Oden posted a double-double. Remember, he was a freshman center. Freshmen centers aren't exactly known as a group of individuals who progress at a rapid rate out of high school. Sometimes it takes 1-2 years for a center in college to start putting up numbers like this and Oden did it immediately. Really, the only thing holding him back from being even better was the fact he committed fouls at a really alarming pace...which is another problem with freshmen centers.

So while acknowledging the best game of Oden's season may have been the Florida game, that was also the biggest game of his career at that point, and Oden had more "Wow" games (whatever the fuck those are) during the 2006-2007 season. Bill Simmons is incorrect in saying otherwise.

openly admitted that he didn't love basketball and once wanted to become a dentist …

Which naturally led to this lack of love for basketball turning into debilitating knee injuries that affected his career. See, Oden's knee knew he didn't like to play basketball so it just quit on him. Is that the explanation?

frightened everyone in Portland with a jittery pre-draft workout …

If there is anyone who doesn't trust a pre-draft workout then it is Bill Simmons. How many times did he joke about Yi Jianlian dribbling around chairs before the 2008 draft? I guess Portland wasn't scared enough of his pre-draft workout to back off drafting Oden, so the workout couldn't have been that bad.

looked and walked like a thirty-six-year-old man.

This isn't really a fact, but is based more on Simmons' perception of how Oden walked. He is turning his perception into fact. Oden performed fairly well during the brief time he was actually able to play in the NBA over the past three seasons. How old he looks really doesn't have much to do with anything. How he walks, probably could maybe predict future back problems, but this is still more of an observation than a fact.

Meanwhile, Durant lived and breathed basketball, became a national phenomenon during his only Texas season, crushed his Portland workout and had no conceivable offensive ceiling.

Which we know now. At that time, maybe this wasn't so much known. Who is to say Durant had the strength to score on NBA defenders? That was a question about Durant coming out of Texas. Every scouting report asked the question of whether he could bulk up or not. We know now that Durant had no conceivable offensive ceiling but at the time there were questions about whether about how adding muscle would affect his game. Obviously it didn't hurt him at all.

Throw in Portland's tortured history with fragile centers

Which is completely and utterly irrelevant, no matter who tries to tell you differently. Does this mean the Trail Blazers should never draft a center? Centers sometimes have injuries when they are younger. Oden's injury was a wrist injury, which wasn't indicative of knee problems in the future.

and, as the years pass, it's becoming harder to fathom that the Blazers willingly decided, "Screw the sure thing, let's take the big guy with uneven legs who played one great college game."

This is the revisionist history of this whole thing. Oden had more than one great college game. To insinuate that Oden was a player who had one good game and then skyrocketed up the draft board based on that one good game could not be more incorrect. Oden had plenty of good games at Ohio State.

Because we love revising history over time, owner Paul Allen and then-general manager Kevin Pritchard have been protected by the "Come on, anyone would have taken Oden, you always take a franchise center, it's not their fault he keeps getting injured" defense.

If anyone knows anything about revising history in this current discussion it is Bill Simmons. Yes, he was right about the Durant v. Oden argument, but he is wrong to suggest Oden wasn't a dominant college player. It's not enough for him to be right, Bill Simmons has to let everyone know they should have known he was right in 2007, when there were no obvious signs that Greg Oden's body would break down like it has.

That presumes Oden was considered a sure thing -- like Kareem, Ewing or Hakeem -- and ignores those six months everyone spent wondering about him before the 2007 Draft.

This script could easily be reversed and if Durant went first and averaged 8 points per game his first three years in the NBA then we would be saying we should have known a player who dominated on an above average (yet underachieving) Texas team would struggle scoring in the NBA because he didn't have the upper body strength.

I don't see how anyone could have wondered about Oden. He had a freak wrist injury that affected his play and he still dominated in college.

Like me, Boston GM Danny Ainge liked Durant as the top pick for one reason: Durant was the sure thing, not Oden. If you followed Durant in college (and Ainge fell head over heels for him, as did I), you knew about his work ethic, leadership, character and scoring DNA.

After reading this, let's see what Doc Rivers had to say on November of this year on this same issue...here's a key quote from Doc Rivers:

Had the Celtics landed the No. 1 pick, Rivers said, Oden would have been the choice.

"Even though everybody changes now, we were all for Oden, and I think 98 percent of the league,'' Rivers said. "But now I hear it all over our staff, I hear it everywhere, ‘Oh, no, we were Durant guys.' I don't believe that. I think we would have drafted Oden.''

Sounds like Rivers was under the impression Ainge didn't like Oden better. Bill could possibly be full of shit. If you follow college basketball, you would know Durant was a decent leader on that Texas team, but this also doesn't predict future NBA success. You would also know that a question about Durant was his work ethic in the weight room. That was pretty much THE question. So he had great work ethic on the court, but there is more to just that when it comes to playing in the NBA.

I thought Durant was a genetic freak: like Tracy McGrady crossed with Plastic Man, someone God created to make baskets and get to the line. Oden left you hoping he stayed healthy, hoping basketball would become more important to him, hoping his spotty college year wasn't an aberration,

"Spotty college year?" This is the biggest crock of shit I have read in a while. It's just a lie.

As a freshman, Greg Oden averaged 15.7 points, 9.6 rebounds and 3.3 blocks in 29 minutes per game.

As a senior, Patrick Ewing averaged 14.6 points, 9.2 rebounds, and 3.6 blocks in 31 minutes per game.

As a junior, Shaquille O' Neal averaged 24.1 points, 14.0 rebounds, and 5.2 blocks in 32 minutes per game.

As a senior, Tim Duncan averaged 20.8 points, 14.7 rebounds, and 3.3 blocks in 37 minutes per game.

As a junior, Hakeem Olajuwon averaged 16.8 points, 13.5 rebounds, and 5.6 blocks in 34 minutes per game.

I'm not cherry picking either. Pick nearly any great center and then see what his college statistics were and compare them to Greg Oden's freshman year. They are scary comparable and if you project Oden to his junior/senior year he is very close to being on track with these players.

Oden's one year college career was not at all spotty. The numbers put up were on pace with college statistics other great college and NBA centers put up. Bill Simmons is just outright lying when he says Oden's college career was spotty.

How was that any different than the Bowie/Jordan dilemma 23 years earlier?

I am kind of tired of the Jordan/Bowie comparison, though it is a really easy one to make. Greg Oden is an injury prone center that was taken in front of a much, much better player, but he wasn't Sam Bowie in college. He was projecting to be better than Bowie was at Kentucky.

