13 comments Bill Simmons and The Inhumane Choice of Having to Choose Between Attending a Game 7 or a Boxing Match

Bill Simmons made his early writing career a success by being just like you and me. He talked with his friends about sports, girls, and pop culture like you talked about those topics with your friends. That was the supposed hook of his columns. Those days where Bill can relate to his readers are long over, not that you would know it from reading how his SimmonsClones readers worship his every move. Bill is more likely to end up on a "Power 100" list from "Sports Illustrated" then he is to end up at a sports bar where he talks to normal people. He's a multi-millionaire who has desperately (and semi-successfully in the eyes of some) hung on to his "everyman" quality. Just as long as you ignore most of what he writes, everyone he hangs out with, his Instagram account, and pretty much everything else about him, then you would think he's JUST LIKE YOU AND ME! In this column/mailbag, Bill talks about ultimate dilemma that the upper 1% entitled of sports fans can face. Should he attend Game 7 of the Spurs-Clippers or go to the Mayweather-Pacquiao fight? Hey SimmonsClones, he's not like you and this should prove it. Drop your idolatry and please realize he's playing you for fools. 

That won't ever happen of course. It's also nice how Bill writes a column about this major, major dilemma like he is rubbing it in his readers' faces that he even has this choice. He's essentially bragging about how he can do either and his readers won't give a shit because they live to serve him and live their lives vicariously through him. Complaining about having to choose between these two options is just a douchebag move. Just try to be humble and not brag. That's not something Bill can do, because he lives to tell everyone how special he is. He should be making this decision without trying to write about the decision in his article. Bill had made the decision to attend Game 7, but he couldn't resist allowing his readers the opportunity to know he made this choice. Bill also takes the time to explain to his readers, who apparently he feels are all mouth-breathing morons because they aren't him, the special bond between a dad and a daughter.

During Eddie Murphy’s first SNL season, Joe Piscopo started appearing on “Weekend Update” as a goofy sports anchor who shouted the big stories in exclamation points. Saturday would have been perfect for him. NHL playoffs! Kentucky Derby! Game 7! The big fight!!! SATURDAY!!!!!!

I mean, this is typical of Bill Simmons' writing. There's no need for this pop culture reference other than for Bill to say he made the reference and cover up for the fact Bill lacks the ability to simply write an introductory paragraph.

In my first playoffs mailbag column two weeks ago, you might remember me seeing the NBA’s schedule for Round 1 and fretting about one of the all-time sports fan conundrums. If the Clips-Spurs battle miraculously produced a Game 7, that would undoubtedly happen on Saturday night. I already had my ticket for that hypothetical game. But I also had a chance to attend Floyd-Manny, which meant witnessing a once-in-a-generation fight in Vegas with my L.A. buddies. Can’t lose either way, right?

Right, which is why this isn't a difficult choice. Which is also why this isn't something you build your weekly mailbag around unless you just simply want to swing your dick around a little bit and point out that you have the choice of attending a fight or going to a Game 7. Honestly, maybe Bill's readers do care and that's pathetic. Otherwise, nobody else cares and this "Saturday decision" column is just a way for Bill to brag about all the cool shit he gets to do. He's very proud of everything he has accomplished and can't wait to tell everyone about it.

You never want to make a tough decision until you HAVE to make a tough decision … and now we’re here.

My definition of a "tough decision" probably is a little bit different from Bill's idea of a "tough decision." This decision is only tough in that Bill will miss out on an opportunity, but either way he's winning.

Game 7, Spurs at Clippers: 5 p.m. PT, Los Angeles.
 
Or …

Mayweather-Pacquiao, 8:30 p.m. PT (approximately), Las Vegas.
 
Pick one.
 
(Yikes.)

Most people would just say, "I'll figure it out" and go from there. But not Bill, not at all. Bill sees a chance to brag about these two opportunities he gets AND he can get half of a column out of fully breaking this decision down? Yes, thank you more please. Bill can kill column space when he's out of ideas AND the world can know that he's wealthy and connected? The least tough choice Bill had to make was whether to do a full breakdown of this decision.

Here are the for-and-against cases for Game 7 and The Fight.

Because nothing screams "excitement" like getting to go through someone else's pros and cons list.

The Case For Game 7: Even before it officially became “One of Best Round 1 Series Ever,” we knew it had a chance to broach “Feels Like The Finals If They Happened In Round 1” (which is exactly what happened) …

IT'S A SERIES THAT IS TOO OVER-QUALIFIED TO JUST BE A ROUND 1 SERIES!

thanks to those quietly dramatic Hack-a-DJ moments, these contests balloon to nearly three hours and feel a little like those Yankees–Red Sox nail-biter marathons from 2003 and 2004 (without 86 years of baggage and eight decades of hammer-versus-nail story lines, but still) …

GREATEST RIVALRY EVER! NO ONE DENIES THIS!

can Clippers fans affect the game without coming off like a bunch of whining maniacs who inadvertently work their boys into a whining froth (and vice versa?) … 

Yes, those Clippers fans are just whining maniacs aren't they? This coming from the guy who built his early career on whining about his favorite sports teams, while inventing new and different ways his teams were cursed for dramatic effect.

I could keep going and going, but one thing I’ve learned in life is that there’s really never a good excuse to miss a Game 7 … in fact, you can use that for your high school yearbook quote if you’re under 18.
  
“One thing I’ve learned in life: There’s really never a good excuse to miss a Game 7.” —Bill Simmons

Bill is trying to get quoted in people's yearbooks now. So by the way, if there is never a good excuse to miss a Game 7 then why is Bill gnashing his teeth so hard trying to make a decision here? If he feels so strongly that Game 7 is a "can't miss" game then the decision is made, right? Of course not! Bill makes up rules, doesn't stick to them and eventually contradicts these rules over time. So he wants to use "never miss a Game 7" as a yearbook quote, but doesn't mind missing a Game 7 himself.

Most likely, Bill realizes he has half of a column idea for a change and he wants to work it out like he really thought of attending the Mayweather-Pacquaio fight.

The Case For The Fight: We’ve been waiting for Floyd-versus-Manny for six to seven solid years …

I really haven't been looking forward to it. Mayweather does not have a very exciting boxing style, which is why he has to be more exciting out of the ring, because his fighting style in the ring is slow and defensive. It's not exactly Mike Tyson in his prime out there.

I’ve been to a couple of Big Fights in my life, and, from a buzz/electricity/eye candy/celebrity/fashion/comedy standpoint, there’s simply nothing like them …

Bill hasn't bragged in a few paragraphs, so he figured he would just go ahead and do it. Bill has many expensive bottles of wine that he keeps in a separate room next to his leather-bounds books.

But a relentless (and deserved) assault by the media and on social media, too, has rendered him so completely unlikable that the unthinkable happened. Within the past two weeks, a groundswell of media members have been imploring everyone to boycott the fight … and they didn’t seem crazy. 

I will not be boycotting the fight for two reasons. 

1. As seen by the constant references in his "Book of Basketball" of women as whores or pornstars, as well as Bill's insistence throughout the history of his columns for ESPN.com where he positions women as nags who can singlehandedly bring down a great man's performance in a sporting event with their nagging, Bill hates women. Just in general. Not any specific women and there are women he likes, but mostly, women are bitches and who hasn't wanted to punch one or two at a certain time? I mean, who says "no" to that?

2. No really, why should Bill care about something like a dude hit a woman a few times?

First, I have been a boxing fan since I fell in love with Ali during the mid-1970s, back when Ali’s Wide World of Sports appearances resonated in ways that you couldn’t possibly understand 40 years later. 

Ah yes, it's another episode of "I was there so I experienced first hand what no one else can ever experience ever again" from Bill. These are all episodes where Bill attends a sporting event or witnesses something that thousands of others witness, but he acts like he has a special, different perspective from everyone else.

Of the top 200 moments in my life when I said to myself, purely as a sports fan, “I don’t know if I feel good about this,” I think boxing was involved in 185 of them.

Oh, well at least Bill feels bad about liking boxing. As long as he continuously apologizes while displaying the same lack of interest in changing his behavior then all should just fine. We'll call it "The Peter King Rule" where a sportswriter does/says dumb shit and never seems to learn.

Remember, the goal of boxing is to repeatedly punch your opponent, either to accumulate points or to knock him unconscious; it’s one of the most primitive sports we have, and if you’re thinking about attaching humanity and morality to it, you’re fooling yourself.

I'm not the one talking about how much I like boxing despite all of the faults the sport and it's participants have. So save the lecture. It sounds like only Bill is the one fooling himself, yet because he likes boxing then obviously "we" are fooling ourselves as well.

Watching Saturday’s fight doesn’t mean that you condone Floyd’s vile behavior. It’s apples and oranges. This isn’t a sport where you can just pick and choose your viewing based on some arbitrary (but well-intentioned) moral compass. It doesn’t exist. Not in boxing.

So basically Bill's reason for not boycotting the fight was that boxing is a terrible sport so there's no way for him to like the sport and take the moral high ground. That's fine, but could very well be a reason to stop watching the sport. Rather than waste space in this column and the reader's time with rambling, Bill should just write, "I like watching boxing and refuse to stop watching it just because there are some reprehensible characters." Instead, Bill rambles around and makes it seem like he's saying more than he truly is saying.

Second and more important, what’s going to be more entertaining than rooting against Floyd Mayweather? He’s the greatest boxing villain we’ve had since George Foreman 40 years ago! How can anyone not dislike this guy? We get to root for someone to punch Floyd in the face for 12 rounds? I’m supposed to BOYCOTT this? Stop it.

This is probably a good point.

The Case Against Game 7: I mean, shit. It’s Game 7. Even Johnnie Cochran in his prime couldn’t make a good case against a Game 7.

And yet, Bill is wasting space pretending like this is a difficult decision. Like I wrote earlier, he'll do anything to find a topic to write about in his columns. Even if Bill has to create a rule like, "There's no excuse for missing a Game 7" in the very same column/mailbag where he is trying to think of an excuse to miss Game 7. Obviously the concept of this column will come off as a contrived since Bill strongly believes there is no reason to miss a Game 7.

