7 comments MMQB Review: All About Luck Edition

While voicing his litany of complaints about life on the road last week, Peter King let us all in on the secret that he doesn't care much for a hotel's attempts to prevent credit card fraud. Peter also took it as a compliment that he was described as being "a source for leaks" in Jonathan Vilma's lawsuit against the NFL when it probably wasn't exactly a compliment. It doesn't matter because Jonathan Vilma didn't get to throw out the first pitch at a baseball game, nor has a minor league team had a Jonathan Vilma bobblehead night like Peter has. Peter is special in that way. This week as part of his whole "it's preseason so we can't read too much into anything" plan, Peter begins to read into what is happening during the preseason and reveals the shocking revelation that everyone already seems to know, which is that nobody likes Todd Haley.

The highlight of the week that was, looking at my 19th, 20th, 21st and 22nd NFL teams prepping for the season? Easy. It was the 27-year-old coaching apprentice, talking into a walkie-talkie, communicating with his captain on the field, looking completely in charge.

Nothing tickles Peter's fancy like seeing a 20-something man looking authoritative and completely in charge. Let's give Peter a minute to compose himself.

(waits a full minute)

"Twenty-seven?'' Rams defensive end Chris Long said to me incredulously. "No way. No way he's 27.''

AND Chris Long is there along with this twenty-something authoritative man? The same Chris Long I used to accuse Peter of having an obsession with? It's like a One Direction concert on the Rams practice field for Peter. I hope he was able to keep himself together and didn't start following Chris Long around while he was trying to practice.

But he is ... and I'll keep you in suspense for a few paragraphs longer before I tell you who this coach and this good story is.

Does Peter King really think we give a shit who this coach is? This just doesn't strike me as information so incredibly important it requires a cliffhanger. I doubt Rams fans even care who this coach is. A man that looks younger than he really is AND he looks completely in charge? I can't wait to find out who this is and have to immediately scroll down to get spoiled.

It turns out this is Blake Williams, Gregg Williams son. Holy shit, what a great story and I immediately regret spoiling this for everyone. So Blake Williams had a walkie-talkie, is 27 years old and looked fully in charge? He may one day run a defense because he is so smart? Thanks for playing games and just not telling us this story outright. Guessing games are much more fun.

This whole "he is 27 years and looks completely in charge" irrelevant reveal reminds me of when my mother will tell me something "interesting" about a person I knew 15 years ago and turns it into a guessing game. The story is not even close to being relevant enough to deserve a guessing game.

(Mom) "Guess who I saw at the store?"

(Me) "I don't know who...Satan?"

(Mom) "He played coach-pitch with you and you'll never guess who he is married to."

(Me) "Demi Moore? You? Did you get married?"

(Mom) "No, he married Barbara Shelton. She was a year or two behind you in high school. Do you know who it is I am talking about?"

(Me) "I've never heard of Barbara Shelton in my life and my house is on fire. I have to go."

There needs to be an island where we can put people who play guessing games about topics no reasonable person should or would ever care about. They could stand around all day and play guessing games about irrelevant topics only they seem to care about. Yes, I suggested putting my mother on this island, but only because I love her and would be completely willing to go visit.

1. Too bad Andrew Luck will have only one national game this year.

Yes, I know. Because teams coming off a 2-14 year deserve at least 8-10 nationally televised games per year. Not to mention, there is no way to see an Indianapolis Colts game on television because satellite technology hasn't improved enough for this to happen.

Nationally televised games are overrated anyway. They aren't a sign a team is any good, they are a sign that team draws good ratings.

In Colts camp Friday, I asked Luck what had surprised him about his first NFL camp and preseason. He paused. "Not much, really. Can't really think of anything.''

Well it must be a fantastic feeling to be so fucking perfect.

Looks like Luck's going to be must-see TV all season, but it'll have to be DirecTV must-see with the Sunday Ticket package ... because the Colts are due for one national game, a Thursday nighter in November at the Jags.

Well, fortunately Peter works for NBC and has the money to afford DirectTV's Sunday Ticket Package. Otherwise, this would be a disaster of epic proportions if Peter couldn't watch Neckbeard play every single game this year.

2. Bad weekend for the Cardinals. Kevin Kolb had his manhood questioned by a marauding Raider, Tommy Kelly. That's the headline. More important -- actually much more: left tackle Levi Brown going down with a torn triceps muscle, possibly for the season. This was already a shaky line. Now the protection problem could become a crisis for Arizona.

Good thing they drafted Michael Floyd. He is a good offensive linemen, right? He can protect the quarterback? This is why you don't listen to your players when it comes draft time. The Cardinals wanted to keep Larry Fitzgerald happy and Fitzgerald wanted another wide receiver to complement him, so the Cardinals obliged. I'm done harping on this now, but I thought the Cardinals should have drafted an offensive tackle or guard in the first round.

Next man up could be Boise State rookie Nate Potter. Nothing against Nate, but how many contenders have opened the season with a seventh-round rookie left tackle?

Four. The answer is four teams have done this.

The officials have to drop their demand to keep a pension that's better than full-time NFL employees have, and the league has to jack up the money it has offered by $10 million or $12 million over the seven-year life of the contract. It's time. I can't say it better than Bears cornerback Charles Tillman did late Saturday night: "Can we get our refs back? ... Replacement refs aren't cutting it.''

To prove I am a human being who is capable of emotions other than snark. I feel sympathy for the replacement refs. They are inept and they seem to know they aren't cut out for NFL games at this point. Twice in the Miami-Carolina game Friday night the head official called out the wrong call and then visibly rolled his eyes so that you could see he was nervous as hell and frustrated with his own inability to get the call right. I'm at the point with the replacement refs I feel sympathy for them. Many of them aren't cut out for this level of football and the communication level between the officiating crews is just not very good. They get together and have long conversations, which doesn't necessarily speak to their incompetency, but the lack of communication and trust they have among each other. It's hard to watch them officiate without cringing.

