I have a problem and it is no one has pissed me off lately. Bill Simmons sticks to podcasts to talk with his buddy "House," and I refuse to hear his nasally, headache inducing voice so I don't listen to that. No one reads this, so I can't pick a fight with anyone. I get bored and just start giving my opinion, which is why you always get these countdowns of things I think. I was reading articles with the intention of being ultra picky and finding something to bitch about. Then I found Peter King's MMQB and it contained my least favorite thing in the whole wide world and do you know what that is? It's Boston fans who love to talk about their team, here represented by Peter King. My critique of his shit fest MMQB is brought to you by the irony of all ironies, using the Ten Things I Think I Think Peter King has not thought of. Brilliant!
1. My buddy Don "Donnie Brasco'' Banks is always telling me how gullible I am. Brasco likes baseball, and I called him a couple of years ago after seeing Juan Acevedo pitch in a spring-training game and told him, "Juan Acevedo's gonna win 15 games this year.'' He didn't come close. I admit to getting sucked in a bit by players I like. So write this down, you who keep records of how badly I screw up predictions: Matt Ryan is going to be a star in the NFL.
STOP THE PRESSES! Peter King gets sucked in a bit by players he likes? No way and I believe Brett and Deanna Favre would argue differently. When I first read this part of his article I wished on the brightest star in the sky it had said "I admit to getting sucked by players I like," and that would explain a few things for me. Alas, I lose but not as much as Peter King who thought Juan Acevedo would be a 15 game winner. http://www.baseball-reference.com/a/aceveju01.shtml
Check those stats out. He only started games twice in his career. So not only did P.K. get it wrong that he would win 15 games, but also he was wrong in the exact role Acevedo would play for the team. Doesn't do much for his credibility, which is why he should say Matt Ryan is going to be a star and leave it at that. Not compare him to Peyton Manning or even a character from Peyton's Place. Don't even try to have people write it down, then people are going to remember it and he will lose more credibility. Maybe he should just stop making predictions and stick to stalking football players. There is even a good chance he may not know what position Matt Ryan plays, probably because Ryan has not sucked him...........in............yet.
2. Remember how weak the Patriot rush was in the Super Bowl -- and fairly consistently weak at points late in the season? Richard Seymour's postseason: 12 quarters, zero quarterback pressures or sacks. New England has to address that.
No one but you and the 9 million other Red Sox/Celtics/Pats fans remember this Peter. See, as a journalist this is a really good stat that would generally help me to think you are smart, but I know you are a huuuuge New England fan, so I am calling you out. I think New England fans should have one of those highway billboards that count down tax dollars at work. Except the sign would say, "Your New England bandwagon fans at work" and have a count of how many bandwagon fans have switched over. Or anyone born in the New England area could be taken to a camp and fitted with a bracelet and constantly monitored for bandwagon tendencies. By the way, from how this is written, it sounds like P.K. wants to replace Seymour, who is a Pro Bowler by the way.
3. 16. Arizona. CB Leodis McKelvin, Troy. Odd. From what I read, I thought there was already a jersey in the New England Patriots Pro Shop in Foxboro with "MCKELVIN'' stitched on the back.
That's it. The analysis of this pick. Nothing to see here. From what I read, I thought there was supposed to be a mention of why the team would pick a player in a mock draft.
4. 22. Dallas. RB Rashard Mendenhall, Illinois. Jerry Jones is dancing in the draft room -- he didn't have to trade into the top of the draft for a back, and he ends up with a guy some in our business think is better and a lower risk than Darren McFadden. One question, though: Why couldn't Mendenhall beat out Pierre Thomas at Illinois two years ago?
Brilliant logic by P.K. Why can't freshman beat out seniors every year if the freshman is going to be a first round pick down the road? Can't the coaching staff use the Super Duper Predictor 2100 that shows the potential of every player and can put that player in the correct position on the depth chart? Here's a question for you P.K. Why could your BFF and always, Tom Brady, not beat out Drew Henson at Michigan? Why is Todd Boeckman going to start for OSU next year and not Terrelle Pryor? I don't want him to think so hard he bursts and spills spaghetti everywhere, but it would be nice if he thought just for a minute.
Tomorrow we are going to introduce the idea of "player improvement" and "coaching staff stupidity" to Peter. Bring notebooks and pencils, it will be a doozy.
5. 25. Seattle. DE Kentwan Balmer, North Carolina. I love what Don Banks wrote about this guy. He said he hoped the Ravens picked him, so he could be Balmer of the Bal'mer Ravens.
I hope you become King of the Boston Red Sox Nation so you can be King Peter King. What, not funny? Completely pointless and you lose respect for me? Exactly, P.K.
6. 26. Carolina (in trade from Jacksonville). QB Brian Brohm, Louisville. The one thing about draft analysis is two or three guys a year invariably get hosed with all the time teams have to play with in February, March and April. This year's prime victim: Brohm, who likely would have been a top-five pick last year had he come out as a junior. Instead, he stayed in school and completed 65 percent of his passes for 30 touchdowns on a college team with a poor defense and a .500 record. So now, he's got the plague all of a sudden. Someone's going to get a great bargain with this kid. I picked Carolina because John Fox and Marty Hurney are smart.
No. Not happening. God, I hope not. I hate you P.K. for even mentioning this, though calling my personal bff's John Fox and Marty Hurney smart is a good way to kiss ass, but they are not smart. OMFG. The Panthers and Louisville do not make good fun together. The three players from Louisville the Panthers have chosen have been 2nd and two 3rd rounders, and all in the last four years. They have none of them on the roster currently. Fox and Hurney need to be banned from the state of Kentucky. Plus, Carolina is not taking a QB.
7. 8. I think I love the perspective of Chris Long. Asked him the other day when he was on Sirius whether it would bother him if he sank like a stone in the first round of the draft and got a contract with, say, $10 million less in guarantees than he'd have gotten in one of the very top slots. "Twelve million, $25 million ... I can't spend that kind of money, whatever it is, in three lifetimes, never mind one," he said. "I just want to play football.''