As a junior, Bowie averaged 10.5 points, 7.2 rebounds, and 1.9 blocks in 29 minutes. His best season was his sophomore year where he averaged 17.4 points, 9.1 rebounds, and 2.9 blocks, which was much more Oden-like. Concerning the year each player had coming into the NBA Draft, it appears Oden was a much better prospect. Of course Kevin Durant looked (in terms of statistics accumulated) like a better prospect coming out of college than Michael Jordan did.

So what if the Blazers picked Durant instead of Oden? They become the fledgling Western Conference juggernaut of the 2010s (not Oklahoma City); Portland becomes a legitimate 2010 destination for LeBron;

I can't imagine LeBron playing with Kevin Durant in any capacity. Maybe I am just not very good at these "what-if" scenarios.

any successfully unconventional decision would be called "a Pritchard";

It wouldn't be called "a Casserly" after the Texans GM who took Mario Williams over Reggie Bush and Vince Young in 2006? That pre-dated the Durant v. Oden 2007 draft discussion.

Instead, we have to start bracing for the 2029 or 2030 Draft, when Portland wins another lottery and finds itself stressing between Sure Thing Potential Superstar Scorer X over Possibly Fragile Franchise Center X as everyone else wonders, "Wait a second, we're doing this again?"

Here's the problem...that problem is that Oden had a wrist injury. Contrary to however Bill Simmons describes Oden's walk or anything, Oden had no knee problems until he entered the NBA. So he wasn't a possibly fragile franchise center, he was a center that put up great college numbers despite having a wrist injury during his freshman year.

One of these generations, the Blazers will get it right.

I can't argue with the conclusion. Durant over Oden was the best call in retrospect. Bill's attempt to paint Greg Oden as a college center that wasn't dominant is completely false though. Oden was a great college center, especially for a freshman.

7 comments Rambling About Bill Simmons

Let's just start taking cheap shots at Bill Simmons for his opinion.

Not really cheap shots but Bill Simmons' ramblings always have potential for some great craptitude and this one is no exception.

When ABC launches a game-show pilot called "Country Singer, Famous Assassin or Kick Returner?" the final question will definitely be, "Who is Johnnie Lee Higgins?"

When ABC launches the game show pilot called, "Jokes that Get Told Over and Over and Were Never Funny Originally" would this joke be considered too pathetic for the show?

Oh yeah Bill, your 1998-2001 columns called and they want all of their jokes back or it will sue you for self parody.

The highlight of my Thanksgiving weekend: Including a humorous comparison in last week's NBA column about Deron Williams' 2008-09 stats versus Chris Paul's 2008-09 stats (even though Williams had played only two games), hoping to incite a barrage of "That's not fair, Williams was hurt!" e-mails from the trigger-happy Jazz fans ... and nearly 900 e-mails and eight days later, they're still sending angry e-mails. Utah fans are the best. They really are. As far as inferiority complexes go, they might be the Joe Pesci of NBA fan bases. They're funny.

Those there Utah people sure are funny, not quite as cultured as us here California folk, right Bill?

How stupid of the Utah Jazz fans to believe a comparison made in ESPN's most popular columnist's latest entry would not be a joke. They are so stupid for actually believing something Bill would write!

Bill has been dogging out Deron Williams all year for Chris Paul being better and then he threw that comparison in his column, I thought it was a real comparison too. I don't think Bill knows that people expect constant mediocrity and poor fact based reporting from him. We as a people know Bill is stupid and feel the need to correct him when he is being stupid. Plus, Bill is actually dumb enough to use such a comparison after two games.

At a certain point I am going to need a disclaimer to tell which facts Bill puts up are jokes and which ones are actual facts someone else collected for him.

What was more improbable: Michael Turner's becoming more valuable than just-about-washed-up former teammate LaDainian Tomlinson, or Anna Paquin becoming more relevant than just-about-washed-up "Almost Famous" cast mate Kate Hudson?

Considering Michael Turner has about 10,000 less yards and 4 less years (those are guesses I made) on him then, I would say this is not improbable at all.

Anna Paquin has an Oscar for Best Supporting Actress from when she was 13 years old, while Kate Hudson has spend her career starring in romantic comedies with Matthew McConoughey (it's "I Am Not Looking Any Spellings Up" Day), so I would say her resurgence in relevance was not totally unforseen.

I would ask what his point is but I know he doesn't have one.

Repeat after me: It can't be a "Subway Super Bowl" when both teams play in New Jersey. It can't be a "Subway Super Bowl" when both teams play in New Jersey. It can't be a "Subway Super Bowl" when both teams play in New Jersey.

This has nothing to do with this comment Bill made but I wonder how "Old Man" Greg Oden is doing these days. I haven't heard Bill mention him lately.

Oh, he is averaging 8 points 8 rebounds and almost 2 blocks in 22 minutes...on a 14-6 team? Not bad. Kevin Durant? 22 points 4 rebounds, almost 2 assists and less than a steal and a block in 37 minutes...on a 2-17 team?

Where in the league can you find someone who can score 22 points in 37 minutes? That sure is hard to find, a lot harder to find than someone who averages a double double and blocks three shots a game if they played the same amount of minutes.

I am not suggesting Kevin Durant is worse than Greg Oden, I am suggesting I would rather have Greg Oden than Kevin Durant. Clearly at this point Kevin Durant is a better player but I think Greg Oden is probably more valuable to his team.

It's really too bad that we can't bet on things like, "Cortland Finnegan will kill the Titans in the playoffs with a really dumb unnecessary roughness penalty at the worst possible time."

It's really too bad we can't bet on things like, "Bill Simmons will make the same joke he made last column in this column and there will be five 1980's movies references."

Speaking of short yardage, you know Philly is struggling when reader Dan from Fairfax, Va., sends me a long e-mail explaining why Andy Reid should sign a "little person," then have McNabb line up in shotgun formation while holding the "little person," take a shotgun snap, hand the ball to the "little person," then fling him over the offensive and defensive lines into the end zone. And Dan was serious. Ladies and gentlemen, your 2008 Philadelphia Eagles!

I am sure "Dan" was serious about this and Bill could tell this just by reading his email. This doesn't sound like a joke at all. Maybe Utah is not the only state/person that has problems knowing what is a joke and what is not.

Also if Bill Simmons was really funny he wanted have pointed out Donovan McNabb would probably be injured for the rest of the year throwing the "little person" because he would pull a muscle doing it. I will say it for him though.

In retrospect, David Garrard's $60 million extension would be like NBC's giving Andy Samberg $60 million right after "D--- In a Box." You might have wanted to let that one breathe a little, Jacksonville.