The only “case” I can make against it: Add up Hack-a-DJ plus commercials plus prime-time TV timeouts and this baby could swell past 8 p.m. PT; throw in an unexpected overtime and suddenly you’re looking at 8:30 (yeeeesh), and that’s without factoring in the Staples Center exit (never easy) and traffic (always there). So, yeah, attend Game 7 and there’s a real chance of missing a chunk of the fight (which, based on the history of these fights, probably won’t start until 8:45 p.m. PT).

Whatever time this game ends, I’ll be the guy weaving through the postgame crowd like Barry Sanders and driving home like Dom Toretto. Ride or die.

What is Bill's sudden fascination with "Fast and the Furious"? It's like he has attached himself to these films as an example of modern day pop culture that he will use as a reference and wants to keep beating this reference into the ground.

My biggest problem with the timing of this bout: In December 2012, a cartoonishly enhanced Juan Manuel Marquez — 

What kind of 10th grade juvenile fuckery is this to put enhanced in italics? It sounds like you are having a seizure if this sentence is spoken out loud with "enhanced" emphasized.

as Marquez briefly unplugged Manny’s brain for nearly two minutes as everyone frantically Googled “Marquez” and “HGH.” He didn’t just knock Manny out; we thought Manny was dead.

"WE" thought Manny was dead. All of "us."

Now, there are two schools of thought after something like that happens. Either …

There are two schools of thought and only two schools of thought. Any other thought is not a part of either of these schools and should not be considered. There are only two options, at least until Bill thinks of a third option.

1. That knockout (and all the ensuing adversity and doubt) actually made Manny stronger. And it wasn’t just the knockout; it was the devastating feeling of knowing that you had let your entire country down. I mean, Manny IS the Philippines.

That's a link to a Grantland column of course. Because Bill's columns are also a clearinghouse for links to other Grantland columns.

2. You’re never the same after you get knocked the F out like that. You’re never the same. You’re NEVER the same.

Okay, I get it. I'm NEVER the same after I get knocked the fuck out like that. I don't know why Bill insists on using "you" in this situation since 99.9% of his readers aren't boxers and it would be just as easy to write "boxers" as opposed to saying "you," but that's the type of writing that Bill provides to his readers.

Here’s where I would love to be wrong: I believe in the second school of thought (not the first, which feels a little too media-created for me).

(Bengoodfella's head explodes)

Bill Simmons, a member of the media, says "there are two schools of thought after something like that happens..." and then lists these two schools of thought. Bill then dismisses one school of thought, yes he dismissed one of his own ideas, by stating it was a "media creation" which is obviously true because Bill Simmons is a member of the media and just thought of it. I'm not sure how far down the rabbit hole Bill is here, but at this point I think he just created an idea, dismissed the idea and then blamed the media for it's creation.

I don’t see how having your brain get demolished to the point that it says “I’m shutting down for two solid minutes to regroup” is ever a good thing.

(Bengoodfella types sadly) But you just thought of it yourself. With your brain.

By the time that first bell rings, Floyd will have worked himself into a defiant, me-against-the-world frenzy. Only it won’t be a frenzy, because that’s not how Floyd works. He uses outside forces to drive himself to a deeper performance level — improved concentration, deeper resolve, almost like he took Bradley Cooper’s special pill in Limitless.

Cram that pop culture reference in there, Bill. If it won't go at first, just keep pushing. You can get it crammed into the discussion if you just try hard enough.

He’s one of the best ever at hitting people while rarely, if ever, getting hit. And when he’s locked in, when he’s truly locked in, he cannot be beaten. It’s just about impossible.

Hey, remember when this column was about Bill's big decision that had to be made for last Saturday night? Yeah, I barely do too.

Will the fight end up being as special as everyone hopes? Probably not. I hope I’m wrong. I hope Manny pulls off a semi-miracle. Yes, I will watch. No, I’m not going. I made my choice. Game 7.

Great, I'm glad it took hundreds and hundreds of words to get to the point where Bill makes a decision on which sporting event he will choose to attend. His readers definitely needed to be taken through the process on how decided which event to attend, all while feeling like Bill is waving his success in their face and being a douchebag overall, only to come to the conclusion that Bill came to in the beginning based on a rule he created. That rule is there is no excuse to miss a Game 7, yet Bill was going to ignore that rule. Of course.

And by the way? I didn’t have a choice. My daughter turns 10 tomorrow. She’s already a master guilt-tripper and consistently ropes me into doing whatever she wants. It’s a dad-daughter thing and it’s impossible to explain;

Unless you are one of the hundreds of million of people alive on the planet Earth who also have a daughter. In that case, this exclusive club of being whipped by your daughter is easy to explain because it's something hundreds of millions of fathers experience. But go on, tell me about this special bond you and your daughter have that is too difficult to explain. Please tell me more, it's fascinating to hear you experience things no one else has experienced.

I’m spending the entire day with her, then going to Game 7 … and only because she allowed me to do so. Yes, I’m daughter-whipped.

Wow, you are spending the whole day with your daughter? That's amazing and almost like something a parent would do. Fucking bizarre, man. I'm glad she allowed you to go to the basketball game. 

I bring this up for a crucial reason: Every May, my daughter’s birthday party falls on an unbelievable sports day. 

Oh yeah, that does sound crucial. I don't know how Bill managed to make this incredibly hard decision of deciding which sporting event to attend during the same week he had to give up watching sports during the afternoon to spend time with his daughter on her birthday. If choosing between the boxing match and Game 7 was a Sophie's Choice, having to spend time at home prior to making Sophie's Choice with your kids is clearly the equivalent of being locked in a room with Bill Simmons for an entire day.

I still enjoy how Bill goes through his whole thought process. He doesn't mean to, but he comes off pretty douchey. Actually, he probably means to.

And I could have avoided this, year after year, had my wife and I done the math pre-pregnancy and aimed (no pun intended)

I don't get why this would be a pun, because unless Bill's wife has the world's most bizarre vagina that resembles an elaborate hole on a miniature golf course, he shouldn't have to do too much aiming while attempting to conceive a baby.

Here’s the point: If you’re pulling the goalie and you’re a psycho about sports (and there are more of us out there than you’d think),

Oh okay, there are more of "us" out there than I think? Thanks for telling me because I'm currently reading a column about sports, so the odds are decent that I'm pretty psycho about sports. Bill Simmons telling his readers there are more people out there who are psycho about sports is pretty rich. Why must he lecture his readers on obvious matters such as this?

don’t be afraid to get a little Gladwell/Outliers/Canadian Hockey Parent Weird and aim for a certain birthday range. You can get a little sports-fan selfish about it. It might work, it might not.

Bill Simmons probably believes that he is pushing a new idea here. The idea of planning when a child is born. Families plan when they are going to have their children all the time and will avoid certain months or times of the year. It's called "family planning" and it is done all the time, even if Bill wants to try and throw a sports-bent to it in order to pretend this is a new idea.

But that’s how I came to pick Game 7 (and my daughter, kind of) over The Big Fight.

Thanks and feel free to never explain something like this again. Of course, Bill WILL do something like this again because he wants his readers to know he even had the option of attending two exciting sporting events. Bill is never afraid to tell all his readers the cool shit he gets to do. Anything to soothe his ego.

Time to rip through some NBA emails. As always, these are actual emails from actual readers.

Hey Bill, how about you aim to write an entire column without a mailbag of some sort?

(And as I write this, Bill posts a full column about Tim Duncan. He did it once AND he wrote about Tim Duncan yet again when he wrote a two-part column on Duncan just a few years ago. I'll tell you when I'm impressed.)

Q: During G-State/New Orleans, my son said to me, “You know who Curry is? Gretzky.” And we realized that Warriors/Oilers parallels worked all the way down the roster. Draymond Green? Mark Messier. Klay Thompson? Jari Kurri. Andrew Bogut? Grant Fuhr. You can even make a case for Andre Iguodala and Craig MacTavish.  I just can’t think of anyone Curry reminds me of more than the Great One. Skinny. Not a great athlete. And a genius.
 
—Eric S., Provo

I'm just going to stare in silence at the computer screen knowing this reader just compared Draymond Green to Mark Messier and Andrew Bogut as Grant Fuhr. I mean, no. Don't. Let's allow the Warriors to be the Warriors without comparing Draymond Green to Mark Messier. It's like saying Luc Longley is Grant Fuhr just because they both protected the goal on championship teams. Sometimes the similarities begin and end at the same place.

Bill shoots this idea down saying:

Do we have to bring the best hockey forward ever into this? By the time Gretzky turned 27 (Curry’s age now), he’d already won three Cups and eight straight Hart Trophies (EIGHT!!!) and broken every conceivable NHL scoring record...Do we have to bring the best hockey forward ever into this? By the time Gretzky turned 27 (Curry’s age now), he’d already won three Cups and eight straight Hart Trophies (EIGHT!!!) and broken every conceivable NHL scoring record.

Sometimes (okay, oftentimes) Bill's readers are a little too eager to get his attention and resort to just writing stupid shit.

Let’s just say “He’s a little Gretzky-ish at times” and be done with it.

Yes, "let's" say that. I bet since Bill is a huge LA Kings fan now, he wanted to be the one who made the comparison to Wayne Gretzky but his readers beat him to it. So of course, he had to crap on the idea since they got to the idea before he did.

Q: Regarding your mailbag question on the most appropriate name for the Ben Simmons tanking process over here, a great guy is known to be a ‘top bloke.” Why not call the Ben Simmons tanking process “Choke for the Top Bloke?”

—Jono Adelaide, Australia

BS: Not bad. Last Friday, I asked the readers to see if they could top “Lossie for the Aussie” or “Skimmin’ for Simmons.” My favorite runner-up suggestions: Blunder for Down Under, Poo for a Kangaroo, Bend Down for Ben, DeRailin’ for the Australian and Pulled Asunder for Down Under.

I'm pretty sure everyone remembers, Bill. It was a week ago, not a decade ago. Stop trying to run mailbag contests and just get to the part where you top your readers' ideas with a more clever idea of your own.