8. What will Jeff Demps do with New England? Sounds like the Olympic silver medalist sprinter will have a chance to return kicks for a New England team that was horrible in the return game last year -- 29th in the league. Among all players with at least 10 kick returns, the Patriots' Danny Woodhead was 40th, at 21.9 yards per return, with no touchdowns. But Demps has an Achilles heel, according to Mike Reiss of ESPNBoston: Demps fumbled 11 times in 424 career touches playing with Tim Tebow at Florida.

Demps played "with Tim Tebow" at Florida. Is it in the contract of every NFL writer they have to mention Tim Tebow whenever given the opportunity? Why can't Demps just play "at Florida" or perhaps he played at Florida with his current New England Patriots teammates Brandon Spikes and Aaron Hernandez? Wouldn't that even make more sense since Peter is talking about the Patriots signing Demps and Hernandez and Spikes also play for the Patriots? I don't get why "with Tim Tebow" has to be added unnecessarily into this sentence. It's almost like NFL writers have to mention Tim Tebow at least once in every column.

But there's little doubt these players are breathing easier with a coach they like and respect more than Todd Haley. "It had to happen,'' one player said of Haley leaving and Romeo Crennel replacing him. "Players were afraid of speaking up. The environment just wasn't healthy. I think it really wore on Matt.''

What? You mean Todd Haley rubbed the Chiefs team the wrong way? This certainly didn't happen in Arizona and Dallas. What a shocking turn of events that a coach who feuded with players at his two previous stops may not be absolutely loved by his team when he becomes a head coach. I didn't (did) see that coming.

The ex-coach's father, former Steeler personnel man Dick Haley, told the Pittsburgh Tribune Review that Cassel was "real average'' and "it didn't surprise me what happened in Kansas City.''

Fortunately, Todd Haley's dad was there to stick up for him. Todd Haley was probably too busy getting into a fight on the sidelines with one of his wide receivers to comment on Matt Cassel's comments.

Coby Fleener, the rookie tight end from Stanford (and MMQB columnist extraordinaire), is running with the ones, and he looks to have picked up the offense as quickly as Andrew Luck has.

That's probably because nothing has surprised Fleener and everything is just so easy for him when it comes to his transition to the NFL.

I've always thought if I were a marginal player I'd want to sign with a coach, or a team, with the reputation of meaning it when they say, "The best players will make the team."

Is this as opposed to signing with a team that has a coach who says, "The best players will not always make the team. I play favorites"? If so, I'd like to meet the NFL head coach that says this. I'm guessing there aren't any.

Four Andrew Luck notes from my brief time around the Colts:

Does he have his Hall of Fame speech prepared? That's all I need to know at this point.

1. Nothing looks uncomfortable for him.

Even when Peter cupped Luck's balls and started grabbing his ass. Luck just shook it off and went about his business.

But watching him practice, he looks at ease, like a kid who's spent 10 hours studying for a final exam and is sure he has the answers.

Other than speaking. When he speaks he sounds like Kermit the Frog, so he still can't answer my question of why he sounds like that.

I'm not trying to hate on Andrew Luck. He's just so perfect and my natural reaction when I see someone that perfect and well-built for the NFL is to be snarky and critical. It's because I have low self-esteem and my mom still won't let me out of the attic to see my friends.

2. What's troubled him, or been difficult for him? I asked. "I was more prepared to learn this offense than I was to learn the offense at Stanford coming out of high school,'' he told me. "At Stanford, I was pretty young, and we had the West Coast with some other things -- the Schembechler influence, and a little bit of the Bear Bryant influence. And as a freshman in college, it was pretty heavy.

"The tough thing here, I'd say, have been the protections. We ran one type of dropback protection at Stanford, but here there's man protection, slide protection, scat protection [no backs kept in, and man blocking by the line]. There's a protection where the TE's staying in, where the RB releases,

Blah, blah, blah. "I was born to be a good quarterback and I'm really good at it."

Nobody likes a know-it-all. Andrew Luck talks like an elite quarterback though, doesn't he? He's prepared for the NFL. He even stayed at Stanford long enough to get his degree, so I can't knock him for that. He's so perfect it naturally makes me cheer against him.

3. Think of it: How lucky is Indianapolis, the franchise and the football city? In 1997, Manning, the best NFL prospect in college football, passed on the chance to go No. 1 to the Jets to play one more year at Tennessee; the Colts benefited by earning the first pick in 1998 and drafting him. In 2011, Luck, the best NFL prospect in college football, passed on the chance to go No. 1 to Carolina so he could play one more season at Stanford; the Colts got the first pick in 2012 and Luck in their laps.

Gosh, I had never thought of it that way. Think how lucky the New York Giants are though. They drafted the Manning brother that knows how to win Super Bowls.

I'm kidding of course.

I'm getting way ahead of myself, but imagine Luck having a long career for the Colts and playing well. Two quarterbacks in 30 years, with no quarterback controversies, no jobs on the line because the GM failed at finding a quarterback. Amazing thing.

What an Easterbrookian statistic. The Colts wouldn't have two quarterbacks in 30 years because Curtis Painter, Kerry Collins, and Dan Orlvvodsksyskdsy started for them last year and there was a controversy over which of them should be the starter. That is unless Peter is selectively blocking out the whole "Kerry Collins v. Curtis Painter" discussion that Reggie Wayne chimed in on, which I wouldn't put past him. So that's five quarterbacks in the last 30 years. I know! It's sad how one bad year ruins such a good-looking statistic. Let's just ignore 2011 happened and gloss over the fact "Genius" Bill Polian wasn't enough of a genius to have a quality backup quarterback on the roster and hired an unqualified man to be the team's head coach. So when times got rough, times got really rough because the entire team was built around Peyton Manning knowing what the hell he was doing at the quarterback position.

Big fail on the whole "two quarterbacks in 30 years" comment. Not only is it presumptive since Luck hasn't taken a regular season snap yet, it's also factually incorrect.

"How about our opening schedule?'' Matthews said. "San Francisco, then Chicago on a short week, then we go to Seattle on a Monday night, then we've got New Orleans on a short week.''