Yeah, stupid personnel decision there. Take it from the guy whose favorite team just signed Junior Seau to play for them...and it is not 1998. How about the Patriots signing Drew Bledsoe to a 10 year $103 million dollar contract in 2001, that really worked out with him in the long run. Luckily, there was one quarterback on the roster who could earn that money.

It's funny how Bill forgets these things.

Of course, my favorite team once signed Sean Gilbert to a 6 year $40 million plus contract after he sat out a year because God told him to.

(I love Giants fans. You're right, guys -- you're much better off without your 6-foot-5 target who killed teams in the red zone. You won't miss him at all. And having your star middle linebacker potentially heading to jail for conspiracy to cover up a crime won't be a distraction in any way. You'll be fine.)

I love Bill. He points out all the distractions that are going to hurt the Giants this year, despite the fact last year his favorite team went perfect in the regular season after having survived a few distractions of their own. It can happen, you would think Bill would know this. Of course no team can buy into the "team concept" like the Patriots can in his mind, so the Giants are clearly unable to pull this off.

I don't want to say The Killers are going in the wrong direction, but their third album made their second album sound like a cross between "Born in the USA" and "Nevermind" ... and I'm currently using the second album's CD as a coaster for ginger ale.

I don't care what anyone thinks at all. I love listening to the Killers second album and I also am in the process of loving their third album. Bill is as smart as a music critic as he is a sportswriter/entertainer/comedian/douchebag...actually he is a great douchebag.

Sure the second album is overblown and heavy on cheesy imagery, but that is exactly what they were going for at the time. I am sure Bill is a huge Maroon 5 fan and would love to hear The Killers re-write their best songs over and over again but they actually wanted to play and experiment with their sound, rather than put the same shit out year after year. Not all bands can be Maroon 5 and have every song sound the same with the singer using the same whiny high pitched voice that sounds like absolute shit live. I would love to hear what Bill is listening to right now and I could almost guarantee you he loves Vampire Weekend. I almost started a music reviewing blog and I think about doing it everyday...but I will stick to sports.

Seriously, is there any reason why Gregg Popovich is now dressing, looking and acting like Sean Connery? Was he inspired by a "Celebrity Jeopardy" sketch on "SNL"?

Ubuntu.

That reminds me, the next time an NFL player tells a radio station something as incriminating as this ...

"In my 11 years, this is probably the worst team, emphasize the word 'team,' that I've been on. We have some outstanding players, but the mix is bad. We can't really find that chemistry that we need. ... We don't have that mix and it's just tough right now."

I have been reading profootballtalk.com for about as long as it has been in existence now and the fact Bill Simmons has stumbled upon it makes me not want to read it anymore.

We're all in this together. I botched last week's Jags-Texans game solely because I never knew Taylor had just flushed the 2008 season down the toilet, walked out of the bathroom and told everyone else, "Don't go in there." It's upsetting.

I am sure it was that exact quote that caused Bill to miss the Jags-Texans game last week and not the fact he uses "the homefield team is not going to cover the spread" rule that he so intelligently revealed last week and then did not follow it. It was the Fred Taylor quote, not the fact the Jags are unexpectedly horrible. It's never Bill's fault.

2. If you noticed how the Cleveland Cromeos defended Manning last week, they stacked the line of scrimmage, pressured him and dared him to throw deep ... and he couldn't do it. Not a good sign for the Colts' playoff hopes. Even if they're the luckiest football team in the history of the planet.

Bill is STILL bitter about the Colts winning a Super Bowl. The Colts have been lucky this year but many good teams get lucky all the time. I think sometimes you make your own luck and it seems the Colts have kind of done that this year.

I am not a Peyton Manning fan by any stretch of the imagination but I am going to go ahead and say if any more teams stack the line of scrimmage and dare him to throw deep, it won't work out so well for the next team.

3. Which reminds me, the Colts are five plays away from potentially being 3-9: Tarvaris Jackson's second dumb turnover in Week 2; Sage Rosenfels trying to leap two guys for a first down in Week 5; Dave Thomas' stupid late hit in Week 9; Marvin Harrison's fourth-down catch in San Diego (Week 10); and Derek Anderson fumbling away the lead (and the game) in Week 12. If those five plays had gone the other way, the Colts would be 3-9. I watched all five of those games and say that with complete certainty. So there.

How many straws can Bill Simmons grasp at here to knock the Colts? Pretty much any team in the NFL is one or two plays in a game from having a losing record or even a winning record. If John Kasey doesn't kick the ball out of bounds at the end of the 2004 Super Bowl then the Patriots may not have won that Super Bowl, if Charles Woodson gets to Tom Brady a split second earlier maybe New England loses that playoff game in 2002, and if David Tyree does not catch a ball on his helmet the Giants would not have won the Super Bowl last year. It is football. Most of the time a game hangs on a couple of plays and which team is able to make those plays, if he doesn't understand that by now he is a moron. The entire league has teams a couple of plays away from having a different year.

Think about it. Canada gets the spiritual lift of purchasing one of the 50 states, as well as musicians like Kid Rock, Bob Seger and Eminem, a second NBA and MLB team, two Big Ten schools, another NHL team, its first NFL team and, of course, more territory. Canadians would be flying high ... so high they wouldn't even mind that they were now involved in the WNBA. Meanwhile, America would escape billion-dollar buyouts for the car companies, and if we need a 50th state, we can always use Puerto Rico as long as it doesn't put us over the luxury tax. Michigan natives get universal health care, a fresh start and a chance to feel like they're spending more money than usual with the Canadian dollar. Everyone wins! I'm a genius. Just wait until I become Sports Czar and I talk my man Barry into this.

This Sports Czar thing is not going away. Remember how I said Bill has the ability to take decent causes and make them completely about him? (Simmons for Bucks GM, Sonics are going to move away...) Well, think for five seconds and see if you can remember why Bill has named himself Sports Czar...if you can do it congratulations. It took me seven seconds.

We are either going to have to write him and complain about this or deal with it every single week until an editor politely tells Bill to stop it. God knows we can't put it in the comments section because Bill's feelings need protected from the big meanies in the world.

(Great point from Chip in Mechanicsville, Ga.: "The Wildcat formation would have been perfect for Michael Vick. He was before his time in being right for it, and he'll get back to the NFL just after it wears out its welcome as an NFL offense and defenses learn how to stop it." Look at the bright side: At least he's not bankrupt and incarcerated.)

The Wildcat would have been perfect for Mike Vick, you know if he were a running back (which is usually how the Wildcat is run) and if you want your quarterback getting hit 35 times a game. Not to mention, the Falcons pretty much ran the Wildcat Formation the entire time Vick was there. He would drop back to pass, then take off running, and the refs would be in so much awe of his running ability, the offensive lineman could molest defensive linemen and hold them all they wanted to.