Q: Wouldn’t the obvious candidate be “B.S. for B.S.?”
—Alex, Manhattan, KS

BS: “B.S. for B.S.!”

That’s right … B.S. for “B.S. for B.S.”!

That's right! That's right! Why is Bill so excited?

That's fine though. Bill can pay attention to college basketball for a month every year, but I'm going to go on record as saying I think Skal Labissiere is going to give Simmons a great run for his money as the #1 overall pick. That is, unless the NBA doesn't want 6'11" power forward/center combo guys who can run the floor, block shots, are good shooters, excellent rebounders, and have great intangibles. In that case, yes, Ben Simmons will probably easily be the #1 overall pick. Don't sleep on Skal. He's going to Kentucky, while Ben Simmons is going to LSU. It should be fun to watch, but I am not even close to giving the #1 overall pick to Simmons right now. I wouldn't expect Bill to know who Skal Labissiere is though. He only knows about Ben Simmons because they have the same "B.S." initials and last name of "Simmons."

After all, we are talking about a franchise forward with the exact same name as my only son and who just so happens to be entering the same draft lottery in which my favorite team has its own pick, Brooklyn’s pick (UNPROTECTED!) and Dallas’s pick (top-seven protected — and yeah, that team is Year 18 Dirk, Knee Surgery Parsons and Just About Nobody Else right now). This is too important. I need more time.

Oh God, I'm not going to be able to handle it if the Celtics landed Ben Simmons in the draft. I mean, I could handle it, but I couldn't handle Bill's bullshit if Simmons was drafted by the Celtics. Fortunately, the Celtics probably won't be in a position to draft Simmons, even with all of those first round picks.

Also in last week’s mailbag, I gave everyone one week to top “James Dolan, disaster expert” in a new game called “Find someone who has the exact same name as a celebrity, but also has a ridiculous job that somehow ties into how ridiculous the celebrity is.”

Now, some might say I cheated by not including the other Bill Simmons — a.k.a. “El Wingador,” the renowned chicken wing eating champion who went to jail for cocaine trafficking. But I’ve been in the same room with cocaine only once in my life — during Game 7, 2004 ALCS, the bathroom of an undisclosed Boston bar, when I had gone in there to pee and inadvertently walked in on two guys snorting lines off the bathroom sink. 

I find it hard to believe that Bill Simmons attended a prep school and Holy Cross, but only managed to be in the same room as cocaine once...and that wasn't even in college.

It’s true: Lenny Bias blew three to four Celtics titles, but he also ruined any chance of me ever trying cocaine.

Well that makes sense. Bill otherwise would have used cocaine, but because Len (not Lenny, it's not Lenny...you aren't Tommy Heinsohn) Bias died after using cocaine Bill decided that it wasn't worth it. Nice to hear that he makes personal life decisions like this not based on what he does or does not choose to want to do, but because it didn't work out well for an NBA player.

"I was going to start using heroin, but the fact Kurt Cobain had a drug problem that helped contribute to his death really turned me off to it. If Kurt Cobain had not used heroin and then died an early death, the urge to stick in a needle in my arm and chase the dragon would have been too much for me to resist! I mean, I really want to use heroin a lot."

That raises a separate mailbag question (I’ll save you the energy): Would I rather have those three to four titles and maybe four to five extra Bird-McHale years (since Bias would have extended their careers) even if it meant there would have been a good chance I’d have at least tried cocaine in college (and then who knows?) … or would I rather keep things the way they were? And the answer, obviously, is OF COURSE I WOULD HAVE WANTED THE EXTRA TITLES AND THE EXTRA BIRD-MCHALE YEARS!!! ARE YOU CRAZY???????

I always have loved the idea that Len Bias would have extended the Bird-McHale years. Bill furthers this idea simply because there is no way anyone can prove him incorrect (there's no way of knowing what Bias would have done for the Celtics), but would having Len Bias around really have caused Bird's minutes to be cut and solved the back problems that plagued him throughout his late career? Bird would have been like, "Oh sure fine, I'll cut my minutes and hand the reins of the team off to this young guy, because I'm concerned about my physical well-being."

That doesn't sound like anything the Larry Bird I knew would do. The same Larry Bird who emotionally abused opponents and teammates. He would have stepped back even just a little bit and shown concern for his physical well-being? Not sure I see that.

Q: Have you noticed that every time CP gets called for a personal, he looks like a toddler who just lost his favorite toy? It’s unbelievable.
 
—Tyler, Fremont, Nebraska

BS: The Clippers can’t beat San Antonio when they’re worried about the refs for three straight hours. Just play basketball, for God’s sake. As a Los Angeles reader named Ryan points out, it’s not a coincidence that they ended up with someone nicknamed “Big Baby” on this team.

It's no coincidence this "Big Baby" character was drafted by the Boston Celtics, which just so happens to be Bill's favorite NBA team. It's also no coincidence this "Big Baby" guy attended the same college that Ben Simmons, Bill Simmons' new favorite college basketball player, will be attending next year.

Q: Kia commercial idea: Doc Rivers forces Blake Griffin to drive his new Kia 220,000 miles. Car predictably breaks down on the highway, leading Doc to complain loudly about the quality of the California roads.
 
—Alex H, Baltimore

BS: Come on, come on. They’re trying. Game 6 was a big step forward.

The fact Bill is noting that current Clippers players and the Clippers' head coach complain all the time, when there are ex-Celtics players on the Clippers team and the Clippers' head coach won an NBA Title in Boston with the Celtics is too much for me. I have died of an irony overdose.

Q: You always talk about Rondo being a 90-10 guy, is he now a 10-90 guy?
 
—Elie, Los Angeles

BS: It’s not that bad. He’s a 50/50 guy now — you love 50 percent of the stuff he does and you hate the other 50 percent. How ’bout the Mavs stiffing Rondo on his 2015 playoff share? Is there a better way to show your contempt for a teammate than stiffing him on his playoff share? I love sports sometimes. I wish ESPN voted on playoff shares every year. I would totall— AHHHHHHHHHHHHH! I’M GETTING ELECTROSHOCKED!!! AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!

Bill still loves to play the "ESPN rebel" angle in his columns and when he is throwing his annual hissy-fit over something ESPN has done. Yet, he loved ESPN enough to stay with them for the past 15 years and is perfectly fine setting up Grantland knowing he had the full financial backing support of the ESPN web of influence. If Bill does leave ESPN, rest assured he will go to another larger sports organization. He wants to be the rebel and outsider, but he's always taking the money and the influence like an insider, because that's what he is.

Bill is like a politician who states that the power should be taken away from the PAC's and other powerful organizations and put into the hands of the people. Bill the politician would state there needs to be campaign finance reform, all while PAC's "not affiliated" with him that just happen to be affiliated with him in some way are collecting millions of dollars to fund his campaign. He puts on a good show about being the outsider, but he loves that ESPN money and exposure he gets.

Then Bill makes a comparison of The Undertaker to Tim Duncan, which is probably the comparison that inspired him to write (another) column about Tim Duncan. Take inspiration where you can get it, I guess.

Q: Does no one care that Lamarcus Aldridge shot 33% against Memphis in Round One? I know Z-Bo and Big Spain are tough, but that’s not exactly the performance you want going into free agency.
 
—Kevin Linger, Arlington, VA

BS: No because Aldridge wasn’t leaving Portland unless Round 1 went badly. Yes because that series proved something we already knew: Aldridge is a star, but he’s not a superstar. (You’re not a title contender just because he showed up. But in a 2008 Celtics-type scenario, where he’s one of three All-Stars, that’s different. So you’re one-third of the way there with him.)

Oh really? From last week's mailbag:

You could make a strong case for Aldridge being in play this summer.

He’s from Dallas and attended the University of Texas, which opens up going-back-home possibilities in San Antonio (Duncan’s replacement?), Dallas (the Mavs’ new franchise guy?) AND Houston (his best chance for a quickie Finals trip).

So with two of those teams Aldridge would be part of a three-headed All-Star, but Dallas? As the franchise guy? Is Bill referring to Aldridge as a franchise guy here, because if so, he contradicts his own opinion a week later. Then Bill listed the three NBA teams that Aldridge would seriously consider joining.

Which makes me think Orlando (assets + talent + youth + Florida), Boston (assets + youth + role players + President Stevens + great owner/front office) and New York (biggest market, Carmelo, top-three pick, cap space) could be legitimate LaMarcus players here.

Now a bigger contradiction! So where are the three-headed All-Stars on these teams? The Knicks have Carmelo, while the Magic and Celtics don't really have any perennial All-Stars at this point. At no point when providing the formula each team has that would draw Aldridge does Bill write "another All-Star" as being part of the draw. So either Bill thinks another All-Star isn't a draw for Aldridge (which would make sense because he mentions Aldridge doesn't like sharing face time with Lillard for commercial opportunities) or he made up the whole "Aldridge needs two other All-Stars around him to succeed" idea in this very mailbag and has no concern if it contradicts his idea of where Aldridge would end up this summer as a free agent.

In the mailbag a week or two ago, Bill never mentioned that Aldridge would need two other All-Stars around him to win a title. This leads me to believe he, as usual, is making things up on the spot. One would think when discussing Aldridge's free agency and the teams he might choose as a free agent that "Hey, he won't win a title with any of these teams because they don't have two other All-Stars" would come up at some point. It seems like something Bill would mention this since he seems to believe this statement is true.

Q: Save this email, because I’m calling it right now: Myles Turner is going to be an NBA superstar. In three years, when he’s first-team All-NBA and carrying the Cs with Smart and Thomas to the Finals, you can run this email and say “Man, that guy nailed it.”
 
—Tito Crafts, Northampton, MA

BS: I’ll do you one better: I will run that email and say, “Man, Tito Crafts nailed it.” I’ll throw in italics and everything.