Earlier in MMQB Peter was complaining Andrew Luck wasn't on national television but one time this year. What Peter didn't think about is there are drawbacks to playing on national television a lot. A team ends up having short weeks, short preparation time and long flights. Just something to remember when you wish your team had more nationally televised games. I'm perfectly happy with my team playing on Sunday at 1pm or 4:25pm.

On HBO's Real Sports this week, Bryan Gumbel interviews Jon Gruden, who was handed the Monday Night Football analyst job solo this offseason and has signed a long-term deal with ESPN. The network has insisted that Gruden is a football analyst retired from coaching. But in the interview with Gumbel, Gruden says: "I'm trying' to figure out where I'm going. If the right opportunity presents itself, I will come back.''

Let me tell you about this guy! This guy can coach an NFL team or work in the announcer's booth. Listen to this. Listen to how he uses words that come out of his mouth to say something positive about everything and everyone. He thinks the Colts losing 14 games last year was a great, great thing because it taught them how to lose. He doesn't mind what Hurricane Katrina did to New Orleans because it was the strongest hurricane he's ever seen and it gives people a chance to rebuild their lives. Let me tell you about this guy! He's too afraid to say anything negative about anyone for fear it will cost him his next NFL job. If Jon Gruden had to pick one guy to quarterback his team, other than the other quarterbacks he has said this exact same thing about, it would be this quarterback he is watching right now.

Jacksonville QB Blaine Gabbert. Twenty-four hours after venting to Yahoo!'s Mike Silver about the critics who (justifiably) ripped his 2011 play ("They can't do my job; there are 31 other guys that can do my job, and that's it''),

I think Gabbert is going to have a good year as well, but there are probably 50 guys who can do his job as well as he did last year. Just food for thought the next time he lumps himself in with the other NFL quarterbacks who performed even at an average level last year. I'm high on Gabbert this year, but I wish he would worry more about silencing his critics with his play rather than with words.

"The real problem was that no one seemed shocked.''

-- Steve Gleason, the former New Orleans special teamer now suffering from ALS, to HBO "Real Sports'' correspondent Jon Frankel in a story that will air Tuesday night, on his memory of the reaction by those in the room to Gregg Williams' pregame speech before a January playoff game in San Francisco.

The speech, of course, was recorded and released by filmmaker Sean Pamphilon and recorded Williams as graphically identifying potential injury points on the 49ers. In the HBO piece, Gleason, who has been quiet to this point about the events of that night in the hotel in San Francisco, said the speech was fairly run of the mill until Williams mentioned the places they could hurt 49er players. "That, to me, was over the line,'' Gleason said.

And of course Gleason is probably still angry that Pamphilon released the audio. Given the fact no one seemed shocked about what Williams said, doesn't that give the indication this is something the Saints defense was used to? Maybe they were so shocked they were unable to react at all and didn't seem shocked. I don't believe that though. I'm glad Gleason seems to see the Saints actually were in the wrong, because they were. I've always struggled a bit with him blaming his physical condition partly on playing in the NFL, while also knowing the Saints team he played for had a bounty program. Gleason has been a little too neutral on this issue for me.

"It's the single worst-officiated game I have ever been involved in. Talking to them during the game, no question some of them were star-struck.''

-- Anonymous player who played in the New Orleans-Arizona Hall of Fame Game, speaking of the replacement officials.

We all know this is Drew Brees. He's the one who loves to be critical of others publicly, is well-spoken enough to make this statement and he also seems to enjoy it when he has Peter King's ear. Not to mention, he states the officials were star-struck and there is no bigger player on the field (in the world?) than Drew Brees. So I'm sure he knows they were star-struck to get the privilege of officiating a game he was involved with.

"Sorry about that!''

-- Bruce Springsteen during his Fenway Park concert last Tuesday, interrupting the song "Wrecking Ball'' with an apology.

"Wrecking Ball'' contains these lyrics:

"Now my home's here in these Meadowlands where mosquitoes grow big as airplanes,

"Here where the blood is spilled, the arena's filled, and Giants played their games ... "

Get it? Springsteen was in the land of the Patriots.

I get it! I get it! How clever.

If you watched the Chiefs much last year -- and in the NBC viewing room, we got to see a lot of every team --

Except for the Colts apparently. Peter can never watch the Colts play, which is why Peter said he had to have DirectTV and their Sunday Ticket package to watch Andrew Luck play.

Janoris Jenkins, the second-round pick for St. Louis, will start at cornerback for the Rams. He was the 39th overall pick in the draft. The Rams have put a program in place to be sure he can concentrate on football while still taking care of his parental obligations.

In fairness to Jenkins, who doesn't have a consultant that helps him/her take care of their parental obligations?

The Rams had a consultant to the team manage the child-support payments for the five children. The complicating factor there: Each of the three mothers lives in a different Florida county -- with different child-support laws the consultant had to navigate to put a plan in place so Jenkins would be in compliance monthly. In addition, the consultant arranged for Jenkins' mother to live in a duplex home in her hometown in Florida -- and found a friendly neighbor to live in the other half of the duplex.

I don't know how a team could get a player to concentrate on football better by managing a difficult situation to the benefit of the player and his extended family the way the Rams have with Jenkins.

It's a tribute to the Rams they don't let irrelevant, outside obligations, like being a parent affect Jenkins' mental preparation to play in the NFL. The Rams are smart to cut out all of the ridiculous bullshit like this and let Jenkins just focus on playing football. I wonder who they hired to help Jenkins take a shit or a piss? I'm sure that's an everyday worry he would like alleviated as well.

"Review of press box meat: 'This steak still has marks from where the jockey was hitting it.' ''

-- @IzzyGould, the Dolphins' beat reporter for the Sun-Sentinel in south Florida, apparently not pleased with the quality of the evening meal Friday night in Charlotte prior to the Dolphins-Panthers game.

I'm sure the play of Ryan "Maybe if keep talking about him being the answer at quarterback, it will end up being true" Tannehill didn't help Gould feel much better.