It was great times playing them twice a year, trust me.

Here's how much I respect the Giants (and don't respect the Eagles): We just witnessed one of the all-time in-season distractions in the history of the NATIONAL FOOTBALL LEAGUE (Copyright: Ron Jaworski), and even though this looks like a classic "They're too distracted to get focused for this one" situation, I still think the Giants win by two touchdowns as Andy Reid shatters the record for "most failed challenges in a single season" with three games still to go.

What happened to this: (I love Giants fans. You're right, guys -- you're much better off without your 6-foot-5 target who killed teams in the red zone. You won't miss him at all. And having your star middle linebacker potentially heading to jail for conspiracy to cover up a crime won't be a distraction in any way. You'll be fine.)

I know Bill thinks the Eagles really suck but when is this distraction Bill thinks is going to happen actually happening? This is not a real contradiction but you can't rip a team's fans for thinking everything that is going on won't be a distraction and then you say it won't be a distraction and expect me to not call you a hypocrite.

I would put this in the comments at the bottom of Bill's column, but he is the Boy in the Bubble and gets negatively affected by comments on his columns.

(Random gambling note: After I unveiled my big theory two Fridays ago about the death of home-field advantage, the road teams went 22-10 against the spread over the next two weeks ... and somehow, I finished 17-15 over that span. So, I didn't even heed my own advice. I'm an idiot. I really am. Including Thursday night's San Diego cover, home teams are 76-111 against the spread this season. Staggering.)

I don't know whether it is more shocking Bill made up some half assed theory that actually continues to work for this year or the fact he puts an entire column out about it and then is a hypocrite to his own self and does not follow his own advice.

I think the most shocking part might be we are going to have a nation of gamblers who follow the gambling theories of a man who has made his living talking about his favorite sports teams and 1980's movies.

Fast-forward to Week 17: "It's the 8-7 Broncos against the 7-8 Chargers for the AFC West division title, live on CBS! Hello everyone, I'm Bill Macatee along with Steve Beuerlein..."

(You're right, that joke was too subtle and didn't work. The JOKE was that, even though this game was for a division title, CBS sent its No. 6 broadcast team. Again, we could avoid this scenario simply by adopting my "A division champ has to win nine games to get a playoff spot" rule, which will be a crucial part of my "Sports Czar" campaign as it unfolds in the next few weeks.)

Sports Czar campaign!!! This has to go. I agree it is pathetic for a team to win 8 games and win the division but why does a team have to win 9 games to make the playoffs? Just because it is a winning record? In this case, the Chargers would have not won their 9th game because Ed Hoculi screwed up at the end of the first game between these two teams. The Chargers would have won 9 games in Bill's scenario if they beat the Broncos again here and Hoculi actually does his job. Under the Sports Czar campaign the Chargers don't make the playoffs because of an official's stupidity. Why punish a team for a mistake an official made?

Answer me that genius Sports Douche.

I am surprised Bill has not invented a religion yet that would worship him as a God. I guess he has his columns and it is about the same thing for his loyal readers as church. They defend him to their death and get very offended when anyone takes a shot at him to the point you think they may hunt you down and try to injure you.

Marion Barber, you're gonna love that sloppy Heinz Field. In other news, I am now actively rooting against the Steelers after Ryan Clark's Jack Tatum-esque cheap shot on Wes Welker. If that had been done to a quarterback, he would have been handcuffed on the spot, thrown in jail and banned from professional football. The Karma Police are coming for you, Ryan Clark. You just wait.

I am sorry I couldn't hear what Bill said here because they were just announcing Rodney Harrison was voted the Dirtiest Player in the NFL.

I watched this hit 8 times in slow motion forwards and backwards. Ryan Clark did not lead with his helmet and made no attempt to actually hurt Wes Welker. Sure, it was an incredibly hard hit. The ball was tipped and it was in play. If you don't want to get hit, don't go over the middle. Considering Welker makes his living running little pussy foot crossing patterns, he is going to get hit sometimes. It was a really, really hard hit but it was not a cheap shot because the ball was tipped. Welkers is a great receiver and I would not want him to get hurt but, again, if you don't want to get hit, don't go near the middle.

(Funny request from Chad V. in D.C. that someone should be able to accommodate this weekend: "Could someone put together a montage for YouTube showing how much these pregame guys laugh at the most ridiculously unfunny things? By the way, I wrote this laughing hilariously at my wife opening the fridge.")

Chad V. you are a douchebag Bill Simmons follower for making a joke about laughing while your wife opened the fridge. This is not funny and the YouTube clip would not be that funny either. Pregame shows are stupid and if you don't like them, don't watch them.

I guess you could say the same about a Bill Simmons column, but then what would I write about?

That is a world that is depressing for me.

0 comments Bill Simmons Mailbag Fiasco: Part 1

I love a Bill Simmons mailbag almost as much as he loves to read white men between the ages 18-25 trying to talk and act like him in his mailbag questions. Part 2 will be up tomorrow (hopefully) simply because Simmons is putting up his Part 2 tomorrow. This wasn't his most exciting mailbag. Don't you like how I get everyone pumped up to read?

Part 1.

Q: I would like to nominate you, Bill Simmons, for a new Sports Czar position in the Obama cabinet. It's a position that's needed in government, no? You're the only one who can save this country from future sports missteps.-- Travis, Minneapolis

Now I have one more reason to hate Minnesota, thanks Travis from Minneapolis! We are all very familiar with Bill Simmons' constant need to have the focus and attention on him and his ideas at all times, so he is going to gladly accept this position. Whether it is GM of the Bucks or trying to save basketball in Seattle, Simmonsologists know Bill has an uncanny ability to make anything about him and less about the cause.

On the first week of 2009, I will post a complete platform for my bid to become the first Sports Czar.

Another opportunity well taken by Bill to make it about him. Rather than merely talk about the changes he would make to sports, Bill has to be campaigning for something and putting the focus on him. Just like when he wanted to be the GM of the Milwaukee Bucks. I greatly dislike him for this. I could argue with every single of one the things he lists after this but I will just cover a couple of them.

Bill is also the least qualified person in the world to be the Sports Czar...and I will never ever use the term Sports Czar again since he is going to use it 1,000 times in the future.