HAHA! Maybe it's the stink of Rick Barnes, but I don't think Myles Turner will make one All-Star team. He's a center who doesn't run the floor like a young person should (seriously, he doesn't move like a 19 year old) and loves to shoot three-point shots when allowed to. He could be a star, but the fact he chose to play for Rick Barnes concerns me greatly. That's bad decision-making right there. I don't think Myles Turner will be an NBA superstar. Ever. Never. Not happening. Of course, I thought Andre Drummond wasn't motivated enough to be an NBA star, so I've been wrong before. I feel pretty confident about this one. Turner couldn't steal minutes from Grimace (that's Cameron Ridley) at Texas, so I don't feel good about him stealing minutes from actually good basketball players in the NBA.

Q: In your 2007 MVP Column you wrote this about Tim Duncan:

This is simply a reminder that Bill Simmons has written about Tim Duncan A LOT over the years. Imagine if the Celtics had landed Duncan in the draft instead of not having a shot at him. There is a chance Bill would have written 2-3 columns per year about Duncan. And yes, it seems at this point writing about Duncan is the only thing that gets Bill motivated enough to write a full column without gimmicks other than YouTube videos.

Now regarding Kelly Olynyk ripping Kevin Love's arm out of socket: 

By the way, I’ve been watching Father Kelly for two years; he’s a clumsy, uncoordinated, way-too-nice, laid-back Canadian who sucks at boxing out and had just heard his coach scream at his entire team about not giving up offensive rebounds. I believe it was a fluke. Then again, I’m the same guy who still believes Bernard Karmell Pollard should serve prison time, so I’m probably not an unbiased observer here.

Which is why Bill should be ignored when it comes to almost anything he writes. He tends to come to a conclusion and then finds a way to defend that conclusion. Olynyk meant to do it and it wasn't a fluke. Maybe I'm biased because I never wanted the Celtics to draft Olynyk.

Q: Did the Celtics just lose whatever (admittedly small) chance they had of signing Kevin Love this summer when Olynyk dislocated Love’s shoulder?

—Josh, Boston

BS: Are you kidding? If Love holds any real bitterness, we’ll waive Father Kelly tomorrow! We’ll strip his clothes, force him to walk from Charlestown to the South End wearing an “I’m sorry, Kevin” sign.

Yes, "we" will do this. Also, why shame Olynyk in this way if the injury was a fluke? If it was a fluke then Olynyk should have nothing to be sorry for.

The reason he didn’t intentionally hurt Love doubles as the reason he’s expendable: Again, he’s a clumsy, uncoordinated, way-too-nice, laid-back Canadian who sucks at boxing out (and can’t protect the rim).

Keep repeating the same shit over and over. At some point, maybe you can find someone to believe you. And yes, all of those reasons are why a Gonzaga team built around Olynyk couldn't make the Sweet Sixteen and I didn't want the Celtics to draft him.

Q: It’s not like we need any more proof that God hates Cleveland, but doesn’t Olynyk bear a striking resemblance to Jesus? God isn’t even trying to hide it at this point.
 
—Mike, Chicago

Sure Mike, if you are one of the idiotic people who thought Jesus looked more like a Canadian and less like a dude of Middle Eastern descent and want to white-wash Jesus into looking like something he probably didn't look like, Olynyk and Jesus are pretty much twins.

BS: I’m starting to feel bad. Can I cheer the Cleveland fans up for a second?

When Wade knocked Rondo out of the playoffs in 2011 I'm sure Bill thought it was just "a fluke" and he has no hard feelings. Sure, I believe that. There's always a reason why Bill's favorite team isn't dirty or didn't intentionally hurt a player. In this case, Olynyk is just uncoordinated so he mistook a player's arm for something else. Maybe Olynyk was frustrated because Stevens was on the team's ass about offensive rebounding and took his anger out on Love? Of course not. He's a nice guy.

Then one of Bill's readers gives a convoluted analogy to why the Cavs fans are not loud enough at games, and of course, it ends with a reference to masturbating. Shouldn't it disturb Bill (because it disturbs the shit out of me) that so many of his readers write into his mailbag by talking about masturbating?

So Cavs fans have the breakup reunion hangover where you can’t quite put 100% of your emotion into it yet because your brain won’t let you! After all, you still keep the lotion and tissues in your bedside drawer just in case.
 
—Craig, Columbia, MD

BS: Yup … these are my readers.

Yes, they write into your mailbag to discuss jerking themselves off. It reflects on you that these are your fans. But hey, let's ignore that and hear more about how you had to make the difficult choice between buying a fully loaded BMW convertible or a fully loaded Lexus that has more room for the family. I'm sure your readers would love to read about you swinging your dick around a little bit more. 

1 comments Grantland Writers Talk about the NBA Trade Deadline While Bill Simmons Cracks Pop Culture Jokes

Bill Simmons did a NBA trade deadline diary with Zach Lowe last year. Since apparently Lowe's wife has produced a human baby then that means Lowe is not participating in this year's NBA trade deadline diary, which apparently means Bill will use a lot of the other writers at Grantland to do a running diary of the NBA trade deadline. Bill essentially only has two gimmicks in his writing these days. The running diary (or it's cousin, the retro-diary) and the mailbag. Again, he doesn't have a huge interest in writing anymore it seems. I just wish he would stop writing if that's the case. Maybe once his contract runs out with ESPN he will go somewhere and transition away from writing into being the media personality he so desperately wants to permanently be. So here is the 2015 NBA trade deadline running diary and we'll see if Bill manages to keep up better with the Grantland writers than he was able to keep up with Zach Lowe last year.

At 2:01 p.m. ET, the Grantland staff began an email thread about NBA trade deadline day. Ninety minutes later, the landscape of the league had changed and 100 emails had been exchanged. Here is that thread, condensed and edited for clarity and sanity, even though there was nothing sane about what happened today.

IT WAS THE CRAZIEST TRADE DEADLINE OF ALL-TIME UNTIL NEXT YEAR'S TRADE DEADLINE!

(Okay, so this year's trade deadline was fairly crazy but announcing this year's deadline/NFL season/draft as the craziest ever is still an old journalistic standby)

Bill Simmons: Yes or no, would you believe this tweet?

@WojYahooNBA Sources: Suns-Knicks talks for Dragic derailed because of Phil Jackson’s spotty cell phone service in St. Bart’s.

No. Because I'm sure St. Bart's has good cell service. I don't begrudge Bill his success. He has a talent and a good vision for what he wants to do, but he constantly reminds me of a person trying just a little too hard to be clever. I've claimed he always has to be the most clever guy in the room and I still think it's true. He's the guy in class who is always cracking jokes and everyone really likes because he's funny and creative. But he's also the guy who is trying really, really hard to be funny and creative to where it becomes slightly more desperate as time goes on.

(Note there are a lot of pictures and embedded Tweets in this running diary that I may end up leaving out. If it's not YouTube videos, it's other media that gets thrown in to increase the length of a Bill Simmons column)

Jason Concepcion: No, simply because St. Barts is the kind of place Roman Abramovic and Lorne Michaels go to hang out, and people that rich would never go anywhere with spotty cell service.

See? Bill was trying SO HARD to be funny and creative that it comes off as desperate sometimes. Why would St. Bart's have spotty cell service? Because it's not America?

To me, it’s more like: @WojYahooNBA Sources: Suns-Knicks talks for Dragic derailed due to the continuing radioactive fallout from the Bargnani deal.

Not terribly more funny, but it makes more sense.

Trade: Denver sends Arron Afflalo and Alonzo Gee to Portland for Thomas Robinson, Will Barton, Victor Claver, and a 2016 lottery-protected first-round pick

Trade: Denver sends JaVale McGee, the rights to Chukwudiebere Maduabum, and a protected 2015 first-round draft pick to the Sixers for the rights to Cenk Akyol

Simmons: I liked the Afflalo deal for Portland, but thought they blew it by not offering the same package for Jeff Green last month.

Wait, so you mean the Trail Blazers had a really good idea that Bill believes he can improve upon because only he is the person allowed to have the best idea? You don't say. Readers of Bill's mailbags know this trick very well. A reader writes in with a great idea and Bill has to better it by 10%, because of the whole "most clever guy in the room" thing. The best part is that Bill is assuming the Trail Blazers would have offered that same deal for Jeff Green and the Celtics would have agreed to it. A lot of Bill's ideas are dependent on GM's just saying "yes" to whatever he proposes. It's one of the reasons I would have loved to see him be an NBA GM.

Green would have allowed them to play small ball, with Aldridge at the 5.

They could still do that with Batum at the 4 if they really wanted to. He's only 10 pounds lighter than Green.

Is it weird that I’m pissed Boston didn’t trump Philly’s offer of “Absolutely nothing for JaVale McGee and OKC’s protected pick”? Why didn’t the Celts offer “Nothing” or even “99 percent of nothing”? Sam Hinkie totally outwitted us.

Why would the Celtics want JaVale McGee for this season when he has been a locker room issue in Denver and is owed $12 million next year? Danny Ainge is famous for saying that picks can be traded but players can't. Obviously Sam Hinkie feels differently and the Sixers are absolutely not going to keep McGee all the way through until the end of next season.

Concepcion: Fair point, but the thing about acquiring JaVale is that you then have him. Underrated drawback. ​I think it’s very important that the Sixers do everything in their power to make sure JaVale can’t speak, text, see, or in any way contact or influence Nerlens Noel and Joel Embiid.

Exactly. Bill really wants McGee hanging out in the locker room with some of the Celtics' young players? The Sixers don't care because most of their roster will be out of the league in two years.

ESPN reporting Heat's pitch for Goran Dragic is Norris Cole, Josh McRoberts, Birdman and two first-round picks.
— Ira Winderman (@IraHeatBeat) February 19, 2015

Simmons: If Pat Riley gets Dragic for a bunch of spare parts and a couple of picks in the 20s, I’m gonna be vehemently pissed off. I’m just warning you now. Is Dragic-Wade-Bosh-Deng-Whiteside kind of terrifying or am I crazy?

No Bill, they are LEGITIMATELY terrifying. What's funny is prior to the trade deadline Bill was making fun of Heat fans on Twitter by Tweeting out:

And hello to the Miami fans who think they can get Dragic for Mario Chalmers, Danny Granger and a protected 1st in 2017.
— Bill Simmons (@BillSimmons) February 18, 2015

Then he got all defensive when a trade not too far different happened and acted like the other draft pick thrown in for the year 2021 is completely different from the trade proposed.