He also said, "My father is also a millionaire so that kind of helps and I am pretty much guaranteed to be in the Top 5 because of all the media drooling over me." I am glad he loves the perspective of a millionaire's son. I personally love the perspective of hundreds of other prospects in the NFL Draft who would like to have the money Chris Long "can't spend" to help their families. You know these prospects, those who aren't lucky enough to have fathers that do commercials, have been in a couple bad action movies, played in the NFL, and are now featured on a national pregame show. But hey Chris, you do seem modest-ish.
8. 9. I think you might enjoy some of the stories in a piece I did for SI coming to your mailboxes and newsstands this week on the 10-year anniversary of the 1998 draft, which was held exactly 10 years ago last Friday. I won't spoil it, but you'll love the story of what Peyton Manning said to Bill Polian three weeks before the draft, and you'll love how Matt Hasselbeck and Ryan Leaf are inextricably linked in history -- at the beginning of their pro careers and at the end of Leaf's.
I now regret I subscribe to SI. If this article is as boring as his "preview" of it, then I am going to be forced to burn it. Much like I did in early October when Boston teams were on the cover four straight weeks. Honestly, I could give two shits what Peyton Manning said to Bill Polian, do you not realize this?
9. d. For Boston to be 13-7 with David Ortiz hitting .160 (and it took a mini-streak to get to .160) is ... well, it's a sign of a pretty good team.
You know what else is the sign of a good team? A team that is 13-5 without their second highest paid player. Which team is that? I am not telling look it up. That's right, you don't follow other baseball teams. Sorry, and no, I am not suggesting you actually should follow other teams, just suggesting you are a diehard Red Sox fan and that makes me hate you.
e. The best lineup, Terry Francona, is Jacoby Ellsbury leading off, Dustin Pedroia second and Jed Lowrie ninth. At shortstop. I know Julio Lugo's making $9 million a year, but Lowrie's lightning in a bottle.
What's my favorite team's best lineup? Ok, I am bored with taunting him for not watching other teams that are not in the New England area. You love the Red Sox, we understand, we just don't need a shrine in your column to them and constant tips to the team to make them better. Remember you thought Acevedo was going to win 15 games? Remember how you said you were stupid for saying that and you are always wrong about players because they suck you....in? Lowrie is lightning in a bottle and replace Lugo with him! King Peter King has decreed it so! Ah, the joy large market teams must feel when they can spend $9 million on a player and then bench him.
10. g. Every Red Sox fan on the planet is happy to see you leave Toronto in a huff, Frank Thomas. Now how about signing in Taiwan -- or at least somewhere in the National League?
Of course Boston area fans are not racist! They just want to deport any minority hitter to Taiwan. (cue redneck voice) Or stay on his side of the world and let me stay on mine. I can't believe that feller there wanted to play more, he has to be upwards of 45 years old now. Some people just don't know when to quit, especially uppitys like that Frank Thomas. He's had a good career cut for him, you need to know when to step aside and let the youngn's like Matt Stairs take over.
Ok, I feel better now. Seriously though, what does Toronto do to the hitters there to piss them off? Also Simmons jumped back on the Bruins bandwagon. I may care about hockey for five minutes to read the piss filled article he wrote. Or I may publish a book that has all my previous posts in it about my favorite team and add some thoughts I have now, just in time for my favorite team to win a championship.
Monday, April 21, 2008
Thursday, April 17, 2008
0 comments I'm Back!
Sorry I have taken so long to post something else. If anyone reads this at all, I just wanted to announce that I have gotten back from a conference on how to mold proof your attic and put parent proof locks on the pull down door. Mom is always trying to get me to see the sun and experience the "outside." Also, the computer was confiscated from me for a few days so someone else could use it. Pathetic, but true. Oh, and I don't actually have Internet at my residence, I steal wireless from like 3-4 people. Basically I am a blog survivor out here and there should be a movie about me. So in summation, I don't have a computer that is mine and the computer does not have Internet, and I don't have readers. I am the loser of Blogsville.
1. I have so many things I would like to say and comment on, but I am too tired right now. I always wake up at 3:30am and think of something to write about but then I have to scramble back up in the attic before I can write it down.
2. It is hard to write a blog all by yourself. I don't know how someone can do it and keep fresh ideas in their head about what to write about. It has given me a new lack of respect for certain Internet columnists who only write articles 2-3 times per week. If I could have all the time off I spend working in the attic on my new Astrophysics book to write an article, I think I would be kickass. Anyway, if anyone reads this and wants to write an article or two a week, then contact me. Especially if you think my blog is shit and hate what I say, sometimes I work better when I have a foil. I am not sure anyone reads this anyway, but if you have something to say then please just contact me.
1. I have so many things I would like to say and comment on, but I am too tired right now. I always wake up at 3:30am and think of something to write about but then I have to scramble back up in the attic before I can write it down.
2. It is hard to write a blog all by yourself. I don't know how someone can do it and keep fresh ideas in their head about what to write about. It has given me a new lack of respect for certain Internet columnists who only write articles 2-3 times per week. If I could have all the time off I spend working in the attic on my new Astrophysics book to write an article, I think I would be kickass. Anyway, if anyone reads this and wants to write an article or two a week, then contact me. Especially if you think my blog is shit and hate what I say, sometimes I work better when I have a foil. I am not sure anyone reads this anyway, but if you have something to say then please just contact me.
Wednesday, April 9, 2008
0 comments We Want to Vent! But Not Make Sense
I love to vent and mostly I love to hear others vent. I don't know why I have been picking on anonymous bloggers and others on the Internet lately, but it still feels good. I thought I would do a variation of the Deadspin.com idea and post some vents from the Atlanta Braves "Braves Vent" on the ajc.com. I realize these people are not professional writers like I am, but they could take a class or two. You can't get anywhere without a little grit and hard work and you certainly can't learn to write with complete coherency like I do without any classes. So in summation, these people need classes to be as good as me or learn to complain while making sense.
http://projects.ajc.com/vent/sports/braves/
i can think of least .103 reasons that i’m glad andruw is gone!!!
Really? Can't even think of one reason? This is one of the .503 reasons I have learned to love blogging.
Sure hope Teixeira won’t have the Boras free agent curse. We only gave up the farm for him.
Yeah, Boras free agent curse! Quit fucking with us like you did to A Rod last year...and in 2000.
If Tex would stop adjusting his cup every 30 seconds he might could concentrate better!
I think the Boras free agent curse causes that also.