Creations: a full-length indoor basketball court in the White House, with all games involving Obama televised on NBA TV

I swear to God if Obama only plays basketball the entire time he is in the White House this would just make ESPN's day.

championship belts for the defending NBA champs that they must bring to every game; a hierarchy of alcoholic beverages for baseball celebrations (cheap beer, then good beer, then cheap champagne, then good champagne); relegation for Major League Baseball (a 30-team league with the bottom two teams forced to move to Triple-A for a year).

Only Bill Simmons has the ability to combine ideas that are not funny, bad ideas, and fucking stupid together into coherent thoughts.

Eliminations: The backstroke, butterfly and breaststroke events in the Olympics;

Why? I think the butterfly is the most exciting stroke. If I had an opinion of course...

If I had to eliminate something from sports, it would be Bill Simmons talking about college athletics. That just always irritates me.

baseball managers cannot wear uniforms anymore;

This is a part of baseball I really like. Dumb idea.

no NHL ticket can cost more than $75; no tax write-offs for season tickets,

Basically Bill wants socialism.

no more sideline reporters unless they agree to dress like Julia Roberts in "Pretty Woman";

Hate the movie, hate Julia Roberts. She is ugly. Also, more socialism from Bill. I look forward to his reign as Sports Asshole.

Restructures:

Gus Johnson will be promoted to CBS' lead play-by-play guy for March Madness and the Final Four;

I wish Bill would just fuck Gus Johnson and quit flirting with him.

the Olympics and World Cup will happen every three years (not four).

There is absolutely no reason for this. None. At what point are regular readers of Bill going to realize he knows nothing about sports. Do these ideas not tip you off a little bit?

New rules:

the "Real World/Road Rules Challenge" will replace the Australian Open as tennis' fourth major (with the top six male and female tennis players competing against MTV cast members);

Nobody likes the Real World/Road Rules Challenge. It peaked like six years ago and the only losers who watch the show are either stoned, drunk or Bill Simmons.

Maybe I have just outgrown the phase where I wanted to watch other people get drunk and yell at each other, so I should not judge, but I still think it is weird for a middle age man to write this.

Tropicana Field is immediately blown up;

Bitter Bill doesn't like Tropicana Field. Bitter Bill can't get over the fact his team lost. Bitter Bill is a big douchebag.

Q: Watching the end of the Jets-Chiefs game, you know what I hate most about the obligatory "number of game-winning drives in Favre's career" graphic? The fact that if he didn't suck so much for the first 50 minutes of the game he wouldn't need those game-winning drives. Really? You're putting a last-minute game-winning drive against Kansas City on your résumé? Does that negate the three INTs you already threw?-- Aaron, Montpelier, Vt.

SG: Back in the day, this e-mail would have caused a riot in Wisconsin. Now? It's only causing a riot in Peter King's office.

What does a man do when his two objects of hatred get in a fight? I stand back and just let it happen. Please let it happen, please let King Peter read Bill Simmons' comment and get mad and put something in his MMQB and there end up being a cage match where King Peter suffocates Bill's head in Peter's 3 foot diameter thighs. Please...

Q: Milwaukee recently passed Houston as America's fattest city. Is this because CC Sabathia moved there?-- Jeremy, Sydney, Australia

Australia? J.S. is that you? That would be awesome.

SG: I mean, not entirely. Here's the part of the column where I send Hank Steinbrenner subliminal messages, in a tiny font that he hopefully won't realize he just read, telling him to spend $150 million on Sabathia.

God, I hope the Red Sox sign Sabathia and he mistakes Dustin Pedroia for a nacho and devours him. Or Sabathia could just stay injured the entire time he played for the Red Sox, either way. I just want to see Bill get pissed off because he has already avoided the J.D. Drew bullet, where Drew decided not to show off his poor hitting capabilities that St. Louis, Atlanta, and Los Angeles had already seen. Instead of showing his true suckatude, Drew actually develops into a good baseball player. Actually he was always a great baseball player, he is just not as frustrating anymore.

Q: C'mon Bill, you can't tell us about the "what's staying and what's going ritual" for your dresser without mentioning your top five sacred T-shirts. The ones you will have interred with you in your casket. The same ones that probably are on the Sports Gal's "top five to secretly throw out someday" list.-- Noah L., Chicago

Don't Bill's readers have a bizarre fascination with the Sports Gal? I bet she is the same type of person Bill is, where you could be with them at a party and all they will tell you is stories about their life until you are forced to fake getting the shits from the food being served so you run to the bathroom to avoid him for 15 minutes and then Bill wanders over to the television to watch the game and make "funny" comments. I bet no one likes Bill at parties...he is the guy who tries to be funny, makes up all kinds of fake monikers for players and ends up arguing with you for two hours about how many seasons of the original Knight Rider there were.

Anyway, I won't tell you my entire pitching staff because that would be boring.

Oh yeah, reading about the rest of your clothes is just a fucking joy to listen to. Yes, he called his shirts a "pitching staff." If you ever met someone who referred to their clothes like this would you ever forgive yourself for not punching them in the face repeatedly?

In this particular case, I flew to San Fran to hang out with my buddies Bish, Mikey and Hopper (the heart of the original Vegas crew) for a few days.

If somebody referred to someone a group of friends as "the heart of the original Vegas crew" would you ever forgive yourself for not keying their car?

Read this whole paragraph of douchebaggery: (If you watch The Office, imagine Ryan the Temp saying this about his time in New York and then ask yourself if Bill is the biggest douche you have ever heard about.)

The weekend started off with Mikey showing us a then-legendary porn scene -- one where Rocco Siffredi randomly decided to dunk a co-star's head into a toilet -- which we analyzed like it was the Zapruder film for a good two to 10 hours. Then we flew to Vegas and gambled for three straight days, and every time someone got killed by a blackjack hand we made a variation of a joke about someone getting their head rammed in the toilet by Rocco. Vegas is the place where you beat the same joke into the ground, but this went to another level -- flushing sounds, gurgling, "No, no Rocco, not again!" and everything else. It just never got old. My buddy Bish and I also had our legendary comeback run at Treasure Island that I have referenced a few times, which culminated in me peeing next to the WWF's Undertaker. Now that is a Hall of Fame Weekend.

Apparently Vegas, Boston, Los Angeles and anywhere Bill Simmons is are all of the places you beat the same joke into the ground.

I have come to the conclusion there is no Sports Gal. There is no way a woman would ever want to meet a man who talked about a comeback run in gambling being "legendary" and peeing next to a professional wrestler. Bill probably lives with his parents in Boston still and has Kathy Ireland posters all over his room.

Q: If I could have sex with someone's writing, it would be yours. Thank you.-- Michael, Knoxville, Tenn.

Clearly a fake email. Bill's wife probably hates his writing. Assuming she is not writing his columns for him by now.