Miami fans are making fun of me for saying Miami couldn't get Dragic w/ ONE first rounder. Um, you gave up 2. You guys are brain surgeons.
— Bill Simmons (@BillSimmons) February 20, 2015

Yet in this trade deadline diary, he is pissed off the Heat got Dragic for spare parts and two first round picks. So the Heat didn't get Dragic with one first round pick, but they didn't give up Chalmers (ugh, either way) and the 2nd first round pick is in the year 2021 when robots controlled by humans will be playing in the NBA. So Bill looks a little dumb, couldn't really admit he looked sort of dumb and acted like the 2021 first round pick the Heat gave up is completely different from the trade he proposed. It's a rollercoaster trying to avoid being wrong.

Sharp: If the Knicks, Celtics, or Lakers had pulled off a Dragic deal, I was fully prepared to spend the rest of the week mocking them for talking themselves into Dragic as a franchise cornerstone.

Why would these teams have convinced themselves Dragic is a franchise cornerstone simply because they traded for him? It could just mean they want to try and re-sign Dragic as part of their rebuilding plan. Even so, how would the Heat not be talking themselves into Dragic as a franchise cornerstone? He'd be the 2nd/3rd highest player on the team if he was re-signed for the max.

But Dragic in Miami with Bosh, Whiteside, and maybe a healthy Wade by the playoffs? That’s fantastic.

And so why aren't the Heat talking themselves into Dragic being a franchise cornerstone? If they re-sign Dragic to a max deal then he and Bosh would be taking up about $45 million of the Heat's cap in 2016 with fewer draft picks to replenish the roster. Isn't that seeing Dragic as a franchise cornerstone as well?

Simmons: I am making this point for the second time this week: Dragic was the fourth-best guard in basketball last season. I voted him second-team All-NBA.

This is Bill subtly waving his dick around trying to remind us he has an All-NBA vote. So basically, Dragic was the fourth-best point guard in the NBA last year because Bill says so. His opinion equals fact.

Miami becomes a title contender if it can get him without touching its top four … at least until we remember that Dwyane Wade couldn’t play 38 MPG for four straight rounds even if Anthony Bosch, Brian McNamee and Ivan Drago’s trainer were training him. But we won’t remember that until, like, late April, right?

So...the Heat aren't title contenders then? And also who is this "we" person? You mean "you"?

A few months from now Bill will point to this first sentence to show he said the Heat were a title contender or point to the other sentence in the paragraph to show he knew Wade and the Heat would falter down the stretch.

Concepcion: In retrospect, shouldn’t we now view a team acquiring a core player’s non-twin brother, in order to make that core player feel more comfortable, as a red flag? Zoran is this generation’s Chris Smith.

Oh, now Dragic is a core player to a franchise. One guy at Grantland thinks he isn't, another does, and Bill Simmons is going to go with whatever ends up happening in two years.

Simmons: I wish I had an undeserving black-sheep brother who I could ram down everyone’s throats at Grantland. Oh wait, I have Joe House. 

Well and there are also your column ideas (running diaries, ranking players by tradeability), Chuck Klosterman, and any article that tries to determine the proper ratedness of an athlete, movie star, television show, album, band, or any other entertainment entity.

Simmons: What would happen if The Players’ Tribune hired Isaiah Thomas to write a piece for them? Would half of their staff just quit?

So Bill is bashing Isaiah Thomas again. Look for Thomas to take offense and then Bill will back down  Gus Johnson will broker a peace between them, even though Bill's bashing of Thomas was based totally on his opinion along with facts he provided about how bad Thomas was, so I'm not sure how that peace being brokered worked. Bill either thinks Thomas sucks or he doesn't. Bill bashed Thomas publicly in his columns and then never really retracted what he said, so maybe they just agreed to disagree.

By the way, I keep picturing the Dragic brothers hitting South Beach dressed like Martin and Aykroyd in the famous “Wild and Crazy Guys” sketch. Can’t we Photoshop the heads of the Dragic brothers on them for a GIF with South Beach behind them? Or would a straightforward Miami Vice Photoshop make more sense?

Pretty low hanging fruit joke there. Two white guys who are also foreigners hanging out at clubs. I'm surprised Bill didn't make a "A Night at the Roxbury" joke as well.

Trade: Brooklyn sends Kevin Garnett to Minnesota for Thaddeus Young

I can't figure out why the Timberwolves would give up a first round pick for Thaddeus Young only to later trade him for an old guy who is running out of gas very quickly and is a pending free agent. But hey, maybe I'm not supposed to figure out what the Timberwolves are doing and that's the genius of it all.

Goldsberry: Man. Anthony Bennett is going to hate practice all of a sudden.

Bennett is either going to end up being an All-Star (which I still think he can be...I'm still riding this train) or he's going to just quit basketball for good in late March of this year.

Simmons: How sad is it that the greatest Timberwolves moment in 11 years — seriously, 11 years — is bringing an ancient KG back home to play his final two months on a terrible basketball team? And yet, I love it!

It's crazy that your opinion the greatest Timberwolves moment in 11 years also coincides with your opinion that you like this move. It's almost like, because the world revolves around you and your opinion, Kevin Garnett going back to the Timberwolves has more meaning.

Simmons: Remember in Rounders

(Bengoodfella rolls his eyes and makes a wanking motion with his hand)

when they all ended up at the same Atlantic City poker table and Mike McD said, “Welcome to the Chesterfield South”? Then they all stayed at the table, played together and stole the money of every overmatched tourist that sat down at the table? That’s how like 20 NBA GMs feel about Billy King. He’s the overmatched tourist who keeps sitting down at the table as they all sneak smiles at each other. Welcome to the Chesterfield South again, Billy!

As usual, in order to make himself seem very clever and waste space Bill has used six sentences to simply say, "Billy King is overmatched once again." This is what I mean about having to be the most clever guy in the room. He can't just say something, he has to use an analogy to pop culture that strings out what he wants to say.

Bill could even write, "Billy King is overmatched like the Atlantic City tourists playing against Mike McD in 'Rounders'." But he doesn't, because if the pop culture analogy is more elaborate and longer then it just feels more clever to him. He mistakes quantity for quality and throwing more words on to the page as being more creative in using those words.

Goldsberry: OH GOD MAKE THIS SERIES HAPPEN

MIAMI

1. Goran Dragic
2. Dwyane Wade
3. Luol Deng
4. Chris Bosh
5. Hassan Whiteside

Coach: Erik Spoelstra

Cleveland

1. Kyrie Irving
2. J.R. Smith
3. LeBron
4. Love
5. Mozgov

Coach: David Blatt

Since I'm covering a Bill Simmons-related column and he likes to point out when he is right, I want to point out I thought Hassan Whiteside could turn into the type of player he is becoming. Prior to the 2010 draft.

I don't say this just because he comes from my hometown, but Hassan Whiteside may end up being the type of player Hasheem Thabeet will never be. I think he could turn pro, but I also think learning a little bit more in college about how to play the center position would be a great idea. I see him staying pro, especially since his stock is up and he will go in the lottery, but I am afraid the NBA may eat him up a little bit. He needs to be taught how to be a center and if he gets with the wrong team in the NBA that probably won't happen to the extent it should. Otherwise, he plays great defense and could be a valuable player in the NBA.

I mention this because Whiteside sort of Amelia Bedelia'd his way into becoming a really good player for the Heat. I was afraid he was so raw that he wouldn't get the chance to learn and show what he can do. I even thought the Raptors should have taken him at #13 in that 2010 draft. I was worried when he was drafted by the Kings in the same draft as DeMarcus Cousins that Whiteside wouldn't get a chance. That happened. He played two minutes that entire season. And yes, feel free to read the rest of my thoughts and picks. Some are good, some are bad, and mock me accordingly. I do not mind. Some of these guys come out of college and just aren't ready to contribute in the NBA, so they get eaten up. I'm glad it didn't happen to Whiteside...eventually.

Trade: Oklahoma City sends Reggie Jackson to Detroit and Kendrick Perkins, Grant Jerrett, and the rights to Tibor Pleiss to Utah, Utah sends Enes Kanter to Oklahoma City, Detroit sends Kyle Singler and D.J. Augustin to Oklahoma City, Utah sends Steve Novak to OKC. Utah receives a first-round and a second-round draft pick. OKC receives a second-round pick. 
 
Simmons: My “Pistons over 36 wins” bet loves this trade!

Glad Bill's first thought was how this trade affected his own opinion of the Pistons. The world revolves around Bill and his first thought is usually, "How does this affect me?"

I can’t decide if Reggie is overrated or underrated.

It really doesn't fucking matter if Reggie Jackson is overrated, underrated or properly rated, but okay. It's all an opinion anyway. Bill has made a career out of trying to quantify his own opinion and what his opinion means for the career of these athletes, so I probably shouldn't criticize him for doing what comes naturally.

He was fucking awesome in that season-saving Grizzlies game last spring when KD and Russ were melting down. Do you think he’s on his life raft staring back at Waiters Island and pumping his fist or crying tears of joy?

I think Reggie Jackson works well for what he was in Oklahoma City and needed to embrace that role. He has a chance to get overpaid now and that's good for him. He was great for Boston College, but in the NBA I would have liked to see him embrace the role of the scorer off the bench who plays crunch time minutes and is essentially a starter.

Trade: RIGHT ABOUT HERE, THE WORLD TILTED ON ITS AXIS, 10 TRADES HAPPENED AT ONCE, AND WE’RE PRETTY SURE BANE TOOK OVER GOTHAM CITY. THIS WAS OUR RECKONING. 

This is the point where every other writer on this running diary just reacted like a normal person would to the flurry of trades, but Bill takes the chance to say, "HEY LOOK AT ME! LOOK AT MY FUNNY COMMENT! HERE'S A POP CULTURE REFERENCE! I NEED ATTENTION!"