Guys - remember…it’s the Braves. Cox has always taken April as extended grapefruit league to figure out players and lineup. Let’s get out of April at .500 and we are good to go. PS - Glavine looks like my dad with that gut.
I do remember "it's the Braves." I did not think I was on a Birmingham Barons message board. Outside of injury replacements, Cox has not changed the lineup once this year. So what is he figuring out again? PS- You remind me of the village idiot.
Dump Schafer now. The Braves DO NOT need this situation. Send a clear message to ALL BRAVES.
Yes, dump the #1 prospect in the system now. The Braves DO NOT need any good players. I think the 50 game suspension was a clear message to ALL PLAYERS. When did my elementary school principal start ranting about the Braves?
Middle relief is anything but…the Brave’s bullpen should be named middle heartburn.
Jay Mariotti, is that you? I would say rather than a broke ladder, we actually need a batter. What's that BELLY ITCHER doing out there, WE NEED a pitcher. The Braves need to make sure we have no middle relievers who have Scott Boras as an agent, wouldn't want that curse to hurt any worse than it already does.
How did Chipper ever graduate from college? But he sure is a helluva ball player.
Straight from Wikipedia: "Jones was selected by the Atlanta Braves with the 1st pick overall in the 1990 amateur draft. Jones then played three years in the Braves Minor League system before making his major league debut." What does college have to do with anything again?
bobby walk nl mvp w/open bag u moron
Reader comment braves vent iq of 76 u moron
Boy you Braves fans really are a tough luck case. Now your #1 prospect tested positive for HGH. You guys just plain suck. Go Marlins!!!!
I hope this fine gentlemen is going deep sea fishing this weekend and that is why he is cheering for the Marlins.
If Brian McCann was in a foot race with a pregnant woman, he would finish third.
I want to set this up.
What happened to Julio?
I think he is down in the schoolyard.
Who’s Hampton’s trainer? JD Drew?
Oh shit, he didn't go there. Who is your joke writer? Carlos Mencia?
I enjoyed this way too much...
http://projects.ajc.com/vent/sports/braves/
i can think of least .103 reasons that i’m glad andruw is gone!!!
Really? Can't even think of one reason? This is one of the .503 reasons I have learned to love blogging.
Sure hope Teixeira won’t have the Boras free agent curse. We only gave up the farm for him.
Yeah, Boras free agent curse! Quit fucking with us like you did to A Rod last year...and in 2000.
If Tex would stop adjusting his cup every 30 seconds he might could concentrate better!
I think the Boras free agent curse causes that also.
Guys - remember…it’s the Braves. Cox has always taken April as extended grapefruit league to figure out players and lineup. Let’s get out of April at .500 and we are good to go. PS - Glavine looks like my dad with that gut.
I do remember "it's the Braves." I did not think I was on a Birmingham Barons message board. Outside of injury replacements, Cox has not changed the lineup once this year. So what is he figuring out again? PS- You remind me of the village idiot.
Dump Schafer now. The Braves DO NOT need this situation. Send a clear message to ALL BRAVES.
Yes, dump the #1 prospect in the system now. The Braves DO NOT need any good players. I think the 50 game suspension was a clear message to ALL PLAYERS. When did my elementary school principal start ranting about the Braves?
Middle relief is anything but…the Brave’s bullpen should be named middle heartburn.
Jay Mariotti, is that you? I would say rather than a broke ladder, we actually need a batter. What's that BELLY ITCHER doing out there, WE NEED a pitcher. The Braves need to make sure we have no middle relievers who have Scott Boras as an agent, wouldn't want that curse to hurt any worse than it already does.
How did Chipper ever graduate from college? But he sure is a helluva ball player.
Straight from Wikipedia: "Jones was selected by the Atlanta Braves with the 1st pick overall in the 1990 amateur draft. Jones then played three years in the Braves Minor League system before making his major league debut." What does college have to do with anything again?
bobby walk nl mvp w/open bag u moron
Reader comment braves vent iq of 76 u moron
Boy you Braves fans really are a tough luck case. Now your #1 prospect tested positive for HGH. You guys just plain suck. Go Marlins!!!!
I hope this fine gentlemen is going deep sea fishing this weekend and that is why he is cheering for the Marlins.
If Brian McCann was in a foot race with a pregnant woman, he would finish third.
I want to set this up.
What happened to Julio?
I think he is down in the schoolyard.
Who’s Hampton’s trainer? JD Drew?
Oh shit, he didn't go there. Who is your joke writer? Carlos Mencia?
I enjoyed this way too much...
Tuesday, April 8, 2008
0 comments I Want a Sticker!
Roy Williams wore a Kansas sticker 10 rows behind the Kansas bench at last night's National Championship game, 48 hours after his current team the UNC Tar Heels lost to that same Kansas team. I spoke with the 10,000 UNC fans I know and they all feel pretty much feel this way:
http://sports.aol.com/fanhouse/2008/04/08/roy-williams-finally-sees-kansas-win-a-title-wearing-a-jayha/
If you are illiterate or don't want to read it, basically it says, "don't worry about it, no big deal." Remarkably, that is the same reaction I get from most UNC fans along with, "We beat ourselves, we could not rebound or get any shots inside, Kansas did not beat us," and "Next year, we have blah blah blah..."
First off, if you speak with a Tar Heel fan, they have never lost a ball game to another team, they always just beat themselves. It is a case of denial, I think. I am astounded at this reaction from this blogger though. How the hell can a fan not be angry when Roy is behind the bench with a Kansas Jayhawk sticker on? How would they feel if Tyler Hansbrough had a UCLA hat on? Not too good. Tar Heel fans are blindly loyal, and I don't mean that in a good way necessarily, but I am sure they would be angry with Psycho T.
Frankly, it doesn't bother me that much. I just looked as if someone threw the sticker on his shirt. It wasn't as if he came in decked out with KU gear and shaking pom-poms for them. And, really, without a dog in the fight ... why shouldn't he root for the school he coached for all that time? Why wouldn't he want to see the team eliminate his Heels win the whole thing?