Q: Giants-Titans Super Bowl: What is the line and who are you taking?-- Michael R., Passaic, N.J.

SG: What I don't understand is why people don't trust Collins; he has been the league's most consistent QB this season.


Most consistent QB? Is Joe Morgan ghostwriting Bill's columns now? You know why people don't trust Kerry Collins?

Check out these numbers: http://www.pro-football-reference.com/players/C/CollKe00.htm

I don't think Collins is bad but a losing career record with a trip to the Super Bowl and the NFC Championship game doesn't spell consistency over a long span of time.

If you don't like Tennessee's Super Bowl chances because of Collins, you need to find a better reason. You really do.

This coming from the same person who thinks the Celtics won the NBA Finals because how many chest bumps and high fives the players received. He would never gamble on Joey Harrington because he called himself Joey instead of Joe and thinks Greg Oden will not be a franchise center because he walks like an old man. I wish there was a hypocrisy meter that we could measure Bill's comments by. It would be off the charts 98% of the time.

Anyway, I keep getting e-mails from readers comparing the '08 Titans to the '72 Dolphins: Veteran backup QB who stepped in for the ballyhooed starter, great coach, tough-as-nails defense, two-headed running game, lack of national respect and everything else. Seems fair. I think they're a little closer to the '03 Pats, personally.

Now there is a shock. Bill thinks the unbeaten team in the NFL compares more closely to his favorite NFL team. Really the only differences are that the '03 Pats did not have a veteran backup stepping in for the starter, had tons of national respect from winning the Super Bowl, and had a two-headed running game in the fact none of their running backs were really good enough to start. Other than that, they are completely like the '03 Pats.

Which means everything would rest on the shoulders of Collins and a mediocre crew of receivers. Last Sunday, it didn't bite them because Rex Grossman gave them the game. But against a really good team? That can't happen.

Bill "If you don't like Tennessee's Super Bowl chances because of Collins, you need to find a better reason" Simmons has left the building and now Bill "I contradict myself in every other paragraph" Simmons has entered the building.

The paragraph above this Bill actually said, "What I don't understand is why people don't trust Collins; he has been the league's most consistent QB this season."

Come on, at least make this hard on me. Do like Gregg Easterbrook and make me wade through 18 pages of bullshit and contradict yourself.

If there is anyone in the world who goes to Bill Simmons for gambling advice, analysis, or anything related to these topics, I implore you immediately to seek professional help because you know more about sports than Bill Simmons does. Even if you know nothing, you are at least on the same playing field. Bill can't even make it a paragraph without contradicting himself.

So, I'd pick the G-Men in that game. I love the way they're defending the title.

Bill does not need a better reason than the way they are defending the title to pick them. Something along the lines that they are playing incredible football and are missing arguably their best defensive and offensive players and still winning games. There's a great reason and that would be a great reason, but not quite arbitrary enough for Bill.

Q: Which is a worse impersonation: the one Adam Carolla does of you on his radio show, or Steve Sanders and Brandon Walsh impersonating basketball players in the 3-on-3 tournament episode where their teammate Dick ODs on heroin in a bathroom at the PPAD? I gotta go with Carolla. At least in the game montage there was music to listen to.-- Matt, Sacramento

SG: Thank you for bringing up the "90210" episode where Ian Ziering cried and said the words, "This one's for Dick." Thank you. Again, thank you.

That Frank Caliendo definitely needs some new, more modern material doesn't he Bill? How the hell does Bill get away with making fun of someone's choice in joke material?

Q: Read your NBA preview about Portland the day after Oden was injured and scored no points. I could've sworn the music from "Boogie Nights" was playing. No, not the happy disco stuff, but the ominous this-world-is-ending music when Rollergirl has the worst limo ride ever and Dirk gets beat up for whipping it out. Did Oden happen to buy donuts on the way to the game for his pregnant porn star wife or something?-- Ian, Los Angeles

SG: That e-mail wasn't even that good -- I just wanted to keep my "Boogie Nights" mailbag streak alive. We're now at 53. I'm three away from DiMaggio.

Hey Ian, that was a big "fuck you" from your all time favorite sportswriter that you took the time to write into his mailbag to ask a question. Hope it tasted good with the shit sandwich answer he gave you.

Oh, and I saw Bill Simmons and he says, "fuck you again."

Q: I heard that Will Smith's son is starring in a "Karate Kid" remake due out in 2009. As a loyal fan to you and The Trilogy (as you described it), I have some deep fears of my anger for this movie. Please give me some things to hope for -- maybe Johnny and Ali's love child in the finals at the All-Valley or at least Larusso's red coat.-- Geoff S., Roselle, Ill.

SG: I'm a little torn because this flagrantly violates one of my Hollywood credos ("nobody should ever remake a movie that's still watchable and holds up")

This movie came out 25 years ago and is getting remade. Bill is still quoting it. He needs new material. Again, I implore loyal readers of his, you have to wake up and realize this is an untalented, hypocritical man who lacks any real knowledge, and is coasting on the same 5 pop culture references. Please, I will start a support group, just get out now.

(Add this to my Sports Czar platform: No sports movie can be remade if it's still exceedingly watchable.)

He's quite serious about this Sports Czar platform and you are all going to get plenty tired of it very, very soon.

I'm taking the Jets plus the four points in New England. Throw in the lack of home-field advantage at the Gillette Cemetery, and I'm grabbing the points.

For those of you who don't know, it is called Gillette Cemetery because the fans there are not ruckus and loud like they used to be when Bill went to games there. Bill experienced the stadium when it was absolutely the loudest it has ever been and it will never, ever be that loud again. Ever. It is because of all those corporate big wigs that go to the games now, the same people who are not real fans and live in the New England area still. Unlike Bill, who is a Hollywood wannabe but is a "real" fan of the team as is seen by his moving 3,000 away from the New England area. The place may not be loud but at least those people go to the games and stuck around in the area.

Part 2 tomorrow...

3 comments Bill Simmons Hates Being Wrong, Except About Greg Oden So He Hopes He is Wrong, Which He May Be, But This Column Is Wrong

I could post every single minute of every single day, given the opportunity for more Simmons material, so let's just dive in.

Wrong?

First impressions matter more in basketball than in any other sport, and they can be savored only in person. Players can't hide behind pads or helmets, so we can stare at them, evaluate every move they make: running, jumping, walking, even ogling the cheerleaders. We can see every ripple and tattoo. If they're lazy, we can tell. If they have a lousy attitude, we can tell. If their teammates dislike them, we can tell. It's the most naked sport, if that makes sense.