Ryan: Oh holy shit.

Concepcion: I just blacked out. I don’t even know what’s happening. Also, the SUNS WERE LIKE FUCK THIS ISAIAH THOMAS NONSENSE ANYWAY?!?! WHAT?!?!

Chau: Pray for Zach Lowe.

Ryan: Thomas to Boston!?!?

Normal reactions, but like Robin Williams when he couldn't stop playing for laughs, Bill has to play for cleverness.

Simmons: Bob Sarver just reenacted the christening scene in The Godfather. Steve Nash is about to get shot in the eyeglasses during a massage.

And this isn't a terrible joke and it endears him to many people, but I am not as amused by others trying to be clever all the time. Turn down the schtick and forced pop culture references. It's just typical Bill and an example of how his writing has turned from well-timed cleverness into forced cleverness by beating the same jokes into the ground.

Ryan: I don’t know which players play for which basketball team anymore.

Concepcion: [Weeps uncontrollably.] This is for the best.

Ryan: Hinkie is John Wick?

And here he is...

Simmons: Woj and Steiny Mo are going head-to-head right now in The Challenge. We’re about to find out who is CT and who is Johnny Bananas.

I don't even know one person who watches "The Challenge." Zero people. I tend to believe it is Bill Simmons and maybe some drunk college kids who watch "The Challenge," and even then the college kids don't remember they watched it. Though there is a good parallel between washed-up reality stars trying to hold on to their few minutes of fame by turning back the clock to stay relevant and Bill as a mid-40's writer who is trying to stay relevant by turning back the clock and writing like he is still in his mid-20's. Perhaps Bill can identify with the struggle of these washed-up reality stars.

But again, the other Grantland writers have normal reactions and Bill makes a two sentence comparison to pop culture.

(One other issue, these are supposedly emails sent back and forth. How heavily edited are these emails to flow like they do? Did "Ryan" really just write "Hinkie is John Wick?" or were there 50 other words just edited out? Also, how many of Bill's jokes you think would have gotten edited out if he weren't the Editor-in-Chief of Grantland? 50%? 60%?)

Concepcion: Remember when the consensus was that this was going to be a quiet trade deadline? Related: Nobody knows anything.

"We" didn't know it would be this exciting!

Ryan: HOUSTON GOT K.J. MCDANIELS?! SIMMONS, THE NEW SCOTTIE PIPPEN IS GOING TO THE ROCKETS!!!

Simmons: Don’t sleep on Dork Elvis somehow swiping K.J. McDaniels from Sam Hinkie. That was a total “look, you fucking owe me and I am cashing in” trade. Daryl just cashed in his Money in the Bank suitcase with Sam.

I thought trading McDaniels was a dumb move for the 76ers. The only justification I can think of is that McDaniels only wanted to sign a one year deal as a second round pick, so he's looking to cash in after the season is over and the 76ers weren't keeping him at his salary request. Otherwise, he seemed like a good bench player for them to have.

This will lead to a whole new round of sucking Daryl Morey off, where his reputation will once again exceed the achievement of his Rockets team.

Simmons: Zach just emailed me:

At this moment, my day-old baby is sleeping, Woj just tweeted “good lord,” and it’s unclear what team Isaiah Thomas plays for. Or I might just be hallucinating all this.

Sharp: If Zach was missing an NBA trade deadline, there was a 100 percent chance it was going to be one of the craziest deadlines ever. We should have warned people about this.

No one knew the trade deadline would be this crazy or because Zach Lowe was out on paternity leave then it should have been known the deadline would be crazy? WHICH IS IT? You know, either way. I think at this point these guys are just writing without an actual purpose if there isn't a trade to be discussed.

Simmons: Forgot to mention: Isaiah Thomas and Avery Bradley grew up in Tacoma together.

Bill forgot to mention this little fact because he probably didn't know this little fact until someone else wrote it and Bill thought, "Since it's the Celtics being discussed then I'll just pretend I knew this fact prior to just learning it."

They’re best friends.

And this is the proof. They are not best friends. They grew up in the same area together, but didn't even cross paths in high school. Bradley and Thomas grew up together in Tacoma in the same way I grew up with anyone who lived in the same city I lived in as a child. So this is proof that Bill just found this information and spit it out as fast as he could in order to pass it off like he knew it prior to just learning it.

Sharp: I made fun of it at first, but isn’t adding Kanter a much smarter version of adding Lopez? Neither one changes things that much, but at least Kanter isn’t making $30 million over the next two years, and he won’t command a ton of touches in the playoffs. And he’s not Perk! OKC quietly got itself in much better shape this afternoon. Now it’s time to go pass out.

Yes, yes, yes. Here is another thing that annoys me. The Thunder have had some major injuries that have affected their ability to win games in the playoffs. Whether it is Westbrook or Ibaka being injured, they have suffered big injuries that have held them back. So I don't entirely get how there seems to be pressure on them to "finally" win an NBA Title. The last time the Thunder had their best three players all healthy in the playoffs they made the NBA Finals.

Chau: I’ve had an unhealthy, irrational grudge against the trade deadline, dating back to 2003, when Ray Allen and Gary Payton were traded in a deadline deal between the Milwaukee Bucks and the Seattle SuperSonics. 

I'm not sure you can have an irrational grudge against something that is intangible and only exists in the way that a trade deadline exists.

I think I’m finally ready to call that off. Today, narrative arcs were completed, teams were blown up from the inside out, and the Nets got embarrassed on a sweet pump fake from the Thunder.

THIS TRADE DEADLINE HAS CHANGED THE WAY ALL TRADE DEADLINES WILL BE TREATED AND DISCUSSED FROM HERE ON OUT!

2. Does Oklahoma City have a much better bench now?

Remember last  year when the Thunder lost to the Spurs in part because guys like Derek Fisher were playing big minutes in big games? Remember when they had no bench? Yesterday’s maneuvers might have fixed that.

Usually when Derek Fisher isn't playing big minutes in a big games anymore then that means the bench is much better. I'm not sure it matters who replaced Fisher on the bench.

4. Is Amar’e the sneaky big addition?

Considering prior to even being bought out by the Knicks there was talk all over ESPN about how Stoudemire would help the Mavericks, then no, this wasn't a sneaky big addition at all. It was telegraphed and discussed prior to Amar'e even joining the Mavericks.

Concepcion: Sam Hinkie throwing double middle fingers at the world and going super tank. I think he was secretly threatened by how bad the Knicks are. MCW, K.J. McDaniels, and K.J. McDaniels’s mom are out. JaVale McGee and various draft picks are in. I like imagining Hinkie seeing K.J. sky for a dunk early in the season, then quietly deciding to trade him.

I've defended the Sixers' long term plan here and here. I'm starting to wonder if I'm crazy though. I don't think MCW or K.J. McDaniels are by any stretch franchise players, but at what point will Sam Hinkie stop hitting the "reset" button and getting rid of talented players in favor of draft picks? I'm wavering, but still on the bandwagon. Maybe Hinkie is getting rid of all the talent that he doesn't think will be a starter on a championship team. I don't know, but at some point Hinkie has to take the talent on his roster and keep it for a year or two. Maybe K.J. McDaniels would be overpaid after this year and maybe MCW isn't a great shooter, but the Sixers are going to have players with faults or have to pay players at some point. The worst part is many of the best players in this year's draft are big guys and the Sixers already have Noel and Embiid. You can't have too many big men, but if the Sixers got Okafor or Towns then I would start to wonder if that adage is true. That's three good young big men who all want good minutes and all can play the center position. Of course, drafting Mudiay is a different story I guess. He is a better point guard than MCW, or should be. At a certain point, they have to keep players on the team and work around their faults. That's my point.

Tangential Takeaways

Zach Lowe sneaking into the bathroom and away from his newborn child and wife so he can tweet about deadline day.

Because women are such bitches they won't allow their husband just a few minutes to Tweet while their baby sleeps.

Isaiah Thomas has gone from good player to low-key cancer faster than anyone ever. DeMarcus and Dragic don’t want to play with him; then the Suns trade him away even though Dragic is leaving, acquiring Brandon Knight, who is a looming restricted free agent.

But Thomas is going to the Celtics and I'm sure there is some ubuntu left over from the Doc Rivers era. As we have heard dozens of times from Bill, I'm sure the Boston crowd rising as one and cheering on the Celtics as if they KNOW they are about to see something special will motivate Isaiah Thomas to hide any cancerous habits he might have.

Simmons: What an astounding turn of events for Chris Bosh. Remember when we believed that Bosh willingly passed up four years of contending Rockets teams for an extra $30 million and two more months off a year in Miami?

"We" believed this. Bill was wrong, so everyone else was wrong too.

Now he’s playing with Dragic, Wade, Deng and an emerging 7-foot center who’s routinely throwing up 20-20s.

Regarding Whiteside, considering he is a restricted free agent after this year there is a small chance his play could just be one of those weird contract years that allows centers to become overpaid in free agency and later have the words "expiring contract" or "cap-killing contract" attached to his name.

Other winners: every feature about Avery Bradley and Isaiah Thomas being best friends who grew up together;

Except they are not best friends. They are from the same city and grew up playing against each other. They competed against each but aren't besties or anything like that. Of course, it doesn't mean the media won't portray it that way, but prior to Thomas playing for the Celtics, he and Bradley were two guys from the same area who played the same sport, so they knew each other. Next thing you know, Bill Simmons has them getting matching butterfly tattoos and double dating on the weekends.

Flip Saunders for turning a first-round pick into 50 games of Thad Young and KG’s retirement tour (but being unable to be fired because he’s his own boss); 

Bill Simmons would have been a much better GM for the Timberwolves. He would have proposed a bunch of trades to other GM's and ended every proposal with "Who says 'no' to that?" while smiling smugly.

and, of course, Wade, Riley, Spo and Arison because hot damn, that was a fantastic trade.

Well, the most clever guy in the room got the first and the last word of this trade deadline diary. I can't wait for Bill's next mailbag full of YouTube videos with questions from his overly-dedicated followers which is disguised as a column.