How the hell can you tell someone threw it on his shirt? Why the hell did he not take it off then? I hate it when people just start throwing shit on me, like that time Billy Porter threw a snake on my back during gym class. I was almost eaten by that snake, but really, he just put it on me and there was nothing I could do. The whole point is that Roy really did have a dog in the fight, his second favorite team in the whole wide universe, the Kansas Jayhawks. That is what should make you nervous or wonder if he is really dedicated to his team. One reason he would not want to see Kansas win the whole thing is because, maybe, just maybe, he should be sulking for the shitty coaching job he did and watching Kansas play would only give him a headache thinking if he had done things differently his team could have been out there playing for the National Championship. Not to go Simmons on you, but it is like watching the girl you broke up with win homecoming queen. You can't really be happy to see it, you have to have some regret.
Really, that is point though, Tar Heel fans are not bothered,
It also seems more like an olive branch being extended to Jayhawk Nation to stop booing him.
Tar Heel fans should wonder why the hell he cares if they boo him. If it were my favorite team, I would be wondering if Roy really cares as much as I do about the Tar Heels. Roy is a nice guy and will survive this but how can he really look at his players in the eye and say he cares 100%? How would Tar Heel Nation (cringe at that fucking name) react if the players started showing up at their second favorite college team's games?
This is how I would feel if I were a Tar Heel fan,
http://pocketpresence.blogspot.com/2008/04/quick-word-about-roy-williams.html
Again for those who don't like to read, it is bashing Roy Williams. Probably a bit too much but I think personally this is the appropriate reaction. I don't like it when my favorite college basketball team's coach coaches a certain National USA team or does commercials. Sports are not life and death but to see your coach reveling in the victory of a team that beat you should feel like a stab in the back in some ways. I wonder why it does not to Tar Heel fans.
http://sports.aol.com/fanhouse/2008/04/08/roy-williams-finally-sees-kansas-win-a-title-wearing-a-jayha/
If you are illiterate or don't want to read it, basically it says, "don't worry about it, no big deal." Remarkably, that is the same reaction I get from most UNC fans along with, "We beat ourselves, we could not rebound or get any shots inside, Kansas did not beat us," and "Next year, we have blah blah blah..."
First off, if you speak with a Tar Heel fan, they have never lost a ball game to another team, they always just beat themselves. It is a case of denial, I think. I am astounded at this reaction from this blogger though. How the hell can a fan not be angry when Roy is behind the bench with a Kansas Jayhawk sticker on? How would they feel if Tyler Hansbrough had a UCLA hat on? Not too good. Tar Heel fans are blindly loyal, and I don't mean that in a good way necessarily, but I am sure they would be angry with Psycho T.
Frankly, it doesn't bother me that much. I just looked as if someone threw the sticker on his shirt. It wasn't as if he came in decked out with KU gear and shaking pom-poms for them. And, really, without a dog in the fight ... why shouldn't he root for the school he coached for all that time? Why wouldn't he want to see the team eliminate his Heels win the whole thing?
How the hell can you tell someone threw it on his shirt? Why the hell did he not take it off then? I hate it when people just start throwing shit on me, like that time Billy Porter threw a snake on my back during gym class. I was almost eaten by that snake, but really, he just put it on me and there was nothing I could do. The whole point is that Roy really did have a dog in the fight, his second favorite team in the whole wide universe, the Kansas Jayhawks. That is what should make you nervous or wonder if he is really dedicated to his team. One reason he would not want to see Kansas win the whole thing is because, maybe, just maybe, he should be sulking for the shitty coaching job he did and watching Kansas play would only give him a headache thinking if he had done things differently his team could have been out there playing for the National Championship. Not to go Simmons on you, but it is like watching the girl you broke up with win homecoming queen. You can't really be happy to see it, you have to have some regret.
Really, that is point though, Tar Heel fans are not bothered,
It also seems more like an olive branch being extended to Jayhawk Nation to stop booing him.
Tar Heel fans should wonder why the hell he cares if they boo him. If it were my favorite team, I would be wondering if Roy really cares as much as I do about the Tar Heels. Roy is a nice guy and will survive this but how can he really look at his players in the eye and say he cares 100%? How would Tar Heel Nation (cringe at that fucking name) react if the players started showing up at their second favorite college team's games?
This is how I would feel if I were a Tar Heel fan,
http://pocketpresence.blogspot.com/2008/04/quick-word-about-roy-williams.html
Again for those who don't like to read, it is bashing Roy Williams. Probably a bit too much but I think personally this is the appropriate reaction. I don't like it when my favorite college basketball team's coach coaches a certain National USA team or does commercials. Sports are not life and death but to see your coach reveling in the victory of a team that beat you should feel like a stab in the back in some ways. I wonder why it does not to Tar Heel fans.
Friday, April 4, 2008
0 comments Five Things I Think I Think Peter King Has Not Thought Of
1. Roy Williams wants it both ways and he can't. That makes him sad but Kansas is really hurt about him leaving. Here's how you mediate this bitch fight Dr. Phil style:
Roy- you went to UNC because that is where you are from and love the school a lot...just say it and quit fucking whining and bitching because you had to make a tough decision. Most decisions are tough and you did what you wanted to do when you wanted to do it, quit pretending it was heart wrenching. You wanted to go back to UNC and you did. Good, done.
Kansas- you are still hurt because Roy left you for a superior school. Seriously, nobody gives a shit or understands your whining because Kansas never won a title with Roy as the coach and it has always been obvious Roy was going to leave when UNC called. You should be happy Roy left so that you could try to get rid of the stigma that your school underachieves. If you spent less time on "I Hate Roy" shirts and more time thinking of ways to double team Tyler Hansbrough and not let the outside players of UNC beat you, maybe you would actually have a chance to win a championship. No one likes a cry baby. By the way, you are going to lose this weekend, start thinking of excuses now.
2. Brett Favre may unretire? So he retired because he did not want to play for a team that could win the championship and he is coming back to play for a shitty team? Why? Let's do this Jim Rome style.
Brett- you had one last good year in the league. Go home to your Mississippi mansion, mow some grass, and watch your kids grow up. Because the one thing that is more pathetic than watching a legend in a different uniform play, is watching a legend in a different uniform play poorly and destroy his legacy. You are a great quarterback and will always be considered one, stick with that and we will see you in Canton in 2013. Up next our new correspondent...(sorry, I put the Jim Rome voice in my head and it had a hard time leaving).
3. Bill Simmons has another mailbag up. I am not dissecting it but I will say, mailbags are great and all for the fans, but at some point you will have to write another column. Also, you are a sissy for not having comments available in your columns. Take some criticism, man.