"I have a good feeling about this year.''

-- @pick_six22, Atlanta cornerback Asante Samuel.

I should hope so. That team's loaded.

Really? The Falcons? At a position outside of wide receiver? Maybe Peter means they are drunk. I'm sure that's what he means.

3. I think it's hard to blame Kevin Kolb for all of Arizona's offensive problems right now, because he's just not getting the protection a quarterback needs to have a chance. But he looks shaky. Very shaky. And deep down, I wouldn't be surprised if Ken Whisenhunt is thinking: What have I done in committing to Kolb?

(continues beating dead horse) It always helps if a quarterback gets good pass protection. Kolb isn't exactly getting that right now and it tends to snowball sometimes once the protection breaks down. Kolb still sucks of course. There's little denying that right now.

7. I think if Adrian Peterson plays Friday night against San Diego, eight months after reconstructive knee surgery, it'll be the biggest boost the Vikings have had since the approval of the new stadium by Minnesota voters. But we've come to expect the unexpected from Peterson. The Vikings, though, have to be careful that Peterson's not coming back too soon. They need him for 16 reals games, not one phony one.

Getting back healthy is the key to playing in reals games. Phonys games don't count. Peters is right. The reals games are the ones that counts.

8. I think if defensive end Chandler Jones isn't a bona fide star as a rookie in New England, you can shred my scouting card. (If you can find it, that is.) Maybe the most interesting thing out of New England, though, is that Ryan Mallett has had two training camps to beat out Brian Hoyer for the backup quarterback job, and when the Patriots start the season, Hoyer's very likely to be No. 2. If Mallett were a great player, I couldn't see this happening.

But I thought we were told Ryan Mallett was first round material and Bill Belichick is a genius for drafting him in the third round, only to later trade Mallett for 9 first round draft picks and the map of where the fountain of youth is located? My world is now shaken.

Here's what happens at the this time of year: I write the column in chunks during training camp, and when I write something Tuesday night, I often don't recall everything exactly how it's written, so the thing I might write two nights later could include references that will appear redundant when the whole thing is read together. Again, my fault.

Here's an idea...proofread your entire column before you submit it. Much like Janoris Jenkins and his employer helping him to focus on football, Peter probably has people who are paid to proofread his columns so Peter can focus his time on complaining about the staff at hotels around the United States.

j. Coffeenerdness: Never been so happy to see a Starbucks than I was at 5:40 a.m. Friday in Effingham, Ill., after 95 minutes on the early-morning road from St. Louis to Anderson, Ind. And I didn't catch their names, but the Effingham Starbucks has a friendly, welcoming and fast couple of baristas working at that hour. Nice oatmeal too, ladies.

Is "nice oatmeal" Midwestern slang with a sexual connotation? I feel like Peter is trying to slip one by us.

l. Derek Jeter with 250 home runs. Don't know why, but that strikes me as a terrific accomplishment for a guy never known for power. To have more homers than Roberto Clemente (240), Sal Bando (242), Hack Wilson (244) and Don Mattingly (222) -- that's saying something.

As Peter ignorantly said a few years ago, the Jeter is the best baseball player of Peter's lifetime ( which by this he really means the last 25 years). Also, having more home runs than Sal Bando and Don Mattingly isn't really saying anything because Jeter has been around a while.

o. Thinking of you, Paul Needell.

Not thinking of you enough to send this message in a non-public fashion of course. There was no annoying travel note from Peter this week. Maybe he's learned his lesson from last week that his readers don't appreciate it when he acts like a dick to those working in customer service. I doubt it. I'm sure he'll have two complaints next week.

8 comments Ross Tucker Has Christmas/New Years Wishes For the NFL Loser Teams

Happy New Year to everyone. I hope everyone isn't too hung over/tired from last night. I know this is two straight weeks of only 5 posts and everyone is severely depressed about it, so I am sorry, but with the holidays and all I have to leave the attic more often to interact with fellow humans. It's clearly something that makes a pale white blogger like me nervous. Even a blog posting addict like myself has to leave the computer regularly to talk to real people. It's a new year, but don't worry, the writing on here will always be nearly average. The quality will never drop off below that level, that's my vow to you. Some of the post may not be visible to you and I can't figure out why. It looks viewable to me in IE and Firefox but from what Kent told me it didn't show up in Firefox unless it got highlighted or IE was used. I tried to fix this repeatedly, but I am still having the same problem. It's very odd, so sorry about that.

Today everyone is making New Year's resolutions and trying to stick to them. I have no such resolutions. Ross Tucker, who is one of my favorite columnists to make fun of even though he is an Ivy League educated person, has Christmas/New Year's wishes for the NFL teams that aren't doing so well this year. He is trying to provide a little bit of hope for a bunch of teams that don't feel like they have that much hope right now. I will have none of this. When I read this article the first two times I thought it may have been tongue-in-cheek but after reading it again, I don't think it is. Let's have some fun and mess with what wishes Ross Tucker has for some NFL loser teams. He calls it positivity, so I will inject some (what I call) realism in here and nitpick him a bit.

The holiday season is all about giving, so this week's column gives a little hope to the fans of teams that no longer have playoff dreams dancing in their heads.

In all seriousness, nearly every single NFL team can go from the lottery to the playoffs in the matter of one year with smart free agent acquisitions, good drafting, good luck, and by getting some players who may have been injured the year before back playing at full strength. So I am not saying these teams Ross Tucker lists won't ever contend next year, I am criticizing Ross Tucker's reasoning for why some of these teams will bounce back. I don't want anyone to think I am saying ALL these teams can't make the playoffs next year.

Atlanta Falcons -- This year's setback can be traced to injuries and a tough schedule, both of which will likely improve next season.

Feel better Falcons fans! Your team is merely average, but because you will play an average schedule next year that means they will have a chance to play other average teams. This means the Falcons will make the playoffs potentially. At least that how Ross Tucker wants you to feel. He doesn't think your team will get better, he just thinks your schedule will get easier, thereby I am sure this gives you hope. Then the Falcons will have a losing record the year after that when they have to play difficult teams again, thereby extending the streak of years when the Falcons haven't had a winning record for two straight years. I know this makes you feel better.