5 comments Bill Simmons Does an NFC Power Poll

Bill Simmons has followed up his AFC power poll with an NFC power poll. I briefly discussed the issue with doing the NFC and AFC power polls separately and the issue is that teams won't be ranked in chronological order of their strength, but Bill has tried to remedy this by providing the AFC team names in the respective numerical spot he ranked them in the AFC power poll. It seems kind of silly to me and it just would have been easier to do an NFL power poll with 16 teams on Thursday and 16 teams on Friday, but who I am to question the all-knowing Bill Simmons? I'm nobody and Bill is a somebody. Just ask him. I'm sure Bill would state he is somebody and then use his own opinion of how great he is as proof this is true. So without more rambling, here is Bill's NFC power poll. 

If you missed Grantland's 2013 NFL preview coverage — including my three-part NFL over/under podcast from Vegas with Cousin Sal,

I didn't read or pay attention to any of this stuff, but I wouldn't say I missed it.

If you missed my AFC Power Poll heading into the 2013 season, which went up Thursday afternoon on Grantland, click here. That column included my Baltimore-Denver pick — after I ranked the Ravens ahead of the Broncos and grabbed the +7.5 points, they lost in Denver by 25.

It's almost like there is no science or rules behind gambling and in the end it is all guesswork. This couldn't be true though, right?

Today, we're cranking out an NFC Power Poll. For no extra charge, I included yesterday's AFC rankings within today's column so you could see every team on one list.

BUT WHY DIDN'T YOU JUST PUT THEM ALL IN ONE LIST ORIGINALLY? THIS ISN'T FAIR TO PEOPLE WITH OCD, LIKE MYSELF!

25. Tampa Bay Buccaneers
 
I juggled six possibilities for "NFC's worst team," which is a fancy way of saying, "they're better than anyone in the AFC's bottom seven, only they have the misfortune of playing in a stacked conference."

I'm not sure you can count any conference that has Ron Rivera as the head coach for one of the teams in that conference as "stacked."

Then you have second-year coach Greg Schiano, voted the winner of last November's Sporting News poll for "The Coach You'd Least Want to Play For."

Who else was on this list?

Bill Belichick
Tom Coughlin
Andy Reid
Mike Shanahan
Jim Harbaugh

That's ten Super Bowl appearances and six Super Bowl victories in there. This reminds me of a quote from "The Sopranos" where Tony was trying to stop Christopher Moltisanti from being the whiny bitch he could be at times,

"You don't have to love, but you will respect me."

Exactly. You don't have to love them, but you have to respect them because they win games. I'm not a fan of Greg Schiano, but his name on this list means very little as long as he is successful.

What's more likely — the Bucs making the 2013 playoffs, or Schiano and Freeman being jettisoned out of Tampa five months from now, then Schiano landing a college job and eventually ending up in one of those Mike Rice–type scandals because he attacked some poor sophomore with a tackling dummy?

It's very much more likely the Buccaneers make the 2013 playoffs.

DEAD MEN WALKING
 
24. The Lions of Detroit
 
23. Carolina Panthers

Both teams have killer fantasy QBs (Matt Stafford and Cam Newton) and one-of-a-kind blue-chippers (Calvin Johnson and Luke Kuechly). Both teams were well-represented at your 2013 fantasy draft.

And we all know that fantasy rankings always accurately represent real-life talent.

Know this: I've seen everything I needed to see from the Jim Schwartz and Ron Rivera eras already. It's a shame about the Panthers — blessed with Newton and one of the best defensive front sevens in football — who somehow have gone 2-12 in games decided by seven points or fewer since Newton and Rivera teamed up.

2-13 now. Yippee!

Football Outsiders' excellent DVOA season prediction model likes the 2013 Panthers for that very reason: Bad luck tends to even out over time.

But stupid decision-making stands the test of time. Upon having his previous offensive coordinator inexplicably get a head coaching job with the Browns, Ron Rivera decided to save his job he would turn to Mike Shula to run the offense. That's like a television show having falling ratings and then seeing if Ted McGinley is available to give the show a shot in the arm.

THE SHORT STRAWS
 
22. St. Louis Rams
 
21. Arizona Cardinals
 
We think Jeff Fisher is a good coach even though he has coached 16 full seasons and finished above .500 in only six of them.

I'm completely torn between being happy that more people are noticing Jeff "8-8" Fisher's overratedness and being really sad that Bill Simmons is agreeing with me.

He hasn't won a playoff game since 2003. He's an average coach. Not great, not bad. He's somewhere in the middle.

(whispers) Exactly right.

If it's OK with you, I'm crossing off the Rams. As for the Cardinals, they were looking sleeperish until they lost no. 7 overall pick Jonathan Cooper with a broken leg. (So much for improving their offensive line.)

So Bill was high on the Cardinals until they lost a rookie offensive lineman? At that point he thought, "Well that screws up the entire season" because a rookie offensive lineman got injured? Sounds like Bill had pretty much the entire Cardinals season riding on Cooper, which is especially odd to me. Who the hell has a team's entire season riding on one offensive lineman? It sounds like Bill just wanted an excuse to count the Cardinals out and couldn't think of a different football-related reason.

That reminds me, I went against someone who started Peyton Manning, Wes Welker and Demaryius Thomas in Week 1. It's Friday and I'm down 97.9 points already. Why is fantasy football fun again?

This reminds me, no one cares about the fantasy team of someone they don't know. Who am I kidding though? The Simmonsites care about everything Bill says and does.

A (VERY) FAINT WHIFF OF FRISKINESS
 
20. Philadelphia Eagles
 
Ottawa reader Neil Varan wonders, "Who's the leading candidate for your 2013 Man-Crush?" The answer: Eagles coach Chip Kelly. I love his brain, love his system, love the rapid-fire play thing … I mean, I would have picked the Eagles as my 2013 sleeper if Michael Vick weren't so prominently involved. Last year, we decided that (a) his decision-making just wasn't good enough, (b) it was too hard for him to stay healthy,

It was hard for Vick to stay healthy because he held onto the ball too long. In the Chip Kelly offense he isn't supposed to hold the ball long, so I guess we'll see.

Now he's going to spearhead an offense that runs 85 plays a game and relies on him to make MORE decisions? If Kelly makes this one work in Year 1, he's even better than I thought. And I think he's gonna be great. Eventually.

I'm not sure there is an "eventually" about it. I think Chip Kelly will be great running his offense from his first year in the league and then make the appropriate adjustments once the NFL adjusts to him.

Then again, Indiana reader Rick Vaughn throws something he calls "The Barnwell Theory" at us, explaining, "When Bill Barnwell and the Advanced Stat Troubadours (trademark pending) win the public over and blatantly influence a line, the team in question is guaranteed to prove them wrong. This year's example: Barnwell's regression-laden fingerprints are all over the Colts over/under for season wins (8.5). Quick reminder: they play half their games against the California penal league: Jags twice, Titans twice, Oakland (home), Dolphins (home), San Diego (away), and Cardinals (away). They're 5-3 over that stretch if Gary Hogeboom is under center. I'm guessing 6-2. Yes, they play the NFC West, but let's also consider the 2nd year leap for franchise QBs like Montana, Marino, Elway, and Manning. Three years ago this over/under is 9.5.

Ah yes, it's a Bill Simmons reader who gets his email published because it plugs the column of another Grantland columnist. Not only that, but this is an email from a Simmons reader who makes up statistics as if they are facts and not just something he made up prior to writing the email. So the over/under on wins for a quarterback making the 2nd year leap three years ago was 9.5? What was the over/under five years ago? How about ten years ago? I guess you can prove yourself to be correct if you make up a statistic that helps to prove your point.

I'd say Atlanta (9.5 wins), Minnesota (7 wins) and Carolina (7.5 wins — too high in that case) would be your Barnwell Theory value candidates.

Great, Rick from Indiana you have now made this Barnwell Theory a "thing" that Bill will recite in his mailbags and columns as if it was a fact. Who knows, maybe Bill will just outright steal the theory like he did the Ewing Theory.

THE KARDASHIANS

(shakes head sadly)
 
14. Dallas Cowboys

Who's the best "Overrated, Underrated or Properly Rated?" argument in the entire league? Antonio Ramiro Romo, that's who. You can argue both sides until you're blue in the face. 

So not only is Bill getting ready to argue on under/overratedness, which is an argument that can't be proven definitively one way or another due to it being entirely subjective, but he has just proclaimed Tony Romo as the best topic for this argument, even though Romo being the best topic for this argument can also not be proven definitively one way or another definitively. At this point, nearly everything Bill would write on this topic is purely an opinion that he would try to pass off as a fact.

I'll spare you from having to read it. The stats say that some people underrate Tony Romo while those who use anecdotal evidence say Romo is overrated because he will give the opposing team a turnover at the perfect time they need one. Nothing has been decided in regard to over/underratedness, Bill thinks Romo will be underrated this year.

THE HOVERERS
 
12. New York Giants

But as far as the Super Bowl goes, I thought these two lists were interesting … Over-60 coaches who won the Super Bowl: Tom Coughlin (65), '11 Giants; Dick Vermeil (63), '99 Rams; Weeb Ewbank (61), '69 Jets.

In 2007, I created the Speed Limit Theory for NFL head coaches — once they creep over 55, it starts to get a little dicey. That doesn't mean they can't succeed. Coughlin and Vermeil won Super Bowls. Marty Schottenheimer won 14 games when he was 63. Marv Levy made four straight Super Bowls in his 60s.

Bill created this theory and then of course Tom Coughlin won two Super Bowls while being over the age of 55, while Bill Belichick made it two Super Bowls while being 54 years old and 58 years old.

35-and-over QBs who won the Super Bowl: John Elway (37, 38), '97 and '98 Broncos; Jim Plunkett (36), '83 Raiders; Roger Staubach (35), '77 Cowboys.

Wow, I'm not sure how this pertains to the New York Giants since Eli Manning isn't over the age of 35---

A couple of points: First, the 2013 Patriots have a 61-year-old coach AND a 36-year-old QB. They'd be making history twice by winning the Super Bowl — it's one of many reasons why I'm picking against them winning a fourth Super Bowl.