4. http://www.insidesocal.com/tomhoffarth/archives/2008/04/strap_on_your_l.html
Rick Reilly at his best AND you get a sneak peek at what he is going to be like working for ESPN. Not everyone can write sappy, people oriented columns people!
My favorite part:
"It’s all over the map," Reilly says about sports journalism on the dot.com world. "There's some good journalism, and some really horrible crap on there from guys holding down the couch springs in their mother's basement that have never been in a lockerroom but are pining on this and that.
"On the other hand, you see the solid writers they have on ESPN.com, who check their facts, go places, see people ... People who are classically trained in journalism are harder to get used to (on the Internet). It's like, for some of these, the faster you type, the better you're supposed to be? It's like the old days of sending a Western Union telegram.
Yeah, checking facts, going places and seeing people...that is the classical training? So if I go to Boise, Idaho on a train (fuck airplanes, they are too fast and don't let you enjoy the ride) to cover the rodeo, research the bull and rider's history and interview Billy Bob Johnson about who his bull is going to mate with (Blue Manchu, of course), then I am a journalist who was trained in the classical ways. ESPN writers always check their facts, which is why Les Miles is at Michigan and Bill Parcells is the GM in Atlanta. Also, "the solid writers" at ESPN routinely steal their scoops from Internet sites such as Profootballtalk.com. I am talking to you Len Pastabelli. I am eager to hear more about the Rick Reilly Revolution at ESPN.
Did you know he chisels his articles out of stone and is not planning on posting his internet articles after that, but mailing them by Pony Express to ESPN headquarters?
5. It is funny because the common criticism of bloggers is that they are jealous of the mainstream media and just want the position to write for a major newspaper or network themselves so they criticize the mainstream media out of jealousy. I think the mainstream media is a little nervous because the Internet allows others to have a point of view that can not be controlled. They are for freedom of speech, but only on their terms. So to say the bloggers are jealous is fair only if you consider the possibility the mainstream media is jealous there may be more talented writers out there who chose not to become full time writers.
I am not among those talented non full time writers, but the attacks from people like Rick Reilly are hilarious for how much ignorance and fear you can sense in their voice about the changing medium of sportswriting.
Roy- you went to UNC because that is where you are from and love the school a lot...just say it and quit fucking whining and bitching because you had to make a tough decision. Most decisions are tough and you did what you wanted to do when you wanted to do it, quit pretending it was heart wrenching. You wanted to go back to UNC and you did. Good, done.
Kansas- you are still hurt because Roy left you for a superior school. Seriously, nobody gives a shit or understands your whining because Kansas never won a title with Roy as the coach and it has always been obvious Roy was going to leave when UNC called. You should be happy Roy left so that you could try to get rid of the stigma that your school underachieves. If you spent less time on "I Hate Roy" shirts and more time thinking of ways to double team Tyler Hansbrough and not let the outside players of UNC beat you, maybe you would actually have a chance to win a championship. No one likes a cry baby. By the way, you are going to lose this weekend, start thinking of excuses now.
2. Brett Favre may unretire? So he retired because he did not want to play for a team that could win the championship and he is coming back to play for a shitty team? Why? Let's do this Jim Rome style.
Brett- you had one last good year in the league. Go home to your Mississippi mansion, mow some grass, and watch your kids grow up. Because the one thing that is more pathetic than watching a legend in a different uniform play, is watching a legend in a different uniform play poorly and destroy his legacy. You are a great quarterback and will always be considered one, stick with that and we will see you in Canton in 2013. Up next our new correspondent...(sorry, I put the Jim Rome voice in my head and it had a hard time leaving).
3. Bill Simmons has another mailbag up. I am not dissecting it but I will say, mailbags are great and all for the fans, but at some point you will have to write another column. Also, you are a sissy for not having comments available in your columns. Take some criticism, man.
4. http://www.insidesocal.com/tomhoffarth/archives/2008/04/strap_on_your_l.html
Rick Reilly at his best AND you get a sneak peek at what he is going to be like working for ESPN. Not everyone can write sappy, people oriented columns people!
My favorite part:
"It’s all over the map," Reilly says about sports journalism on the dot.com world. "There's some good journalism, and some really horrible crap on there from guys holding down the couch springs in their mother's basement that have never been in a lockerroom but are pining on this and that.
"On the other hand, you see the solid writers they have on ESPN.com, who check their facts, go places, see people ... People who are classically trained in journalism are harder to get used to (on the Internet). It's like, for some of these, the faster you type, the better you're supposed to be? It's like the old days of sending a Western Union telegram.
Yeah, checking facts, going places and seeing people...that is the classical training? So if I go to Boise, Idaho on a train (fuck airplanes, they are too fast and don't let you enjoy the ride) to cover the rodeo, research the bull and rider's history and interview Billy Bob Johnson about who his bull is going to mate with (Blue Manchu, of course), then I am a journalist who was trained in the classical ways. ESPN writers always check their facts, which is why Les Miles is at Michigan and Bill Parcells is the GM in Atlanta. Also, "the solid writers" at ESPN routinely steal their scoops from Internet sites such as Profootballtalk.com. I am talking to you Len Pastabelli. I am eager to hear more about the Rick Reilly Revolution at ESPN.
Did you know he chisels his articles out of stone and is not planning on posting his internet articles after that, but mailing them by Pony Express to ESPN headquarters?
5. It is funny because the common criticism of bloggers is that they are jealous of the mainstream media and just want the position to write for a major newspaper or network themselves so they criticize the mainstream media out of jealousy. I think the mainstream media is a little nervous because the Internet allows others to have a point of view that can not be controlled. They are for freedom of speech, but only on their terms. So to say the bloggers are jealous is fair only if you consider the possibility the mainstream media is jealous there may be more talented writers out there who chose not to become full time writers.
I am not among those talented non full time writers, but the attacks from people like Rick Reilly are hilarious for how much ignorance and fear you can sense in their voice about the changing medium of sportswriting.
Thursday, April 3, 2008
0 comments Good analysis Steve!
I realize it is only four days into the new baseball season but ESPN decided to bust out with the "What's wrong with the Tigers offense?" question. I think it is a little too early to say there is something wrong with the Tigers but this is Steve's analysis...