Ross Tucker is exactly right about injuries affecting the Falcon's season and one of the biggest reasons (at least in my mind) many teams have a hard time getting back to the playoffs on a yearly basis is because of luck, injuries and the fact the team didn't improve that much in the offseason as compared to some other teams. I find the Falcons to be a good example (the Falcons do have a young defense and I readily acknowledge it will take time for these guys to play well as a unit but let me generalize for a second, please):

Last year the Falcons were a B+ team. They had a high draft pick (because they had a year before that no other NFL team may ever have again in that their QB went to jail and their head coach literally quit his job before the season was over) and were able to draft a franchise quarterback in Matt Ryan. They had finished last in 2007 for these above reasons, and for the 2008 season (when they made the playoffs) they played the AFC West and the NFC Central during the season. If you recall, the NFC Central and the AFC West weren't very good divisions last year. So the Falcons being a B+ team were able to defeat these teams and secure a playoff spot. The Falcons went 7-1 against the AFC West and NFC Central and they also played the Rams who were terrible which puts them at 8-1 against these teams. The Falcons went 11-5 overall, which means they went 3-3 against teams in their division and lost to the Eagles (who made the playoffs), which put them at 3-4 against teams that weren't in the AFC West and NFC Central. I am not saying the Atlanta Falcons weren't a good team last year, but they were a B+ team playing a C- schedule.

This year the Falcons were not able to improve enough (or at least didn't show it) to move up from being a B+ team (or they fell further down because of injuries or youth, whatever you want to think) and the Falcons had to play the NFC East (not easy) and the AFC East (also not easy), along with the Bears and 49ers. They were still a B+ team playing a B+ schedule, so factor in injuries (which they had plenty of) and bad luck overall and we are looking at a 8-7 team now. If it seems simple, it's because it is.

So Ross Tucker is saying, "don't worry Falcons fans your team is going to have an easier schedule next year and then break your heart again by missing the playoffs the right after that."

Buffalo Bills -- This is a tough one. I know and love Bills fans after spending a decent amount of my playing career in Western New York.

Ross Tucker played from 2001-2005 in the NFL. He played in Buffalo for 2003 and 2004. I guess he is right he spent most of his career playing in Western New York, but he was only there two years, it's not like he played a decade there and built a great bond with the city.

Your hope should stem from the fact that it is highly unlikely the string of injuries will continue.

Good news Bills fans! Your team will be better because your players will stop being injured. So next year the team can't use the injury excuse for why the team failed and will just have to focus on the fact the team appears to have no direction.! This is like telling a terminal cancer patient who has a migraine that everything will be better soon because you are giving them some Tylenol for the migraine. It doesn't really take care of the real problem.

You'll also have a new head coach and perhaps even a new quarterback to look forward to in 2010. If that doesn't generate hope, nothing will.

Your team is completely rebuilding...again. Doesn't that sound exciting Bills fans? I know it's hard for Ross Tucker to make Bills fans feel better at this point, but the fact the team is going through another rebuilding can't make them feel better. Especially when the front office hasn't had success picking a quarterback or a head coach lately.

Carolina Panthers -- As long as you have Steve Smith, Julius Peppers and those two running backs, you have a chance.

Unfortunately Julius Peppers is a free agent after this season. The Panthers had all 4 of those players this year for pretty much the entire season and the team didn't have a chance. Please elaborate more fully on why these four players are all the team needs to have a chance since it didn't work this year.

The quarterback situation has to get better.

I know I irritate some people with my smartassery and constant bitching, but is this really analysis of any type? It takes a person one game to watch this team and figure out that the quarterback is the problem. The fact the quarterback situation has to get better isn't really any type of silver lining. How and why does it have to get better? Is this just going to happen suddenly?

As for Peppers, who didn't sign his one-year contract until June, the situation can't possibly get more drawn out than it was last year.

I feel better now. There's "no way" things can be more drawn out than last year and Carolina just needs to find a quarterback, then all will be right in the world. It's like emotional medicine for my aching heart.

Chicago Bears -- The good news for Bears fans heading into next season is really twofold. For one, there is going to be some sort of major change within the coaching staff.

Good news Bears fans! You are getting a new coaching staff! Continuity within an organization sucks! Your team can rebuild with all those early draft picks you don't have for this upcoming year.

Other than that, the draft choices aren't really there, at least in the first round, so I guess you'll have to be satisfied knowing Johnny Knox was a steal in the fifth round.

I am pretty sure the Buccaneers have the Bears 2nd round pick as well. So even though your team has a smaller chance of drafting elite talent in the draft you Bears fans can hang your hat on the fact you drafted well last year in the 5th round.

Cleveland Browns -- This one is easy. There is plenty to be hopeful about in Cleveland now that Mike Holmgren has been hired as president. His first order of business will be deciding on a quarterback, given that neither Brady Quinn nor Derek Anderson appear to be the solution. He'll have plenty of ammo -- 11 draft choices -- with which to work heading into a draft that most NFL personnel people say will be one of the best in years.

I actually agree with this. I love it when teams are rebuilding with people who have a direction they want the team to go and that team has draft picks. I am not worried about Mangini if he sticks around. The players will stop bitching about Mangini once they start winning. Why? Because winning cures absolutely everything.

Kansas City Chiefs -- The best news for Chiefs fans is they have the right man to get this ship righted in Scott Pioli.

Yeah, because the 2009 draft class has done such a bang up job so far:

(1st round) Tyson Jackson - 34 tackles, 2 passes defensed (I know he is switching positions but I am just stating facts here).

(3rd round) Alex Magee - 8 tackles, 2 sacks.

(4th round) Donald Washington - 3 tackles.

(5th round) Colin Brown - ESPN says he is on the roster but I couldn't find him.

(6th round) Quinten Lawrence - 14 returns for 272 yards and 1 reception for 9 yards in 5 games.