It doesn't, because it is moderately incorrect. Let me list the other sports where every move the athlete makes can be evaluated and every single little thing Bill said is exclusive to basketball can be viewed.

Baseball
Tennis
Soccer
Water Polo
Swimming
Track and Field
Softball
T-ball
Golf

I am bored with this already, but you get my point. I would actually vote tennis, which I know Bill hates, as the most naked sports considering they are usually wearing as much clothing as a basketball player but are not involved in a team sport, so any mistake they make puts the focus on them individually.

I think first impressions are even more important in football sometimes than basketball as well. The NFL has this thing called the Combine, where they make players do drills in shorts and shirts to see them "naked" as Bill says. Then the players get graded and no matter what the statistics they put up in college look like, if those viewing the football players don't like at all what they see when the player wears shorts and a shirt, that player will usually not be drafted as high as the other players who perform the drills better. It is a completely unscientific process that is mocked frequently as a measure for which players to draft. Maybe they should just use "Simmons-vision" where they look at the players 3 years into their career and talk about all the things they saw/right wrong with the player three years before. You will see Simmons-Vision in action now:

I remember watching young David Robinson stroll out of the tunnel at the Boston Garden as everyone made the same sound: "Whoa."

I am sure this happened. Young David Robinson, who was 24 at the time he debuted in the NBA which is a solid 4 years older than Greg Oden is right now, made the entire crowd at Boston Garden say, "whoa." I have no proof this did not happen, but I wish I did. Simmonsologists know Bill just makes shit up when he doesn't have any actual proof so he can prove a point.

Young Hakeem possessed so much raw athletic ability, he could barely harness it; watching him play hoops was like watching a 15-year-old driving a Formula One race car.

Incredibly poor analogy. Maybe you should have just referenced a movie on this one. "Young Hakeem possessed so much raw athletic ability, he could barely harness it; he was like Michael J. Fox in 'Teen Wolf' all over the court but not having a clue what he was doing...plus he had less body hair."

That would work. Now I know why he uses movie analogies all the time. His real analogies are horrible. Actually he may not know what an analogy is.

Oh, and Young Hakeem was 21 when he entered the NBA, and Greg Oden is 20. Again, go easy on him.

I caught Ewing as a rookie and remember nothing.

Obviously Bill is the ultimate test for this. He can spot good players just by the way they walk. Whatever happened to Patrick Ewing anyway? He didn't do anything in the NBA. Where is he flipping burgers again?

Please remember Milwaukee, you dodged a huge fucking bullet by not having him become your General Manager. Bill would base all of his decisions how that player walked and whether he gave his teammates high fives or not. Mark Madsen would have been the model for the prototype Simmons player.

Same for Yao, Sampson and Zo.

Does Bill ever realize that he is not the only one in the world who has seen these players play? I saw Alonzo Mourning play basketball quite frequently. On Bill's "Whelm" scale (we will focus on this in a minute) I was overwhelmed at his ability to block shots and control the low post. Especially considering he was all of 6 foot 10 inches with shoes on. Mourning could hit a jump shit, free throws, and play defense. I saw him play many, many times, so I am going to go ahead and say Bill is full of shit and is stupid for saying he remembered nothing about Zo when he saw him. Zo was not on the scale of Shaq but when you watched him play you were usually impressed with him.

So I couldn't wait to attend a Clippers-Blazers preseason game a few weeks ago. I needed my first impression of Greg Oden.

Someone please tell me if there is ever a worse arena to evaluate a player coming off a major injury than in a completely useless preseason game where players are trying to not get hurt and are learning how to play with their teammates. Maybe a pick up game would be worse. Maybe. At least then they would be trying to play. You can not judge how good a player is going to be on preseason games. Unless you are Bill Simmons, in which case preseason is all you need. That and a "Whelm Scale."

I needed to fit him on my Whelm Scale. He ended up landing "under."

There is the Whelm Scale. It sounds like a German made device that would measure the heaviness of an object. What was Greg Oden, coming off of major surgery, supposed to do that would have impressed Bill Simmons? Should he have gone all out 110% every time and tire himself out within three minutes in the game? He is a center, they don't always run full speed in the regular season because it is tiring to run so much and be tall. How many times have we seen David Robinson, Ewing, or Hakeem dunk the ball on a fast break as the trailing player on the play? I remember seeing several highlights of this. They were the trailing player because they did not always run full speed every time down.

Doesn't someone at ESPN feel like pointing out to Bill he is evaluating a player in a preseason game?

Oden ran with— there's no other way to say it—a noticeable limp.

Probably because there is no other way to say it--he was coming off major surgery and was not confident enough to run at full speed all the time quite yet.

Physically, he didn't seem any more intimidating than his teammate LaMarcus Aldridge. Everything about his body language said, "I'm not healthy or confident in my body yet."

I am not saying Greg Oden is going to be an All Star or even play in the NBA again, but he is a 20 year old kid who had major surgery on his ankle, was reportedly 30 pounds over his playing weight in college, and was playing in a preseason game. He probably was not healthy or confident yet.

Bill is not going to be right that Greg Oden walks too old be a franchise center until Oden actually plays a full year in the league. It doesn't matter how he walks, it matters what numbers he puts up when healthy, and if he is never healthy, then Bill will be pseudo-correct. Besides the Blazers don't need him to be the best center in the league, they need him to play great defense.

Sure, he could dunk in traffic, challenge a few shots, sink an ugly jump hook or two. But everything came in quick bursts. His game lacked a certain fluidity that great centers usually have.

What the hell is he talking about? I thought making plays in bursts was a good thing? Also, he was injured all of last year, maybe he only has energy right now in short bursts, so as soon as he gets back in good physical shape, the bursts will become longer and longer. Then the magical fluidity that is needed as prescribed by non-GM Bill Simmons will be there.

I just know what I saw, and here's what I saw: a 20-year-old guy who walked and ran like he was 35. Of course, you could have said the same about him in Columbus, but back then, at least he would randomly unleash an occasional superfreak moment: a hellacious dunk, a Russell-like block, whatever. Not anymore.

I wonder if what Bill saw in college from Greg Oden "randomly," could be described as bursts of dunks and blocks? If so, then he is the exact same guy now he was then. I am not saying Greg Oden is ever going to be any good, I am saying the way Bill deduces this, basing it on observations in the preseason and looking at the way he walks, is an extraordinarily crappy way to come to this conclusion.

The league needs him.

Remember last week when Bill wrote the NBA had its curves back? Now the league needs Greg Oden and why?

He could be a wonderful, thoughtful personality along the lines of Bill Bradley, Kevin McHale, Charles Barkley, Magic Johnson and Bill Walton—an original, someone who defies every unfair stereotype of NBA players.