"Well, as much as you have to ask what is wrong with the Tigers hitting, you also have to credit Brian Bannister and Gil Meche with good pitching performances. I think the Tigers will be fine, they need to be more patient and they happened to run into two really good pitchers."
Gil Meche and Brian Bannister are good pitchers. This is really shitty analysis though because before Steve informs the viewer that Meche and Bannister are really good pitchers and makes excuses for the Tigers, he should think, "if Meche and Bannister are nearly shutting the Tigers out, what could really, really good pitchers do?" It is too early to worry about the Tigers offense quite yet, but if you are getting shut out by the Royals and then the next day Zach Greinke goes 7 innings while giving up 1 run, then you may want to think a bit harder about what is wrong with the Tigers. Maybe Miguel Cabrera should put on more weight, that works for Daisuke right?
"Well, as much as you have to ask what is wrong with the Tigers hitting, you also have to credit Brian Bannister and Gil Meche with good pitching performances. I think the Tigers will be fine, they need to be more patient and they happened to run into two really good pitchers."
Gil Meche and Brian Bannister are good pitchers. This is really shitty analysis though because before Steve informs the viewer that Meche and Bannister are really good pitchers and makes excuses for the Tigers, he should think, "if Meche and Bannister are nearly shutting the Tigers out, what could really, really good pitchers do?" It is too early to worry about the Tigers offense quite yet, but if you are getting shut out by the Royals and then the next day Zach Greinke goes 7 innings while giving up 1 run, then you may want to think a bit harder about what is wrong with the Tigers. Maybe Miguel Cabrera should put on more weight, that works for Daisuke right?
Tuesday, April 1, 2008
0 comments Strike A Match...
Bill Simmons has a mailbag up. Unfortunately his mailbags are the equivalent of finding dog poo in a paper bag on your door step. What initially drew me to the "article" was his comparison between the Celtics '08 team and the '86 team. I was foaming at the mouth to tear this apart, but alas, it was only an April Fool's joke. Now he is mocking his own stupid columns. So we get a mailbag instead involving actual readers writing in to ask the Sports Guy questions. I am weary and just plain tired of this shit, can we not call him the Sports Guy anymore? How about the Boston Sports and 80's Movies Guy? That sounds a lot more accurate.
Q:Your stubborn insistence on writing basketball nonsense for months on end reminds me of when Pearl Jam made albums like "Binaural" to purposely drive fans away.I'd even read a Red Sox column or a Tom Brady column just because it's not a basketball column. You do realize the baseball season started right?-- Danny G., Kansas City, Mo.
SG: Fine, we'll make it an April Fools' mailbag with no basketball questions. (Frankly, any comparison of my hoops columns to "Binaural" is a wake-up call. I might never write about the NBA again.)
Alas, even not on April Fools Day, the joke is always on the reader. They have to read this shit, while Simmons rakes in the dough and re-writes the same article over and over. This question is proof Simmons makes up the questions. No reader in his right mind would want more Red Sox or Tom Brady columns. I also like how the questioner asked for no basketball columns and Simmons responded saying he may never write about the NBA again. Sorry Bill, NCAA is included. Actually making it specifically the NCAA Tournament and anything involving college athletics would be better for me personally. Here is a quote after answering a Brett Favre question that proves how dumb he is:
Speaking of Favre, he already has been replaced by Tyler Hansborough as the token "White Athlete That The Media Openly and Embarrassingly Fawns Over Because of His Work Ethic and Love For the Game." (Note: Steve Nash was the overwhelming favorite here until Hansborough too over during the tournament.)
(Bengoodfella groans in agony) I agree with the statement about Hansbrough, but I think Hansbrough too(k?) over two years ago when he came into college basketball. See Bill, just because you have only watched the NCAA Tournament this year does not mean it did not happen before you watched. I hate we have to go over this again. The media has always fawned over Hansbrough, you were just not paying attention and now you are. Shut the hell up and go to the next question please.
Then Simmons admits he does not watch the National League.
Speaking of baseball, allow me one extended thought about the American League heading into the season. Why the American League and not both leagues? Because that's the league in which I watch 162 Red Sox games a year and throw myself into my AL-only fantasy keeper league.
Don't worry though, this will not stop never ending, "the National League is AAAA ball" jokes and a prediction of an AL team beating an NL team in the World Series.
Boston, Cleveland, Seattle and New York (wild card) in the playoffs and Cleveland over Boston in the ALCS, with the Indians trouncing the D-Backs in another World Series sweep.
See? Not only does he not predict the National League results, he has them being swept in the World Series. This, my friends, is why I hate Simmons' writing. He admits to not following something, but feels knowledgeable enough to make predictions about it. Irritating. This is like me saying, "I have never read a single article by Jemele Hill but I know that Scoop Jackson is more racist."
From here we got emails from Boston, Pennslyvania, Rhode Island, and Connecticut. The emails were also boring. As this whole mailbag was actually. Making fun of this was like writing a review of a Britney Spears concert. The whole premise in itself is comedic, so there is not too much I can add to sum it up efficiently or even comment on it. I think Simmons has finally beat me. He has bored me to death.
Can I get some "uppity, I am rich, so I have lost all perspective" comments Bill? This was about an MTV Gauntlet question, which honestly, who the hell watches that show. I watch the Hills, and I don't watch the Gauntlet. You are 37, Bill, give it up, your prime has past you by. And yeah, I watch the Hills, so screw you all for snickering to yourself.
When I was in Arizona for the Super Bowl, I met a guy named Kyle Brandt, who was one of the "Real World: Chicago" castmates and currently works for Jim Rome. Kyle said MTV has tried to get him to appear on those Gauntlet/Challenge shows and he always turns them down, but when we were talking about it, he said MTV only pays five grand to everyone who comes on those shows (plus prize money). That's like slave labor, isn't it?
No fuckhead, that is not slave labor. Let's sum up the differences since you seem to be too rich to know what real slave labor is.
Real Slave Labor: Getting paid zero dollars an hour for doing a job, having to live in a house with 30 other people and being violently assaulted if you slack off your job, potentially in the anus if they need to prove their point.
Real Modern Day Slave Labor: Getting paid minimum wage for doing a shit job. This comes to about $12K per year.
Bill's idea of Slave Labor: Being paid $5,000 for a month of work on a game with other contestants that are your age on a major network. That comes to 60K per year.