(7th round) Javarris Williams - 3 rushes for -4 yards in 3 games.

(7th round) Jake O'Connell - 1 reception for 4 yards in 3 games.

(7th round) Ryan Succop - 22/26 on field goals and 24/24 on extra points.

So there you go Chiefs fans. The Chiefs didn't do horribly in the last couple of rounds but I don't know if this first draft is giving off genius vibes for me in regards to Pioli. Granted, the Chiefs did get their starting quarterback (Matt Cassel) and Mike Vrabel for a 2nd round pick, but I am still in wait-and-see mode on Pioli and Haley.

That is why you won't see Pioli make any knee-jerk moves to appease the media or re-ignite fan interest. Not going to happen.

Which is why the Chiefs traded their best quarterback from last year Tyler Thigpen. Screw you fan base, we don't need your interest in the team nor a backup that we can trust. We need Brodie Croyle.

Oakland Raiders -- I am surprised that I am even writing this, but for the first time in a long while there is reason for optimism in Oakland. Despite getting generally inept quarterback play and making a grave first round mistake in Darius Heyward-Bey, the Raiders are mentally and physically tough enough to beat any team in the NFL. They have shown that this season with quality wins over the Eagles, Bengals, Steelers and Broncos.

Of course the Raiders have also shown their ineptness by losing to the Chiefs, Redskins, Browns, the Giants by 37 points and the Jets by 38 points. I think the "quality wins" don't matter as much as the inept losses. So far their mental toughness has given them a 5-10 record. He says the glass is half full because the team has "mental and physical toughness" and I see a team that doesn't draft very well, doesn't hire the right people, poor coaching and with no quarterback that can run the team. I don't care if they have physical or mental toughness if they can't hire the right staff and players it won't matter.

One could argue that Oakland has more quality wins than the 13-1 Saints, and that is really saying something.

One could also argue the Saints (now 13-2) are 13-2 on the season and the Raiders are 5-10 and that's REALLY saying something more than "quality wins." I don't think there is much more to say other than this. This isn't college football or college basketball. There isn't extra credit for beating good teams despite having a poor overall record.

San Francisco 49ers --

Gregg Easterbrook would say get rid of Michael Crabtree because he is cursing the team. Ross Tucker actually had decent analysis of the situation so I didn't copy and paste it here.

Seattle Seahawks -- Here's hoping the Seahawks can either figure out or shake the incredible string of bad luck they've had with injuries over the last couple of seasons.

Does Ross Tucker mean bad luck like sticking with a quarterback who from all outward appearances is on the downside of his career? Or does he mean bad luck in regard to the fact the Seahawks went from a good running team to an average running team in a 2 year time span because Walter Jones retired, they didn't re-sign Steve Hutchinson and Shawn Alexander picked the year after he got a huge contract extension to be washed up?

Other than the fact the Seahawks don't have a bad defense in place right now, the best news is they play in the NFC West and they do have good young players that no knows about because they play on the West Coast.

St. Louis Rams -- How about the most dominating defensive player to come out of the college ranks in quite some time? Yes, the Rams still need to get their quarterback situation solved, but with no sure-fire No. 1 quarterback in this draft, their best bet is to take Suh so that they can immediately become more competitive.

Who cares that the Rams don't have a quarterback or many other players on the defense they can trust? It doesn't matter. The second Ndamukong Suh steps on the football field he will automatically make the Rams a "more competitive team" without the Rams putting anyone else around him. You know since NFL teams don't know how to scheme and take a player out of a game when he is the only one on the team who is capable of disrupting the offense. Of course Suh is going to have an impact, but I don't know how much is going to be able to impact the team defensively when the defense still lacks other playmakers.

(Did I forget about Chris Long when I just mentioned the lack of playmakers?... No I didn't)

There is no doubt the Rams will be a better team with Ndamukong Suh on the team but I still think the Rams need a quarterback, a better offensive line, perhaps some receivers, help along the defensive line and a secondary before they become too much more competitive.

Washington Redskins -- New general manager Bruce Allen is in control of football operations, which makes it sound like owner Daniel Snyder may step aside for the first time since Marty Schottenheimer was running the team back in 2001.

The odds in my mind of Daniel Synder really stepping aside and letting the football people run the football team? Probably maybe 20% at the highest.

This newspaper article explains why Snyder may end up not stepping aside that much with Bruce Allen in control of football operations.

No offense to Bruce Allen, who did some good things with the Raiders and the Bucs, but his track record is not exactly like Mike Holmgren or Bill Parcells' record when it comes to player personnel. It's pretty hit-and-miss.

From all indications, Mike Shanahan appears to be a lock to become the next head coach, and his presence would give the Skins immediate credibility and direction, something that's been severely lacking the last two years.

Another positive the Redskins can look forward to is the fact this team isn't that far from being good. They just need to decide on a quarterback to run the team and work on the offensive line, then I think the team will be in much better shape. Of course Ross Tucker focuses on the front office of the Redskins, which isn't a wrong answer, it's just he completely ignores the good players the Redskins already have on the roster (specifically the defense) that the fans and the team can look forward to helping them become a better team. Ignoring the fact the Redskins have Haynesworth, Orakpo, and London Fletcher is a mistake when discussing the Redskins chances next year.

I don't know if any fans of the teams listed feel better now that Ross Tucker has tried to perk them up with his silly positivity.

I hope everyone has a great New Year.

2 comments King Peter King Teaches and His Minions Learn Something

Because J.S. and I are producing posts at a rate only Shawn Kemp or Travis Henry could keep up with, I am actually holding back on feebly tearing apart Internet columnists, so some of my posts may be FJMorgan-like late. I don't know why I am doing this, I think everyone has learned to scroll down at this point in life, and really if you miss some snarky comment J.S. or I have made, the world will not end. We just put our blood and sweat into these posts and I feel like I have to give the poor reading audience a chance to read a post before shitting out more nonsense.