But...but...we aren't talking about the Patriots. We are talking about the New York Giants. The Patriots have already been discussed and are in the AFC, not the NFC.

Second, only two QB-coach combos have ever had their combined ages exceed 90 and still win a Super Bowl: Coughlin and Eli Manning in 2011 (95), and Vermeil and Kurt Warner in 1999 (91).

I always love it when Bill does simple math, creates a half-assed theory and then believes it means something. Bill likes to create complicated theories that can easily be summed up in another fashion. Basically, older quarterbacks generally don't win Super Bowls very often and older head coaches don't win Super Bowls very often. So the odds of an older head coach and an older quarterback winning a Super Bowl together are not high.

By the way, John Fox and Peyton Manning's ages add up to 95. It's not often an older quarterback wins a title and it's not often he wins the title with an older coach. There doesn't need to be a made-up theory to help prove this.

Third, Coughlin is two years older than my dad (who spent three hours sitting in the sun for a Saturday Red Sox–Dodgers game last month and was basically delirious for the next 36 hours), 

I'm guessing Tom Coughlin, who happens to be a football coach and is used to being in the sun, probably is in better shape than Bill's dad. It wouldn't be a Bill Simmons column if he didn't try to attribute something to his friends or family that isn't necessarily attributable to just them.

I'm not saying he can't win the Super Bowl — shit, Tom Coughlin might be superhuman for all we know.

He did win a Super Bowl two apparently very, very long years ago in 2011, a time when Bill Simmons seems to believe Tom Coughlin was a decade younger than he is now.

I'm just pointing out that we have nearly 50 years of Super Bowl data at our disposal right now — only the 1993 Bills made the Super Bowl with a coach in his late 60s (Levy, age 68) and an over-30 QB (Jim Kelly, age 33). So if the 2013 Giants win the Super Bowl, they really will be making history. If it's all right, I'm picking against it.

Typical Bill Simmons. Notice how he is picking against the Giants for completely non-football related reasons. He has no clue how to pick against them based on their roster, so he makes up some theory in order to pick against them that way. At least count them out for a reason that is football-related.

I am slowly coming to the conclusion that Bill Simmons doesn't understand sports outside of NBA basketball. He tends to shy away from actually analyzing a team's strengths and weaknesses and prefers to focus on half-assed theories that will help lead him to the conclusion he is incapable of reaching while using analysis and a sports-related line of thought. Maybe not, but it seems Bill's default mechanism is to create a theory to explain something rather than just explain it in easier terms.

11. Chicago Bears 

It's time for my annual "I know I discounted you in my over/under podcast with Cousin Sal, but I thought about it some more and now I think you're gonna be good" flip-flop pick! 

Much like in the AFC Preview, Bill has chosen to play both sides with certain teams. If the Bears stink then he can claim his original point of view was correct, but if they are good then he can point out he knew the Bears would be good. Bill is terrified of being seen as wrong, so playing both sides works out well for him.

I love everything I'm reading about Marc Trestman — if he gets Jay Cutler and Matt Forte going, and Cutler can shed his QBPTSD issues after three years of pummelings (this photo spread is incredible), you'd have to throw Chicago into that six-team circle of "Teams That Can Win The Super Bowl."

Bill thinks the Bears are one of the six teams that can win the Super Bowl, but ranks them 11th in his power rankings and doesn't have them winning their Wild Card round game. So I guess they "can" win the Super Bowl, but Bill doesn't seem to think they will, except he said they can so either way he gets to be right and doesn't have to worry about being wrong and that's all that matters.

Thanks to the salary cap, the scheduling, unpredictable injuries and the NFL's love for parity, it's become harder and harder for one team to just dominate for five straight months and win the Super Bowl. You just want to be one of the five or six teams with a legitimate chance in January — you want to get to the point where a couple of Jacoby Jones–Rahim Moore plays swing your way and suddenly you're holding the trophy.

Oh, so now Bill is predicting which NFL teams will have the most amount of luck this year. I'm sure there is a theory to follow.

Anyway, we've reached the point of the Power Poll in which any of these 12 teams have a chance to make that circle. 

Oh, so the six-team circle is now a twelve-team circle. You know what, let's just make it a thirty-two team circle and get it over with.

I don't trust Cutler's track record enough to stick Chicago in that circle yet, but I see them sniffing around it in January.

Well I guess the Bears are out of the circle now. Let me sum up Bill's statements on the Bears:

-He doesn't think they will be very good this year.

-He has changed his mind and thinks they will be good and are the 11th best team in the NFL.

-They are one of six teams that can win the Super Bowl.

-There are actually one of twelve teams that can win the Super Bowl.

-The Bears probably aren't good enough to win the Super Bowl.

No contradictions in there, right?

(If I offered every Packers fan 10 and 6 and the no. 5 seed right now, would they take it? I bet they would.)

THEY WOULD BILL! THEY WOULD TAKE THIS! YOU ARE ALWAYS SO RIGHT BECAUSE YOU ARE BILL SIMMONS!

I think if you offered fans of 26 of 32 teams in the NFL a 10-6 season and a fifth seed they would take it. I'm not sure why Bill seems to think because the Packers have a difficult schedule he is going really far out on on a limb in saying the Packers fans would accept a 10-6 season with a No. 5 seed in the playoffs.

Second, the Saints went 7-9 last year … and the coaching upgrade from the Superdome janitor to Sean Payton has to be worth at least a plus-4 WARM.

That's not a real thing...well, it is a real thing but people who don't strive to be the most clever person in the room will simply say "Having Sean Payton back has to be worth four additional wins for the Saints."

(There's a fourth reason that I hesitate to mention: Somehow I ended up with Aaron Rodgers as my starting QB in both fantasy leagues. I've had terrible fantasy football mojo ever since the glorious 2007 season, when I rode LaDainian Tomlinson, rookie Adrian Peterson and Wes Welker to my West Coast title, nearly went undefeated — jinxing that quest by stupidly writing about it — and spent way too much time crowing about it afterward. The following year, I built my season around Tom Brady and it was gone in eight minutes. I've never been the same — it's the fantasy equivalent of the Pirates losing Bonds and going into a two-decade tailspin. I haven't come close to winning a title since. Now I have all my eggs in the Aaron Rodgers basket. If I'm a fantasy mush, this can't be good for the Packers. If you don't believe me — again, it's Friday and I'm down by 97.9 points in one of my leagues right now. Sorry, Packers fans. I'm apologizing in advance.)

Please do tell me more about your fantasy team. In fact, give us a year-by-year breakdown of your fantasy seasons including your own personal thoughts on each season while including as much whining as possible.

Also, everyone spent the offseason (a) figuring out how to stop the read-option (which caught everyone by surprise last year), and (b) blowing smoke up Colin Kaepernick's butt and treating him like a superstar even though he's started only 10 games. I kept waiting for everything to go to his head in the form of a "My Name Is Colin" music video …

Then Bill links the "My Name is Willie" video from "Any Given Sunday" because we all know movies are exactly like real life. 

Think about how much Baltimore struggled last night with subpar receivers once they fell behind, think about San Francisco falling behind by 17 or more in their last two playoff games, then think about having money on San Francisco anytime they're down 10 this season. It's a little nerve-racking. Seriously, what if the league figures out that read-option?

Then it appears Colin Kaepernick will successfully sling the ball all around the field and with the help of the 49ers very good defense do his best to help the 49ers come back to win the game. 

3. Atlanta Falcons

Barnwell made an impressive regression case for them on Grantland, which corresponded nicely with Vegas's surprisingly low over/under of 9½ for them. (RICK VAUGHN ALERT!) I'm going the other way: I loved the way the Falcons played in the playoffs. I liked their draft. I think Steven Jackson has 2004 Corey Dillon potential.

Naturally, there is no more apt comparison to Steven Jackson than a comparison to a New England Patriots running back. It's not like there has ever been another free agent running back who joined a new team that ended up making the Super Bowl.

More importantly: We just watched the future of pro football in last night's Broncos-Ravens game. In the third quarter, the combination of Denver's pace with the altitude and Baltimore's offense falling into a three-and-out rut was absolutely deadly. You could see Baltimore's defense fading as that quarter dragged on. They couldn't handle it.

The Falcons and the Patriots ran a hurry-up offense long before the Broncos ran one with Peyton Manning. Not to mention, Atlanta doesn't play their home games at a high altitude so I'm not sure what the Denver altitude has to do with the Falcons. The future of pro football "we" saw in the Broncos-Ravens game seems irrelevant as it pertains to the Falcons. The Falcons were already running the hurry-up offense and they play in a dome, not in a high altitude.

If you have a franchise QB and a couple big playmakers, and you can rip off plays at a breakneck pace, that's the single biggest advantage of the "Nobody's Allowed To Crush Receivers Over The Middle Anymore" era.

If a team has a franchise QB and a couple playmakers I think that's an advantage no matter what pace that teams plays at, no?

But you need the right QB, you need the home-field advantage, you need the big-play guys, and you need to be REALLY good at the no-huddle thing. Atlanta checks all four of those boxes. 

And yet, this advantage didn't get them to the Super Bowl last year and this year they have a shakier offensive line and a younger, less experienced defense. Who am I to argue with Bill's ability to make a list and check off boxes though?

1. Seattle Seahawks

Year after year after year, I can see the Niners and Seahawks measuring themselves against one another, lobbing potshots at each other, making sketchy roster moves clearly intended to piss off the other team (Chris Harper, everybody!)

I'm not sure this was a sketchy roster move since the Seahawks released Harper on their own accord fully knowing a division rival could claim him.

If it gets REALLY good, once or twice, we'll see a free agent switch from one side to the other for more money, and we'll all consider him a massive traitor — like how Red Sox fans felt about Johnny Damon in 2006.

I think Bill is getting a little bit (well, a lot) ahead of himself here.

It's going to be fantastic. I can't wait. But for 2013? I think it's Seattle's year. In Russell Wilson we trust.

No, in Russell Wilson you trust. "We" aren't you and you don't speak for "we."