Most people don't earn 60K per year in this country, but Bill thinks you should be paid more for going on a game show and dicking around for a whole fucking month with other people your age. This is the same person who wants Obama to be president. This is the same person who just wrote a eulogy for an athlete who died at a young age and tried to come off as caring. He wants MTV to pay these losers more money. He thinks 5k per month is a slave wage for a game show, constantly talks about his friends who are involved in Hollywood, and "knows people" in the office of Western Conference teams. He has not changed one bit from his Boston Sports Guy days though, don't worry. Let his fans eat bread! Eat bread shitheads! He also probably does not like It's Always Sunny In Philadelphia either, which means he really sucks.
Q: In the past couple years, you've said the Bruins have been dead to you. Now that the Bruins are semi-resurgent (in sixth place in the East as I write this), do you see them making a return to your life at all?-- Andrew M., Pittsburgh
SG: Not until Jeremy Jacobs sells the Bruins and Gary Bettman is replaced. I am an NHL widow until those two things happen. Sorry.
Bill, I think he just called you a fair weather fan. Not sure, but I would like to think so...and you did not catch on at all.
Q: On the "B.S. Report," you mentioned having Phil Hughes on your fantasy squad. As a "die-hard" Red Sox fan, how can you have a player from your sworn enemy? How can you secretly want to see Phil Hughes do well?-- Colin, San Francisco
SG: ...And most importantly ... the Yankees aren't the Yankees anymore. They haven't won a World Series in eight years; they don't have the Steinbrenner Mystique anymore; they're being run by Tommy Boy; they're tearing down The House That Ruth Built; the Mets are replacing them as New York's Most Relevant Baseball Team; they're four years removed from being the first team in the history of the NBA or MLB to blow a 3-0 lead in a series; and as long as Mr. April (A-Rod) is the face of the Yankees, they're a non-threat in the playoffs. To be honest, I'm more concerned with the Indians and Tigers at this stage of my life. So there.
Remember five years ago when Bill Simmons railed against Yankees fans and how pompous they were? Read the above paragraph again and tell me he is not the exact same way now. I dare you. The Yankees are a non-threat in the playoffs? How cocky. I have never heard A Rod called Mr. April before either, that is so new to me! If I were Bill Simmons doing a commentary ten years from now on my articles I would say, "this is the part where I reached the Rocky III part of my life, prior to being caught in a men's room with Kevin Love." What a cocky asshole.
Q: Just watched "Bad News Bears in Breaking Training." Is it me or does William Devane enjoy rubbing Tanner Boyle's leg a little too much after Tanner got taken out by that slide into second base? In about two or three seconds, Devane goes from the genuinely concerned stage to the genuinely creepy stage. Am I nuts?-- Rich, Linden, N.J.
SG: Put it this way: When I bought the DVD, I was looking for a deleted scene where Devane was working on Tanner's leg, the umpires tried to intervene and Devane kept rubbing Tanner's leg and fighting them off, followed by the fans chanting, "Let them be gay! Let them be gay! Let them be gay! Let them be gay!"
Fuck you Rich from New Jersey. Simmons thought of that joke first and even had a chant based on it. There is nothing you can ask him he has not thought of first. He thinks of every joke before you do and can even make it funnier. You can't bring anything up to him that he has not thought of first.
How does anyone like this guy? He is that kid you knew when you were younger who always said he had cooler shit than everyone else but you couldn't see it because his mom did not want anyone in the house while she was at work.
Simmons thought of global warming way before anyone else did. In fact, the reason he hates Dane Cook is that Cook ripped off Simmons' entire stand up act he used to do on the East Coast in the early 90's. I bet Simmons really thought of the idea for Good Luck Chuck way before the screenwriters. Schindler's List was his idea as well.
I will end it this with the reason why Simmons was asked to write for Kimmel originally those many years ago...and that reason is this joke.
Q: Some of my guy friends and I have noticed that when we go on road trips or just general vacations where we spend a lot of time together, we all get on the same pooping "cycle." After a few days together, we always end up having to poop at the same time -- sort of the male equivalent of women and the menstrual cycle. Our question: is there a name for this phenomenon?-- Jakob, San Francisco
SG: The menstool cycle?
Fucking hilarious.
Q:Your stubborn insistence on writing basketball nonsense for months on end reminds me of when Pearl Jam made albums like "Binaural" to purposely drive fans away.I'd even read a Red Sox column or a Tom Brady column just because it's not a basketball column. You do realize the baseball season started right?-- Danny G., Kansas City, Mo.
SG: Fine, we'll make it an April Fools' mailbag with no basketball questions. (Frankly, any comparison of my hoops columns to "Binaural" is a wake-up call. I might never write about the NBA again.)
Alas, even not on April Fools Day, the joke is always on the reader. They have to read this shit, while Simmons rakes in the dough and re-writes the same article over and over. This question is proof Simmons makes up the questions. No reader in his right mind would want more Red Sox or Tom Brady columns. I also like how the questioner asked for no basketball columns and Simmons responded saying he may never write about the NBA again. Sorry Bill, NCAA is included. Actually making it specifically the NCAA Tournament and anything involving college athletics would be better for me personally. Here is a quote after answering a Brett Favre question that proves how dumb he is:
Speaking of Favre, he already has been replaced by Tyler Hansborough as the token "White Athlete That The Media Openly and Embarrassingly Fawns Over Because of His Work Ethic and Love For the Game." (Note: Steve Nash was the overwhelming favorite here until Hansborough too over during the tournament.)
(Bengoodfella groans in agony) I agree with the statement about Hansbrough, but I think Hansbrough too(k?) over two years ago when he came into college basketball. See Bill, just because you have only watched the NCAA Tournament this year does not mean it did not happen before you watched. I hate we have to go over this again. The media has always fawned over Hansbrough, you were just not paying attention and now you are. Shut the hell up and go to the next question please.
Then Simmons admits he does not watch the National League.
Speaking of baseball, allow me one extended thought about the American League heading into the season. Why the American League and not both leagues? Because that's the league in which I watch 162 Red Sox games a year and throw myself into my AL-only fantasy keeper league.
Don't worry though, this will not stop never ending, "the National League is AAAA ball" jokes and a prediction of an AL team beating an NL team in the World Series.