I have dispensed with the drama and now on to Peter King.

http://sportsillustrated.cnn.com/2008/writers/peter_king/07/28/mmqb/1.html

I will sum up the first two pages of Peter King's MMQB column for you.

1. I know where Brett Favre lives

2. I know Deanna and Brett Favre

3. The Packers do not want to trade Brett Favre

4. I am an NFL insider

I am completely ignoring the Brett Favre dissertation in his MMQB column this week and focusing on the rest of his useless bullshit and starting on page 2, so just get prepared to jump in mid column.

What was Jerry Rice's last team? Seriously: What team was he with last in the NFL? You don't know. (Well, OK, all you Bronco fans know.) He was in Denver's camp trying to make that team on his way out of the NFL. And the media was all atwitter with stuff like: "You're ruining your legacy, Jerry!''

God, curse the stupid media that gets all "atwitter" over dumb shit. You know what I think about when Jerry Rice comes to mind now?

Dancing With the Stars. I have never watched that show but I think he ruined his legacy when he decided to go on national television and go ball room dancing. I don't want to piss of any ball room dancing enthusiasts but that would ruin a football player's legacy much quicker than trying to play the game he loves even when he is too old to do so.

Today, few people remember that. People remember Rice as a revered 49er.

I bet everyone else does remember his feeble attempts to play for Seattle the year before though...and Dancing With the Stars. What was up with that? I think he would have earned more respect from me if he had done a cameo in the Lifetime Movie "To Be Fat Like Me" or as it is better known around these parts, "Fat Like Me." And yes, I just wanted to use the Fat Like Me tag.

How about the first half of my Sunday? Went to bed at 1:25 a.m. CT after writing a Favre story in southern Mississippi. Up at 3:15 to shower and drive 95 minutes to the Jackson airport. Flight at 6 to Atlanta. Change planes. Flight at 9:15 to Detroit. Change planes. Flight at 12:15 to Green Bay. Add this to the fun: There was not an empty seat on any of the planes.
You've got to love the airlines. On the Northwest plane to Green Bay, we were handed three-ounce containers of water. I mean, why bother?

15 years from now King Peter is going to be telling everyone what color his latest bowel movement was and how parking spaces have decreased in size since he was younger. I just want to prepare everyone for this. I would like to have a poll to see who actually reads the Aggravating/Enjoyable Travel Notes every week. Somebody must.

I like to think every week there is some silver haired man in Graniteville, North Dakota (assuming they have Internet and all up there) nodding his head in approval and agreement with what King Peter is writing about traveling. Then that silver haired man, named Bernard by the way, shuffles down the hall to his study where he shoots off an email to King Peter about how he is exactly correct and loves to hear about his travels. Then Bernard most likely puts his slip on loafers on his feet, heads to the Walgreens for some medicine, and then meets his elderly friends at local doughnut shop and discusses their grandchildren.

No one gives a shit about Peter's travels who is under the age of 55.

I've decided to add between two and five new column items each week for the upcoming season, and probably forever. Here are the ones we at SI.com (well, me, mostly) are putting up for the vote:

Now think of the dumbest ideas that could every exist for a column item and then watch me magically write in big, black letters that King Peter thinks these exact stupid ideas are great ideas.

1. Interior Lineman of the Week. And why he deserves it, to educate you about offensive and defensive line play, which so often goes unnoticed. Either that or something like recognizing the best play or block of Sunday on the offensive line.

Please educate me, Peter, about the offensive/defensive line. I am just a normal person who has no idea what is going on and thinks the offensive line is just a collection of fat guys trying to protect a skinny guy with a football.

I genuinely think King Peter thinks everyone is fucking stupid. I have never played a day of organized football in my life but I am guessing I could tell him more about the defensive/offensive line than he could tell me. I don't even have to interview the coaches like he does to understand what is happening to pass it along to us, his idiot readers. Interior Lineman of the Week sucks as an idea and theory.

2. Reminds Me Of ... Comparing past and present stars who have some similarities to their games -- Don Hutson vs. Marvin Harrison, Otto Graham vs. Tom Brady -- and picking the one I think is better historically.

The winner every week........Tom Brady. I am kidding of course. Peyton Manning, Tom Brady, Brett Favre and Chris Long will rotate this column item every week. I would like to take another poll to see if anyone in the reading audience really cares who is better or even what Peter King thinks.

3. What I Learned This Week About Football That I Didn't Know Last Week.

The first week it will be: "I did not realize there were other teams in the NFL other than the Patriots, Chris Long, the Packers and the Giants. Did anyone know that a small city in Florida, Tampa Bay, has a team?"

4. Why I Love Football. An event in a game, or something from the post-game locker room, that reminded me why it's such a great game.

If implemented, this would be an example of why I hate football columnists.

5. The Toughest Thing About Playing the Game. An inside-the-game aspect from one position, illustrating why it's such a tough spot to play. For instance, how does a good running back become a three-down running back, and what's important in learning how to pick up the hot pass-rusher.

Sit down Peter. Not on my lap, over there on the couch. Can I be honest with you? This could be a good idea but you will fuck it up. Please send this idea over to a different columnist, or if you would like to make a profit, even sell the idea for 3 zebra cakes, so it will educate and not frustrate me. Thank you.

6. Hobby of the Week. Chad Brown and his reptile-raising, or Braylon Edwards and his desire to visit every major city in the world, or someone with a classic-car fetish.

If I wanted to know what a football player did as a hobby, I would send him a handwritten letter with a caramel inside asking him this question then spend every day looking out my window waiting for the mail woman (yep, and she is a real bitch, trust me) to come around the corner in her mini mail woman car hoping with an innocent smile on my face that football player has sent me back an answer.

Also, this would only serve to alienate the reader further if combined with your yuppie travel and coffee bitch fest. Some people who read your column have a hobby like working long hours to afford cable television, trying to make enough money to put money away for retirement at 65, and saving up for a family vacation to Disney World. On second thought though, Braylon Edwards wants to visit EVERY major city? That is not rubbing his wealth in my face at all. Tell me more!