He does have a wonderful personality and I would agree the league needs that. Though I would argue these five players do not defie the stereotype of modern NBA players. Hang with me on this:

the stereotype of modern NBA players is they don't care how they look to others, get in trouble with the law, are focused on being thugs, sleep with dozens of women, are African American or foreigners, if they are not African American are incredibly un-athletic and goofy, and tend to be lazy. These five athletes Bill lists do not completely fit the profile of the modern NBA player and were all great players and humans, but they each had a widely known component to their game/life that fit perfectly into the stereotype.

Bill Bradley- he is not modern so doesn't really fit.

Kevin McHale- incredibly goofy and un-athletic and Larry Bird continously got on his case because he thought McHale was lazy and could do so much more with his skill set.

Charles Barkley- intelligent and thoughtful, but also has a gambling problem, in no way wants to be a role model, spit on a child and threw a man threw a window at a bar. Also, he was called the Round Mound of Rebound because he was fat and seen as lazy in college. One of the greatest players ever also.

Magic Johnson- I feel horrible saying it, but he did get a life threatening virus because he slept with dozens of women...unless there is some blood transfusion issue I have never heard about. Great businessman, even better point guard, but when NBA athletes are accused stereotypically of sleeping around with random women, you can't name the player who opened the eyes of the entire United States to the AIDS epidemic as not fitting a stereotype of this.

Bill Walton- beyond goofy...and also a dirty smelly hippie.

Oden told Portland GM Kevin Pritchard, "I'm sorry, I'm sorry," after finding out he needed knee surgery. He played piano for JT at the ESPYs. He messes with reporters during interviews by seeing how many questions he can answer in a monotone. He's such a nice person, I guarantee he will never throw a punch in a game.

Now these are acceptable reasons for why he will never be a great center! Great centers generally require a certain chip on their shoulder about protecting the lane and playing physical basketball. The fact Oden is so sensitive and withdrawn at times, and the fact he plays like this sometimes, is a reason he may not succeed in the NBA.

When The Oregonian's Jason Quick casually mentioned to Oden that he'd been a little underwhelmed by his preseason, Oden took it so personally that Quick cringed for the rest of the conversation. Oden never yelled at Quick nor defended himself, but his feelings were genuinely hurt.

How is Bill missing this to use as a reason Oden will not be a great center? What if the coach has the same type of criticism for Oden and Oden gets his feelings hurt in the middle of a game? That will probably affect his play at the center position. Centers are going to be dunked on, foul out of a game, and miss a block that they need to get to. They also have to get over it quickly, I would say all of the great centers in the NBA had good self confidence, which Oden may lack. THAT is a reason Oden may not be a great center, not the fucking way he walks.

I can't remember a more fascinating big guy. Shaq was contrived. Robinson was a saint. Ewing was forced. Hakeem was bland. Kareem was a ninny. Wilt was self-absorbed. Russell was angry and defiant.

Apparently Bill has forgotten that Hakeem was like a 15 year old trying to drive a Formula One car and that David Robinson caused the entire Boston Garden to say, "woah." Or he could just be making this shit up because he has to prove that Greg Oden is the most fascinating big guy he could remember.

Do those readers who really enjoy reading Bill Simmons just take every single word he says as gospel and not look into his blanket statements? How is being contrived or angry and defiant not fascinating? How can Bill talk up David Robinson and Hakeem Olajuwon saying they were greats, unlike Greg Oden, and then whenever he needs to crap all over them saying they were not fascinating players?

Unfortunately, he has rarely seemed like a franchise center in anything more than hype.

He has played a total of one game in the NBA. For a total of like 8 minutes. That's like saying Tom Brady was going to have a crappy year based on his one quarter of action.

I was concerned during his Ohio State season, when everyone kept making excuses for him despite mounting evidence that THE NEXT GREAT CENTER GREG ODEN just couldn't dominate night to night.

Where was this mounting evidence found? When his only year in college he helped lead his team to the National Championship game or was it when the fact he was a freshman in college and somehow managed to be somewhat consistent through the whole year. This is where Bill's complete lack of understanding about college basketball shows. The word "freshman" should also mean "completely inconsistent." Just like Durant had bad shooting nights, Jason Williams (the Duke one) was named Ason Williams by UNC fans because he had no "J," or the fact Kevin Love tended to disappear for stretches last year...this is something freshmen do. They just got to college and now are playing against a higher level of competition, when you combine that with distractions of partying and class, freshman college basketball players don't have a great consistency track record.

Oden is a center, and centers generally take longer to develop into great ball players, especially when they are only 20.

I was concerned after watching him walk down a hallway after the 2007 ESPYs, when he reminded me of Fred Sanford. I was concerned after the sudden announcement that he needed major surgery.

For a massive knee injury that occurred to him, not because of a bad back. You try having knee surgery and then rehabbing in a year when you are 290 pounds. It is ironic that Bill spent an entire early summer of 2007 pining for Greg Oden or Kevin Durant and now he is still in love with one player and completely written off the other player after watching this player walk.

So it makes sense that Hakeem played nearly 800 more games than Walton did. Watch them running on NBA TV, and it will still be no surprise.

If Bill were an NBA scout, he would prefer the player parade up and down a runway like they were model, then he would ask that they sprint and he would set up his expectations based on his Whelm Scale and just see what he thought about them. He would make a great GM if you were looking for inexplicable arbitrary reasons to base your entire player selection model upon.

I would've bet my life that Hakeem was going to become a great player, barring injury, in 1984.

First off, Bill was 15 years old. I doubt he would have bet his life on this when he was 15 years old. I also love the "barring injury" part of that. Bill is basing his entire conclusion of Greg Oden not being the next great center on the fact he is always injured and walks like an old man, as if this is some type of inherent flaw where injury will naturally occur because he walks funny. While Hakeem would be great as long as he did not get injured, but because he ran like a gazelle this was not an inherent flaw in Hakeem and an injury would be a freak thing. I wish someone would read his Bill's columns at ESPN and make him edit out the egotistical and hypocritical parts. Of course, then there would be no column and he would write a letter to The Big Lead whining like a five year old who got candy taken away that ESPN was censoring him.

Also, barring injury, anyone has an opportunity to be a great player.

We know he's a wonderful person, and a skilled player, but it remains unclear whether his body was meant to play basketball for a living.

From what I've seen so far, the answer is no.

He has played one game in his entire NBA career and you are basing this decision on a preseason game after he is recovering from a major knee injury. Greg Oden may never become a great NBA center but this shitty reasoning is not why.