Boston, Cleveland, Seattle and New York (wild card) in the playoffs and Cleveland over Boston in the ALCS, with the Indians trouncing the D-Backs in another World Series sweep.
See? Not only does he not predict the National League results, he has them being swept in the World Series. This, my friends, is why I hate Simmons' writing. He admits to not following something, but feels knowledgeable enough to make predictions about it. Irritating. This is like me saying, "I have never read a single article by Jemele Hill but I know that Scoop Jackson is more racist."
From here we got emails from Boston, Pennslyvania, Rhode Island, and Connecticut. The emails were also boring. As this whole mailbag was actually. Making fun of this was like writing a review of a Britney Spears concert. The whole premise in itself is comedic, so there is not too much I can add to sum it up efficiently or even comment on it. I think Simmons has finally beat me. He has bored me to death.
Can I get some "uppity, I am rich, so I have lost all perspective" comments Bill? This was about an MTV Gauntlet question, which honestly, who the hell watches that show. I watch the Hills, and I don't watch the Gauntlet. You are 37, Bill, give it up, your prime has past you by. And yeah, I watch the Hills, so screw you all for snickering to yourself.
When I was in Arizona for the Super Bowl, I met a guy named Kyle Brandt, who was one of the "Real World: Chicago" castmates and currently works for Jim Rome. Kyle said MTV has tried to get him to appear on those Gauntlet/Challenge shows and he always turns them down, but when we were talking about it, he said MTV only pays five grand to everyone who comes on those shows (plus prize money). That's like slave labor, isn't it?
No fuckhead, that is not slave labor. Let's sum up the differences since you seem to be too rich to know what real slave labor is.
Real Slave Labor: Getting paid zero dollars an hour for doing a job, having to live in a house with 30 other people and being violently assaulted if you slack off your job, potentially in the anus if they need to prove their point.
Real Modern Day Slave Labor: Getting paid minimum wage for doing a shit job. This comes to about $12K per year.
Bill's idea of Slave Labor: Being paid $5,000 for a month of work on a game with other contestants that are your age on a major network. That comes to 60K per year.
Most people don't earn 60K per year in this country, but Bill thinks you should be paid more for going on a game show and dicking around for a whole fucking month with other people your age. This is the same person who wants Obama to be president. This is the same person who just wrote a eulogy for an athlete who died at a young age and tried to come off as caring. He wants MTV to pay these losers more money. He thinks 5k per month is a slave wage for a game show, constantly talks about his friends who are involved in Hollywood, and "knows people" in the office of Western Conference teams. He has not changed one bit from his Boston Sports Guy days though, don't worry. Let his fans eat bread! Eat bread shitheads! He also probably does not like It's Always Sunny In Philadelphia either, which means he really sucks.
Q: In the past couple years, you've said the Bruins have been dead to you. Now that the Bruins are semi-resurgent (in sixth place in the East as I write this), do you see them making a return to your life at all?-- Andrew M., Pittsburgh
SG: Not until Jeremy Jacobs sells the Bruins and Gary Bettman is replaced. I am an NHL widow until those two things happen. Sorry.
Bill, I think he just called you a fair weather fan. Not sure, but I would like to think so...and you did not catch on at all.
Q: On the "B.S. Report," you mentioned having Phil Hughes on your fantasy squad. As a "die-hard" Red Sox fan, how can you have a player from your sworn enemy? How can you secretly want to see Phil Hughes do well?-- Colin, San Francisco
SG: ...And most importantly ... the Yankees aren't the Yankees anymore. They haven't won a World Series in eight years; they don't have the Steinbrenner Mystique anymore; they're being run by Tommy Boy; they're tearing down The House That Ruth Built; the Mets are replacing them as New York's Most Relevant Baseball Team; they're four years removed from being the first team in the history of the NBA or MLB to blow a 3-0 lead in a series; and as long as Mr. April (A-Rod) is the face of the Yankees, they're a non-threat in the playoffs. To be honest, I'm more concerned with the Indians and Tigers at this stage of my life. So there.
Remember five years ago when Bill Simmons railed against Yankees fans and how pompous they were? Read the above paragraph again and tell me he is not the exact same way now. I dare you. The Yankees are a non-threat in the playoffs? How cocky. I have never heard A Rod called Mr. April before either, that is so new to me! If I were Bill Simmons doing a commentary ten years from now on my articles I would say, "this is the part where I reached the Rocky III part of my life, prior to being caught in a men's room with Kevin Love." What a cocky asshole.
Q: Just watched "Bad News Bears in Breaking Training." Is it me or does William Devane enjoy rubbing Tanner Boyle's leg a little too much after Tanner got taken out by that slide into second base? In about two or three seconds, Devane goes from the genuinely concerned stage to the genuinely creepy stage. Am I nuts?-- Rich, Linden, N.J.
SG: Put it this way: When I bought the DVD, I was looking for a deleted scene where Devane was working on Tanner's leg, the umpires tried to intervene and Devane kept rubbing Tanner's leg and fighting them off, followed by the fans chanting, "Let them be gay! Let them be gay! Let them be gay! Let them be gay!"
Fuck you Rich from New Jersey. Simmons thought of that joke first and even had a chant based on it. There is nothing you can ask him he has not thought of first. He thinks of every joke before you do and can even make it funnier. You can't bring anything up to him that he has not thought of first.
How does anyone like this guy? He is that kid you knew when you were younger who always said he had cooler shit than everyone else but you couldn't see it because his mom did not want anyone in the house while she was at work.
Simmons thought of global warming way before anyone else did. In fact, the reason he hates Dane Cook is that Cook ripped off Simmons' entire stand up act he used to do on the East Coast in the early 90's. I bet Simmons really thought of the idea for Good Luck Chuck way before the screenwriters. Schindler's List was his idea as well.
I will end it this with the reason why Simmons was asked to write for Kimmel originally those many years ago...and that reason is this joke.
Q: Some of my guy friends and I have noticed that when we go on road trips or just general vacations where we spend a lot of time together, we all get on the same pooping "cycle." After a few days together, we always end up having to poop at the same time -- sort of the male equivalent of women and the menstrual cycle. Our question: is there a name for this phenomenon?-- Jakob, San Francisco
SG: The menstool cycle?
Fucking hilarious.
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