Any yes, I just went all "there are people out in the world who don't have it as good as we do" on my readers. Rick Reilly can kiss my ass, I think I do it better.

7. Behind the Scenes at NBC. What does Bob Costas read? What does Cris Collinsworth eat? What makes Jerome Bettis laugh? I'm with those guys 11 hours each Sunday. I should be able to cull one note from all that time.

I don't care. I don't care. I don't care. I don't care. It seems as if Peter has Simmonsitis where he thinks we give a shit about his day and his life. I realize this is his "angle" but the only thing anyone should care about these "celebrities" is who really gives them the information they read on air and why athletes sound like they are Sling Blade when they are forced to think on their feet.

8. Player in Another Sport an NFL Guy Really Loves. Excluding Tiger Woods, because everyone would pick him.

Do you think Peter looks at himself naked in the mirror like Christian Bale in "American Psycho" and gets himself aroused talking about how many sports shows he has been on and how many famous people he knows? If not, is it just a picture of Chris Long that does it? I don't need to know this, I would like a second opinion though.

9. Good Guy of the Week. Many players spend their off days doing service in the community. I want to tell you about them.

This one sounds good actually. I know this was probably your first week's idea but Tom Brady getting Gisele tampons at the store does not count. Sorry....

10. Which NFL starting quarterback has the cutest ass?

I am kidding but you can see this happening, right?

1. I think I am smitten with Jason Campbell.

See? I swear to God he wrote this.

Brett Favre silently weeps in a corner, realizing he has been forgotten so quickly. "I un-retired Peter, I un-retired dammit!"

2. I think the greatest thing I heard in my early spin around camps was from Pro Bowl Cleveland tackle Joe Thomas. when I saw him in Berea the other day, he said to me: "Hey, I read your stuff online from Afghanistan, from the USO trip. I'd love to go. How do I do it?'' Music to my ears.

2 years from now Joe Thomas will go to Afghanistan for the USO trip, join the insurgency, behead several journalists, lead the revolution to end democracy in the Middle East, and finally, enslave the entire world. Thanks Peter.

3. I think it's patently absurd the United States Army allowed Army safety Caleb Campbell to go through the draft process, be a billboard for the Armed Service at the NFL Draft in New York City, get drafted, go to Lions mini-camp in the offseason, sign a contract with Detroit ... then pull the rug out from under him by telling him on the eve of training camp that the government has changed its mind and now wants him to be in service to his country for the next two years. Fine. Why was the kid allowed to go so far down the road toward his dream before the military changed its mind?

I actually did some research on this and found a web site that could be useful for Peter. Here is the link. http://www.becausetheyfuckingcan.gov/

It has some good information on it and helps explain to Peter how Caleb was so misled all those years thinking he was going to Army to be a pro football player and could perhaps get a cameo in the new G.I. Joe movie if he became famous enough. He went to a college called "Army." I have a gut feeling Caleb had a thought this could happen.

5. I think, by the way, Shockey the teacher is a pretty valuable guy. Watching the Saints practice Saturday, I frequently saw Shockey pull a linebacker, DB or tight end aside and give him tips on something. GM Mickey Loomis noticed and said, "Look at Shockey teaching.''

As those who read my Shockey post from last week know, this was not Shockey, but Shockey's massive ego pulling defensive players aside. He was not giving tips but threatening to murder the defensive players with a splork if they did not make him look good in practice. What an asshole!

7. I think from what I hear, Leonard Little is going to have a big year coming back from his foot injury. He and Chris Long could be a top-five pass-rush tandem this year.

I would like to be known as the first person who noticed Peter King has a huge crush on Chris Long. He mentions him in every column. I need to be known as the first to notice and comment on this. That is all I ask. Also, I am slowly turning into Bill Simmons.

I think the only thing Leonard Little could really teach anyone at this stage of his career is how to drunkenly drive your car into someone else's and not be in jail for 20 years for manslaughter.

http://sports.yahoo.com/nfl/blog/shutdown_corner/post/Ten-years-later-Leonard-Little-is-sorry-for-kil?urn=nfl,80784

I want you all to know that is sorry. He really is. That's why he did it again six years later but did not kill anyone. What were we talking about again? Oh yeah, Chris Long and Little are going to be a terrific combo.

a. I found out how little the rest of the country thinks of Red Sox-Yankees (which at this point of the year always is a megaseries). I was changing planes in Charlotte (traveling from Dulles to Jackson, Miss.) Friday night and stopped in a sports bar at the airport with a bunch of TVs. I looked around. No baseball. I looked at the sports ticker. Racing news. No baseball. There was Dale Earnhardt Jr. on a few screens. Baseball, schmaseball.

(the sound of angels singing and harps playing begins) Finally, someone from the Boston area gets some type of a clue that not everyone gives two shits about Boston-New York. (Neither team is even leading the division this year by the way) Maybe after realizing this, he will realize that the entire reason he hears all this hype for the series is because the Boston fans (ESPN) and the New York fans (the United States media) talk about it constantly. Just like in some parts of the world Duke-UNC in men's basketball is not a big deal, this series is not a big deal in 75% of the country. Unfortunately, those parts don't have large buildings that have newspaper companies and ESPN located near them.

c. Dustin Pedroia might be Wade Boggs with a little speed.

Or he could be 1.5 years into his career and the pitchers will catch up with him and his massive swing. I remember a short guy with a massive swing who played 2B for my favorite team and now he is out of baseball. Don't get too big of an erection over him quite yet. Remember the Jacoby Ellsbury orgasmic orgy of love earlier in the year? Didn't take long for Coco Crisp to get CF back. Some things just take more time King Peter.

d. It's way, way too early to call Xavier Nady Ed Whitson. But some guys start gripping the bat a little tight in the big city. Nady spent the weekend looking like one of those.

He got traded Friday night and played in Boston Saturday afternoon. Let's not be too harsh. He had 7 total at bats. I am not a Yankees fan by any stretch of the imagination, but who won the 3 game series again?

I miss Bill Simmons.